The Lottery Jokes - 95 Hilarious The Lottery Jokes

I won $1M in the lottery

I gave a quarter of it to charity, and put the other $999,999.75 in the bank.

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Man says to wife, What would you do if I won the lottery?

Wife replies, Take half and leave your sorry ass. Husband replies, Good, I won 12 dollars, here's 6 now get the hell out!

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

a blonde desperately wanted to win the lottery.

So she prayed to God one day and asked him to help her win the lottery.

The next morning the blonde woke up and she didn't win. So she prayed to God again asking to win the lottery. She reasoned that she'll use the money to do a lot of good and cure all diseases in the world.

The next ...

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”

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"If you win the lottery,

the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

...

Got asked by two Thai girls if I wanted a threesome. They said it would be like winning the lottery...

...to my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

I asked my wife what she will do when I won the lottery.

She said ''Divorce you and take half'' I said ''I won $10, here's $5 and there is the door."

"Pack your bags, honey, I've hit the lottery!"

"What should I pack?"
"Everything! You're moving out!"

I just won $10 in the lottery

The lottery boy came and wanted to sell me a $10 lottery ticket.

I said no.

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A man comes home from a long day at work and asks his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

"I'd take half and leave your sorry ass!" She replied. "Well" He said "I just won 2 bucks on a scratch off. Here's a dollar, now get the fuck out."

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Winning the lottery

A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, “Honey,pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!”
The wife says,“Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
The husband yells back,“It doesn’t...

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

"Suzy, I won the lottery! 4 million dollars! Pack your suitcase!"

\-"Do I need to pack winter or summer clothes?"

"I don't care. Just leave."

How did the zombie know they won the lottery?

It was a dead giveaway

My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery...

I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.

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A man prays to win the lottery

A down on his luck man is praying to his god.
"Dear God" he says "I've fallen on hard times, I'm having money trouble and my wife is going to leave me. Please help me win the lottery so I can solve my problems"

Suddenly his god appears in front of the man and says "I have heard your prayer...

A Jewish couple win the lottery...

The wife asks “Isaac - what are going to do about all the begging letters?

Isaac says “We keep sending them!”

[NSFW] The village idiot wanted to get rich.

Everyday he would pray to the gods that he would win the lottery.

Every night, "God, please let me win the lottery!!!!"

This went on for years and years, until one day suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens open, god steps in front of him and slaps him across his ...

Winning the lottery.

My friend Bob won a million dollars the other day so I asked him what will he do with his winnings?

Bob said "Probably pay off my credit card debt".

I said what about the rest of it?

Bob says "well I suppose it'll get paid off eventually".

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So two dwarves win the lottery to celebrate they decide to get two hockers

They both go into a hotel room, they get a room side-by-side. One dwarf goes into one, the other goes into the other.

First dwarf sits on the bed and thinks, 'I think can't do it' and decides to kick her out. He sits on the bed and all night he hears from the other room is 'eh eh eh'. He fina...

Winning the lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said...

My wife died and I won the lottery.

The genie says I have one wish left.

If I ever win the lottery I'll give some of the money to charity.

.....And if she isn't dancing that night I'll give some Destiny

When I win the lottery I'm going to buy a race horse.

I'll name it "My Face" so when it's behind everyone will be screaming "Come on My Face!".

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The Priest's Lottery

A saintly priest had the dream to build a great home for the elderly. He also had faith that God would help him.

He'd been praying for 20 years to win the lottery, ceaselessly, his faith never faltering.

Finally, one day, when he is praying most intensely, an angel appears before him.<...

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

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So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...

So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf Hitler... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up hi...

A farmer wins the lottery

A reporter asks him: " What are you going to do with the money?"
He says: "I'm just going to keep on farming until it is all gone.

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An old rabbi wins the lottery

The man wins $3,000,000.00

A reporter from the local TV station comes to interview him at his house

She asks him, "Congratulations on your winning! What do you plan to do with the money?"

