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Woke Jokes

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find ...

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice n...

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So I woke up to a blowjob this morning

It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open

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Woke up, pissed, and went back to the bedroom to find my wife unresponsive in the bed. I couldn't find a pulse...

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Five minutes in she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

My Daughter woke me up.

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.
"Guess how old I'm going to be next month.
"I don't know," I said as I slipped on my
glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up wit...

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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me..

She said “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

“Fair enough,” I replied and felt her breasts.

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

John Cena woke up from a coma

John Cena: Where am I?

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you don't.

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Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

I woke up this morning and my wife said "turn and face me"

I replied "I'm not ready to face my problems yet"

What's the difference between a racist and a woke person?

The racist knows they're racist.

A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery

He asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”

My wife woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face.

I love Sharpies.

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So a guy woke up with 3 balls one morning...

and he went to see the doctor. But then he was too embarrassed to tell the doctor directly so he was like "hey doctor, me and you together, we have 5 balls." and the doctor was like... "WHAT?! you have 4 BALLS?!"

When I woke up, I couldn't see the Sun

Then it dawned on me

An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.

He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.

He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"

The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."

On May 5th I woke up at exactly 5:05 AM.

At 5:55 I left my apartment (apartment 505 on 55 5th St), hopped on the number 5 bus, and paid a $5 fare to go to work.

5 minutes later, I arrived at 555 5th street and rushed to my office in room 505.

After I'd been working for 5 hours, I realized that I'd experienced a lot of 5's tha...

Just woke up from a dream about Roman numerals 5, 4, 1, and 500.

It was VIVID.

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I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

I woke up late one morning so I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water

I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

A man woke up and called out "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!!"

The doctor responded "I know, I amputated your arms!"

A man woke up at 5:55 AM.

He opened the front door to get his morning paper and found a nickel next to it.

He opened the paper to the sports section, and noticed that the fifth horse in the fifth race was named Nickel.

He went to the track and put $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race…

...and watched...

My wife woke up with a big smile on her face...

I'm not allowed to bring Sharpies to bed any longer.

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Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night

To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

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Henry woke up with one hell of a hangover…

(Long-ish)

Henry woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a fantastic headache, cotton-mouthed and completely unable to recall the events of the night before.

He made his way downstairs and his wife put some coffee in front of him.

'Olivia,' he moaned, 'tell me what...

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I woke up at 3.00 am to see the ghostly spectre of Gloria Gaynor, standing at the foot of my bed

At first I was afraid...

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A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.

She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but s...

What did the Atheist Beaver say when he woke up in hell ?

"well I'll be damned"

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I was dreaming about having diarrhea and then I woke up.

That's when shit got real.

I'm not saying woke culture is killing comedy...

..., but when I made a joke about my obesity, the crowd booed me and told me "How dare you!? You're handsome!"

Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said...

May divorce be with you.

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt...

...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that...

What do you call a wolf that is woke?

Awarewolf



(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma)

My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

She’s Tolkien in her sleep.

What do you call a woke wolf?

An aware wolf

This morning I woke up, changed a lightbulb, crossed the road and walked into a bar.

My life's a joke

I woke up at 4:04.

Sleep error.

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One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”

SON : “But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.”

MOM : “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”

SON : “One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.”

MOM : “Oh! that’s not a reason. Come...

Harry Potter woke up in hospital

"You've been in a coma for eight years", said the surgeon. "You ran in to a brick wall. LMFAO".

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Xi Jinping woke up one morning...

Xi Jinping woke up one morning and went to his balcony, where the Sun was rising in the east. The Sun greeted him: “Good morning, comrade Xi!” the Sun said, “I hope you slept well.”

Xi was extremely pleased with himself that the Sun spoke to HIM. After his meetings, at noon, Xi went for a w...

I woke up on a beach.

Every, and I mean everything was dark red.
The trees. The sand. The water. It was all dark red.

I yelled, "I've been marooned!"

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

"That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

I woke up feeling so animated this morning.

Probably because the curtains were drawn.

So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound..

Turns out she was just vacuuming.

I figured out my iPhone is woke.

