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This Morning Jokes

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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A lady on the bus next to me this morning was sneezing, about every 3 minutes...

Each time she sneezed, her eyes rolled back, she gave a moan and shuddered.
Curiosity got the better of me after about 15 minutes, so I asked her if she was alright. She said, "Yes". Then she explained she had a very rare condition, whereby every time she sneezed, she had an orgasm!
I asked if...

Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.

He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.

Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning...

...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

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I got a job in my first porno this morning.

I’m the husband leaving for work.

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So I woke up to a blowjob this morning

It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open

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My boss called this morning and shouted,

“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.”

“Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied.

“Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.”

So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”

I told my wife I saw an alien on the way to work this morning

She said “how do you know it’s on its way to work?”

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I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard.

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt...

...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that...

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I saw my dwarf neighbor standing at the bus stop this morning so I stopped him.

I said, "Jump in! I'll give you a lift!"

"Fuck off!" he said.

And I just thought to myself, "What an ungrateful person he is." So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

My daughter was born this morning, July 4th.

It’s the day I lost my independence.



(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well).

A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
...

This morning I came early to my office

And, I switched places of M's and N's on as many keyboards as I could.

Some people would say I am a monster but others would say nomster.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning.

Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...

Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Me: ARRRGH!
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus...

My son was on eBay this morning.

Child services were not impressed with me.

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My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

I fought an erection this morning

Beat it single handed.

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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."

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this morning, my wife saved me from choking to death on a custard cream biscuit.

The fat cunt had eaten them all.

Biden had a meeting with his cabinet this morning

then he talked to the bookcase for a while, and now he's arguing with the couch!

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

Reddit was down this morning

Leaving millions of workers nothing to do except their jobs

My wife woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face.

I love Sharpies.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning

What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?

Precubescent

Actual joke dad said this morning

waitress: How do you like your eggs?

dad: in a cake

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

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I got a Viagra stuck in my throat this morning.

I had a stiff neck all day.

My wife was reading the newspaper. She gasped and said, "A dead body was found by the restaurant bins this morning!"

"Those bins must be very observant," I replied.

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

A joke my pastor told this morning at church

A woman has a heart attack. During this, she dies and meets God.

"Will I die?" she asked.

"No," God replied, "You will live for another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days."

At this instant, she snapped back alive. After the heart attack, she decides to make the most of her life.
...

My neighbour banged on the wall at 430am this morning!!!!

Can you believe it. Lucky I was still awake listening to music.

They banged and shouted "Can we have a little respect please?"

I shouted back "I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this ones for you"

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms...

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Just then, I realized I h...

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

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I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?"' I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.

This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind.

It came completely out of the orange.

I sneaked onto a beach early this morning.

The coast was clear.

Saw the CEO arriving to work in a Ferrari this morning. He noticed i was looking and he told me "if you work hard for this company, if you stay overtime without asking compensation, if you truly believe you can make a difference and instill the same passion into your colleagues...

... then probably next year I'll be able to go for a Lambo"

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This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs and she said "Press One?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that.

I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s this morning.

His mother was furious.

This morning i used redbull instead of water to make my coffee.

After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, i realized i left my car at home!!!

"How would you feel about a threesome?" my wife asked over breakfast this morning.

"Wow, that would be amazing!" I said.

"Which of my friends would you like me to ask?" she went on, licking her lips seductively.

"How about Rachel and Gemma?" I replied.

A comment made in retort to my wife this morning made her laugh through the day

Not really a joke, but see if you people think its funny.

We got a young puppy atm and myself an wife usually get up at same time early each morning to sort her out. As she hasn't seen us for a few hours as she sleeps downstairs with cats, she gets excited and clingy first thing, so one of u...

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth this morning.

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.

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I was walking my dog this morning when this guy shouted at me "I hope you're gonna pick that shit up!"

I just pulled up my pants and ran

I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning.

The man getting served in front of me, asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas". The guy was fuming "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!", he raged, "I'll just have to have a latte!". He went and sat down. I went to the counter and said "I'll have a large latte too, plea...

My son video called me this morning.

He said “Dad, couldn’t you have given me a better name than video?”

This morning Chuck Norris was shot

Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied:

"Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

Guess who stopped smoking this morning?

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

I rung up work this morning..

"I need some time off work." I told the receptionist. "My wife died last night."

"Oh I'm so sorry." She replied. "Please, take as much time off as you need."

