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Three prisoners are being transported to the prison where they will spend the rest of their lives. On the way there they have a chat about the things they're taking with them.

The first prisoner says:

- I've got a drawing kit. When I'm behind bars, I want to spend the rest of my life making art.

The second says:

- I've got cards. Now I can play stuff like poker, blackjack or bridge.

The third one says:

- And I've got a box of tampons....

Lincoln, Do the Thing!!! (4th of July Joke)

So, it's the 4th of July night and all the dead presidents are gathered around a campfire having a party. They're drinking and eating and just generally having a grand ol' time when President Washington puts President Lincoln on the spot.

W: "Hey, heyyyy, Lincoln, do that thing you do!

Dont Blame Someone Else For All The Things That Happen In Your Life And The Road You Have Chosen...

Thats Your Own Asphalt

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I was talking passionately about the things I love! She just had to interrupt me to talk about global warming and some shit

such an anticlimactic thing to say

The thing my depression and life have in common

Is they both won't stop bothering me

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Many years ago a Native American and his son were talking about the things of life.

After a pause in the conversation, the son asks, “Father, how did you come up with the names for me and my siblings?”

He replies, “As soon as each of you were born, I went out from the teepee and the first thing I saw is what I named you each. For example, after your brother was born, I looke...

Here’s the thing about vacuum cleaners

It doesn’t matter if you have the best or the worst, because at the end of the day they all suck.

Timelines are the thing of the past,

present, and future

I'm depressed because the store just ran out of the thing I wanted to buy for Christmas

It was antidepressant

A wise old man said to me once, "The things you fear are the things you will one day encounter in life."

Never have I been so afraid of a million dollars.

It funny the things that seem normal when you're a kid.

There was always this kid at the park, covered in dry leaves. We used to call him Russell.

I'm in love with a woman called Clairy but I married her sister, Lorraine. I always felt too guilty to cheat on my wife, but here's the thing- she's just left me. So, I guess...

...I can see Clairy now Lorraine has gone.

The thing we want others to have but dont want ourselves is


These two drunks are arguing if the thing in the sky is the sun or the moon.

They can’t figure it out so they ask a passerby.

“Hey man we’re having an argument. Is the thing in the sky the sun or the moon?”

“I dunno man I ain’t from this neighborhood.”

A teacher asks her students about the thing they fear the most

One girl said spiders
Another student said heights
And then a boy said "Evil A-men"

The teacher confused asks who are they and the student said "I dunno but when I finish praying I ask god to "deliver us from Evil A-men"

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Mom, what's the thing between your legs?

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked his mother what was the hair in between her legs?

She responded, "It's my washcloth".

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on ...

What's the thing my memes and an antivax kid have in common?

They both die in new

That's the thing with bus driver bukkakes

You wait ages for one to come and then they all come at once

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The thing about Virgin guys is..

that noone gives a fuck

People usually hate on horror films, but the thing is...

A great example of the genre and a fantastic film overall

The things that come to those who wait are...

...the things left by those who got there first.

The thing about the seven dwarves is...

The thing about the seven dwarves is...

six out of seven of them are not happy.

I was kidnapped by a mime. The things he did to me were....


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The new Royal Baby has already done three of the things on my bucket list/

1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Suck Meghan's tits

The thing I hate most about being Bipolar?

It’s awesome!

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The thing about Masturbation Contests is

If you want to come first, you have to cum last

The thing about cocaine is...

When you boil it down, it's not all its cracked up to be

I paid a woman to do the things my wife won't do anyone...

Thank you Swift Cleaning Service, my apartment is super clean now!

The thing with you being fat isin't that it runs in your family, it's because...

No one runs in you'r family.

Of all the things a man should never say while going down on a woman, the worst is probably:

"Tastes just like mom used to make it."

Baby boomers are always talking about the things they miss that millenials are taking away from them.

You know what we'll miss when we're old? Trees.

The things flat earthers fear..

Is sphere itself.

What's the thing about Switzerland ?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

Imagine all the things we could do if we didn't have to sleep

I could do so much with those extra 2 hours a day.

The thing about mexican arabs is...

once you've met Juan, you've met Jamal.

Our marriage councilor said I need to show my wife more appreciation for the things she does.

So this morning I slipped her a twenty and said “this is for last night”.

I don’t understand.

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The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

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My family and I went to the zoo. The thing is, there was only 1 animal!

It was a shitzu

The thing about people with fruit fetishes...

Is that they usually come in pears

The thing about clickbait is that it's...

I can't believe that worked!

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The thing about being a eunuch...

