Startled Jokes - 87 Hilarious Startled Jokes

What did Wendy do when Captain Hook startled her?

Peter pans

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

Last night I woke up, startled, to a female’s voice coming from my desktop. “Hello,” it said, “It’s me.”

Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell.

I was startled when I realised...

That every time a man got in to my car, by the time they got out, they had all turned in to women.

It turns out I kept leaving the de-mister on.

I got startled by my timer going off.

It was alarming.

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

A researcher is startled to find that 90% of the internet is bots

When confronted that this was realistically impossible, he exclaimed “But all they do is quote movies, books, and shows, and EACH OTHER! No human could possibly be this unoriginal!”

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop on a horse is talking to a little a bike...

The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"

"Yes" the little girl replies

"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her £5

The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse

"He sure did" replied the cop, la...

Why were 7 and 8 startled when 10 walked into the room?

Because they were in the middle of 6 9.

Why was the pharaoh startled by his wife's loud fart?

It was a toot uncommon to him.

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

An chinese dad sees his newborn child and is startled when he realises the kid is clearly white.

He runs to the doctor and asks:

"Doctor, is it even medically possible for me and my wife - both chinese - to have a caucasian-looking baby?"

The doctor, turns to him, thinks for a bit, and replies:

"No. Two Wongs don't make a white."

My 90yr old Grandfather got startled by my automatic vacuum, and smashed it.

KO Roomba

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am Pierre

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She didn't realize tapping him on the shoulder would make him do this.

A lady in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question. She gently tapped his shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab and nearly hit a bus. He drove over the curb, almost going through a shop window.

For a few moments the inside of the cab was ...

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex tried to embarrass me by telling her friends I have a small

She was startled to find out that they all disagreed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bar...

A man was in a horrific car accident and rushed to the hospital. A few days later, he woke up startled and yelled, “Doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, “I’m sorry, but we had to amputate your arms.”

A little boy goes up to his pregnant mum, points at her fat belly and says, what’s that?

She says… (a bit startled…) erm… that’s a baby your daddy gave me that…

So the little boy walks off to find his dad with a confused look on his face…

“daddy did you give mummy a baby ?”

“yeh I did son, that’s right why do you ask…?”

“well don’t give her another, she ate ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was Jim's birthday, and he was considered to be an "old man" by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim's friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a .

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door.
When Jim answered, she said "Hi I'm your birthday present!"
Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?"
"I'm yours for super ," she answers.
So Jim replied "Well, I'm 75 years old so I...

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.

The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:

"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.

The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The custome...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two elderly Jewish strangers are standing at adjacent urinals

In a kosher deli in Miami Beach.
Abe: "You're from Brooklyn, aren't you?"

Eli (startled and puzzled) "Yes, but how..."
Abe: "And you attended Temple Beth Shalom, right?"

Eli: "That's remarkable!"

Abe: "And you were circumcised by Rabbi Boronofski, right?"

Eli: "This...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him....

After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him.

After take off, he asked the flight attendant for a cup of coffee, but the pigeon yelled over him "Get me a whiskey, now!"

A few moments later the attendant returned with the whiskey, bu...

A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.

Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:

“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”

Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.

“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”

Relieved that this ...

Truck wreck

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys are in class during religious education.

The first boy gets so bored that he falls asleep. The teacher then asks the class, "who created the earth?"

The second boy pulls out a needle and jabs his friend in the arm. He wakes up, startled, and yells, "God Almighty!"

"Correct," says the teacher.

The boy eventually drifts ...

Four rabbis are having a debate

Four rabbis are debating scripture out in the garden, and one of them notices he's continuously outvoted by the other three even though he's absolutely certain he's right. At a certain point, his frustration gets the best of him and he stands up, raises his hands and and says "My Lord, you must know...

In a certain politician's dreams, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The politician asks him "What can I do to make America great again?". FDR responds "Do everything for the people". The politician wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night,

George Washingon appears in the dreams of the politician.

He asks "What can I do to make America great again?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie".

The politician wakes up startled, and curses under his breath.

The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the politician's...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.

As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision."

Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face.

On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. ...

[Long] A man was playing golf one sunny afternoon when he hit his ball into a pond.

As he approached the water to retrieve his ball, he noticed a small frog sitting on a lily pad.
To his surprise, the frog spoke up and said, "Excuse me, sir, but I'm not actually a frog. I'm a beautiful princess under a curse. If you kiss me, I'll transform back into my true form, and I'll be for...

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed “EEEEEEEEEE!”, lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied...

There's a dog walking in the jungle.

Being a dog, he has amazing hearing, and heard a leopard sneaking up on him. He found a bone and starts chewing on it and remarks rather loudly "that was a tasty leopard, I wonder if there's anymore around here!" The leopard, startled by the comment, leaves in a hurry. Meanwhile up in the trees, a m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is working a his desk when he hears a voice in his head that says “sell all your stuff and go to Las Vegas” the man is startled by this and asks his co-works if they heard that voice.

