UPJOKE

I Woke Up This Morning Jokes

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt...

...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that...

So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound..

Turns out she was just vacuuming.

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I woke up this morning, looked at my penis and said

'Hello Ween'

I woke up this morning...

I woke up this morning to find all by books and knick-knacks scattered all over the floor.

I've only got my shelf to blame.

I woke up this morning and couldn’t move my head.

I called the doctor, explaining what was going on and asked for an appointment.

After a few moments the doctor responded: “I can see ya neck’s weak...”


“Haven’t you got anything sooner?!”

I woke up this morning to find that overnight I'd changed into a cat.

Don't ask meow...

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from?

Then it dawned on me.

I woke up this morning...

Oh well, better luck tomorrow

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I woke up this morning to a blowjob

From now on I'm never sleeping on benches with my mouth open.

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I woke up this morning.

Took a shit.
Too bad I never got out of bed.

I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.

They were Basking Robins.

I woke up this morning and realised I couldn't stand Up.

But then I realised I can't stand most Pixar movies.

I woke up this morning and my wife said "turn and face me"

I replied "I'm not ready to face my problems yet"

" Could you explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my ass? " My wife screamed.

" Could you explain to me," I yelled back, " Why you didn't wake up when I put it there? "

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I woke up this morning to a tap on my door.

Fuck that plumber.

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was gone...

I went to the kitchen and found a note on the refrigerator that said “*This doesn’t work anymore, I’m sorry*”

Not sure what she meant, the fridge worked perfectly...

So I woke up this morning with a bit of bacon growing out of each ear, i went to the doctors he examined me and this was his final diagnosis...

I can't be cured...

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I woke up this morning to my neighbors banging on my front door.

I was like "Why can't you two fuck in your house like normal people???"

A man goes to his doctor: "Help, doc! I woke up this morning and lost my voice!"

Doctor: "Good morning sir. How may I help you?"

I woke up this morning and thought I had tunnel vision.

Luckily it was a false alarm, the wife just fancied a 69.

I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy...

then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.

I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth...

That's the last time I ever buy a larva lamp…

I woke up this morning and found my wife washing a big mac in the kitchen sink..

Me: Honey, what are you doing?
Wife: The doctor told me I need to lose weight, and I should start by cleaning up my diet.

I woke up this morning next to a woman whose name I don't even know.

I guess that's what it's like when you're in a hospital ward.

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A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

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A guy walks into the doctors office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"

"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."

The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going
to have to stop masturbating for a little while."

"Why?" asks the man.

"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

I woke up this morning to find my patio covered in little brown squishy piles surrounded by little frog-like footprints.

I think they must be toad stools.

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When I woke up this morning, the garbage disposal was making a funny noise.

Turns out he was just masturbating in the next room.

I woke up this morning and was surprised to find a huge box of LEGO blocks sitting on my front porch.

I have no idea what to make of it.

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I woke up this morning to find Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid...I was petrified.

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I woke up this morning at 9:30, made coffee, stepped out for the day's first cigarette, and was greeted by a gorgeous spring day. The sun was shining the birds were singing...

Then I ripped ass like a bologna windmill slapping a tile floor.

I woke up this morning and told my wife that I had a dream I was trying to call her but she never answered...

She said "Sorry, I must have been awake."

I walked into the pet shop this morning and said to the cashier, "I bought two hamsters from you yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, they were both dead!" She frowned and replied, "I warned you about the hot weather. Did you give them plenty of water like I suggested?"

"Yes, I filled their tank right to the top."

I joined a religion where flatbread tells us about god.

Its a naan prophet organization.


I have no idea why this was the first thing my brain did when I woke up this morning.

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I don't understand women...

I woke up this morning and asked my wife, "what's wrong", and she said, "nothing".

At breakfast I asked her "what's wrong" and she said, "nothing". I asked her again on the way out of the house, phoned her on the way to work, called her every half hour at work, met her for lunch and asked her...

Morning time

I woke up this morning, went to the bathroom.....then got out of bed to get some coffee.

An older couple is lying in bed.

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in be...

There was this little 9 year old blind kid, and one day he said to his mom, "Mom, All I've ever wanted was to see."

His mom said, "Well son it's your lucky day, today is the last day of March, and if you pray your hardest,your prayers will be answered."

So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying himself to sleep.

He wakes up half way through the night and realises that the night...

Last night I dreamt I was eating a 15 pound marshmallow…

I woke up this morning and I couldn’t find my pillow.

I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday

and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

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I should have checked....

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Whiteout.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction!.

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wife woke up with 2 black eyes.....

I woke up this morning and saw my wife sitting on the edge of the bed with two black eyes."

"What the fuck happened to you?" I asked.

"This is what happens when you drink 9 pints of lager," she replied.

"That's bullshit," I said, looking in the mirror, "I drank 9 pints of lager ...

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(NSFW) Two Iraqi's move to Australia and have a bet who can become the most Australian in a year.

A year later, they meet at the pub and the first Iraqi says "G'day mate! I woke up this morning and had a can of VB and pie and sauce for breakfast. Later on I'm gonna hook up the tinny to the fourby and go fishin with me mates! How's that for fucken Australian!!!"

The other Iraqi looks at h...

Quasimodo is drinking at a bar.

He sees this extremely drunk woman. He starts chatting her up and one thing leads to another and they wind up in bed back at Quasimodo’s room at Notre Dame.

The girl wakes up the next morning severely hung over and with little recollection of where she is and who she slept with. She pulls the...

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Three guys compare their levels of intoxication

from a party the previous night.

The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."

The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."

The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute ...

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Well, it finally happened today, I knew it would eventually so I was ready.

I came out of Walmart with my mask on and keeping six feet away from everyone, I pushed my cart to my car, all the while wearing my face mask. A woman was getting out of her car next to me with no mask. As I'm putting groceries into my car she says, "Let me guess - you're a liberal - ‘cause that ma...

A patient rushes to a hospital.

Patient: NURSE I NEED A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY!!! I'M HAVING A HUGE ISSUE RIGHT NOW.

The nurse sees the distress in the patients eyes and calls over the doctor.

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

Patient: I don't know doc. I woke up this morning and I'm half deaf. I only hear hal...

Grim Reaper

Late last night, I heard a knock at my door. When I opened it, I saw Death come to take me. He stuck out one bony finger from his shroud and motioned for me to follow.

“Please!” I begged. Just give me a few more years.” Death just silently shook his head.

“I’ll do anything,” I exclai...

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A dog breeders prize sire is nearing retirement age

The old hound had been prodigious, siring litter after litter, but the breeder felt that the time had come to introduce more variety in his dogs. His problem was that the old hound would chase off all the new sires, and he didn’t have it in him to give his first dog the snip after years of service, ...

The Neighbour's Rabbit

So I woke up this morning to see my dog laying down in the back, covered in dirt, with a rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit's not bloody eh, just dirty. My neighbor's child has two rabbits, so immediately I knew it was one of his. So I took the rabbit from my dog, ran inside, and washed all the dirt o...

I had a weird dream last night that I was eating huge marshmallows!

I woke up this morning wanting smore!

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