UPJOKE
wardrobearmoireclothespressgarmentraimentrobeattirehangercabinetclosetlinen closettransgenderlgbtdressersuitcase

The Closet Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

Where did the guinea pig end up when it came out of the closet?

Gnawnia

What did the janitor yell when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

My wife was cleaning the closet last week

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing, I think I should donate them

Me: Just throw them in trash, that's much easier

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes

Me: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

BANG@#$%^&a...

A husband walks into his bedroom to find his wife pulling all her clothes out of the closet.

"What's going on here?"

The wife replies that she's just looking for stuff to donate.

"Why don't you just throw them out?" The husband asks.

"Dear! There are so many unfortunate people who could use these clothes!"

The husband replies without missing a beat, "Honey, I kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having no luck with the opposite sex! I am finally out of the closet...and now am...

'Buy'sexual.

worst part of childhood is monsters in the closet/under the bed

worst part of adulthood is realizing they were living there rent-free and you missed your chance to charge them

I asked my dyslexic friend if his brother has come out of the closet yet, and apparently he has

He texted me he's in daniel.

Two brooms were hanging in the closet . . .

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other was the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome a...

My wife said to come out of the closet already...

I said stop buying so many cute dresses then.

Today I came out of the closet to my girlfriend

She just screamed "WHO ARE YOU" and called the police

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the ba...

I came out of the closet to my boss and was fired on the spot

He’s still asking how I got in his closet

A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside

So she called a carpenter to check it out.

The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.

So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making ...

My son came out of the closet today

I swear his body keeps falling out I knew I should have brought a better lock

my brother just came out of the closet

I still don’t understand how he untied himself?

My 8-year-old’s newest joke: What did the one-legged man with OCD say when he opened the closet?

“Hi, jean!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

What do you call a dead blonde in the closet?

Last year's Hide and Go Seek winner.

I forgot one of my daughter's birthday presents in the closet....

After six weeks, that pony really began to reek....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If gays come out of the closet, where do straights come out of?

Compton

A man went to jury duty. During a break in deliberations he and a female juror he had been flirting with snuck into the coat closet and she started giving him head. Someone knocked on the door, startling him, and he knocked himself out cold on the closet shelf.

When the jury filed back into the courtroom, the judge noticed one was missing. “What happened to my 12th juror?”
The jury foreman replied, “Head in-jury your honor, but I hear he just came to.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a chemist say when he comes out of the closet for being bisexual?

Iodine, Americium, Bismuth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found some BDSM porn DVDs

Needless to say she was very upset. She took it all and waited until his father came home and showed it all to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. 

She finally asked him, " What should we do about this?" 

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got ridiculed, insulted, and thrown out for coming out of the closet.

That’s the last time I masturbate at IKEA.

Someone broke into my house so I hid in the closet with my phone, but I forgot to set it to silent...

Luckily when I got a text I managed to fake cough over it so he wouldn't hear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience.

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense

Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the homosexual come out of the closet?

He found his shirt.

It only takes about 5 seconds to find a shirt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally came out of the closet today

It took me forever to find the doorknob

My dad would lock us on the closet for hours at a time.

He told us it was elevator training. Today, I was in an elevator, I nailed it!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't take your shoes out of the closet

that's gay

Why did the lion get into the closet?

NARNIA BUSINESS!

What was the excuse the closeted necrophiliac gave his girlfriend for missing dinner?

"Was out having a cold one with the boys"

Two newfies are robbing a house

Two newfies (guys from Newfoundland) are robbing a house.

One of them is upstairs, and after dropping a big lamp, he hears the home's owner get up to investigate the noise. As he gets close, the robber goes "Miiaaowwww" imitating a cat, then he hears the guy grubling "God damn it, stupid cat"...

A woman finds 7000 dollars and 4 eggs hidden in the closet..

.. and she instantly goes after her husband to ask him what the hell is that doing there. The husband explains it:

"Well, honey, everytime you annoy me, I put an egg there."

"And what about the 7000 dollars?"

"That's because everytime I complete a dozen eggs, I sell them."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother recently came out of the closet.

I had been raised side by side with this man for my entire life. The whole experience has really opened up my eyes and made me reevaluate my views on homosexuality. Maybe I DO hate the gays...

Coming out of the closet would be a lot easier...

if my wardrobe wasn't so fabulous!

I came out of the closet after 10 years of hiding!

It was a very long game of hide and seek. :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my Spanish friend how her sex life’s been since she came out of the closet.

She says it’s less bien.

After a long struggle, my uncle finally came out of the closet.

He has Alzheimer’s, and thought it was his truck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do I keep her awake?

A man went into work one day and asked his best friend for advice on a “personal matter.”

“Every time me and my wife are 69ing; she always tends to fall asleep. Do you have any ideas how I can stop this from happening?”

His friend surprised says “I used to have the exact same problem!...

Hillary Clinton comes home one day and finds Bill putting a large box back into the closet...

...she asks him what it's for and he responds, "Don't worry honey. Just forget about it." She does until a few weeks later when her curiosity peaks. She looks in the box and finds $80,000 and 2 soda cans.

When bill gets home she asks him about the box and why there's $80,000 and soda cans i...

When's the best time to come out of the closet?

When the coast is queer.

What's another name for skeletons in the closet?

Hide and seek champions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My vegetarian friend came out of the closet yesterday

He said he is a hommusexual

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the movie, the closeted gay

It hasn't come out yet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman cheats on her husband

A woman is cheating on her husband and her husband comes home early. In a panic her lover hides in the closet. While hiding in the closet he hears a voice "Sure is dark in here."

The man panics and turns and finds a little boy. "What're you doing in here?"

"I like hiding, what were you...

A woman was cheating on her husband. Her husband came home early.

Her paramour had to quickly hide in the closet. When the husband and wife leave the bedroom together, the paramour thinks he's gotten away with it, but then he hears:

"Blimey, ain't it dark in here!"

( This happened to be in England. )

He realizes that their kid is also hiding i...

My 3-Year old son just found out how to open the closet door...

Looks like I'll have to lock him up somewhere else.

I thought nothing could be more embarrassing than finding my dad's playboys in the closet.

Until one of them tried to shake my hand.

A handy man in the closet

My grandma just sent me this joke in the form of a video and I wanted to share it with you guys.

A couple lives nearby some train tracks and it makes a thundering noise when it passes. The lady and her husband learned to sleep with ear covers and all that and made the best of the situation s...

My friends keep telling me I'm in the closet.

I just tell them it's Narnia business.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

The first thing out of my mouth when I was very abruptly and rudely woken up by my neighbor blaring "Trapped in the Closet"...

"Ugh, that's the second worse way to be woken up by R-Kelly!"

Was surprised when my son came out the closet yesterday...

I didn't think he could break through that lock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is having an affair...

... with a man.

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what they do.Surprisingly, the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet without realizing that her son is already in there.

Son: " Kinda dark in here."Man: "Yes."Son: "I have a baseball."Man:...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.