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Last night my parents walked in on me masturbating

Why they were walking around masturbating, I’ll never know.

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I had sex for three hours last night.

We role-played as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for two hours and 58 minutes.

I was sat at the end of the bed last night, Pulling off my boxers, when the wife said to me....

"You spoil those dogs"

I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."

It was my complimentary nan

Went out for sushi last night

And a guy spilled a whole bottle of soy sauce on himself. Everyone laughed except me. Don‘t Kikkoman when he’s down

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My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.

Those dirty bastards.

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I was in town last night with my girlfriend. We walked past a fancy restaurant and she went MMMMmmmmm that smells delicious. So I though, fuck it, she deserves a treat…

So I turned around and we walked past again.

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I put my phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a $1 coin in it's place.

Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

So I met a girl last night and we got talking. She asked me what my perfect date would be.

I said DD/MM/YYYY, anything else is just wrong.

I watched a documentary on Marijuana last night…

…that’s probably how I’ll watch all documentaries from now on.

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I was fucking my wife last night ( NSFW )

I was fucking my wife last night when she looked back and said ,"i'm feeling kinky tonight , turn off the light and stick it in my arse".

As soon as i did , she screamed

Maybe next time i should let the bulb cool down first

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My wife has an eccentric but harmless new habit. She started taking a fish to bed with her. It didn’t really bother me until last night.

When I suggested we have sex, she replied: “Not tonight, dear, I have a haddock.”

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My printer died last night under suspicious circumstances.

Epson didn't kill itself.

I slept like a baby last night.

I woke every two hours and cried.

My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night.

"I've cooked dinner," she screamed. "And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog."

"Woooah! That's bang out of order," I said. "It's not his fault!"

Learnt a horrible lesson last night

Don't keep your life savings under your pillow unless you hate money and love teeth

Last night I managed to run 5 miles

I stopped when I saw she wasn't giving up and I just decided to let the old lady have her purse back

I went to a cannibal restaurant last night...

Very expensive - $50 a head

A thief broke into my house last night

He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him

Went to my first fight club last night

I got there a bit late so I missed the orientation but wow it was amazing. If anyone wants more information, let me know!

\- credit to my friend Brian who popped this one off last night. He's not a very original sort so I'm sure he stole it from somewhere.

I dreamed last last night that I was making pancakes whilst driving along a twisty road

I tossed and turned all night

My wife was photographing some superheroes last night. I suggested to her to turn the flash on...

...turns out, he really enjoys a lap dance.

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Wow! I had amazing sex for an hour and 40 seconds last night!!

Thanks daylight savings time!

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Met the woman of my dreams last night; Tall, long blonde hair, beautiful face, perky boobs and a huge blue cock with a snake's head at the end.

I have some fucking weird dreams.

Last night I was thinking to myself "I wonder how much Google really knows about me?"

But then my Android phone texted me the message "not much". So I feel better now.

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I encountered a milf at a bar last night

although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy

we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time

then, she asked me flirtatiously

"have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet".

She drank a little ...

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I came home from a night out, saw my Dad sat on the sofa. Smiling I said 'last night I lost my virginity' he was delighted! Tapped the sofa and said 'You're a man now son, tell me all about it ....'

I said 'I can't Dad, my arse is killing me'

As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.

The Doctors were trying to convince me that

I'm actually a Swedish bloke who has forgotten his identity...

But I am having none of it. I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!

I went on a date with a blond women last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

My friend David lost his ID last night while we were out drinking at the local pub

Now he’s jus “Dav”

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I went a dinner party last night and was seated next to a girl in a wheelchair.

As the evening went on, I got more and more drunk and she became more and more attractive. Eventually, I leaned into her..

"So tell me," I slurred, "Have you ever been fingered under a table?"

"No." She replied. "But I once got fucked under a bus."

Had an excellent meal last night at this cosy little Christian restaurant near us called "The Lord Giveth"

They also do takeaways.

Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I'd like to hear today's special.

I said yeah

He said, today is special.

I said, I can appreciate a good dad joke, but can you tell me about the menu please.

