UPJOKE
vermouthliquorlibationalemerlotpossetwassaildrinkwhitesweetwinevinousneguspulquebrandy

Some Wine Jokes

Tonight after the kids went to bed, the wife and I had some wine, wrapped some presents, and things were getting hot

... until Santa came early.

So I'm at a fancy restaurant with a date

The waiter asks if I want red wine or white wine with the meal. "I don't care; I'm color-blind." My date laughs. I guess she doesn't have any sympathy for the color-blind.

So the waiter brings over a bottle. The label says "2013." I tell the waiter I want some wine that isn't 10 years beyond ...

When there is some wine leftover from communion, it doesn't get wasted...

The vicar does.

A man went to a shop to buy some wine...

When he pulled out his wallet, the cashier noticed the photo on the driving licence was completely different to the face of the man.

The cashier said, "you should return that to its rightful owner."

The man asked why.

The cashier said, "well, in this situation, you should think ...

The group wanted to pour some wine but unfortunately...

Decant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy went to a doctor about getting a penile implant.

When speaking with the doctor, he said "You have come to the right place.  We have a new procedure, that has worked very well for several of my patients.  We implant part of an elephant's trunk into your penis.  I expect you'll enjoy it once the operation is complete.

Although the man was a l...

A woman was walking down the street

when she was accosted by a homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homele...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Italian and a Rabbi are riding on a train together...

They get acquainted, and at one point the Italian takes some sausage out of his bag and offers some to his companion.

Rabbi asks, "Is it made from pork?"

"Yes", replies the Italian.

"Well then, I can't eat it. It's not kosher. God's law."

The Italian shrugs and eats the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old winos were talking about the days when they pass...

1st wino says, "If I go first...will you pour some wine over my grave every day?"

2nd wino says, "Sure, you bet! But do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first??"

Two priests and a whale walk into subway

The first priest orders a turkey on italian, and also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine here, but since you're a priest I'll go run and get some for you." So he runs to the liquor store across the street to go buy some wine.

The second priest orders a meatball...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pierre the famous French fighter pilot

Pierre was the most famous fighter pilot in all of France.
When he returned to the small village of his birth, he was received as a hero. All men wanted to be him and all women wanted to be with him.
In the busy market place he spotted a beautiful girl, grabbed her by the waste and whispered i...

A drunk guy once ran out of wine and saw a church

So he decided he would ask a priest for some, but to appear less suspicious that he was drunk, he stood up straight and walked in. He saw a priest reading a bible, approached him and politely said, "Hello Father, may I please have some wine? I will surely pay you back tomorrow." And the priest looke...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A devout Christian, Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar

The barternder approaches them as they get seated at the table.

The Christian guy: Jesus turned water into wine. It was the first miracle he performed. So I will go with some wine today.

The Jewish guy: Arak, the licorice flavored spirit is highly preffered in Isreal. It makes me feel ...

I was walking to class and a guy in front of me dropped $10. I ran and picked it up and having. Just got out of bible studies I asked myself “What Would Jesus Do?”

So I turned it into wine... well... I bought some wine.

A tired man walks into a French restaurant for a date...

(This is a really old and kinda long joke my parents used to tell me. It's translated from Spanish so bear with me.)

The man hated French food, but the woman was supposed to be an absolute beauty, so he agreed. He arrived at the incredibly fancy restaurant, exhausted from a day of work, and s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During Jesus’ final supper...

... he poured some wine and said, “Drink this for it is my blood.” He then pulls out some Matzah and starts breaking it and telling everyone, “Eat this for it is my body.”

Then he pulled out a massive jar of mayonnaise and before he could say anything everyone got up and left.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A customer enters a restaurant.

After sitting down, a waiter gives him the menu. The customer goes through it but doesn’t find anything interesting.

Customer: Waiter, do you know what are the specials for this evening?

Waiter: Ah yes. We have a special dish called “Fuck”. It is a combination of fish and duck served w...

René Descartes is sitting in a restaraunt

when the waiter approaches and asks "Would you like some wine?"

"I think not" said Descartes.

Then he ceases to exist.

An Aardvark walks into a bar

Bartender: Can I get you a beer?

Aardvark: Noooooooooooo

Bartender: Can I get you some wine?

Aardvark: Noooooooooooooo

Bartender: Well, how about a whiskey?

Aardvark: Nooooooooooooooooooooo

Bartender: What's with the long Nos?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The American, Frenchman, Norwegian and the Black guy

So there is an American, Frenchman, Norwegian and a Black guy
on top of the Empire state building.

The American pulls out some dollars from his pocket and throws them off the building.

"Why did you do that?" said the others. "Because we have so much money.

So the Frenchman...

An Englishman, a German, a Frenchman, and a Jewish guy are lost in the desert.

The Englishman says "I'm so thirsty, I must have some tea!"
The German says "I'm so thirsty, I must have ze beer!"
The Frenchman says "I'm so thirsty, I must 'ave some wine!"
The Jewish guy says "I'm so thirsty, I must have diabetes!"

A Rabbi and a Priest get in a car crash.

A rabbi and a Priest get in a car crash. Miraculously they both escaped unscathed.

The Rabbi looks to the priest and says "surely this is a miracle by the grace of god don't you agree?"

The priest agrees with the Rabbi.

"Then surely you would agree God would want us to celebra...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.