The old rabbi answers, "I'm giving $1,000,000 to a Jewish charity, $1,000,000 to my family...

A man wins the lottery...

A man wins the lottery, jumps in to his car and goes home in a hurry, screeching in to his driveway. He leaps out and runs in to his house and yells to his wife upstairs "I've won the lottery! I've won the lottery! Quick, pack up your suitcase, I've won the lottery!" His wife is yells down "Woohoo! ...

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An eldery Jew buys a lottery ticket every day from the small minimarket from the corner.

And every day he says the same thing: "Hashem (God), please let me win the lottery - if I do I will give a million dollars to charity"

And each day he loses. And still, every day he repeated the same prayer "Hashem, please help me win the lottery - I will give a million dollars to charity"...

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In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

A lady asks god for help

One day a lady puts her kids to bed then goes into her room and prays to god

“ dear God my husband just left me, he took everything and I am unemployed, please help let me win the lottery!”

2 months later, after putting the kids to bed again, the lady asks god for help again

“De...

If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to share it with everyone.

Not the money, just going to let you know that I've won.

A man prayed to God his entire life to win the lottery.

A man prayed to God every day for 65 years. He prayed in the morning, at lunchtime, in the evening and just before he went to sleep.

The man passed away and went to heaven. The man was rather upset with the Lord and sought him out.

When the man found the Lord, he said "I've been prayi...

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

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"Pack your bags, honey" a man says to his wife, "I've just won the lottery"

"Oh, how exciting" she says, "Should I pack for cold weather, or hot weather?

"I don't give a shit, as long as you're out of here by this evening."

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I keep thinking about doing the lottery...

But I don't think I'd have the balls to win it.

An extremely devout man prays to win the lottery

Every morning, meal, and night a devout man prays to win the lottery in order to spread the blessing to the people he knows are in desperate need of help. After years of repeating his prayer he finally passes and is allowed to ask God 1 question.

He faces god and says lord I've lived my life ...

What's better than winning the lottery?

Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

Why did the paintbrush win the lottery?

Just a stroke of good luck I suppose.

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Winning the lottery 2.

A man says to his wife. "Honey I won money in the lottery". The wife quickly says. "I want 50% of it and I want to divorce you". The man looks at her surprised and says. "Good, here is your $7.50 and get the fuck out of here".

A man wins the lottery...

[*I heard this joke for the first time as a 13 year old at a family party. So imagine my mild mannered German 70 year old great uncle calmly telling this joke to the whole table. I had never heard him tell a joke before. It's still one of my favourite jokes*]

A man wins the lottery after year...

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and...

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So dude wins the lottery...

...comes home. Bursts through the front door beaming!

"Honey! Pack your bags! I hit the jackpot! 323 MILLION DOLLARS!", he exclaims!

His wife begins reeling from the information. Almost fainting she says, "We won the lottery?! Oh my goodness, dear! Where should I pack for? The tr...

Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery.

Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery.

The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord!

The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery!

Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, ...

A man wins the lottery

He bursts into his bedroom and screams to his wife “WOW, I won! I finally won the lottery! Pack your bags quick”. The woman all excited replied “should I pack for cold or hot weather?” To which the man said “I don’t care as long as you are out of my house by noon”

Saul and The Lottery

Saul was a devoutly religious man who was alway trying to do good for others. He also wanted very little in return. In fact, throughout his entire adult life he only prayed for one thing: he wanted to win the lottery. Day after day he would perform these acts of kindness without looking for recip...

I recently won the lottery

My dad burst through the door, exclaiming, “I got the milk!”

Why do pirates like to play the lottery so much?

They really love ArrrrNG!

A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery

The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"

The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."

With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"

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A local man wins the lottery.

After he’s cashed in his winnings he’s overwhelmed with joy, gratitude, and serenity. He wants to give back to his community and he thinks that everyone should get in on the feels. He decides to throw a grand party at his new mansion where anyone in town can come to eat and drink for free as long as...

Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery?

...when he found out, the guy went nut.