The waiter slams his notebook down on the table, and says, sir the men I please is my own private business.





**EDIT**

Thank ...

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Told my ex I had a wet dream about her last night

She fell off a cliff and I pissed myself laughing

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I spent all day calling my mates to tell them about the 3 way I had last night with twins

One guy asked if I could tell them apart.

I said absolutely! Chris was a blonde with medium sized breasts, and Pat was a dude.

I stopped a kidnapping last night.

The parents had just gotten it to sleep, too.

I was in a bar last night and saw a cute woman sitting alone.

I walked over, said “hi” and asked her “what is your name?”

“Chantelle” she said

“Oh, I wish you would” I replied.

I got distracted while studying Reading a book about abdominal pain in the library last night

Someone ripped out the appendix

I met a girl last night & after so flirting asked her if she wanted to come home with me to play "Doctor"?

So when we got to my place, I left her sitting on my couch with a bunch of out dated magazines on the end table for 2 1/2 hours before I came out of my bedroom.

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My wife and I roleplay sometimes in the bedroom. Last night we played "war in the middle East"

I was USA and she was Afghanistan. I pulled my troops out and left her fucked.

Last night I got really drunk at the bar, so I took a bus home.

Which might not seem like a big deal, but I’ve never driven a bus before.

A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

My wife went to a chinese restaurant last night, but walked out in disgust when she saw their dumplings.

A clear case of wonton abandon.

I had a headstone made for the bong I broke last night.

I had it engraved Bong RIP.

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Last night John Travolta was hospitalised for a suspected case of Covid-19

But his doctors have now confirmed it was only Saturday night fever and they assure everyone that he’s staying alive.

Apparently he had chills that were multiplying.

Last night I watched a movie called "Fresh Meat".

I don't want to spoil it for you.

Last night my wife and I argued for hours as to whose turn it was to do the laundry.

This went on but eventually I folded.

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I was watching porn last night when my grandmother suddenly walked in.

It was an awkward way to find out what she did for a living.

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I went outside the pub last night for a cigarette.

I got talking to a guy in a wheelchair, he said,

"Why do you smoke when you don't have to?"

I looked at him and asked, "Why the fuck are you wearing shoes?"

I had Himalayan Cat for dinner last night.

On the account we found Himalayan on the side of the road.

I saw a cicada last night.

The poor guy was just a hollow shell of his former self.

I took a ride last night, and I guess Uber will just hire anyone now.

I had to sit in the backseat because the driver’s guide-dog was riding shotgun.

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Last night I was drunk and told myself I needed to stop drinking. I went into the fridge the next day and grabbed a beer

Cause I'm not going to listen to a fucking drunk talking to themselves.

No believes me but I saw Genghis Kahn holding a spear running around town last night.

They say is just another one of my Kahn spear I see theories.

I had a phone call today from the police asking if I’d taken the train home last night, about 11:35. I nervously replied “yes, why?”

They said “because they need it back madam.”

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I went to a show last night

And I really felt bad for the hypnotist I saw. He hypnotized 7 guys, and dropped his mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME".....What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I went to the pub last night and was steaming drunk after just one pint.

The eleventh, I think.

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last night I was setting up a password for an account on something

I entered in "my dick", at first I thought the password was ok but then the website told me to try something longer. at this moment I wasn't upset I just wanted to know how they knew.

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Last night I was lying in my room and gazing up at the stars...

Then I thought... Where the fuck is my roof?

I went to a Mary Poppins themed restaurant last night.

Super cauliflower cheese, but the lobster was atrocious!

My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night.

She said it was disgusting to let my grandma touch me like that.

I had a nightmare last night that my Tik Tok account was deleted

It was scary, because for a second I thought I had a Tik Tok account.

I was tripping all night last night...

...I should really work on my balance...

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Got kicked out of the local Japanese restaurant last night.

Turns out I misunderstood when my waitress said, “Miso, hot, for you sir”.

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

I damn near had a threesome last night...

Just needed 2 more people.

