UPJOKE
daydaytimethursdayfridaymorrowyesterdaycircadiandslgoodishweektuesdaysedcaregiverweekdaybetter

Sunny Day Jokes

I want to speak to President Trump

One sunny day in late January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.  He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir,...

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've read that excessive sex causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

One sunny day, Jesus, Moses and a small elderly man were playing golf.

Jesus was the first to tee off. He hit the ball a little to the left, and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus his ball floated, and when he got down to the hazard, he walked upon the water and hit the ball into the green.

Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus, he too...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sunny day the other day and my girlfriend said “can you pull the blind?”

I said “yeah, easy, just put on a sexy voice and be nice to their dogs”

My neighbour always seems to hang up his laundry on sunny days, but never on rainy days.

One day I decided to ask him how he always knew which days to hang his laundry.

"Well," he explained, "if I wake up and my wife is lying on her side, I know it's going to rain and I shouldn't hang my laundry. If I wake up and she's lying on her front, I know it's not going to rain and I shoul...

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub,

drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second ...

Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days ?

Dunno, they just seem a bit shady

Sunny day with my gf.

I ask honey if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

She is right, I kill the son of b* in one shot.

I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

Google Weather reported today is a cloudy day. But it is a clear sunny day.

Something must have happened to Google clouds.

What's the best beer for drinking on a sunny day?

Natural Light.

I told my wife when I first met her that I play a LOT of golf

I told her …

If it’s a beautiful sunny day I’m gonna play golf

If it’s windy I’ll play golf

If it’s rainy I’ll play golf

If we’re in a minor car accident, I’ll drop her off at the hospital and go play golf…

She said she’s a hooker…

I said you’re probably ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Horse and chicken are hanging in farmer Brown's yard.

Horse laid down in great big mud puddle to cool off. He took a nap and when he woke, he was sunk to his haunches and couldn't get up.

"He-e-e-lp me chicken! I'm stuck! Go get farmer brown to pull me out with the tractor."

《Buak》" can't do it. Farmer brown's out plowing the back 40. I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One sunny day in Auschwitz

One sunny day in Auschwitz Hitler was standing in front of a big pit.
Nervously, in line in front of him, few hundred jews were standing.
Hitler would call one by one, and give orders to them...

Feet together, spread your arms in 90° angle...

As soon as he complied Hitler p...

I was driving with my daughter on a beautiful sunny day this winter and I said, "I can't believe how poor the visibility is."

She said, "What do you mean? It's perfectly clear." Pointing down I said, "I can only see four feet in front of us."

A piece of string was walking down the street…

It was hot and he saw a bar. He walked into the bar and asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender looked at him and said, I do not serve string in here. The piece of string left dejected.

The next day the same piece of string on the same street with the same sort of hot sunny day was st...

Father's day in the forest

Two middle aged trees, a beech and a birch, are standing in the forest one sunny day and spot a sapling off in the distance growing strong. They start arguing about whose son it must be. Hearing the commotion, a woodpecker flies over and after learning what they are arguing about agrees to investi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

facts

did you know that having too much sex could cause memory loss ?

i remember reading that on the 23 of november 2001 at 9:1:02 am page 36 line 9/11

it wasn't a sunny day in fact it was very cloudy

very...cloudy....

A drummer was standing outside of his car panicking because he accidentally locked his keys inside it.

It was a very hot sunny day and the bassist was still inside the car.

A perfect man and a perfect woman are going on a vacation on a perfect sunny day.

On the way, out in the open miles away from anywhere, they see Santa Clause with his thumb out on the side of the road, stranded.

Being the perfect couple they are, and the person in question being jolly ole’ saint nick himself, they offer him a ride and go on their jolly way until the driver...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

DIARY of a POMMIE EXPAT in AUSTRALIA

August 31

Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally...

The Rabbit's Thesis

Story :

Scene: It's a fine, sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"

Rabbit:"My thesis."

Fox:"Hmm. What is it about?"

Rabbit:"Oh, I'm wri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to catch a fish

Another joke that i heard in Hindi many years ago. Trying to translate in English.

On a sunny day, a man was sitting by a river with his fishing hook in the water hoping to catch a fish. He was unsuccessful, so he goes the next day and the day after and continuously for several days with no ...

