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Your Mother Jokes

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What's the difference between /r/jokes and your mothers vagina?

Your mother's vagina gets some new content every once in a while.

A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"

Student: "My wife"

DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

My friend once asked, “if killing your father is patricide and killing your mother is matricide what is it called when you kill your spouse?”

I responded, “pesticide”

“Your mother has been with us for 20 years,” said John. “Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?”

“My mother?” replied Helen. “I thought she was *your* mother.”

I’m not saying your mother is fat

but whenever she falls over, she rocks herself to sleep trying to get back up.

What do you do if you miss your mother in-law?

You reload and try again!!

Your mothers' so ugly

When she walks into a bank, they turn off the cameras.

A man finds a genie lamp, rubs it and poof a Genie appears.

Genie: I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your mother-in-law will receive two-fold…

Man: Ok. My first wish is for 1 billion dollars.

Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive 2 billion dollars.

Ma...

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Heard this one on How I Met Your Mother

What's the difference between peanutbutter and jam?

You can't peanutbutter your dick up someones ass.

I watched the Indian version of How I Met Your Mother…

There’s just one episode and it is about the wedding.

Have you seen the Indian adaptation of 'How I Met Your Mother' ?

It's called 'How My Parents Met Your Mother's Parents'

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One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. San...

What do you call your mother's mother's mother's sister?

Your great antique.

Follow up Joke: what do call your father's father's father? Old as hell.


Both jokes courtesy of the 10 year old comedian in my house.

Your mother is so fat

nobody can be 2 metres away from her.

I would make a joke on your mother

But cows are sacred in my country

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You're just like your mother!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's wrong pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife is making me crazy. Now she's all pissed off that I said 'You're just like your mother!'" he says. "Well, actually she hates it any time I talk during sex."

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

"Where's your mother from?" my friend asked

"Alaska"

"No worries, I will ask her myself."

Reputation is just like How I Met Your Mother

It requires years to build it but one single moment is enough to ruin it all.

"Where's your mother in law?"

- "She's in the garden."

- "Where? I can't see her."

- "You have to dig a little."

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What's the difference between your mother, and your father's hamster tube?

One's a fat prostitute and the other's a fat prostate chute.

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I would never insult your mother…

She was far too good in bed last night for me to complain

Your mother is so unbelievably poor

That when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people’s fingers

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I'm sorry your mother in law is dead

I'm sorry your mother in law is dead he says..how did it happen?

Well it was very unfortunate..she tried to stand up but got dizzy and caught the curtains and ripped them.

oh, thats how she died

no, from the thrust she hit the 65' inch tv and fell on the crystal table.

so...

Your mother is so fat and stupid

She came last in the human race

Your mother is so fat

That she was sent home for gathering in a public place

What’s the difference between your mother and a walrus?

One has a mustache and smells like fish, the other is a walrus!

How do you get your mother in-law to come to your house at the last minute?

"Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!"

Kim Jong-un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...

would you go to lunch or a movie?

Truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mo...

Which is worse: kissing your mother or your sister?

It’s all relative

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

How I Met Your Mother...

... is the longest and most popular Ted talk.

No present for your mother in law

At Christmas, a man just opened presents from his mother in law and she asks, "where's mine?"

He says, "I didn't get you anything this year."

Visibly upset, she asks why.

He says, "you never used what I got you last year."

She yells, " it was a burial plot!"

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"Did your mother cook like this?"

A lonely man is attracted to a beautiful single woman in his office. He tries many ways to stimulate her interest in him, but she ignores all of his overtures—flirting, flowers, candy—nothing seems to work. Frustrated, he finally just asks her out to dinner, promising dinner at the best place in tow...

What’s the difference between Vitamin C and your mother’s sister wetting her pants?

One's an antioxidant and the other's an auntie accident.

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Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

A man and his wife and his mother in law went on vacation to the Holy Land...

While they were there, the mother in law passed away.

The undertaker told them you can have her shipped home for $5000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00.

The man thought about it, told him he'd just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked why would you spend $50...

What do you call your mothers sister when she takes the heat when your mothers mad at you?

Coolant

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Last night, my wife said to me in bed "You have a messed up relationship with your mother."

I rolled over the other way and said "Ma, are you hearing this shit??"

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

How I bought your mother

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I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

"John, bad news. Your mother-in-law died."

John is told that his mother-in-law has died. He removes the cross with Jesus from the wall and begins to take Jesus off the cross with a screwdriver. Family asks him: "What the hell are you doing?" John say: "Jesus set me free, and I'll set him free!"

What do you call it when you’re late to dinner at your Mother in Law’s?

Delaying the inedible.

Your mother is so fat

that if she farts, she´s going to get charged with climate warming.

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I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

Your filthy mother

Trampolines used to be called "jumpoline" but they had to change the name after your mother jumped on it

Your mother is so classless...

.. she could be a marxist utopia

Your mother is like a repost.

