UPJOKE

This Even Jokes

This evening I went for a walk with a beautiful woman.

Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.

Car mechanic: Sir, you can pick your car up at 5 pm this evening.

Me: I don’t think I’ll be strong enough by then.

An original joke by my 6 year old this evening. What is the largest number in South America?

A Brazilian!

There will be a mass meeting of the debating society this evening.

All mass debaters are invited to attend.

I went to a restaurant this evening and asked: “Hi, is my table ready?”

“No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?”

“No that’s fine”

“Great, take this to table 6 then”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boyfriend asked me this evening if I would shave my pussy...

... He’s going to be royal pissed when he wakes up bald.

Jack Daniels couldn't be with us this evening....

.....but he's here with us in spirit.

I’ve been playing Bonopoly this evening.

It’s like Monopoly, but the streets have no name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said she had a headache so didn't feel up to sex this evening.

I told her to just suck it up.

This happened just this evening at the grocery store...

I was in the produce section, and happened to notice a rather striking looking woman. We smiled and went about our business, but as I was picking out my green onions, I saw a flash of light, and the woman screamed.

When I turned around, her entire right arm was engulfed in flames! Luckily the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a new cocktail this evening. It’s called “The Donald”.

It’s an orange peel on top of a White Russian.

Took a Grab taxi this evening

Upon getting to the intersection, I told the cabbie “Take the left, it’s much faster”.

The cabbie suddenly bolted upright. I thought he just dozed off or got tensed from caffeine.

Then he shared it was his 1st day with Grab.

He used to be a funeral service driver.

She's single... lives right across the street and I can see her place from my kitchen window! I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door!

I opened the door, she looked at me and said: “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe fool around a little....you know, have some fun. Are you doing anything tonight?"  I quickly replied: "Nope, I'm free!" - "Great!" She said.   “Can you look after my dog...

I invited Superman to a funeral this evening...

But he said he was feeling weak so he didn't want to go to the crypt tonight.

This evening I watched a Series of Unfortunate Events

Then I turned off the news and watched Netflix.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Booked a table for me and the girlfriend this evening

It’ll end in tears, she’s shite at snooker.

All flight have been suspended for a second time this evening,

come one now, this is starting to drone on and on .

I asked a partying man covered in feathers if he'd taken lots of drugs this evening...

Quoth the raver: "Never more"

Girlfriend asked me what to do this evening...

My girlfriend asked me what I wanted to do this evening? Should we go out bowling or should we go upstairs and mess around in the bed? I told her that I am NOT going to put my fingers in some dirty hole where hundreds of guys had put their fingers in before me!!! So we went bowling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took my wife to see the doctor this evening... (nsfw)

I took my wife to see the doctor this evening to sort out her tourettes problem.
It turns out she doesn't have it... I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off...

Was out on the trusty steed this evening, riding through the woods...

Suddenly we came to a stop and he began to nibble on some weeds. I decided not to protest until I realized he was eating what appeared to be a pot plant. He began to wobble a little and I couldn't help but think, I probably need to get off my high horse.

So my 5yo kid is mad at the world this evening and he comes up with this masterpiece:

Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Him: Nothing.

Me: (struggling to maintain a straight face) Nothing who?

Him: Don't. Say. Anything.

A farmer had three daughters

And they all three had dates planned for this evening. The farmer got his shotgun out to clean as well for added intimidation for the gentlemen callers.
At 5PM there was a knock on the door, so the farmer answered it with his shotgun in tow.

A young man was standing in the stoop, and said,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is on a business trip in Paris and gets lonely..

He decides to call down to the hotel lobby to see if they can arrange him an escort. Within minutes there is a knock on the door and he opens it to see a stunningly beautiful woman wearing a short tight dress. "Monsieur, what are you interested in tonight?" He thinks for a second and says "honestly,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar....

He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and sh...

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