A man gets woken up by intruders in his house.

He phones the police and says "There's people robbing my house, please send help".

They dispatcher says there's no cars or police available.

The man hangs up and phones back 2 minutes later.

"I just shot the guys. They're both here with bullets in them"

2 minutes later, p...

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I was woken late last night about 3am

By my next door neighbor in a very revealing negligee, bra, thongs and high heel boots, and asking to borrow a cup of sugar.

I said, ‘fuck off dave, I’ve got work in the morning’.

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Three men die and are standing in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now if they have had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.

The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, ...

Have you ever woken up, kissed the person beside you and thanked the Lord you’re alive?

I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again.

How does James Bond like to be woken up?

Shaken, not stirred.

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

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was once woken with a blowjob

almost choked to death

edit: no i did not steal from https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/82n5ww/whats_the_sexiest_thing_your_so_has_done/dvbsy4m
but obviously 2 people can have the same joke (i dont really check actual reddit just other subreds)

I was woken up by a phone call telling me I’ve committed tax fraud

They must have had the wrong number cause I don’t pay taxes

My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two g...

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Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for sex?

can't wait to get out of prison.

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I had never woken up to a blowjob before

That is the last time I sleep with my mouth open on the subway!

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Most men like to be woken up with sex

except the ones in jail

I was woken last night to what I thought was the onions in my fridge singing a Bee Gees song...

But when I went to look it was just the chives talking.

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Surprise blowjob is the best way to get woken up.

Unless you're in prison.

I was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door.

I banged on the wall and shouted, "For God's sake, keep it down!"

The last thing you want on a flight is to be woken by a panicking stewardess.

Particularly if, like me, you're the pilot.

For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep,garden and drive.

I think I'm being stalked.

"You've woken up on the wrong side of the bed," said my wife.

"Shut up," I replied, "and get this mattress off me."

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I had a huge home party last night and I was unpleasantly woken up by a surprise blow job.

Next time I'll sleep with my mouth closed.

A man and his wife are woken up at 3 am by a knock on the door

The husband goes downstairs to answer it, and finds a drunk on his porch soaked from the heavy rain outside.


"Can I help you?" asks the husband.


"Yes I'd like a 'push' please," replies the drunk.


The husband replies, "Not a chance, it's 3 in the morning!" and slams t...

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I've woken up everyday, opened the curtains to find a German shepherd taking a shit on my lawn..

And this morning the cheeky bastard brought his dog with him.

A cryogenically frozen man is woken up in the future...

He is greeted by a beautiful nurse.

Nurse: Congratulations, sir, it's the year 2318. I have some good news and some bad news, though.

Man: Please tell me.

Nurse: Well, we had only last year perfected the technology to wake frozen individuals such as yourself with just one side-...

A woman is woken up late one night to the sound of her husband coming home.

He crashes into the bedroom reeking of booze, with a duck under his arm.

"What the hell's going on, Steve?" asks the woman.

"What do you think of the pig?"

"That's not a pig, it's a duck."

"I wasn't talking to you."

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Most women would be happy to be woken up on their birthday with breakfast in bed, flowers and 20 minutes of great oral sex!

But Oh no! Not my sister!

I dinna do it ! Said the drunk man

An Irishman was drinking in a bar. He starts to get up and throws up on a shirt.

" oh no ! Now we wife is gonna know I drank to much"

Guy next to him says "nah your okay. Here's what you do. Put a fiver in your pocket and throw the shirt on the laundry pile. When your wife finds it te...

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

I was woken up today by a tap on my door

Odd sense of humor my plummer has.

I was woken up by the mailman trying to deliver a washbasin today.

Let that sink in.

A man is woken up in the middle of the night by his son screaming. He quickly goes and wakes him up.

Man: "Son What's the matter?"
Son: "Dad it was the scariest dream! A man dressed in black came and told me my aunt is going to die tomorrow!"
Man: "Son it was just a dream don't worry."
The next day he comes home and his wife is crying.
Man: "Honey what's wrong?"
Wife: "my mother ...

