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Last Night Jokes

Who won the presidential debate last night?

People who didn't watch

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My favorite pornstar died last night.

I woke up today with mourning wood.

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I encountered a milf at a bar last night

although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy

we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time

then, she asked me flirtatiously

"have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet".

She drank a little ...

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I was fucking my wife last night ( NSFW )

I was fucking my wife last night when she looked back and said ,"i'm feeling kinky tonight , turn off the light and stick it in my arse".

As soon as i did , she screamed

Maybe next time i should let the bulb cool down first

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Rolled my first joint last night.

Fuck, my ankle hurts this morning.

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Last night I was offered a threesome by two hot twins

Sex with Jessica felt great, but Jeremy was a pain in the ass.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

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I was having sex with my wife last night

when she suddenly yelled, “Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!”


“Just relax.” I said, “You might like it.”


“Relax?” she screamed, “What the fuck is Dave doing here?”

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

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Last night I was out for a few drinks.

One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.


Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.


Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers...

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I had sex for three hours last night.

We role-played as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for two hours and 58 minutes.

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night.

The police told us to stay in our houses until they'd shot him

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

I met 3 women at the bar last night…

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and repli...

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night

The police told us to stay inside until they shot him

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My girlfriend kept going "Sssshhh" while we were having sex last night.

I think she may have a puncture.

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A girl I met last night told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow...

Found out that she meant 'Trout' and not 'Skittles.'

I arranged a threesome last night

Had a good time even though there were two no-shows.

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

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I walked in on my sister last night masturbating with a carrot.

I shouted, "Fuck, seriously?! I was going to eat that later, but now it will just taste like carrots!"

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Last night I massaged my wife

Italian: Last night I massaged my wife with the finest olive oil, then we made love and I made her scream non stop 5 minutes.

French: Last night I massaged my wife with special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream 20 minutes.

Indian : That's nothing. Last ni...

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

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[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"

She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"

I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."


[EDIT]: My top post ever is about sadism! Damn I love Red...

I had a bukkake party last night.

It was a disaster. Nobody came.

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me

On a related note, I suck at darts

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After sex last night...

...my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had".

Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response.

I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night

When the wife said to me,

“You spoil those dogs.”

A policeman searched me last night...

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "...

After making love to my wife last night, she told me I had a body built for sin

12 hours later, I still can't figure out if she meant Gluttony or Sloth

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Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush.

I also pull out way to late.

My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night.

She said it was disgusting to let my grandma touch me like that.

I dreamt about a horse last night.

It turned out to be a night mare.

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I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night, he hypnotized 7 guys then he accidentally dropped the mic on his foot and yelled “FUCK ME”,
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life

My girlfriend dropped this on me after some Tex-Mex last night ...

"I'm chilly"

She steps closer and takes my hand

"Will you be my con queso?"

And before I could even respond ...

"Sorry, was that too cheesy for you?"

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My next door neighbour is an inconsiderate asshole. He knocked on my door at 3AM last night!! 3AM!!

Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

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I caught my wife using Tinder last night.

Needless to say, I swiped left on that cheating bitch.

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I went to a disco last night.

I went to a disco last night. They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.

EDIT: Added the beginning of the joke in here because somehow the name is Donald Trump now. What the fuck happened?!?!?

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Can everyone in this sub please brighten my day up a bit? My parrot died last night.

His last words were "Oh fuck, I think my parrot is dying!"

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

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I had a housewarming party last night

The next morning, I came downstairs to see someone I wasn't well-acquainted with but a friend of a friend lying on the kitchen on floor.

I told him, "Time to go home mate, up you get."

I helped pick him up but he immediately fell back down again.

"Alright you're obviously still ...

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".

I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings...

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Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night

Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.

Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town

and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots.....
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police check point ...

Last night I dreamed I was in Paris. The year was 1789.

I was poor and hungry. My clothes were in tatters. I was all alone.

Far away I saw the palace, and when the guards weren’t watching, I slipped inside.

I smelled food. I followed the smell.

There I saw the Queen, feasting on a huge banquet, with a dozen ladies of the court.
...

I lost the bar trivia contest last night by one point. The last question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is, Fiji.

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I was watching porn last night when my grandmother suddenly walked in.

It was an awkward way to find out what she did for a living.

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I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!"

That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly last night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”

“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”

I was sitting at a bar last night

And this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?

I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"

"I have to do that or daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."

"That's not going to work."

"Why not?"

"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

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Saw "IT" last night

Far less "computer networking" and so much more "murderous clowning" than anticipated

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Got a handjob from a blind girl last night

She said "You have the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on."

I said "Nah. You're just pulling my leg."

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After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

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-I was playing chess with my dog last night.

-That dog must be exceptionally brilliant!

-I don't know about that, I usually win.

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I took a girl home from the club last night

as we got inside the house i said, "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."

"ooooooh" she smiled, "Have a big cock do we"

I locked the door and said, "No, i'm going to cut off your feet."

I met an older woman in a bar last night...

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. A...

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Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club....

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a £10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note. She called the guy back , licks the £20 note, and sticks...

I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed... "Anyone know CPR?"

I said hell I know the entire alphabet.
Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy.

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I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

Picked up a hitchhiker last night

He said thanks! how do you know i’m not a serial killer though?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical

My wife won a beauty pageant in Alabama last night.

I was so proud. She and I also won the loveliest father and daughter of the evening too.

Last night I had a dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow

and when I woke up my giant marshmallow was gone.

Last night a local church was robbed. Miraculously the golden Jesus on the cross was left behind.

They took everything that wasn't nailed down.

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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

I was talking to a girl in a bar last night

She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

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My mate down the pub asked me last night “why do you have so many sex noises saved to your phone?”