A man keeps praying to God to please let him win the lottery...

He prays every day for years... and years... and years!! He even got his church to pray for him with diligent prayer warriors.

One day he angrily shouts at God, “why won’t you hear my effing prayer..!!???”

God answers, “why don’t you go buy an effing ticket..??!!”

My wife and her boss won the lottery..

Me: Honey I see you got a new gucci bag, where'd you get it?

Wife: My boss and I bought a lottery ticket together and won! I bought the bag with my half of the winnings

*next day wife comes home with new ring

Me: that's a great new ring you have on today. Where did you get this...

An old Irish woman wins the lottery...

...and decides to to indulge herself with a milk bath, so she calls her local dairyman.
“I’d like to order meself some milk”
“How much will ye be needing?”
“I suppose, I’ll need enough to fill me bath tub.”
“Shouldn’t be more than 200 liters I’d guess.”
“My word! That’s more than I th...

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After my german friend won the lottery, he became an asshole.

Money changed Hans.

A reporter asked a man how he felt when he found out that he won the lottery.

"As soon I saw the numbers line up, I knew it was going to be wife changing."

I always wanted to won the lottery, like my father.

-Your father won the lottery?

-No, but he wanted too.

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A man comes home and tells his girlfriend he won the lottery.

He says "It's time to celebrate! Start packing!"

She says "Wow! But how should I pack? For the beach? For a ski resort?"

He says "I don't care how you pack. Just get the fuck out!"

An old couple won the lottery...

An old man and his wife; simple, salt of the earth folk, who never lived beyond their means, won the lottery.

Not wanting to lose their way with this sudden windfall, they decided to keep humble.

But as time went on, the husband wanted to treat his wife to expensive things - the thin...

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An old man wins the lottery.

He goes to his synagogue, walks up to his rabbi and says "I want to donate 10 million dollars to the synagogue on one condition." the rabbi's eyes start to sparkle and he replies "Of course sir, whatever you wish we will do." The old man states "I want you to erect a statue of Adolf Hitler in your c...

People who won the lottery, where do you live?

* asking for a friend... best friend.... family almost

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The Lottery Winner

So I had sex with a millionaire a few months ago. She actually won the money from a scratch off. Now there’s something that money does to people in bed that you wouldn’t expect, they get rougher. Maybe they figure “if I kill the guy I can just pay his family off”. But no she got very rough. She kept...

I just won $1,000,000 from the lottery and I'm donating a quarter to charity!

Not sure what I'm going to do with the left over $999,999.75 though.

A Man Wins the Lottery

A man wins the lottery and calls his wife.

“Honey, I have good news and bad news.”

The wife, having no idea of what could be going on says, “Combine them.”

The man thinks for a second and says, “My new wife and I just won the lottery!”

A guy wins the lottery...

...and comes home to his wife. "Honey! I just won the lottery! Quick, pack your bags!" His wife is totally shocked and flustered. She asks "Well where are we going? To the Caribbean? Are we going skiing? I need to know what to pack?" The guy responds... "I don't care what you pack. Just get the hell...

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Maury wants to win the lottery

Each night before bed, Maury, a very pious jewish man, would kneel by his bed and pray to the Lord. "Lord, please let me win the lottery." Night after night he knelt, prayed to the lord, with no results the following day. Years went by, decades passed, each night the same prayer to God, "Lord, ple...

If I win the lottery, I'm going to give all the money to charity.

After all, she's my favourite dancer down at the Jiggly Hut.

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Two Jewish boys were in a concentration camp together...

During their time there they became like brothers and when the war ended, they decided that they should live together as such. Many years go by until one of them wins the lottery.

"I can't believe you won the lottery! What are you going to do with all that money?"

"First, I'll buy us a...

Jacob and the Lottery

Jacob is a well to do Jewish man with a beautiful wife and 3 children. He owns a start-up business that has been doing quite well recently.
However, his business suddenly goes bankrupt and Jacob goes to God for help.