It can spell “misogynistic.”

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Johhny went to sleep and woke up in heaven

He awoke before the Pearly Gates...

St Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Johnny"...

Johnny was stunned, "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back"...

St Peter said, "Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork but...

What did the ghost say when it woke up with a bad hangover?

“Man, I really need to lay off the boos.”

There was a guy in a hospital, and finally woke up.

The guy said, “damn i cant feel my legs.” The doctor said to him, “well thats because we amputated your arms.”

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

I woke up with an allergic reaction spreading all over my body.

Instinctively I thought to go straight to the doctor, but then I realized quickly that one should never make rash decisions!

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red ...

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the woke kids no longer call refer to "butterflies"

now it's "late stage caterpillism"

Woke up this morning and folded my bed back into a couch.

Almost broke both my arms cause it’s not that kind of bed.

What did Jesus have when he woke up on the third day?

A morning resurrection

Last night I woke up, startled, to a female’s voice coming from my desktop. “Hello,” it said, “It’s me.”

Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell.

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Carl woke up.

It was 1 hour before dawn again. He always woke up early these days.
Carl was a lone survivor. It had been 2 years 3 months and 5 days since the start and he was still going strong, he guessed he was just lucky.

He was down to his last bullet. Ammo had practically run dry about a year ...

I got drunk last night and woke up next to a beast!

So I know I got home safely.

A man woke from a coma at the hospital after suffering a terrible accident

He began yelling "Doctor, please help! I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor said, "That's because we had to amputate both your arms."

A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night.

He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.

He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the first bottle swearing, "you are the reason I fight with my wife".

He smashed the second bottle, "you a...

I think my computer has become woke

It’s just come out as non binary

I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn't real.

It was a pigment of my imagination.

I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night.

I really need to stop drinking on duty.

Sister Mary Margaret woke up and saw from the rising sun that she was late.

She jumped up, dressed in a hurry and headed down for morning prayers. Sister Agnes took a look at her and said "Well, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed today" and smirked. Sister Mary Margaret just shook her head, slightly annoyed, and kept going. Then she saw Sister Martha who looked at ...

Why I am the way I am

My children asked me once why I am the way I am. So I told them.

One day, shortly after my first child was born, I came across an old lamp in a bundle of baby clothes. I wiped the lamp off, and a genie appeared and offered me three wishes. "But," the genie added, "your wishes will come with a...

My wife woke me up around Dawn, screaming her head off

I should mention Dawn was our babysitter.

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A man in Vegas got completely shitfaced and woke up in bed with the ugliest old woman he’d ever seen.

Very quietly, he put $50 on the bureau and tiptoed to the door.

Suddenly he felt a tug on his leg. Another ugly old lady was lying there.

She smiled and said, “What? Nothing for the bridesmaid?”

Last Sunday I woke up with a sudden tooth pain.

I thought "Oh great, no dentist is open on Sunday, I'll have to wait until tomorrow to get this dealt with." But, just in case I decided to Google dentists open on Sunday in my area. Well, surprise, surprise! I get this search result that says "Pain-free Dentistry without novocaine! We'll teach yo...

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My favorite pornstar died last night.

I woke up today with mourning wood.

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For years, my wife and I had sex as soon as we woke up. Sadly, she passed away.

Now I wake up every day with mourning wood.

What's the best gift to get a "woke" person...?



Sleeping pills...

What did the dentist say to the lady when she woke up from the anesthesia?

You have the prettiest teeth I've ever come across!

A man woke up sobbing

"The world is a cruel uncaring void!" he cried. "Pleasure is fleeting but pain is eternal! Hope is a mirage! What cruel God made this reality!?"

Next to him, his wife stirred.

"Oh honey...is it Monday already...?"

A man woke up in the hospital...

Doctor: I'm really sorry, but we've had to remove your colon.

Me why?

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I woke up this morning, looked at my penis and said

'Hello Ween'

A husband woke up one morning to his wife standing next to his bed, wearing a sheer negligee and holding a silk rope.

\- Tie me up with this rope, - she whispered to him. - And do whatever you wish.