The Prime Minister was not happy about being woken up

What did the Prime Minister say when he was awoken early to news of an urgent matter that required his immediate attention?

“Ugh. I’m the PM, not the AM.”

I was woken on the plane by a panicky stewardess

That’s how i lost my job as a pilot.

A collection of jokes from Ancient Rome

Jokes of the Ancient Romans



Some provincial man has come to Rome, and while walking on the streets he was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: "Tell me, young man, did you...

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Have you ever woken up because of a boner?

Alarm cock.

One day a farmer notices his sheep have gotten out.

He puts them in another fence, and calls a guy to fix the other one. The guy arrives in a hour. The farmer shows him the fence and he gets to work. An hour later the farmer comes back and sees him removing fence post.

He does some work and returns a couple hours later. Again he is removing fe...

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A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend at her parents house.

Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

An old joke from Germany, when Trump jad just became President...

Trump is on Europe tour. He stops by in Germany and visits Mrs. Merkel in the german pariament; the 'Bundestag'.

He sees that everything there is working out just fine, so he asks her: "How do you do that?"
"What?", she asks.
"That everything works out so well?"

"Oh, that's easy....

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Someone told me that women live to be woken up with oral sex...

... but when I tried it my wife woke up and said "WTF get that thing out of my mouth!!"

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Kevin is woken up for school.

Kevin is woken up by his mother.
"Rise and shine, Kevin! Time to go to school!"

"But mom, I don't want to get up."

"No, you're getting up now, no excuses."

"Name me two good reasons for why I should get up now and go to school.."

"First of all: You're 54. And secon...

An patient is heard laughing to himself at night in an asylum

‘Why are you laughing?’ Asks his neighbour after being woken from his sleep

“I just told myself a joke” replies the patient, before falling back asleep.

A couple of hours later the patient begins laughing again, even louder than before.

‘Why are you laughing now?’ Asks the neigh...

The first thing out of my mouth when I was very abruptly and rudely woken up by my neighbor blaring "Trapped in the Closet"...

"Ugh, that's the second worse way to be woken up by R-Kelly!"

A woman pregnant with twins went into labor suddenly, and fell unconscious during the delivery. The hospital contacted the father and he arrived quickly, just in time to witness the birth of his children.

His wife had not woken up yet, when the hospital staff asked the father what to name his new son and daughter. They had tried for months to decide on the perfect names, but couldn’t reach an agreement, so he did the best he could. When the mother regained consciousness, the father let her know what ...

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I went up to my dad and said “can I ask you a question for a school project?”

He said “sure son, what do you need to know?”

I asked him, “dad, what’s politics?”

He told me “well son, let’s use our home as an example. I make the money, so I am capitalism. Your mom controls and administers the money, so let’s call her the government. We take care of what you need ...

President Trump is sleeping one night

President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goe...

So one night I was drinking at the pub for a while and decided it was time to head home

I had too much to drink so I had to walk home. It started raining on my way so I decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery to get home faster.

It was really dark and eventually I found myself fallen into an open grave, I tried to climb out but the wall was wet and slippery, and kept bre...

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Reincarnation - My favorite joke of all time.

Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of t...

What time is it?

After a long and tiring drive throughout the night, the driver decides to pull over on the side of the road to take a nap.

A man knocks on the car's window and this wakes the driver from his sleep. The man asks the driver what time it is. The driver looks at his watch and replies, "It's 8 AM...

Just wanted to share an old joke I read a long time back.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson once go camping. In the middle of the night, Watson is woken up violently by Sherlock. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." "The stars are shining so beautifully tonight." To which Sherlock replies,"No, you idiot! Our tent's been stolen."

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

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Sam was at the bar

As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late.
So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself "my lord I'm drunk" he tried to stand up again but once again his legs gave out, he thought "scre...

Two sisters

There were once two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge. One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because just after you were born, a petal fell on you."