Three elderly ladies sitting on a park bench

Three very old ladies were sitting on a park bench together on a lovely sunny day when a flasher stopped at the end of their bench, faced them and exposed himself!

Well the old lady closest to him took a look and immediately had a stroke! Then the lady in the middle of the bench also looked t...

A man is in love with a woman who shares the same birthday with him (July 22)

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birds

Mr & Mrs Smith move into semi detached house in country sided. Next door is a widow and her daughter.
One sunny day Mrs Smith invites the pair round for tea.
I am sorry my husband is not here but he is out with his hobby.
"What's that" asks widow , "he's into ornithology" said Mrs Smith...

So it turns out there were these two cats

So it turns out there were these two cats, an English cat called One-Two-Three and a French cat called Un-Deux-Trois. One sunny day in Dover the two cats happened to meet and soon discovered that they had very similar names.

Being cats, they had to determine which was the better cat. They dec...

Little Timmy saw his dad drive by...

It's a sunny day, and little Timmy was outside playing by himself, when he saw his dad drive by with Aunt Karen in the passenger seat. They drive off into the woods nearby, and little Timmy runs after them to see what's going on. Upon learning what it is dad and Aunt Karen is doing out in the woods ...

The Ice Cream Truck

On a hot sunny day, the ice cream truck was driving slowly until the driver saw a woman chasing frantically down the sidewalk, screaming "Hey, Wait!"

He stops, parks and opens the window, with a smile.

"What'll it be lady?"

She tries to catch her breath, but she manages to tell ...

A colonial man is walking through town

A colonial man is walking through town on a very clear and sunny day. Just as he approached the town center he starts falling until he is suddenly stunned by ice cold water. When asked by the town reporter what had happed the man said simply that he couldn’t see that well

Mad cows

Two cows are standing in a field on a sunny day. The grass sways in waves from the summer breeze; a bumblebee slowly meanders across the meadow. One cow turns to the other.
Cow one: you know, I’m really struggling. I simply can’t shake this anxiety.
Cow two: (looking at his companion with a l...

Bulls on a Parade

On a hot sunny day, I went to a record store. A song was playing on the speakers. Angrily, I picked up a hammer and started banging the speaker system.
The confused owner asked, "What is this?"
I said, "Rage Against the Machine."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny in creative writing

The teacher start creative writing class by saying, "Today I want you to write a sentence that uses the word 'beautiful' twice".

Susie goes first: "My mom bought me a beautiful dress and I look beautiful in it."

Next, the teacher calls on Mary: "Today is a beautiful sunny day, helping...

The bunny jogging

A bunny is running through the forest and he meets a hedgehog, who's smoking a joint, so the bunny says:

"Hedgehog noo, don't do it, drugs are dangerous, come to run with me in the forest!"

The hedgehog convinced by the bunny runs with him.
They run and they meet a bluetit w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite Pirate joke my dad always tells

A young pirate is talking to an older pirate and he says, "wow how did you lose your hand?" pointing at the pirates hook.

"Arrr me young lad twas fighting off some scurvy attackers trying to take me ship and in the sword fight I got me hand cut off."


"Well how did you lose your leg...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

A young man, down on his luck, was hitch-hiking through New England. A well-dressed man driving a Lincoln pulled up, lowered the passenger side window, and asked, “Do you vote Republican or Democrat?”

“Democrat,” said the hitch-hiker. And the Lincoln sped off in a cloud of dust.

The ne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was eating a bright, red apple.

It was on a warm, sunny day that the most peculiar of things occurred. A man, was happily snacking on a bright, red apple when, too lazy to walk to a trash can, he threw it out the window. A seemingly non-problematic apple would have been ignored under any other circumstances, but the man lived on t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple was driving... (Nsfw)

A couple was driving through rural California on a very sunny day when they stopped at a rest stop.

They see a man, naked with a full erect penis.

The couple asks him, "what are you doing?"

The naked man responds, while pointing at the sun "Checking the time."

They get ba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't give a sh*t.

One time, on a beautiful sunny day, three good friends made a deal to not give a shit about anything anymore.
After some time of walking behind eachother, one guy notices a 100 dollar bill, stops above it, and thinks whether to pick it up or not.
Then he says quietly:
"Aaah, fuck it, i do...