He tied her up and went fishing.

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“If you woke up and found a used condom in your ass would you tell anyone?”

“No”


“Want to go camping?”

I went to bed with a 7 and woke up with a 10.

Forced upgrades should be illegal, Microsoft.

Burglars are getting very clever these days.

Last night, my wife woke me up, “Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!”

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone. Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and TV were gone.

This morning my wife woke me telling me she had a terrible dream.

She shook me a little and I was still in that half asleep response mode. She says, "I had a terrible dream. I dreamed that we broke up and you left me for some hot 20 year old."

Eyes still closed, I mumbled, "20 years old. That's terrible. Where did I find her?"

Woke Disney has gone too far! First it's hehim and sheher, then it's theythem...

Now they have an entire TV show called Andor!!!

I woke up one night to someone knocking on my front door.

I felt uneasy, but I went and answered it anyway. When I opened the door, I looked around, and then spotted a shellfish on my welcome mat.

"Let me in", it cried, "I'm being chased by a bunch of wasps."

That was when I realized why I felt so uneasy.

This was the clam before the s...

Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
<...

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.

On the way back to bed, he passed his parents’ room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, “Hey, Dad, what are you doing?”
The dad answered, “Playing Cards.”
Little Johnny asked, “Who’s your partner?”The dad answered, “Your mom.”

Little Johnny then pas...

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Little Bobby woke up early on Thanksgiving Morning

As he was putting on his clothes for the day, he heard a loud, "FUCK!" coming from the Kitchen.

Little Bobby rushed downstairs, to see his mother nursing a cut on her finger.

"Mom, what does 'Fuck' mean?" asked little Bobby.

"It's a way of preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving."...

Jack woke up at home with a terrible hangover and black eye.

The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened la...

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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field.

The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
...

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This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

When I woke up I had to fight my morning wood

I beat it single-handedly

Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence

I left my PC on all night and when I woke up, it was freezing

Turns out, I left the Windows open.

After a night of heavy drinking, when I woke up naked in my sister’s bed on New Year’s day, I feared the worst.

When my brother-in-law kissed me on the cheek, those fears were realized.

The society finally woke up

even saw the homeless in the parks vaccinate themselves!

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Neighbors pissed cause I wanted to surprise them with a clean yard before they woke up.

Hauled my leaf blower over there for no reason.

a blonde desperately wanted to win the lottery.

So she prayed to God one day and asked him to help her win the lottery.

The next morning the blonde woke up and she didn't win. So she prayed to God again asking to win the lottery. She reasoned that she'll use the money to do a lot of good and cure all diseases in the world.

The next ...

I woke up this morning...

I woke up this morning to find all by books and knick-knacks scattered all over the floor.

I've only got my shelf to blame.

I woke up one night to the sound of someone breaking in to my house.

I quickly reached for my phone. My wife grabbed it away and whispered "Don't do that, he'll hear you! Take your baseball bat, go downstairs and chase him out!"

I reluctantly took my bat and creeped down the stairs.
I tiptoed into the kitchen.

Nobody there.

Slowly, I made my ...

John passed away, when he woke up, he was at the feet of Saint Peter -

\- with millions of clocks around the room.

Confused, he stood up and asked, "What are the clocks for?"

Saint Peter said to him, "These are the clocks of everyone in the world, they only move when someone lies."

So John goes to one and says, "Why has this one only moved twic...

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God woke up with a hangover.

He held His temples as one of His angels knocked gently on the door. He grumbled them inward.

"Sorry to disturb You, Sir," the angel said hesitantly. "But I wanted to congratulate you on yesterday's creations. For the most part, they were spectacular!"

"Wha...?" God mumbled. The angel ...

I woke up last night from a noise somewhere in the house.

My wife turned to me and whispered "It must be a thief. Go downstairs and check."

Reluctantly, i went downstairs. I checked every room but couldn't find the thief.

I knew this sneaky guy was hiding somewhere but where?

Then i remembered- i don't have a wife.

