Stationary Jokes

The ruler

luckily it wasn't carrying any scissors

But rulers are where I draw the line

The envelope.

Nothing. They're both exhausted.

Police say they can’t rule anything out.

It moved.

The driver gave me a couple of sketch pads and some really cool pens to apologise.

Stationary.

Suddenly I had an urge to let out a lot of gas. Thankfully the store was playing rock music very loudly. So I timed my farts according to the beat of the music. There was no way anyone could have heard me.
When I was done, I looked around and saw all the customers heads were turned to me.
... read more

His plans were foiled.

In the middle of the night, the hotel catches fire. The engineer wakes up, sees the fire in his room, turns on every faucet in his room to flood the place. He says to himself, "ok I've put out the fire," and he goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up and sees the fire. He makes some assumpti... read more

I suppose you could say it wasn’t stationary anymore

I don't know. But it's certainly not stationary.

"My life is going nowhere."

...Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."

Newton replies "Interesting. Well, do go on."

Einstein ex... read more

It wrote "sorry, I'm stationary"

Oh how she loved riding stationary bikes together...

We broke up because we couldn’t see ourselves getting anywhere.

What do you call paper figures that sit on top of your desk?



Stationary art

Stationary Store Moves

Two word joke

Dwarf Shortage

Credit - Jimmy Carr

Because it was stationary.

I told her no... All of our boxes are still. That's why we purchased them from a stationary store.

Because they are stationary.

..is it still stationary?

in a stationary store.

He said, "No, they're all stationary."

Because they're stationary

Some say he is still stationary today.

Stayed stationary.

I couldn't budge it. For such a small box it was unbelievably heavy.

Then it dawned on me - it was stationary.

Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter. He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, "Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and... read more

Stationary.

Credit: u/Breeze_In_ The _ Trees

They're stationary.

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.... read more

Coworker tells me he has been going to the gym lately. Said last night he did 30 minutes on the stationary bike. I told him that's never gonna get you anywhere.

On a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely
walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and ... read more

The scientist rubs the lamp and sure enough a genie pops out! "Thank you for releasing me!" said the genie, "You can have anything you like, providing you do one days work of a different profession. You may choose what you want to do." The scientist goes first, "Well I've always thought that being a... read more

...when they got pulled over for speeding. However, when the police officer tried to ask them how fast they were going, he couldn't get a straight answer, and the group was so rowdy that they had to be brought in for questioning.

So all 7 of them are taken to the police station, and individua... read more

For a long time now, I've had an obsession with tractors. When I was little, all I asked for for my birthday was tractor related stuff. I had tractor toys, tractor stationary, tractor bags.

When I was 17, my parents bought me my very first tractor. It was a bit rusty, but I was just elated ... read more

They have access to painting, exercise, a small library, cooking, all sorts of stuff.

When they paint, they are often instructed to paint their mood, or something they would like to see or do when they are released. Some paint melancholy things, dark with depressive imagery and muted colors. ... read more