A couple getting married are standing at the altar saying their vows...

"Do you, Linda, take David the optometrist for better or worse. Better.... Or worse? Better.... Or worse?"

In a bid to entice republicans, Biden vows to pick up right where Reagan left off...

With rapidly detiorating mental health.

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A nun joins a monastery...

She vows to say only two words every year.

After the first year she approaches the mother and says "bed hard". The mother nods and sends her away.

After the second year she approaches the mother and says "food bad". The mother nods and sends her away.

After the third year she ap...

PRIEST: you may now read the vows you have prepared

ME: I think I misunderstood the assignment

"just read what you have"

ME: ok [deep breath]... A E I O U

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied. On th...

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

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A guy died of heart attack a few hours after his wedding vows.

His wife wanted dick so bad that she cut the penis off her man's body, filled it with cement & hung it on the bedroom wall.

Every night she used to go to the wall & get herself satisfied.

A neighbour once came for condolences and noticed the thing hanging and realized what's go...

If a homeless man vows to find a job, then when he finally does, it will make him

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a self-fulfilling profit.

New Pope

There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.
...

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There was a young couple very much in love...

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "S...

I asked my wife if she wanted to renew our wedding vows for our anniversary.

She said "two wrongs don't make a right."

When I was 20 I took a vow of celibacy...

My wife however called them "wedding vows"

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Four nuns about to take their vows..

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.

Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother ...

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A nun...

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high voice,”Could you please take me to Times Square?”

In a thick Brooklyn accent the cab driver initiates conversation,”Hey, sista, that’s kinda a long drive. You mind if we, like, chat?”

The nun says,”Why no, my son, wh...

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approache...

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding...

They were discussing the details with their friends.

Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear.

One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.

Nancy replied, "Silver."

At ...

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Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years

One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.

Hi...

Preparing my wedding vows in the form of a poem...

What rhymes with "the way you shake that ass?"

A groom ran out during his wedding...

His heart wasn’t in the relationship anymore and he couldn’t go through with it, so he ran out just before the vows.

The wedding party, along with everyone in attendance, was in shock.

The bride’s father convinced everyone that since he already paid for the reception, everyone should...

Why didn't the bride and groom exchange their wedding vows?

TL;DR

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A communist spy and an American spy are camping out in opposite buildings on Moscow.

Each one knows the other is there but thinks the other does not know that they are there. After hours of spying each one decides they need to go out for some fresh air. However, since both would be easily recognized they decide to put on disguises. The Communist, a female, puts on an elaborate mal...

A man goes to war and his wife vows to not wash at all untill he returns!

Ten years later, he returns and his wife meets him at the airport.
After they get in a car the wife asks:
"Whats wrong? You haven't spoken a word since you came"
and the husband replies:
"I'm waiting for you to fart so I can catch some air"

It was pretty funny when I was s kid!

Marriage Vows

A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one.

After a while, the husband said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."

His bride replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in
front of all those people."

Two melons: A Love Story

One day two melons were laying next to each other in the sunny field. The same thing is also going on in an alternate universe. Tom Melon looks over and sees the most beautiful melon he’s ever laid his melon eyes upon. “I have to get over there and say something to her” he thinks to himself. So he r...

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

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Today is my wife and I's anniversary...

I wanted to have sex, but she wanted to go to Outback Steakhouse. Her parents suggested that we go to church and renew our vows. We compromised.

So we did it outback by the church.

A holy man was feeling distraught one morning, so he sat alone in his church praying to God for guidance...[long]

The Good Reverend had been giving into indulgence far too often lately; drinking wine, his Tuesday night Poker games, and sneaking peeks at those unmentionable places on the Interwebs.

It had started innocently enough, but the priest was getting carried away and the guilt was finally getting ...

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A Bishop had finally had it with a priest in his archdiocese who kept fucking up Sacraments

Right before he was about to excommunicate him, the priest got on his knees and pleaded to give him another chance. The Bishop was a good guy so he allowed the priest one chance.

"If you can preform a matrimony without anything going wrong, I will not fire you"

The wedding starts and e...

My step-dad told me it was pointless to apply to med school because "I was too stupid to be a doctor"

8 years later one of us is an unemployed loser with a drinking problem and the other is making six figures and going to Hawaii this weekend to renew his wedding vows with my mom.

Three people die and go to Heaven.

When they arrive, Saint Peter tells them, "We have one rule here. It's fairly simple: don't step on the ducks."

The three guys enter Heaven, and the first thing they see is that Heaven is *OVERFLOWING* with ducks. It is literally impossible to not step on a duck. Despite this, they try their ...

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There were three young priests...

about to take their final vows. The last test they had to pass was a celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest. 'Ting-a-ling!'

The chief priest said 'Oh Patrick,...

Three nuns were fatally injured in a horrific auto accident on Halloween night.

Being the holy women that they were, the three of them ascended into heaven.

The nuns were stopped at the gates of St Peter.

St Peter said to the nuns “Behold! The gates of your eternal kingdom & glory. Being Halloween night, I must ask each of you a biblical question which will pr...

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Bill The Hunter

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says "You've got two choices. One, I maul yo...

Three friends die and go to heaven...

When they get to the gate saint peter says, "Hi, welcome to heaven. You're going to have a great time. We only have one rule in heaven, and that is to never, ever, no matter what, step on a duck."

"Ducks?"

"Yes, if you do, you will receive a terrible punishment. You may enter."
So...

In 1240 CE, the Mongols invaded Tibet

... and the Tibetan leader, Lama Sakya Pandita, marshaled all able-bodied men in Lhasa to repel the invasion. Commoners, nobility and peasants answered the summons, but Sakya's own monks hesitated. After all, they had all taken vows of nonviolence, and had not harmed so much as a fly since their i...

Him: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

Her: "OK, maybe writing out own wedding vows was a mistake."

Their ones was a very old monk...

who took a while to get anywhere he was going because he was afraid that he would fall and break something. Everywhere he went he would walk in his bare feet because he had forsworn shoes as part of his vows. His breath was so bad that people claimed that they could smell it from the other room. ...

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