The Onion Jokes - 18 Hilarious The Onion Jokes

The onion family

(A colleague just told me this yesterday, and I remembered Christopher Hitchens telling his version on a CSPAN stand-up several years ago during an election so I searched and it's [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9ITT3NOLJk) if anyone is interested.)

A mother, father and daughter onion ...

Why did the garlic break up with the onion?

Because the onion kept making it cry… and the garlic couldn’t take the smell anymore!

What did the Onion ask the Garlic for during their divorce?

Allium-ony.

The onion joke.

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled.

As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. "You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!"

I want to move to whichever alternative universe The Onion get their headlines from...

It seems saner.

I was woken last night to what I thought was the onions in my fridge singing a Bee Gees song...

But when I went to look it was just the chives talking.

Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?

I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.

Dinner at Grandma's

A while ago, I went to my grandma's house for dinner. As I was there, she was preparing a rather odd dish. She was taking green onions and covering them with thinly sliced beef. Unfortunately, she was having a hard time keeping the beef and the onions together, so she tied them with a ribbon she ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'What seems to be the problem?' -'Well, doctor, I work in the kitchen of a big restaurant and sometimes I have this strong urge to put it in the onion cutter.'

- To put what in the onion cutter?
- My thing, doctor.
- But you know this would be very dangerous! I strongly advise you not to go and do this!
- No doctor, I won't.
- Here's a prescription for some pills you have to take whenever you feel you want to put your thing in the onion cutter ...

I remember the time when I was reminiscing my love life while cutting onion

The onion cried

George goes inside a market to buy some food...

He got to the vegetable section and said to the lady who was selling the veg:

George: Hello miss!

Lady: Hello sir, how can I help you?

George: Can i please have 5 kilograms of potatoes but can you wrap them individually in a piece of paper?

Lady: Sure! So, she wrapped eac...

I learned in Culinary School today the only way to cut Onions and not cry.....

You have to not become emotionally attached to the Onion.

What's the difference between a dead hooker and an onion

I cried when I cut up the onion

Chuck Norris chopped an onion

The onion cried.

I asked my girlfriend how I should cut the onions for her, her response, "Do them the way you think I would like them."

And now I know what fear is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mrs. O’Malley walks into see her grocer, Tom, one afternoon.

“My dear Tom!” She begins, “do ya have them sweet red onions that I love so much?”

Tom replies, “Mrs. O’Malley, the onions don’t come in until Thursday. Today is Monday. You’re gonna have to come back.”

The next day, Mrs. O’Malley enters the same grocery store to see her friend, Tom. <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Problems at work

I've got to a change jobs", the patient said to his psychiatrist. "I've worked in a pickled onion factory for ten years, and last week I started to get this uncontrollable urge to put my dick in the onion peeler."
The psychiatrist explains about workplace stress and told him he must learn to re...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.