"Bllaaarrarararraraaarg", says Fridge from the corner.





Edit: neat...

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A bear is chasing a rabbit around a dead hollow tree.

They are causing lots of commotion. Eventually a forest spirit rises from the tree.

“You two have woken me from my slumber. If you promise to go away I will grant you both three wishes”

The bear and rabbit instantly agree.

The spirit asks the bear for his first wish.

“I w...

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My wife’s doctor prescribed her a new pill

It’s great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she’d never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways….. and she hasn’t woken up once.

Criminals are getting sneakier these days.

Last night I was woken up by my wife, who said "there's someone downstairs". So I went down to check, and five minutes later it hit me... I haven't got a wife. So I ran back upstairs and it was too late, the bed had gone.

A man and his clothing store

A long time ago there was a man who sold secondhand women's clothing at a small shop on the main road of a small town.
Now, this man, Theodore, had one joy in life: Arranging the mannequins in a way that made each garment look it's best, and placing them in the front window.
As he had gotten ...

A thanksgiving joke

Aman and a woman had been married for several years, and every morning, the man would fart extremely loud, like shake the whole house loud. His wife always told him that one day his guts would fall out, and that he should visit a doctor. He shrugged it off and didn’t worry at all. So on thanksgivi...

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NSFW. LONG. A couple of fleas were hanging out at a bar..

A couple of fleas, Frank and Pete, were hanging out at a bar by the beach. Frank asks Pete how are things going, to which Pete says

“Not great man. I found this dog in the street a few days ago and things were great...for a while. Plenty to eat, nice and warm, but I feel asleep and got woken...

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A psychiatrist arrives for a house call and is greeted by a panicked mother

Who shows him to her son’s room. Her son had taken an extreme interest in First Nations culture in the past years going as far as packing his room with First Nations ornaments and trinkets and even changing his name to Spirit Eagle. However, the interesting state of his room was over shadowed by the...

Oh look its christmas

Joe was fast asleep after attending midnight mass & he was woken up by Santa at 3 in the morning and asked to express his wish which would be gladly fulfilled.

Joe knelt down & thanked Santa & said "Can you please replace my wife she has made my life miserable ? 

To Joe's s...

Fun idea:

Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

An aging hotel inspector was performing his final inspection on a luxury hotel before his retirement.

He had arrived at the joint the day before, and had already slept in a room to analyze how clean and comfortable they were. When he had woken up, he went into the bathroom to check its functionality and cleanliness, and continued on to the main dining hall after.

Upon arrival, he saw they we...

A man was rushing to the hospital

His wife was already there, giving birth to twins. However, the man, is his haste, failed to see a car coming from his left. The wreck was, thankfully, unsubstantial. The man was unscratched, but unconcious.

He woke up, hours later, in his bed. His brother noticed he had finally woken up and ...

The year 2192

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. He leaves a ceremonial letter. For reasons lost in time, this letter is always unsigned. Ceremonial garb includes a suit that looks like it was made for a someone of an entirely different si...

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[Religion] If you're religious this is not for you. The setup is completely fictional. Please don't get offended.

The catholic church would have you believe that Jesus Christ was one single person while, actually they were a set of twins - Jesus and Christ. It was through this that Jesus came back to life, Christ was crucified and Jesus made a religion by apparently coming back to life.
Christ was a...

A Texan, Donald Trump, and a New Mexican are walking along when they stumble upon a gold lamp...

They all immediately grab for it, and each get a hand on it.

As they each struggle to take it from the other two, a genie pops out. The genie says, "You have woken me from my slumber, and I shall give you three wishes. Since you each have a hand on the lamp, you will get one wish a piece."...

A bus full of ugly people is driving along a cliff

The bus driver makes a mistake as he eats a burger causing the bus to suddenly fall from the cliff killing all passengers aboard

The group of deformed men and women are woken in front of the pearly gates greeted by St Peter himself

"you lot have had a hard and unfortunate life and as t...