A polar bear brings his car in to the mechanic

Mechanic tells him that it will be a few hours so the polar bear goes over to the supermarket and buys a bucket of vanilla ice cream. It's a hot sunny day and he goes over to the park bench to eat it. Then he wanders back to the garage. "Looks like you blew a seal," the mechanic says. "Oh no," the p...

Guy runs into a bar

Guy runs into a bar around noon on a sunny day. He barrels his way towards the bar where no one but the bartender is around and says “quick, give me ten shots of your best whiskey!” Without skipping a beat, the bartender sets him with all ten shots lined up on the bar, and the guy hits them one afte...

A shepherd and his dog

In a sunny day in the fields, there is a shepherd and his dog herding their sheep's.

The shepherd asked his dog to round up the sheep to the fields. The dog went out and started herding the sheep's to the field.

After a while the dog returned and told the shepherd that he already rou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grand pa needs explanation.....[NSFW]

One sunny day grand pa was masterbeting in his room. Suddenly little Johnny entered the room and asks his GPa what is this?
GPa gives his dick to little johnny and tells him its a bird, and if you pat him like this he will be happy.
johnny starts patting it nicely and asks what these?.....Gp...

The Toastmaster

Once upon a time in a small village there lived a toastmaster. One sunny day, two young villagers decided to get married and the whole village invited the toastmaster to the wedding. The toastmaster gave a flamboyant speech and suddenly discovered he really needed to pass gas. The reception were to ...

Man playing golf

A man was playing golf on a bright sunny day, he could see the hole in front of him and he decides to take a swing.

Unfortunately he misses and the ball lands in a bush so he decides to run over to find it. Whilst looking for the ball he finds a golden lamp, he notices that it is quite dirty...

A guy goes to his local golf course...

The club pro asks him if he wants to try out one of their experimental new robot caddies...on the house.

"Sure, why not?" the man says.

He returns after playing 18 holes and raves to the club pro about the caddy. The robot gave him swing tips throughout the round and always chose the ...

A Family Dies in a Car Crash

The only survivor is their pet monkey. The police comes to find out what happened and as it was a dry, sunny day with no hindrances to explain the crash, they begin to interrogate the monkey.

"So, what was the boy in the back doing?" and the monkey imitates punching. "Okay, so he was hitting ...

Big Chief No Fart

In an ancient Indian village lived a mighty old chief. He was a gigantic man, known everywhere for his lack of the ability to fart. One day this chief rounded up all of his advisors to discuss the matter. At the meeting, one of the elder advisors said he had heard of a great medicine man who lived m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Newfie goes to a bar.

One sunny day, a Newfie was walking his dog down the street, when he noticed a bar along the way. He wanted to grab a nice cold beer, so he tied his dog's leash to a nearby tree, in the shade where it's cool. As the Newfie sits down at the bar and orders a beer, a police man walks in, and asks every...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were three friends: Shit, Shut-Up and Manners...

One sunny day, Shit was watering his garden when he tripped on his hose and fell into his garbage bin. Now he was quite stuck so he called his friend Manners who lived down the road, just around the corner. Upon arriving, Manners realised he would need some help to get Shit unstuck so he called his ...

Learned this when I was eight, still one of my favorites.

A blonde a brunette and a redhead are walking along a fence on a beautiful sunny day. They are walking through some tall grass when the redhead finds a baseball sized rock.

"what should I do with this rock?" the redhead asks the other two.

"Throw it over the fence" they both reply. <...

Three men out golfing....

Three men were out golfing one sunny day. They were just about done with hole 8, when they heard a young lady calling from the green on hole 9. They all walked over there, and asked the young lady what she needed. She said, "Well, I came out to the golf course today hoping to beat my last score. If ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pink Clouds

Every time I this joke, I always tell it replacing the "Guy 1," "Guy 2," etc. with friends' names. It's much funnier that way, but tell it however you wish. That's the great thing about it; you can change it to fit whoever you're telling it to, doesn't have to be about a pub. I once told it where my...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heavenly confusion

One beautiful sunny day in Heaven, St Peter the gatekeeper, the bouncer of heaven; is mildly surprised to see 3 men pop up before him at the very same time.

St Peter pulls out his notebook that contains all the names of of people allowed in, and says:

"OK, since you cant bring earthly ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.