The missus came home steaming drunk last night.

"You up for some role play action, babe?" She asked with a wink.
"Not really." I replied.
"Oh, come on." She said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, howev...

Last night, I was jumping for joy and yelling, and my wife came over to ask me what was going on

I yelled out - I just won the lottery!!! Pack your bags!!!

She got really excited and said - Where are we going?!?!

I replied - what do mean, “we”?

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My dog, Minton, ate a shuttlecock last night.

Bad, Minton!

So my wife died last night!

Mourning breath was awful this morning...

Last night I had a dream where I drowned in an ocean of soda.

Actually it was more of a Fanta sea

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof

Picked up a hitchhiker last night

He said thanks! how do you know i’m not a serial killer though? I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical

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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she whispered in my ear "You have the biggest penis I've ever laid my hands on!"

I said "Na, you're just pullin' my leg!"

I couldn't sleep camping last night...

I couldn't sleep last night in my tent because of noise. I got up and followed the sound into some nearby woods. Deep inside I discovered a clearing in the middle of which was a DJ setup with dance music blaring out with smoke and flashing lights. Behind the decks there was a huge but rather worse-...

Last night I made fish tacos

They looked at them and just swam away.

My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night

Aftwerwards I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"

Did you hear what happened at the laundromat last night?

Three clothespins held up two shirts.

What did the quesadilla say to the tortilla last night?

Buenos no-cheese

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Why did I down a whole bottle of laxatives at a comedy show last night?

For shits and giggles

In last night's high winds I lost 25%of my roof....

oof...

Last night I dreamt I was an owl.

It was a hoot.

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It's impossible to get any sleep at my new apartment. Just last night I had a bitch bangin on my door until 4am.

Eventually I had to let her out!

I woke up last night from a noise somewhere in the house.

My wife turned to me and whispered "It must be a thief. Go downstairs and check."

Reluctantly, i went downstairs. I checked every room but couldn't find the thief.

I knew this sneaky guy was hiding somewhere but where?

Then i remembered- i don't have a wife.

I was reading a book on anti gravity last night.

I found it quite difficult to put down.

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Last night my father told me about this insane lady who couldn't even make it past airport security.

"She couldn't even make it past airport security," he had told me. "She was hoppin, skippin, howlin and growlin, saying things like *'can't wait!' 'can't wait!'* and airport security just wasn't on board with that psychedelic shit, so they kicked her out."

"Wow," said me. "Was she a five year...

I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, “You don’t have much experience removing bras, do you?” Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

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Last night there was a seminar on how to withhold orgasms.

Nobody came.

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

The local wig shop got broken into last night

They've had to replace all the locks

I was bitten by a nonbinary vampire last night...

They came from Trans-Sylvania.

I was in the interrogation room last night, but I refused to say a word.

I don't think I should be a policeman.

The inventor of Halls Cough Drops died last night.

There will be no coffin at his funeral.

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My next door neighbour is an inconsiderate asshole. He knocked on my door at 3AM last night!! 3AM!!

Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

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Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I walked past the cemetery last night and saw three girls looking scared

So I offered to walk with them for a bit. They were embarrassed but I said hey that's normal, who wouldn't be scared, walking by a cemetery in the dark. They nodded, laughing nervously. I said I used to be like that when I was still alive...
I've never seen three girls run so fast.

I rolled my first joint last night!

Today I have an ankle the size of a football. :(

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My wife and I got to act in a porno last night

I played the husband that went to work

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me

. On a related note...…………………. I suck at darts.

I went to Bill Hayleys fish shop last night

They do Hake, Haddock and Sole

I think it was a mistake to go to that "swingers in the dark" party last night...

...I don't know what came over me.

My font designer girlfriend broke up with me last night.

I guess I just wasn't her type.

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My mate down the pub asked me last night “why do you have so many sex noises saved to your phone?”

I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."

He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"

I replied, "No, I work in a morgue''.

Anybody know who won the origami fight last night?

I couldn't find it anywhere on Paper-View

I ate at a Korean restaurant last night.

