Went to my yoga class today and my instructor turned up blind drunk.

Put me in a really awkward position.

Smart shoes

A fiend of mine bought some new shoes a while back, they were called smart shoes, no matter how drunk you were they could always walk you home!

One day my friend got blind drunk and woke up miles from home near the beach, apparently the shoes got bored going from his local bar to the flat, th...

A mans wife warns him if he comes home drunk after a night out again she'll kick him out.

He goes out with his mates to the pub with a promise to his wife he shall be home by midnight and will not get drunk. He gets to the bar, several hours and many drinks later, the man is in a terrible state.

He has thrown up over himself, fallen over and generally ended up blind drunk. His mat...

My uncle drank way too much..

his wife told him that she would leave if he came home drunk again. Of course he goes out again, gets blind drunk, and vomits all over himself. He tells his buddy, “I can’t go home like this, she’ll leave me”. His friend gives him a $20 and says, “Put this in your pocket, and tell her that somebody ...

My Wife Threw My Out of the House

Guy walks into a bar staggering drunk and sobbing.
"What's wrong asks the bartender?"
My wife threw me out of the house and now she never wants to see me again," says the guy.
The bartender hands a cup of Joe to the poor guy and says, "Tell me the whole story. It can't be all that bad and ...

Paddy’s Suggestion

Paddy and Mick are blind drunk and going home from a night out and realize that they don’t have enough money for a taxi so they decide to go to the Bus Depot and steal a bus. … Mick breaks into the depot as Paddy stands as a lookout. …

After a while, Paddy decides to see what is keeping Mi...

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I disagree with artificial intelligence...

My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea: no matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got ratted one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, the shoes got bored j...

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A woman walks into a bar...

A woman walks into a bar on a Saturday, orders a triple Jack Daniels, knocks it back in one gulp and orders another. She does this again and falls on the floor blind drunk. Every guy in the place fucks her.

She comes back to the bar a week later. Again, she orders a triple Jack Daniels, kno...

A SEAL and his Sculpture

There was a Navy SEAL living undercover in the depths of Eastern Russia where they regularly hold ice sculpting competitions. He had been there for a while and was longing to liven up his stay there so he decided to enter the next one. There was a shop in town that he could buy sculpting supplies fr...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a giant jar of $20 notes...

"What's with the jar?" the man asks the bartender.

"That's for the bar challenge, you put $20 in and if you complete three tasks you get the lot."

"What are the three tasks?" the customer asks, intrigued.

"First you need to drink a gallon of homemade moonshine, the strongest we...

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