No one else hears it. Soon he hears it again.
“sell all your stuff and go to Las Vegas”

After a few days it’s happening non stop!
“sell all your stuff and go to Las Vegas”

Finally, the man gives in. He sells everything he owns and books a flight to Las Vegas. As soon as he gets ...

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

Two men were walking home after a party

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a
shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of
the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming
from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man
with a hammer and chise...

A vulture is picking at some roadkill on the street

A cop comes up to the vulture and shouts, "Hey! What are you doing?"

Startled, the vulture responds, "I'm just eating here."

"Oh," the cop says, "carrion"

I was lost walking through a cemetery when I came upon a grave that looked familiar. I put my flowers on it and went to walk away.

A nearby man called out “Hey! That’s my grandmothers grave! Your Grandma’s is a few over!”
Startled and embarrassed I answered back “Sorry! I’ve made a grave mistake!”

breakfast

I was making pancakes this morning. The wife sneaked up behind and startled me.

"Oh honey you scared the crepe out of me!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Terrifying Story

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't ...

Little Jimmy is in class and the teacher asks:

"if there are 9 birds on a fence and the farmer shoots 1, how many birds are left?"
Jimmy raises his hand and says;
none, because the rest is startled by the shot and will fly away.
To which the teacher says, "Well Jimmy, the correct answer is 8, but I like the way you think."
Ji...

Judge

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn't it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

The prosecutor aga...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An agent of the CIA named Charles goes missing after investigating a cartel in Mexico...

After a few days, another agent is sent to find out what happened to him, and after much effort the agent makes contact with one of the cartel's leaders

"What can you tell us about Charles?" the agent asks.
The leader replies, "We have Señor ."

Startled, the agent fasten...

A burglar had broken into a house...

... and as he was feeling his way through a darkened room, he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar was startled and stood still for a few moments. Then he decided to continue his search for valuables. Once again, he heard the voice, a little louder, "Jesus is still watching yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets pulled over for speeding

The officer asks "why are you in such a hurry?"

"I'm late for work" he says

"What do you do for work?" The officer asks

He goes "I'm a stretcher"

Startled the officer asks "so what's the process there?"

"Ah, well it's really simple, we start with a finger...

Farmer Murphy and the Brit

Farmer Murphy is working on his fence when a British tourist startled him by honking his car’s horn.

"I say," asked the Brit "does this road go to the Castle?"

"I do believe it does. Just keep on as you were." Farmer Murphy goes back to his business. About 10 minutes later, the Brit ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old lady walks into a bank with a million dollars.

Old lady: "I'd like to make a deposit of a million dollars"

Bank assistant:, "That's a lot of money. How did you get them?"

Old lady: "I think I should speak to the managing bank director since it's such a large cash deposit."

Bank assistant: "Well considering that it is a milli...

A cow, a goat, and a pig were trying to cross a river one late afternoon

Unfortunately, the river is home to a big mean alligator with a voracious appetite.

"We have no choice but to cross the river anyways, or we will starve on this side." says the cow and she crosses the river. Miraculously, she was unharmed. The gator only looks at her with indifference and let...

I got caught peeing in the pool.

The lifeguard's whistle startled me so much, I nearly fell in!

A man is about to jump off from a bridge

Just as he's about to take the final leap, a woman yells out at him in the distance.

"Wait! Hold on!"

He's startled, looks over. He sees a cute young woman running towards him, her face conveying deep emotion. She yells out "Wait, just hear me out!"

He's touched. No one has ever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mom, I want to be a prostitute when I grow up.

"Mom, I want to be a prostitute when I grow up." Said the Irish girl.

"A what?" Replied the mother with a startled expression on her face.

"A prostitute."

"Oh, a prostitute. Thank god, I thought you said a Protestant."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he noticed a man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" He said

Startled, the other man replies "No, just having a "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Luigi's Armani

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much that it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them....

A tourist goes to see Beethoven's grave in Austria

And, to his shock, he sees the great musician seated next to his grave, erasing pieces of paper with his symphonies written on them.

The tour guide leans over to his visibly startled guest and says, "Don't worry, he does this all the time. He's decomposing."

A man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn’t been feeling well lately.

The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill wi...

The president was walking out of the White House...

The president was walking out of the White House heading towards his limo when a possible assassin jumps out and aims his gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”
This startled the would be assassin long enough to be captured.

Later the secret service age...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[] A young woman seduces and marries a 90 year old rich man in hopes of quickly inheriting his wealth...

She’s convinced he won’t even survive their wedding night so she takes care to find the sexiest negligee and high heels certain to give him a heart attack on sight. That night after the wedding she finishes getting ready in the bathroom and she seductively saunters out to the bedroom expecting to ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Burglar breaks into a house through the basement.

As he climbs through the window he hears

"Jesus sees you."

Startled, the burglar frantically looks for a light switch and turns on the lights revealing a parrot.

"Jesus sees you and he's angry!" The parrot screeches.

The burglar scoffs and continues to creep upstairs as h...

