I was hit by a stationary vehicle the other day,

luckily it wasn't carrying any scissors

What remains stationary no matter how hard you push?

The envelope.

I like jokes about stationary..

But rulers are where I draw the line

What do you call the king of stationary

The ruler

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in my local newsagents this morning. I asked the pretty young girl behind the counter, "Do you keep stationary?" Left me red faced when she replied,

"Only to begin with, then I go like a fucking rabbit"

I was just knocked off my bike by a stationary truck.

The driver gave me a couple of sketch pads and some really cool pens to apologise.

Did you hear about the magic stationary shop?

It moved.

I always used to go to the gym with my ex

Oh how she loved riding stationary bikes together...

We broke up because we couldn’t see ourselves getting anywhere.

A quote from the guy who invented the stationary exercise bike...

"My life is going nowhere."

Origami

What do you call paper figures that sit on top of your desk?



Stationary art

A Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off....

I asked my pen why it never moves.

It wrote "sorry, I'm stationary"

Three word joke

Stationary Store Moves

Two word joke

Dwarf Shortage

Credit - Jimmy Carr

Why can't toys made from paper move

Because they are stationary.

If you roll a pencil down a hill..

..is it still stationary?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Favourite one-liner?

"stationary shop moves" - Jimmy Carr

**Another favourite -** "I keep my porno tapes in my sock drawer, it's all you need in one place" - Jason Manford

Why did the paper lose the race against the rock?

Because it was stationary.

I asked the guy in the shoe shop if they sold any running shoes.

He said, "No, they're all stationary."

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be

in a stationary store.

Three men approached the gate to heaven.....

Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter. He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, "Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and...

Einstein and Newton are in a bar...

...Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."

Newton replies "Interesting. Well, do go on."

Einstein ex...

Why don't pens and pencils walk around?

Because they're stationary

There is a box in the office closet with a ton of envelopes. It's blocking the door from opening all the way. I asked the manager to get it out of the way and he scoffed "yeah right - you try it"....

I couldn't budge it. For such a small box it was unbelievably heavy.

Then it dawned on me - it was stationary.

My wife just emailed me asking if we had any moving boxes

I told her no... All of our boxes are still. That's why we purchased them from a stationary store.

A man walked into an office supply shop a year ago, laid down and said he is a pencil and will never leave.

Some say he is still stationary today.

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Werner Heisenberg, Georg Ohm, Galileo Galilei, Max Planck, and Louis de Broglie were carpooling to work...

...when they got pulled over for speeding. However, when the police officer tried to ask them how fast they were going, he couldn't get a straight answer, and the group was so rowdy that they had to be brought in for questioning.

So all 7 of them are taken to the police station, and individua...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Names
===========
If Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice.
If Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out
===========...

Told this to my coworker today

Coworker tells me he has been going to the gym lately. Said last night he did 30 minutes on the stationary bike. I told him that's never gonna get you anywhere.

I made a car entirely out of pencils, rubbers, rulers and notebooks. Went to turn the key..

Stayed stationary.

I was so surprised

when I found out the stationary store moved.

Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading....

Tractors

For a long time now, I've had an obsession with tractors. When I was little, all I asked for for my birthday was tractor related stuff. I had tractor toys, tractor stationary, tractor bags.

When I was 17, my parents bought me my very first tractor. It was a bit rusty, but I was just elated ...

A mental health facility offers supervised hobbies for its patients.

They have access to painting, exercise, a small library, cooking, all sorts of stuff.

When they paint, they are often instructed to paint their mood, or something they would like to see or do when they are released. Some paint melancholy things, dark with depressive imagery and muted colors. ...

Once you throw a paper airplane it's no longer.....

Stationary.

Credit: u/Breeze_In_ The _ Trees

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is driving through the desert in a convertible with his girlfriend...

She says, " Drive fast, speed turns me on. I'll get undressed more the faster you drive."
He accelerates to 65 mph, she takes off her jeans.
"Ohh, yeah, go faster!"
He gets up to 80 mph, she takes off her shirt. She's just in her bra and thong.
"Baby, you know how to make a girl horny!...

A scientist, a doctor and a janitor discover an old lamp...

The scientist rubs the lamp and sure enough a genie pops out! "Thank you for releasing me!" said the genie, "You can have anything you like, providing you do one days work of a different profession. You may choose what you want to do." The scientist goes first, "Well I've always thought that being a...

I was instructed to relocate all these boxes of letterhead. But I can't...

They're stationary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man hears a loud, rhythmic thumping on his walk home...

He turns around to see what is causing the commotion, and the sound immediately stops. Seeing nothing but a large casket, and rather confused, he continues on his way home.
Though he is sure there is nothing causing the racket, he is convinced he is still hearing the noise. The man cleans his ear...

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