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Owner of a wine shop...

...gets a call in the middle of the night.

A slightly panicky voice on the other end asks, "It's kind of an emergency. When does your shop open?" He replies in an exasperated voice, "I just closed half an hour ago. So it won't open till tomorrow morning."

Sometime later the owner i...

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(Nsfw) The lone ranger and Tonto are travelling when they are captured by a band of outlaws

They bury the Lone ranger up to his neck in the dirt. The outlaws ask the lone ranger if he has any last requests before they leave him to die.


"Yes I do, tonto come here a moment"


Tonto comes over and the lone ranger whispers something in his ear. Suddenly tonto makes a run f...

A Husband and Wife are in church listening to a very long and drawn out sermon

After quite a bit of time, the wife gets tired and dozes off. The husband notices this and goes to poke her with his finger to wake her up. At the same time, the priest asks a question to the audience.

"Who freed the slaves from Egypt?"

"GOD" Exclaimed the wife to the husband, very ir...

Have you ever fallen asleep driving?

No, but I've woken up driving

Two men are in a car.

They are driving along a road in the middle of the night. One guy is sleeping, and the other is driving.

They drive for a while, and the man is woken up by a thud. "What was that?" He asks his friend. "Nothing, I just hit a deer. Go back to sleep." So the man goes back to sleep.

They ...

A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent

A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent, but he’s turned down by most landlords because of his large dog (mastiff, doberman, etc.). He finally secures a carriage house that’s in the backyard of a house owned by two old women by assuring the ladies that the dog is perfectly frie...

An idiot, a barber, and a bald man go on a journey...

At some point in the journey, they decide to set up camp for the night, so they agree to stay awake in four hour shifts to guard their stuff. The barber, having the first shift, gets bored and so ends up shaving the idiot's head. When his shift ends, he wakes up the idiot, who has the second shift. ...

Trump and Putin...

...get cryogenically frozen after their respective deaths, and are re-woken 200 years later.

They decide to take a walk through the city together. Suddenly, Putin stops and bursts out laughing, pointing at the headline at a newsstand: "USA in worst financial crisis in history"

They...

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The Magic Cure[NSFW]

In a royal court the jester and the court physician are close friends. one day the jester expresses his fantasy of sucking the queen's tits to the physician. the physician says he can make it happen as long as the jester does what he says and pays him 10 gold coins after it is done, the jester agree...

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It is a cold, foggy night, and several passengers are in a bus, driving along little lanes through the countryside.

Suddenly, the bus swerves violently. The passengers are irritated. A young man who was woken up by the bus's swerving says: "What happened?"

"Mist," the bus driver says, dismissively.

The young man thinks that yes, it is harder to drive in fog, and falls back asleep thinking nothin...

An illuminated joke

A physicist and an engineer were roommates in college. One night a fire broke out in their apartment. The engineer woke up first and saw the fire. He remembered the fire extinguisher in every unit, grabbed it and pulled the pin, as instructed, and sprayed the fire with the sodium bicarbonate contain...

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I hate it when my neighbor mows the lawn at 7 in the morning

This one Saturday morning I get woken up by my neighbor's mower going at 7 in the morning. I have quite a bad hangover and I just decide screw him he can cut around me. .

Baking a Cake

A father and his son take a trip to the zoo. They are walking around to each exhibit and soon realise they came to the zoo in the middle of mating season.

The son was very young and every exhibit throughout the day he asked his dad the same question. "Dad what are those animals doing?" "Oh d...

Black and white...

I've just woken up with black and white squares all over my face.

I'll have to get this checked.

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The miracle of alcohol

An Irishman promises his wife that he will quit drinking. All goes well for about three weeks. One night, his friends invite him to join them at the pub.

"Ya don't have to drink at all. Just trade some stories with the boys."

The Irishman agrees to stay for a little while. After an hou...

Julie’s mum and dad had brought her up well...

