UPJOKE
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A woman at a fancy restaurant is chocking...

Hands on her neck, face turning blue. A man runs over, pulls down her dress and licks her ass. The woman's eyes bulge and a piece of steak goes flying. She turns to the man and says "What the fuck was that?!" To which the man responds "The hind-lick maneuver."

-credit to grumpy guy at work.

An Oil Prospector Died and went to Heaven

And St. Peter said, "Well, I checked you out, and you meet all of the qualifications. But thereā€™s one problem."

"We have some tough zoning laws up here, and we keep all of the oil prospectors over in that pen. And as you can see, it is absolutely chock-full. There is no room for you.ā€™"
...

My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."

...independent!"

I whatā€™s the similarityā€™s between a cop and a kinky girlfriend?

They both keep chocking you even after you ask to stop.

What did the unluckiest lucky man do when he found the pill of immortality?

He chocked on it.

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Back in the 1980's, two young Aussie tourists visit the Vatican as part of a Kontiki tour...

Typical of the day, beer is the main refreshment, so they have an Esky (a cooler) chock-a-block with ice and ice cold beers to keep them refreshed while viewing the sights. Due to the beers being consumed, they soon lose contact with the main tour group and decide to investigate the Vatican by thems...

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My collection of elephant jokes

**Q: Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?**

A: Because they're *really* good at it

**Q: Why should you never walk in the jungle between five and six?**

A: Because that's when the elephants get out of the trees.

**Q: Why are there pygmies in the jungle?**
...

A couple was on their honeymoon

They decided to go for a ride on a stage coach. So they took a horse and a stage coach and went for a ride along the coast.

Suddenly the horse trips and almost falls down, shaking the stage coach, but keeps going. The man says loudly "one!"

After a couple hundred meters the horse trips...

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Buddy is down to the final interview of finally realizing his lifelong dream of becoming an FBI Agent...

Itā€™s down to him and 2 other candidates. The three candidates sit in a room together waiting to be called in for the final interview. The first candidate goes in only to reappear minutes later upset and storms out muttering something about ā€œtaking things too farā€. The second candidate goes in, again...

Wayne Rooney walks into a shop

He sees a shiny silver thermos flask that he has never seen before, so he finds a shop assistant and asks him, "what is this used for?" the shop assistant replies, "it is used to keep hot things hot and cold things cold". Wayne Rooney buys it and takes it to training the next day. Alex Ferguson sees...

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Enjoying a meal at a nice restaurant, ended up saving a life!

So Iā€™m at a restaurant enjoying a nice meal with my wife. Sheā€™s ingesting the smoked pork jowl while Iā€™m enjoying a nice rack of lamb cooked to perfection. All of a sudden at a few tables near us, the lady whoā€™s splitting with her husband a smooth roast chicken (with an immensely enjoyable aroma) s...

A blonde goes to the barber while wearing headphones

She asks for a haircut. The barber accepts but suggest her to take of her headphones, to which the blonde replies she can't cause otherwise she'll die.

The barber is confused, but decides to start cutting her hair anyway. Halfway, the barber asks again if the blonde can remove her headphones...

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An elderly couple from Ohio are planning their 40th anniversary...

The couple, who were rabid basketball fans, had used the last 39 years to have an annual foray into their shared passion for the NBA. They went to games when they could, had gone to the Basketball Hall of Fame (four times so far), but usually just celebrated by getting each other neat collector's i...

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Little old lady(long)

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?"...

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Rooty the Rooster [NSFW]

Farmer John found himself in a bit of a rut. His crops weren't yelding like they use to, cattle prices had hit an all time low, and he was really strapped for cash. After discussing it with Mrs. Farmer John, they decided to salvage what they had, sell the farm, and move to greener pastures. He kisse...

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