"Thank you." I said. "It'll be about eighteen years, with good behaviour."

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My bedside lamp turned into a butterfly this morning.

Last time I buy a cheap larva lamp.

Heard on WBLS 107.5 this morning

If someone has the Clap and goes to an Orgy where everyone gets it, would it then be called Applause?

I made a chicken salad this morning

Stupid thing won't even eat it.

I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime

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I went to the doctors' this morning...

"It's my testicles, doctor." I told her. "One of them isn't normal."

"Excuse me?" She said, rather abruptly. "Are these your certificates on the wall? Did you spend the best part of a decade earning a medical degree? Is that your name on this office door? Are YOU a doctor?"


"Err, n...

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning

I must have been sleep **wok**ing again

This morning for breakfast, I made a Belgian waffle.

For lunch, I’m planning to make a Dutch person uncomfortable.

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toi...

I answered my front door this morning and got punched in the face by a 5 foot tall beetle!

Obviously, there's a nasty bug going around…

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I got in a huge fight with my wife this morning.

At the end of it though, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees, and you know what she said?

"Get out from under the bed you fucking pussy!"

I brought my wife coffee in bed this morning. She got excited, hot and wet.

Yeah, I spilled it on her..

When I heard this morning that the Prime Minister of Canada is separating from his wife, I couldn’t believe it.

Turns out…it was Trudeau.

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound..

Turns out she was just vacuuming.

This morning I fell into a giant vat of bleach, but don't worry...

I'm all white!

So I went into the pharmacy this morning and asked the assistant what the best thing would be for killing germs...

he said Ammonia Cleaner, so I apologized, as I thought he worked there.

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I own a farm and this morning one of my farmhands was dancing naked in front of the tractor.

I asked what the hell are you doing?


He said his wife and him were having problems and the marriage counselor told him he had to do something sexy to a tractor.

I spoke to the doctor this morning.

He told me he had some bad news and some terrible news for me.

I asked him what the bad news was and he told me I had a day left to live.

I said there couldn't possibly be any news worse than that so what was the terrible news?

He told me he'd been trying to reach me since yeste...

I gave my dog a beer last night. I asked him how he felt this morning.

He said ruff.

I went to the backyard this morning and I saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

I went into the Citgo gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt

Our towns oldest paperboy died this morning at 92.

94 are wondering where their Daily Mail's got to.

Woke up this morning and folded my bed back into a couch.

Almost broke both my arms cause it’s not that kind of bed.

There was a massive $20m gold heist at Toronto Pearson Airport this morning.

They’ll be doing a movie about it called oceans Eh-teen.

This morning I couldn't find my moustache...

it was under my nose the whole time.

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My grandfather sent me this in an email this morning.

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed....

So a cop knocked on my door this morning.

He asked, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'

I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'

[NSFW] What's the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?

I'm not coming in this morning.

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My Kids Got Pissed at Me for Cooking Pancakes this Morning

Seems he was their favorite rabbit

A joke my dog told me this morning

What happens when you stop taking your meds?
Your dog starts talking to you.

Got a bizarre email this morning, explaining how to read maps backwards.

It was spam.

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I stopped believing for a little while this morning

Journey is going to be so pissed.

Came up with this joke this morning in the shower.

I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.

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After running some tests this morning, the doctor told me I had incredibly healthy sperm.

Probably because I only ever masturbate into sports socks.

My priest asked me for soy milk this morning..

I said, forgive me father for I have skimmed.

I listened to the traffic report this morning...

They said that someone on the highway was driving in the wrong direction... I looked out the window... they were all driving in the wrong direction!

I got really in touch with myself this morning...

I need to use a better toilet paper.

I ran into a wall with a full erection this morning

I am hospitalized now because i broke my nose

I parked up in the hospital car park this morning and this official looking bloke says that space is reserved for badge holders only.

I said I have got a bad shoulder.

I was so hungry this morning I almost ate a clock....

I didn't because it's time consuming. Also, I'd have to go back for seconds.

I'm here all day..

I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning.

I'm getting rather good at golf

Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.

What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?

He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"

Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.

This morning, I said to my wife: "you look like a million bucks!"

"All green and wrinkled!"

I'm sleeping in my car tonight.

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I woke up this morning, looked at my penis and said

'Hello Ween'

I beat my wife up this morning.

We're quite competitive when it comes to getting out of bed.

My waitress at breakfast this morning was really unsettling.