... is that you no longer give a fuck.

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The thing about having sex with a workaholic is that...

Work comes before they do!

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Young Jimmy got mixed in with a bad crowd and found himself headed to jail. Being his first time, he was a little intimidated by the things he’d heard, so he was looking for some advice.

His uncle was a colorful fellow and a world traveler, and Jimmy figured he probably knew his way out of a dangerous situation better than anyone else he knew. After Jimmy explained his predicament, the uncle said:

“Yeah, I reckon I have some advice. Some years ago I was overseas riding throu...

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The things kids do

A little kid knocks on a door, when the guy opens it, the kid asks him if he has any jobs around the place he can do. The guy says "Well, the Porch around the back needs painting, I guess you could do that" he goes in, and comes back with a pot of paint, and a brush. The kid takes them, and gets to...

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”

-Abraham Lincoln, 1933

That’s the thing about humping mimes....

You never hear them coming.

I told my doctor that I was unable to do all the things around the house that I used to do.

The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but found nothing wrong with me. When the examination was completed, I said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just very lazy." "Okay," I said , "Now give...

My dad died last year. among the things he left us in his Legacy :

were some jump leads,

a tartan blanket

and the original Subaru owners manual.

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My Grandfather is getting old, it's sad he can't do the things he used to do, bless him

You know, bomb the Japanese.

A Lysol commercial said I should disinfect the thing I touch the most.

I think this is gonna burn.

So the thing about police badges.

Wouldn't it be great if they were made from "copper"?

I was at Walgreens this morning and I overheard an 80+ year old man tell a joke to the cashier. “You know the thing about dating now is...”

“I never get to meet their parents!”

I made a comprehensive list of the things that Homie the Clown don't play.

1. That

I learned from experience that the thing girls want most from life is security.

Anytime I approach one of them, they usually yell, “Security!”

I wanted to kill myself for all the things i didn't do

But i was to lazy to do that

The thing I hate about crushing cans

It's soda depressing.

I have devised a list of all the things I hate about clickbait

Number 3 will shock you

The thing with incest is...

it's all relative.

I decided to make a list of all the things I'm bad at

2) Lists

What's the thing that moms love but kids hate?


The thing I love most about dad jokes... how they keep pushing the boundaries of humour father and father.

Dad, where's the thing for peeling potatoes?

She went shopping.

The thing about ice skating ...

No matter how good you are, the hardest part is always your nipples.

Studies have shown that public speaking is the thing that people fear the most. The second most-common fear is death.

This means that most people would rather be the one in the casket rather than the one giving the eulogy.

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The thing about penis jokes is..

they tend to grow on you.

I want my children to have all the things that I never had.

Like nice children...

The thing about ‘your mom’ jokes is that they’re old, overused, and not funny,


The thing about bird jokes are...

sometimes they're hard to swallow.

Owl let myself out.

What's the thing u don't tell a vampire?

Bite me.

My entire life I've made the effort to become the thing people said I'd never be

So I became a failure.

When I die, I want everyone to say he died doing the thing he loved the most

Which is trying not to die.

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This is the thing I don't understand about eating booty

They say you shouldn't shit where you eat, but apparently it's okay to eat where you shit.

The thing about good music is..

...its technically sound.

You see, the thing about dark humor is...

it's a lot like food. Not everybody gets it.

I was feeling confused, and I needed answers. I needed to just ask the things that have been bothering me to someone.

In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have used the Ouija board.

Of all the things "Inside Amy Schumer"...

..why can't any of them be funny?

The thing with people who are bad at counting calories.. that they have the figures to prove it

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The Thing About Godzilla Sex...

Is that you can see it coming a mile away.

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Of all the things

Dave misses his Mother-in-laws virginity the most.

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The thing I don't like about Dietary Fiber is the large poops

I'm also not crazy about our dog's name.

What is the thing called that irrigates your lawn?

A garden José.

The thing I don't like about shopping centers

When you see one, you've seen a mall

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What department store is named after the things jews hate the most and love the most?

JC Penney.

^I'm ^^going ^^^to ^^^^hell.

The thing about statistics

The thing about statistics is, if you gather enough, you'll find a coincidence.

Whats the worst the thing about having to attend a funeral?

The guest of honor always shows up late!

I once dated a girl who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut the [email protected]#K-up!

but the parrot was cool though!

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The things that you love are what makes you who you are.

I guess that makes me large breasts....

The thing you don't know about soy milk is...

It's really just introducing itself in Spanish.
"Soy milk"

Out of all the things that go bump in the night...

your parent's bed is definitely the scariest

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