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Split Personality Jokes

I went to a psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160

I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

"I have a split personality."

...said Tom, being frank.

I used to have a split personality

But I don't anymore, and neither do I

Some people think I have a split personality.

To them I say: "No, he doesn't."

I have a split personality

And so do i

What do you call a Waffle with a Split Personality?

Alter Eggo.

A wife comes home one day and tells her husband she has been diagnosed as suffering from split personality syndrome.

“I thought you were just role playing”, replied the husband.

“No, but my psychologist has given me two options, live with it or lose one of the personalities” she says. “What do you think I should do”?

The husband thinks for a moment, “remind me dear, which one likes it in the ass”?

A man experiencing a split personality went to the psychiatrist. One personality swore he was a teepee and the other swore he was a wigwam.

The psychiatrist replied, "You're just too tense"

My room mate says I have a split personality.

Jokes on him... I don't have a room mate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My daughter has a split personality.

She's a "sweetheart" to my wife but a little shit to me.

For a second I thought I had a split personality...

But then I was able to convince him he didn't.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl I dated from my local opticians text me saying I've got a split personality.

Wait, no. It says "shit".

The only way I can have a 3 some....

... is if I date a girl with split personality.

My crazy ex girlfriend accused me of cheating

Why you ask? Because I went out with her split personality when we were together.

Two patients were sitting in a mental hospital cafetaria

Suddenly on the table over, a man, sitting all alone, started laughing hysterically.

First patient asked, "What do you make of that?"

"What, Jimmy two-face over there? That guy has split personality disorder", said the second patient.

"So what?" said the first patient.

"...

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

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