I said, "It's for sound effects during sex."

He asked, "Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?"

I replied, "No, I work in a morgue''.

I was involved in a car crash last night.

As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.

The Doctors were trying to convince me that I'm actually a Swedish guy who has forgotten his identity...

But I am having none of it. I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!

Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night.

Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?

Rihanna, mate.

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

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I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."

"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone directly on your asshole."

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I was drunk at a club last night

Saw this gorgeous girl dancing with her friends, and full of drink and bravado I managed to stumble up to her and said, “Duck my sick”

She laughed at me and said, “I think you mean ‘suck my dick’”

I then threw up all over her and said, “Nope”

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I went to bed with 2 girls from Thailand last night.

It was amazing, it was like winning the lottery.


We had six balls between us.

I ate at Mary Poppin's Restaurant last night...

Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious

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Accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night

My next shit could spell trouble

I went to see a topless ventriloquist last night.

She was amazing, I never saw her lips moving once.

I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them “I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”

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I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

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True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

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Yeah, baby! I have sex for 61 minutes last night!

Thank you Daylight Saving Time!

My 5 year old just got me with this one last night right before we fell asleep:

Him: Dad, will you remember me tomorrow?

Me: Of course!

Him: Will you remember me in a week?

Me: Yes.

Him: Will you remember me in a month?

Me: Yes..

Him: Will you remember me in a year?

Me: Yes.

Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?
...

Made love to my girlfriend for an hour and 15 seconds last night

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time. I couldn't have done it without you.

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I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabberg...

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila

"You're coming home now!" she screamed.

"No, I'm not," I laughed.

She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

Went out for sushi last night

And a guy spilled a whole bottle of soy sauce on himself. Everyone laughed except me. Don‘t Kikkoman when he’s down

My mum had an argument with me last night.

She told me to stop tickling my little brothers feet.

Her exact words were... "Stop it, wait until he's born"

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar...

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible.

She must have given me a cold or something.

Had a house party last night

...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house &...

I re-watched Will Smith in "Independence Day" last night.

Still slaps.

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick..

How low can you get?

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My neighbour really pissed me off last night...

He kept playing the same Lionel Richie song over and over. I wouldn't mind normally but it was all night long.

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I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.

She spat it right back in my face.


Credits: Jimmy Carr

Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed

I was really angry because he is actually really handsome

Met a guy at the bar last night who looked a bit down

I asked him “what’s up man you look a bit down”

He said “I’ve just be diagnosed with the big C”

I said “Cancer?”

He said “No dyslexia”

My Girlfriend said last night, "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!".

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

I had a blind date last night

I had a blind date last night. But I was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive? I'll be stuck with her all night.

Turns out, There's an app for that.

It's called "Mom Are You Ok". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.

If you like her, you igno...

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Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking...

Where the fuck is my roof?

I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night

Not Happy

I found my first grey pubic hair last night.

Last time I ever eat Grandma's Christmas dinner

An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night.

And brought it to a table of friends.

A thief broke into my house last night...

he started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him

I went to a costume party last night...

Once guy was dressed as a vacuum cleaner and another as a porch swing.

We all agreed the first guy sucked and the second guy rocked!

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I got 6 straight hours of sleep last night…

The other 2 were gay, but at least I woke up feeling fulfilled.

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This one came to me in a dream last night.

If someone is advertising their ass pics on OnlyFans, does that make it a butt plug?

I found out last night that my new girlfriend is a ‘squirter’.

That’s the last time we try knife throwing.

I watched a sad movie last night;

it was a moving picture.

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I tried to share a hot dog with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.

He told me, “Fuck off! Get your own.”

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

My wife let me remove all of her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

My wife and I did it Doggy Style last night...

I sat up and begged, and she rolled over and played dead.

I slept like a baby last night

That's right, I woke up every two hours, shat myself and then cried.

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So I met a girl in the bar last night

She said "I haven't had a cock for nearly 2 weeks now"

So I took her back to my place and we started fooling around.

We got undressed and that's when I noticed the scars from the operation.

On a first date last night my date asked, ‘So, what do you do?’

Frowning, I held up the menu and said ‘you just choose something from this book of food’

My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night.

Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.

Last night I was chased by a serial killer…

We ran for my life

I go so drunk last night . . .

that when I walked across the dance floor to get another drink I won the dance contest.

I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."

It was my complimentary nan

I was laying in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky when I thought to myself

Where the hell is my ceiling.

Sam: Hey Dave, I saw something really weird last night in the woods.

Dave: Oh yeah? What’d you see?

Sam: We’ll it’s kinda hard to explain, except it looked like a group of older women gathered around a fire, doing these weird chants and they started to get naked.. I mean that could only mean one thing..

Dave: Which is?

Sam: Exactly

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I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,

even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!

I accidentally took my cat's meds last night

Don't ask meow

My next door neighbor is Bulimic and she was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted...

"For goodness sake, keep it down!"

Ran into an old high school friend last night.

She said I used to tease her about her weight all the time, and although I personally don't remeber, she must be right; elephants never forget.

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.

"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."

"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"

She smiled and held up four fingers.

It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hou...

An aircraft hit our house last night

My wife’s fault, she left the landing light on.

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Last night a man was admitted to the ER.

Turns out, he had shoved six plastic horses up his rectum.

Doctors list his condition as stable.

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I put my phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a $1 coin in it's place.

Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

Me and my mates stayed up all night last night telling Yo Mama jokes.

She’s got a great sense of humour. Send my love.

My can opener quit working last night.

Guess its a cant opener now.

I made some fish tacos last night but...

...they just ignored them and swam away.

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