She gave me the crêpes.

I just learned this morning of the whale oil harvesting process…

In the 1800s when sailors were hunting whales for oils, it would take days while one is harpooned to get it into the boat while it passes and fights and the oils would even seep out making it very slippery and challenging to get into the boat so they had to use these beef hooks like butcher beef hoo...

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I was digging in my garden this morning and found some gold coins.

I was really excited and rushed inside to tell the prostitute about it but then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.

I'm not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore.

I was offered a construction job in Egypt this morning.

Turned out to be a pyramid scheme

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning & said, "I'm afraid, I've got some bad news".

I said, "Oh you poor thing, come in and I'll help you through it".

A joke I thought of this morning.

Q. What's the only vegetable you can inflate?


A. A Pump-kin

Minister: "I couldn't help notice that your husband walked out of my sermon this morning."

Lady: "Don't take it personally, he's been walking in his sleep for years."

I went to the gym this morning and hopped on the treadmill

People started giving me funny looks, though, so I decided I'd better jog instead.

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Best jokes come from real life. This happened this morning.

The toilet is clogged. My wife and I both insist we've only gone #1.

One of us is full of crap and the other one is full of crap.

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My girlfriend's moving in with me this week so this morning I burned all my porn DVDs in the garden.

Now all I have to do is burn the ones in the shed, the house, and the garage.

This morning my wife walked in and started hitting me with a bouquet of purple flowers…

She woke up and chose violets.

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My six year old son caught me masturbating this morning

He said, "What are you doing daddy?"

"It's called wanking," I replied. "You'll be doing this soon."

"Why, daddy?" he asked.

"Because my arm is fucking killing me."

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I called in sick to work this morning.

My boss said, “you don’t sound sick.”
I replied, “I just got done fucking my sister, is that sick enough for you?’

This morning my wife woke me telling me she had a terrible dream.

She shook me a little and I was still in that half asleep response mode. She says, "I had a terrible dream. I dreamed that we broke up and you left me for some hot 20 year old."

Eyes still closed, I mumbled, "20 years old. That's terrible. Where did I find her?"

I ran over Five Miles this morning

Looking back, Five Miles is a terrible name for a dog.

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We cleared out my grandma's house this morning

We sorted out the good stuff and put it on eBay, and then went to the estate agents to put her house on the market.

She's gonna be pretty pissed off when she gets back from bingo.

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A vacuum salesman knocked on my door this morning

When I opened my door, before I could even talk to him, he dumped a bucket of dog shit on my carpet

He then said “if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t clean your carpet within 2 minutes, I will personally eat whatever’s left of the shit

To which I replied “well you better be hungry because m...

Spiderman found dead this morning

Police believe he commited insecticide

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Got run over by a limousine this morning...

Took fucking ages.

This morning I accidentally put baking soda in my wife’s coffee instead of sugar. She didn’t seem to mind though.

She’s basic.

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Came up with this one this morning. What do you call moisturizer for your penis?

Chapsdick.

Why didn't Barca fans eat anything this morning?

Because they 8-2 much last night.

I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ‘’I could marry you!’’, I couldn’t believe it

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

I ran 3 miles this morning

Finally I turned around and said, “here lady, just take your purse.”

I had a huge breakthrough this morning...

Yep - finger went straight through the toilet paper and I had to wash my hands twice.

Heard this on a podcast this morning.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport. The pilot saw a...

(OC) one I thought up this morning

What did the vegetarian lion say before going hunting?

"Lettuce prey"

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door

My plumber has a funny sense of humour

I just did 10 pull ups this morning

These jeans are tighter than I remember

Did you about the parishioner attending mass this morning who was accidentally whacked in the head with a ceremonial scent diffuser?

Apparently the guy was pretty incensed

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Thieves stole a truck full of viagra this morning...

Police have asked the public to keep an eye out for *hardened criminals*.

At this mornings press conference, Ron Desantis announced that the state of Florida will be outlawing the consumption and distribution of coffee.

He went on to condemn the beverage as a tool of the WOKE agenda.

This morning I made a belgium waffle.

In the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk bollocks.

Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter?

Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.

Boss: That's 20 feet tall! It shouldn't take you more than 5 seconds!

Can anyone tell me if Jesus saw his shadow this morning?

I need to know if we'll get another 6 weeks of quarantine

This morning I was in my car doing donuts in the parking lot at work

Now I have glaze all over my balls.

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