No one wants or likes her, but almost everyone uses her.

A young man wanted to marry

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I h...

Your mother is so massive...

Your mother is so massive that Matthew McConaughey went to visit her and lost 23 years.

Always treat your date like your mother

Me: “ Can i have 20 $ “

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What's worse than seeing your mother in a porno?

Seeing you mother in a pregnant porno.

A woman’s on vacation and calls home

She asks her husband, "How’s my cat doing?"

The husband says, "The cat’s dead."

The woman’s upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t ge...

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A well known fighter was drinking at a bar

When an old man walks in, taps him on the shoulder and says "I just fucked your mother! Whatcha gonna do about it, big man?". The music stops, the patrons turn to look, but the fighter says nothing and keeps drinking. The old man gets frustrated and leaves in a huff.

Later, the old man comes...

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks

- Where are you from, private?
- Sir, St. Petersburg
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father?
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
- That is impossible, how can that be?
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, ...

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What sexual position *guarantees* the ugliest baby?

Go ask your mother.

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

Your mother

Your mother is so prodigious they do not measure her weight in stone, they measure it in boulder!

Your mother is so fat...

She wears the asteroid belt to keep her pants up.

"Are your mother and father in?"

Asked the neighbour when the small boy opened the door.

"They was in," said the boy, "but they is out now."

"They was in - they is out!" exclaimed the neighbour. "Where's your grammer?"

"Out in the kitchen making some cookies."

Your mother is so fat

Her chins wear suspenders.

(Hope its original, I just thought it up. If not, I can live with it.)

Is your mother home?

**Voice over Phone:** Is your mother home?

**Blonde:** Yes, she is.

**Voice:** Will you call her to the phone, please?

**Blonde:** Okay, but I’ll have to go down the street to get her.

**Voice:** I thought you said she was home!

**Blonde:** She is. This is my frien...

Your mother is so old,

she rewinds the Netflix videos before logging out.

Your mother is so fat

the picture she sent me used my data for the month.

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What starts with "Fuck" and ends with "You"?

Your mother's pregnancy.

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Mother & Daughter Are on a Plane...

Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, "Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother stumbled and didn't have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, "I don't know sweetie, ...

What do you call your mother ironing your clothes for you

Free press

Your mother is proud of you for wearing a mask

But she is also disappointed because look how nice you would have looked everyday if you became a surgeon.

What to do when your mother in law is zigzagging across your backyard?

Shoot again.

What’s the difference between a fat cow and your mother?

People will actually eat the cow.

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I fucked your mother

Joe is in the bar having a drink with his buddies.
An guy walks over and shoves him and says Your mom has great tits. Joe turns away and continues to talk with his buddies. Again Shove..She sucked my cock Ha Ha Ha. he turns away again trying to ignore him.I fucked your mother last night... now co...

Letters between a father and son

Dear son;

Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.
...

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

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Who's a Trump fan?

A teacher asked his class how many of them were Trump fans.
Not quite knowing what a Trump fan is, but wanting to be loved by the teacher, all of the kids raised their hands, except Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why did you decide to be different... again.

Little Jo...

Your mother is so FAT

She can't even recognise files larger than 4 gigabytes.

Three sisters get married, each to another man

The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a...

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Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

A boy asked his father "Why is my sister named Theresa?" "Because your mother loves Easter and Theresa is an anagram." "Thanks dad."

"Your welcome Alan."

If you are driving really fast and suddenly you see your wife and your mother in law in front of you, what will you hit first?

Brakes...... The brakes.

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A little boy in Canada is learning about the world...

He is curious about how things work, and one day he goes to his father and asks:

"Dad, if big dogs can have little dogs, how come big trains don't have little trains?"

Never unprepared his father says, "Go ask your mother."

The dutiful son finds his mother:

"Mom, if big d...

Eat your mother

Two cannibals, a father and son, are walking down the street, when they notice a hot girl passing by.

The son says to the father, "Daddy, I'm hungry, let’s eat that girl that just passed by."


The father replies, "I've got a better idea son, let’s take this one home and eat your m...

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Your mother's so fat...

Your father couldn't pull out in time.

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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in ...

My mother always said, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your maid."

When I went to college the dorm had a maid who told us, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your mother."

Your mother is a 10

On the Richter scale
When she walks

I've noticed no one here tells your mother jokes

It's because she never understands them, isn't it?

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

What's the difference between onions and your mother-in-law?

You don't cry when chopping your mother-in-law.

Your mother has an excellent memory.

Because elephants never forget.

Your mother is so ugly

your father takes her with him to work so he wouldn't have to kiss her goodbye

Me: you better be glad your mother had my offspring Son: why

Cause your gonna go far kid

Your mother is like my professor’s thoughts on socio-economics.

Every worker gets a share.

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What do you get if you make a weed brownie in the shape of your mother’s vagina?

An Edible Oedipal Edible

A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing, but you mean your mother.

Edit: Another*

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