Jacob kneels at the altar and says: "Lord I have always been faithful and...

I use to buy the lottery.

I use to do the lottery but then i heard the chances of getting hit by a car on the way to buy it are higher than the chances of winning. I don't know it that's true but it was enough for me to stop.

Now i send my mum to buy it.

A man wins the lottery...

A man wins a substantial amount of money on the lottery and tells his girlfriend "I've just won the lottery! Quickly, pack your things!"

"Oh my god, oh my god!! Where are we going?!" she exclaims.

The man replies, "Who said I was going anywhere?"

So, I hit the lottery for two million dollars.....

The first thing I did was to call my wife. I tell her I hit the lottery for two million dollars, pack your bags. She asks me "should I pack for cold weather or warm".
I told her that I didn't care, just be out by the time I get home.

Capitalism is like the lottery.

Every body believe they will win, but only few do.

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A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,

"I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the wi...

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A man wins the lottery

A man has won the lottery and is driving home fast. He swerves into he driveway, leaving the car door open. Run and bursts through the front door. He yells, " Honey, pack you things, I just won the lottery." She becomes flustered and excited, unsure what to do. She says, "Is it going to be some plac...

In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "Hell, anybody can win the lottery."

My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"

I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."

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Getting an AMBER Alert while on the toilet is like winning the lottery...

Since those things are designed to randomly scare the shit out of you.

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

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What has six balls and screws everybody?

The lottery.

A law student won the lottery.

His friend congratulated him and asked, "what will you do with the money?"

To which he answered, "Pay off my debts."

"And the rest of it?" his friend asked.

"The rest of them will have to wait."

The Lottery

There once was an old man who used to buy the lottery every single day for his whole life, and never won. One day, he had a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital; before he could see the winning lotto numbers on TV. His wife saw the numbers, and realized that he had just won the MegaMillions. ...

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I feel about sex the same way I feel about winning the lottery

Some thing good that happens to other people

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Bob wins the lottery.

Bob: Pack your bags Doris, I've won the lottery.

Doris: But where are we going? what shall I pack? T-shirts and bikinis for some place hot, or boots and woolies for some place cold?

Bob: Just pack 'em and fuck off.

A guy prays to god.”please let me win the lottery”.

Nothing happens and the next week he prays again “I really need the money, please let me win the lottery”.

Another week passes and still nothing so he goes to the top of a mountain and screams out “if I don’t win the lottery, I’m going to jump!”. And then he hears a booming voice...

“...

What do Soviet Russia and the Lottery have in common?

You don’t play the game,

The game plays you.

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An old man wins the lottery and walks into the bank

When he gets to speak to a loan officer he says “Gimme a loan for a million fucking dollars!”

The loan officer replies “Sir! There’s no need to speak to me that way!”

“Lady, fuck your feelings! I want a goddamn loan for a million fucking dollars and I want it lickety fucking split!”...

Everyday I spend with my husband feels like I've won the lottery

Because I married for money

It irritates me that I never win the lottery

Maybe I should start buying lottery tickets.

What would you do if you won the lottery?

Two friends meet together and one asks:

What would you do if you won the lottery?

-I would build a brothel!

Oh, and if it went wrong and you loose money?

-I'd open it to the public

There was an evangelical who played the lottery for decades...

Every week he’d play the lottery and get very upset when he lost. His wife found out that he won and was worried it would give him a heart attack. She goes to the pastor and asks him to break it easy.

The pastor invites the man for coffee. The two are talking for a while and eventually the ...

Someone told me Im more likely to die from a lightning strike while on the way to buying a lottery ticket than actually winning the lottery.

Either way I hit the jackpot.

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[Offensive] One from the pub again: an old Jewish man wins the lottery...

It's a big old lottery, and he has to go up on stage to accept it.

His speech? He thanks his mum, his dad, his family, and then Hitler.

Everyone's all riled up. They ask: why Hitler?

He rolls up his sleeve, flips his arm over, and tells the crowd: "Well, he gave me the number...

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