I suspect the Oak Tree killed my dog.

But I'm just going out on a limb.

An oak tree walks into a bar.

Nuts on a woman, barks something inappropriate, and leaves.

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Practicing on the Old Oak Tree

On his 13th birthday, a boy says to his father, "Dad, I'm 13 now, and I think I'm old enough to be with a woman."

"Son, you're not ready yet, but I want you to practice everyday on the old oak tree in the yard. You'll be ready soon."

On his 16th birthday, the boy says to his father, "...

A birch tree and an oak tree are talking in the woods...

"You see that sapling over there Oak? That's my son, he's going to be a great birch tree one day."

"No way!" Says the oak. "That's my daughter, she's going to grow into a fantastic oak tree!"

The two argue for a little bit until a woodpecker comes along and lands on the oak's branch. T...

What did the oak tree say to the math professor?

Geometry.

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A man's sex life is like an oak tree

You spend the first part of your life growing up and not doing much. Then later you nut almost constantly for a short period of time, right up until you go bald

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A woman has breast implant made from an old oak tree.

This made her breasts enormous.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline.

Wooden tit?

Did you hear about the two lawyers who set up shop under the old oak tree?

I heard it was a pretty shady business.

A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently.

Looking down he saw an elephant climbing up the tree.

"What the hell are you doing," cried the squirrel.

"I want to eat some cherries."

"But this is an oak tree. There aren't any cherries here."

"It's okay," said the elephant. "I brought my own."

Three vampire brothers were standing in a moonlit pasture, having an argument about who was strongest...

The youngest of the three says “You know what? You guys are always underestimating me. I’ll show you what I’m capable of.”

He flies off at 100 miles per hour and comes back 10 minutes later, his mouth dripping with blood. “Do you see that mansion on the hill up there?” he asks.

“ I j...

What's an acorn ?

In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

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A family is at the dinner table

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like...

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Little Red Riding Hood sets out to go visit her grandmother, who lives in another village

As she's walking on the forest road, she sees the big, bad wolf hiding behind a shrub. She stops and says:

\-My, what big red eyes you have!

The wolf looks at her and leaves without saying a word, disappearing in the dense forest. Little red riding hood continues walking on the same fo...

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Finding the loot

Jose had robbed a bank in Texas and fled south across the Rio Grande with the Texas Rangers in hot pursuit. They caught up with him in a town in Old Mexico, only to discover that Jose spoke no English and none of the pursuers spoke any Spanish. They drafted one of the locals – the school teacher – t...

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Fred loves camping, but his wife absolutely hates it (NSFW)

Every week Fred bugs his wife about it but its the same thing every time, she refuses to go camping. Finally having heard enough his wife says "fine, how about this? I have a list of things that need to be done around the house. If you finish everything on the list by Friday, I'll go camping with y...

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A vampire walks into a vampure bar with his face covered in blood

His friends start going crazy, asking where he got that much blood from.

Knowing they will not let up, thinking his life was at stake, he leads them through valley, into a forest.

"You see that oak tree over there?" he says.

"Yep" reply the others.

"Well I fucking didn't!...

Two old trees stood tall looking at a young sapling growing nearby

One day, a strong oak tree and a fine beech tree were chatting when they noticed a small sapling growing nearby. The forest was a very competitive place. They both wanted this sapling to be their offspring but there was no way to tell from where they stood. The oak tree saw a woodpecker flying throu...

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine...

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine who was keen to show me his private collection of rare tree and plant species. I wasn’t particularly interested but I went along anyway because he was really excited to show me the newest addition to his collection.
“It’s a unique species of oak...

A scrawny little fellow turned up at a lumber company looking for work.

'Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,' he said to the head lumberjack. 'All right,' said the boss. 'Take this axe and cut fired that oak tree.' Five minutes later the man was back. 'I've cut it down,' he says, 'and split it into lumber.' The boss couldn't believe his eyes. 'Where on eart...

I knew a guy who married a tree...

My neighbor fell in love with this oak tree on his property. He ended up having a wedding ceremony and everything (don't ask how he consummated it...). All things considered it was one of the most stable marriages I had ever seen, lasting nearly 20 years. Then a lightning strike split the tree in ha...

Will & Quentin

There were two friends named Will and Quentin. Quentin hated his name so he went by the name Q. Both of these kids weren't nerds in any regard, but they were both ridiculed for their abnormalities. Will was 16 years old and still was only 5'2'' (a small height for a young man his age) and Q was hosp...

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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night,

face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

OK, fol...

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Two veterinarians are walking through the woods...

Two veterinarians are walking through the woods. The first vet states that he is the best vet in the world, and the second vet disagrees. The argument goes on for about 5 minutes when they stop at an old oak tree with an owl sitting on a branch.

The first vet says, "To prove it, I bet I can p...

One day a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were being chased by the police.

The girls decided to go up 3 different trees and hide.

The brunette hid in the apple tree. The redhead hid in the lemon tree, and the blonde hid in the oak tree.

The policeman went to the apple tree and said, “Is there anyone up there?"

The brunette went, "meow"

The poli...

What is the poorest tree in the forest?

The burr-oak tree.

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A man wakes up to his wife screaming about a gorilla in the garden.

Wiping the sleep from his eyes, he staggers to the window just in time to see a huge silverback climb up into a gnarled old oak tree at the bottom of his garden. A little perplexed, he calls the RSPCA and gets put through to the Gorilla Dept.. Turns out this is a common enough occurrence, and before...

The gentleman husband called home...

... and the butler picked up.

Husband (H): Where is my lady? Give her the phone.

Butler (B): Good Afternoon Sir, umm, well, she is in the bedroom with someone.

H (Infuriated): What? What are they doing?
Butler checked and informed him that they were kissing.

H (Very ...

A college student was golfing with an old man...

And they get to the 6th hole, a very long par 5 with a huge oak tree right in the middle of the start of the fairway.

The college kid says to the old man, "Any advice on this hole? I'm not sure I can carry over the tree but this hole is too long to lay up on the first shot."

The old ma...

Four men are out golfing...

They were just teeing off when the three men noticed one of their buddies, Jim, was looking a little distraught. Curious, they asked him what was wrong.

"You see that big oak tree over there?" the man replied as he pointed out towards the hole. The other three men nodded. "You see," Jim co...

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Man wants his penis size reduced

A man with a 50 inch penis went to a doctor, and asked: "Doctor, is there anything you can do about...this...thing?"

The docor gave him a brochure for plastic surgery, but the man quickly put it away and said: "Sorry, but isn't there another way? I'm really afraid of surgeries."

"Well,...

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