The meal was excellent, but I really wish I hadn't asked for a doggy bag.

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Watched a porn last night of an old, fat man masturbating.

Turns out it was just a mirror.

Got in trouble with wife last night....

I told her that if she was a celestial body, she would be a supernova.
She said "Because I am so hot?"
I shouldn't have replied "no, because you are expanding at an alarming rate."

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After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

I watched a documentary about hydroelectricity last night.

Best dam movie I’ve seen in a while.

Jack got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,

"Can I buy you a drink?" He asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," Jack assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after ...

My friend was obviously upset, so I asked her what was wrong. She said they lost her brother last night.

Apparently, "Why aren't you out looking for him?" was not the reply she expected.

My brother got all his properties taken way and thrown in jail last night

When he was in jail he threw feces all over the walls..

That was the last time we played monopoly.

Last night at the pub my friend told me he doesn't trust doctors.

When I asked why he said, "About ten years ago I developed a limp and a pain in my leg. I went to the doctor and he told me that the problem was that one of my legs was shorter than the other, and that I would need to wear special shoe inserts to even them out." I replied, "That doesn't sound crazy....

Last night an unknown person created a hole in the wall of the local brothel.

Police is looking into it.

My girlfriend asked me last night if she was still as pretty as the day we met. I said of course! She frowned and said “You have to say that, you can be honest.”

She asked if I was as happy with her as ever. I said of course! She said again “you have to say that, you can be honest.”

She asked if I still wanted to be with her and only her. I said as long as her sister is still in a relationship.

Apparently I shouldn’t have been *that* honest.

I left a bottle a whiskey outside last night and it got rained on.

It's not ruined but my spirits are dampened.

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I got home from work last night and walked into the bedroom just in time to catch my wife's secret lover escaping out of the window.

After slapping the cheating bitch around a bit, I ran out of the house to catch the guy..

"He went that way." Informed my mate, pointing toward next door's garden.

"Cheers Dave." I said, as I scaled the fence in pursuit. "And get some fucking clothes on, you'll catch your death."

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I was going to lose my virginity last night, but unfortunately I got the dreaded performance anxiety...

I wasn't sure that I'd blow her up the correct way.

I went to the strip club last night and it was closed...

I guess nobody wants to twerk anymore.

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Last night the wife and I tried a 68.

She gave me a blow job and I told her I owe her 1.

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My favorite pornstar died last night.

I woke up today with mourning wood.

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I was woken late last night about 3am

By my next door neighbor in a very revealing negligee, bra, thongs and high heel boots, and asking to borrow a cup of sugar.

I said, ‘fuck off dave, I’ve got work in the morning’.

Last night I was laying in bed naked with my girlfriend when she started to cough.

She told me she might need to get tested for Covid.

I pulled the covers over her head, then I farted.

She goes "ewwww, that stinks. Oh my God I can taste it!!!".

Then I pulled the covers off of her and said "Congratulations. You don't have Covid".

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The wife and I walked passed a swanky, expensive restaurant last night.

She said "The aroma of their cooking from there is absolutely gorgeous"

Being a spontaneous sort of guy, I thought I would treat her. So I turned her around and we walked past it again.

Got stopped by police last night. They asked me if I had a police record

Yes, walking on the moon from 1979

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?

-I have to do that or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny.


-That's not going to work.


-Why not?


-Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night

But I will recover.

There was trouble at the 'World Speed Juggling Championship' last night

Things got out of hand pretty quickly

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila

"You're coming home now!" she screamed.

"No, I'm not," I laughed.

She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

I ate a huge can of alphabet soup for dinner last night

This morning I had the biggest vowel movement of my life

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Last night I was bored so I entered a drinking competition in a japanese restaurant

It was only for the sake of it

Last night someone broke into my house

And used my bathroom, it was most disgusting thing I've ever seen

who squeezes toothpaste from middle?

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

I added pronouns to my tinder profile last night.

I'm now known as he/him/yes officer that's the one.

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.

"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."

"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"

She smiled and held up four fingers.

It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hou...

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