A Banana Walked into a Doctor's Office

He's sitting in the exam room when the doctor walks in, head buried in his notes, not really paying attention.

"I've got some bad news. You have stage 4 cancer, and it's very aggressive. We've caught it way too late. I'm afraid you only have two weeks left to live, Mr. Orange."

Looking...

Burglary

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38! " ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

A man stumbles out of a bar on St. Patrick’s day, bumps into a policeman, and burps right in his face!

The cop, though startled, calmly directs him to a taxi without issue.

There was a presumption of Guinness hints.

A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.

She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde was startled. Sh...

A Blonde On Death Row

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready ... Aim ..."

Suddenly the brunette yell...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man arrives in New York’s airport and hails a taxi.

He tells the driver where he wants to go, hops in and they drive away.

After a few miles, the man realizes that the driver missed a turn, so he reaches forward and taps the guy on the shoulder to get his attention.

There’s an ear splitting yelp. The taxi driver floors the gas and th...

Hiking

Two women are hiking in the wilds, and they arrive at a chasm over a river with an old bridge. One of the women announces she needs to pee and proceeds to drop her drawers, but before she begins, she looks down and exclaims in a startled voice, "There is a canoe below me full of moose meat!"

...

Monster under the bed

Jim hears his son call his name, so he walks in his sons room. Jim's son, Howard says with a tremble in his voice, "Dad, there's a monster under my bed." Jim unconvinced walks to his son's bed and looks underneath. There he sees his son crying and startled as he whispers, "Dad, there's a monster sle...

Conveyor Belt

A man was shopping at his local supermarket where he selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

He unloaded his items on the conveyor belt to check out, and the cashier said "You ...

North Korea: Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be landing a man on the sun within 10 years.

A startled reporter shouted, “But the sun is thousands of degrees
Celsius. No one can get within 10 million miles of the sun!”

The audience was stunned at the reporter's brazen challenge and the room
fell into a long silence. But instead of having the
reporter arrested, Kim calmly re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

David walked in from work today and saw his wife was sitting on the sofa with his girlfriend.

Composed he said, “What’s going on?”
“You tell me?” replied his wife.

David said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted his girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having for six months!”
Acting Startled David looked at his wi...

An 80 year old bachelor visits a sperm bank…

He’s decided that he would leave a specimen behind in case anyone would want to use it.

The receptionist gave him a jar, pointed to another room and informed him that there were magazines in the room, in case he needed the extra encouragement.

After a few mins of quiet, the reception...

A lot of people don’t know that Lisa Kudrow has a bachelor's degree in Biology

She was visiting an old school friend who was doing a research project on the genetics of rats and they were showing her their breeding pairs. “This is the Mama Rat A who has a gene sequence that makes her produce more young, and with her is the Papa Rat A who has a trait that causes him to sire un...

A man decides to buy a parrot

A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot.

The clerk responds, "ah exellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000."

Startled the man remarks that this seams like a high pri...

A burglar breaks in to a house

A burglar breaks into a house,

as he’s wandering through the first floor he hears “Jesus is watching you “,

Startled, he looks around and he sees a parrot, as he sees the parrot it says to him “Jesus is watching you “,
“Hello parrot” says the burglar, “so your name is Jesus,eh?...

A Dumb Blonde Goes Ice Fishing

A dumb blonde goes ice fishing.

The dumb blonde finds a good spot on the ice, cuts a whole in it and begins fishing.

Suddenly a loud voice from up above says "There are no fish here!"

The dumb blonde gets startled and decides to move to a new spot on the ice. The dumb blonde cu...

A guy walks into a bar ....

He sits on a bar stool waiting for the bartender.
"Nice tie!" He was startled looking around to see would said that to him and there was no one around. "Nice Shoes" he hears and again, looking around to see who said that to him and still no one was around. The bartender finally comes over and ...

Consulting the Shaman

A couple had been wanting to have a child for so long and was so desperate that they consulted a Shaman hoping that he could solve their problem.

The Shaman said that they would have their first child next year, with a condition that it is accompanied by a curse... that the very first name or...

A nervous kid brings condoms to the counter for the first time.

The clerk says, "That'll be $4.29 with tax."

The kid looks startled and says, "Is *that* how you keep them on?"

The big bang was an incredibly huge, loud disruption

I guess it must've startled everything

Blonde on a Galloping Steed

Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blond decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience.

Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.

The horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric...

An English farmer was walking through his field

He spotted a intruder crouched down by his pond. As he approached he realised the man was drinking pond water, cupping his hands.

"Oy ye dinnae wanna drink from there. It be full of hoss an' muck!" shouted the farmer.

The man looked up, startled. "Pardon monsieur but i am french. I am ...

A homeless man is sitting in a bar

After a few drinks he begins speaking to a young lady. The homeless man mentions he feels it's unfair that he be homeless, seeing as he has a college degree.

Startled, the young lady asks, "Well, what did you study in college?"

The homeless man replies, "I had a major in Biotechnology ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.