A woman giving birth went into a coma for a few days

When she woke up, the doctor told her, “congratulations, you gave birth to healthy twins: a girl and a boy. Your ex-boyfriend visited and named them for you”

The woman replies, “no not him! What did he name the boy?”

Doctor: Mason

Woman: Oh that’s actually not a bad name. How ab...

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wife woke up with 2 black eyes.....

I woke up this morning and saw my wife sitting on the edge of the bed with two black eyes."

"What the fuck happened to you?" I asked.

"This is what happens when you drink 9 pints of lager," she replied.

"That's bullshit," I said, looking in the mirror, "I drank 9 pints of lager ...

I named my kid Bob Ross

He was a happy little accident.

My wife and I woke up on opposite sides of the bed.

The aliens are getting sloppy.

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I suddenly woke up in a world populated by dogs

There were dogs of all different breeds and for some reason most of them were puppies. While I looked around an older dog approached me:

"Welcome." - He said - "I'm Old Dog Bob, and I'm designated to explain things to you..."

What? the dogs could talk?

"...Once every 100 years a...

I think Putin woke up late today

I saw him Russian to work

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A king summons three of his most loyal subjects to a meeting

The king looks at the first man, who was named Rand.

"Rand, kiss my hand!" he orders.

Rand obeys him and kisses his hand. The king looks at the second subject, who was called Lee.

"Lee, kiss my knee!"

Lee obeys and kisses his king's knee. The king turns in the direction o...

Apparently the Republican party are considering banning coffee...

Part of their war on woke.

The wife woke me up at three o'clock this morning, accusing me of not loving her.

I can't believe she came all the way to mum's just for that.

A lot of comedians these days have a major issue with 'woke' people

Bill Cosby, for instance...

A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill...

...with a touch of laryngitis - but being a dedicated employee he went to work.

The boss felt rather sorry for him and didn't want him to do any physical labor - as they were repairing a part of the freeway. He says, "Why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through t...

I was tickling my son's little feet, when my wife woke up and started yelling at me...

Something about, "Waiting until he's born..."

My wife made up this joke in a dream and woke herself up laughing...

Q: How do you tell the difference between a Golder Retriever and a Dalmatian?

A: You get down on the floor and spin them around real fast. One of them is yellow and the other one is gray.

I woke up with the ability to recall every cake and cupcake I ever ate.

Guess you could say I now have Duncan Hines-sight...

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

EDIT: Woke up to find THIS :O

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A white guy woke up in a cell with an Asian man and a black man.

None of them had any idea what was going on. All of a sudden a mysterious man appears in front of them and says, "If all of your dick lengths combined can reach exactly 1 foot, I'll let you all go. If not, I'll kill you all" All 3 men pulled down their pants and put their dicks together, the white g...

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Once there was a women's bowling team. Everyone on the bowling team was so-so at bowling, with the exception of two women.

One of the two women was named Martha. Martha was absolutely abysmal at bowling. Every single game, she got at least nine gutter balls.

The other woman was Linda, and she was the best player who had ever set foot in the bowling alley. Every time the team won a bowling match, Linda was r...

Woke up in California today

Now I know why they call it, *Orange County*

Bill Cosby enters in a bar ...

... i don't know what happens next because I suddenly woke up in a motel's room.

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A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...

I woke up this morning and couldn’t move my head.

I called the doctor, explaining what was going on and asked for an appointment.

After a few moments the doctor responded: “I can see ya neck’s weak...”


“Haven’t you got anything sooner?!”

AITA for telling daddy I saw mummy kissing another man?

Last night, I (7m) couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. I saw mummy (38f) kissing a strange man. I ran upstairs to tell daddy (41m) but he wasn't in his bedroom. I went back to bed crying.

In the morning, mummy woke me up saying, "Merry Christmas" but I ran straight to daddy. I said, "Last ni...

I was cryogenically frozen for a while, then somebody woke me up early.

I really lost my cool.

I woke up confused and unable to smell

I feel like nothing makes scents anymore

My mother woke me up with the sentence „Hey, we‘re getting new phones!“

I was happy, but not sure why I woke up in a bathtub full of ice cubes.

What did the French groundhog see when he woke up?

His château.

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