But now she was off to university and they were worried that their beloved daughter would struggle to maintain their standards once away from parental supervision. Her mum came up with an idea, and extracted a promise from Julie that, before she did anything (eyebrows pointedly raised) for the first...

A group of soldiers was fighting against a group of rebels...

They had been fighting for a few years now, and many people, including innocent citizens, had lost their lives during this period. The soldiers tried and tried to rid the city of the rebels, but the latter was a strong resistance and were hard to defeat. Regardless of the many new personnel, bases a...

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So my wife bought one of those orgasm alarm clocks. After seeing how well it worked, I decided to go online and find the male version.

It's safe to say she wasn't to pleased when I was woken up with a bj from a prostitute.

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Three guys wandering beside a cliff find a golden lamp...

...one of the guys pick it and cleans it and because he rubbed it with his shirt, a genie pops out. He says to the 3 guys: “because you have woken me to see the world once more, I will grant each of you 1 wish. However you must jump and leap into your wish near the grass here!”

Filled with ex...

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Heard the one about the Pope!

One morning the Pope awoke in his bed chamber in the Vatican. To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection. Perplexed, he called on his personal physician.

'Doctor, this should not be possible,' he said, 'I'm the Pope, and I'm celibate! I haven't had one of these f...

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What is politics?

After arriving home from school, a young boy brings up his homework assignment to his dad. “Daddy, the teacher said to find out how politics works for class.”

The dad replies, “Politics? Well, let me explain, because politics operates in this house.”

“Really?”

“Yes, of course. S...

Three guys go on a skiing trip together and are forced to share a room with a single bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, "Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job."

The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up, and says that he's had the same dream, too.

The guy in the middle says, "Wow that's funny, I ...

The Spice Mafia

It is a little known fact that some people want spices that they cannot obtain legally. Be it decades-old oregano, salt from the Last Supper, or the flesh of Sean Spicer, some people love strange and unusual spices. However, in order to obtain these spices, they only have one place to turn: the Spic...

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Alf and Doris have been married for 50 years

Every morning throughout those 50 years Alf has woken himself and Doris up by doing the worlds biggest fart. The violent and clockwork nature of Alf’s farting seemed to be an inhuman ability and Doris constantly warned Alf that one day he would fart his guts right out into his shorts.
 ...

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Explaining economics to children...

A young boy asks his father to explain the economy to him. The father thinks for a while before responding, "Son, think of our household as the economy. I earn the money, so I'm capitalism.

"Your mother deals with the day-to-day running of the house, so we'll call her the government.

"...

Two former spies marry...

The night of their wedding, the go to an opulent hotel room and have a splendid night of love-making, eating caviar off toast points, champagne and strawberries, the whole nine yards. Once they've worn each other out, they drift toward sleep when the new bride suddenly shakes her husband awake.
<...

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The traveling salesman and the farmer's wife

Now Jim was traveling the back woods of Iowa, looking for someone needing a vacuum. Now late that afternoon, as is want to happen, his car broke down, leaving him stranded. Now, luckily Farmer Jones came along on his old John Deere, and Jim explained what had happened. Of course they both realize...

A man and his wife had a fight...

They decided to give each other silence for a while. The man's alarm clock had broken down a couple of days ago, so when he had to get up at 5:00 AM to catch his flight for a business trip, he wrote on a piece of paper: "Can you please wake me up at 5:00?", and laid it on his wife's beddrawer before...

I once had a dream that I was ugly and had no chance of getting a girlfriend,

I still haven't woken up!

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A businessman goes to the doctor about an intimate problem... NSFW

"Well, it's a bit embarrassing," he says.
"That's OK," says the doctor. "Take your time and start at the beginning."
The businessman takes a deep breath, and begins.
"I think it's my lifestyle " he says. "You see, every morning I get woken up by my maid. She's a gorgeous blonde, and we have...

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Farmer Dan

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this m...

