Rabbit walks into a clothing store ..

Rabbit walks into a clothing store.  Clerk says to the rabbit 'may I help you, sir?'

Rabbit says 'yes, I'd like a tossed salad with croutons, ranch dressing on the side.'

Clerk looks bewildered and responds 'uhhh, we don't have salads here.'

Rabbit says 'oh really?  Then make...

A horse, a chicken and a Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the ...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

I tossed a yield sign into a tornado once.

Guess I was throwing caution to the wind.

I tossed and turned as I heard metallic sounds coming from the next bedroom.

It was a restless knight.

I dreamed last last night that I was making pancakes whilst driving along a twisty road

I tossed and turned all night

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

What sound did the Boeing CEO make when he was tossed out of his office?

*BOEING*

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A zookeeper walks into a bar

A zookeeper walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Damn it's been a hell of a day. Some idiot visitor tossed a cigarette lighter into the monkey cage. We had a hell of a time getting it away from them. Every time we went near the cage they'd start throwing feces at us, which wasn't that bad, til they ...

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The night Lorena Bobbit severed her husband's penis, she drove a distance then tossed the 'apendage' out of her car window, striking the windshield of a vehicle driving in the opposite direction.

"Christ! Did you see the size of that bug?" To which the passenger replied, "No, but damn, it had an enormous dick!"

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods.

Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe.

Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"


The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks ...

Just Married

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pant...

Wife brings home a street cat

The husband hated the cat however and one day carried him a short walk down the road and left it there.

When he arrived home he was shocked to find the cat was already there eating some food the wife had given him. Before it could finish however the man again took the cat and this time rode ...

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What's the difference between cow shit and bull shit?

I was telling my mate a story about how I found 2 identical piles of dried shit. So, I picked one of them up and tossed it in the air. It went 5 metres high before almost landing on my head. I then threw the other one up, 5 metres, 10, 20, it just wouldn't come down. And you know what my mate said ...

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

I took my dog to the local talent agent yesterday.

We walked through the door and I handed him our card:

"Barney. Talking dog."

The agent chuckled, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Alright, show me what you got."

"Hey Barn, how was work this week?"

"Rough."

"What goes on top of a house?"

"Roof."

"...

I tossed my wife into a well, but then I thought this was too harsh and threw her smartphone after her.

So she can now enjoy digital well-being

One morning, the new owner of a saloon was setting up his establishment for the day

He heard a commotion from the street and walked out to see people jumping onto their horses, climbing into buggies, or just running away.

"Hey," the owner called to one of the men. "What's going on?"

"You better run, barkeep," the man replied. "Big Ed's a'comin', and can't nobody sto...

A banana was insulting lemon saying it has a miserable life because it gets cut, squeezed and then tossed away.

Lemon was furious and said it’d die by a sword with dignity than to face a humiliation of being stripped naked.

Three large trolls were sitting around the campfire discussing their health.

"My doctor tolt me I need to get meself some exercise. Good fer me heart. So I tossed 'im up high in there air. Daggum good exercise."

The next troll laughed, "If ye gots any heart at all, its as hard and cold as granite. My doctor tolt me I was lack toes intolrant. Ain't sure what 'e meant s...

A storm-tossed ship was about to go under

The captain shouted to the crew, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."

"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

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Last Day Alive

My dad was ill and the doctor said this was his last day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I spotted a wishing well. Taking my chances I tossed in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son...

What did the Gen Z baker yell when he tossed the dough?

YEEST

A guy is tossing peanuts in the air...

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth and his wife asks him a question. He turns to answer her question and the peanut he just tossed lands in his ear and gets stuck.

He and his wife spend a short period of time trying to get it out and decide maybe they should...

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A guy from Boston was driving down a New Hampshire country road.

He saw a farmer out in his field, doing something near a horse drawn wagon. His interest piqued, he pulled over and got out to watch. After a while, it became clear the farmer was picking something up out of the plowed field and tossing it into the back of the wagon. As the farmer got closer, the gu...

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A man had a bowel problem one day and goes to see his proctologist.

"What seems to be the problem?", asked the doctor

"Well, ever since the Packers got that bad ref call during yesterday's game, my gut has been acting up"

"Bad ref call?" Replied the doctor, while preparing his instruments. "I was watching that game too, but it didn't look bad at all!"<...

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A woman and her annoying nephew entered a lawn bowling contest.

The sun was out, the grounds had been immaculately prepared and every retiree within city limits had turned out for the event. Pearl had to admit that she was feeling better about the day now that it had finally arrived.

A few weeks ago when her delinquent of a sister had foisted her awful...

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How I got banned from the strip club for giving a tip. (Long story)

I saw this patron at the club often buying a hundred pack of one dollar bills.

He would break open the pack and toss them all up in the air and shout **"Let it Rain"**

All the girls would scramble to pick up all the money and all you saw was ass and titts eveywhere for about 20 second...

There were three guys on a boat. One of them had one last cigarette, but no lighter. He asked his friend if he had a cigarette lighter. His friend took the last cigarette and tossed it overboard.

"Hey why'd you do that?!" he yelled at his friend.

"There you go. Now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter."

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

I tossed a quarter at my girlfriend...

"Ouch, that hit me in the head!"

I look back and reply, "good, maybe that'll knock some cents into you"

I'll see myself out.

Joe, why haven't you tossed your hat in the ring for the presidential election?

I'm Biden my time.

I tossed my friend Sierra a can of pop

Sierra Mist

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

A deranged man was tossing a brick off of the interstate overpass

He had the brick tied to a rope which he was using to toss at cars, then reel back in, to toss at more cars.

Police surrounded him, telling him to drop the brick. As they started moving in, he tossed the brick again, aiming right at a semi.

The brick crashed through the windshield, ca...

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Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the Week before Christmas
by Canttake Itany Moore

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the city

The virus still raged. The year was still shitty.

The cars sat snuggly, all still in the street.

There was no place to go. No friends to meet.

Restau...

Coin toss

Little Johnny : I was feeling so sleepy this morning that I tossed a coin to decide whether I should attend class or go back to bed.


His Friend : So, what did you finally do?


Little Johnny : I had to toss 10 times before I could finally go back to bed.

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

Police Checkpoint

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a few bottles of Budweiser

Bubba, said "Slow down, Earl, a Police checkpoint is ahead!!

There was quite a few vehicles in front of them so Earl said, "Don't worry, Bubba, "We'll just pull over and finish drinking these beers, peel o...

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