A driver, tired from a long drive, drives into a park for some rest

It's early in the morning and he's about to fall asleep when he's woken by a knock on the door. Its a jogger. He says 'Excuse me sir, do you know the time?' The driver looks at his car clock and says sleepily 'It's 5:00'. The jogger thanks him and leaves.

He's just nodding off again when ther...

A salesman gets lost (a little long)

A Salesman gets lost in the woods. Nearing dark he sees a farmers house, and decides to ask for a place to sleep. The farmer says, "Sure, but you're going to have to stay in the barn with some of the animals."
The salesman agrees, but before he could walk to the barn, the farmer tells him not to ...

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A woman walks into a pet shop...

looking for a Birthday present for her husband.Not wanting to spend much money the assistant recommended a large bullfrog trained to give blow jobs.

The wife purchased the bullfrog thinking to herself that she would be off the hook regarding doing blowjobs for her husband.

That night ...

Silent Treatment [Long]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finall...

An Irish Man is at a Bar

He's been at the bar all night. Eventually, around 2:00 AM, the bartender tells him he has to leave and go home. So the Irish man stands up. BOOM! He falls flat on his face. "I'm more drunk than I thought!" Said the Irish man to himself. "Maybe if I crawl outside and get some fresh air I'll be ok." ...

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A business man is travelling home for the weekend late at night when his car breaks down in a rural area.

He is in the middle of nowhere but spots a small farmhouse in the distance and walks there. He knocks on the door and is greeted by the farmer and explains the situation. The farmer let's him use the phone but the line is down and the farmer suggests he stays the night at the farm with him and his w...

Drunk Husband

In the wee hours of the morning a wife is woken up by the sound of the door, signaling the return home of her husband. She lays in bed listening to the thuds of his feet slowly make their way up the stairs. They get to the doorway and stop. The wife looks up and sees her husband carrying a sheep. An...

Last night ...

I was woken out of a deep sleep by pounding on my front door and the neighbor's wife screaming "help!"

So I went downstairs, unlocked the front door, and let her out so she could go home!

That's some pig

A salesman for Case New Holland is making the rounds one day when he drops in on a farm he’s never been to before. As he pulls into the farmyard, a large pig in the pen by the barn catches his eye. He wanders over for a closer look and to his astonishment he sees that the pig has a wooden leg! As h...

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Gimme a push

It's the middle of the night out in the country an old man and his wife are fast asleep when they hear a pounding on the door. The old man tries to ignore it, but whoever is downstairs is being very insistent.

He puts on his robe and slippers and treks down the stairs and to the front door. ...

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Buttermilk pancakes and an orange Popsicle

There once was a man who loved trains more than anything else in the world. Ever since he was a boy, he would play with his toy trains and dream of driving trains for a real train company.



So, when he turned 18, he packed his bags and waved goodbye to his family. He headed out the doo...

**Long** A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer...

So, these three are in a hotel. The engineer is woken up in the middle of the night by a fire. He grabs an extinguisher, and puts out the fire, then goes back to sleep.

Later, the physicist is woken up for the same reason. He does some quick calculations, and dumps the precise amount of water...

A Guy Walks into a Bar.

The first thing he sees is a tiny man playing piano. The little guy is a prodigy, hands moving with impossible intricacy, delicacy, and speeds. The music is beyond incredible—it the best music the man ever heard.

The guy approached the bartender, and curious, asked, “So what’s up with the lit...

I told her she has the most beautiful eyes and she started screaming...

Apparently she doesn't like to be woken up by total strangers.

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Little Jonny and the annoying preacher!

During the summer, little Jonny and his parents had just moved into a new house that just happened to be right next to a church. After unpacking, and a good nights rest, little Jonny was awakened pretty early in the morning, by a loud voice coming from the church next door. He peered out his window ...

She can't sleep (really long)

credit: Bill Moen, an 80's San Francisco Bay Area radio personality. Stuck with me for decades, I can still hear his voice telling it:

A couple are in bed and in the middle of the night she wakes up and gets to thinking and now can't sleep. Her husband turns over and she figures he's awake to...

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