What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?

Family photo.

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How is a selfie stick like a dildo?

There's usually a cunt at one end.

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My friend Richard sent me a selfie

It was a dickpic

I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry

He has selfie steam issues.

My Siberian cousin was kidnapped while taking a selfie.

In Soviet Russia, pictures take you.

I asked my photographer friend which pose was the best for selfies...

...he said, "It doesn't really matter. Just take your pic."

I once asked my phone assistant for a joke.

All it did was turn on the selfie camera. What is that supposed to mean?

People think Big Ben is a cool tourist attraction

In America we have thousands of Big Ben’s, most of the time we can’t get around them in a store aisle but it’s still not exactly something you take a selfie in front of.

Let's call selfies what they really are

Alonies

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My wife sent me selfie...

My wife sent me a selfie of herself in a new pair of jeans, asking if her ass looked big in it.

I texted back "Noo..." but my damn phone auto corrected it to "Moo..."


Please send help...

What do you call it when a crab takes a selfie?

A shelfie.

P.s. This is what it's come to. Kill me.

My friend told me that he stored his newest selfie on OneDrive.

I told him to get his head out of the Cloud.

What’s a panda’s biggest life regret?

Never had a selfie in color.

Nothing like selling an old man your selfies in skin tight outfits, covering strangers with your sticky white goo, and taking compromising photos when they’re vulnerable.

I sure loved the old Spiderman movies.

stolen from comments of r/showerthoughts

The Arizona Wildlife World Zoo refused to euthanize the panther that killed a woman who jumped into its enclosure to take a selfie...

...making it the first black entity to ever successfully invoke the Castle Doctrine/Stand Your Ground against a white entity.

Some girl has stolen my phone and clicked naked selfies.My cloud is full of them now. Somebody help me find her

I need to give her a charger too.

Where Do Vegetables Post Their Selfies?

Instayam.

Why thanos don't like selfies ?

Because everytime he makes a snap, half of his friend list disappear.

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I just walked in on my boss jerking off to my selfies.

That's the last picture of Spider-Man I ever sell to the Daily Bugle.

People who use selfie sticks......

Need to have a good, long look at themselves

I dream of becoming a selfie photographer..

I can just picture myself doing it.

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Every selfie that my mate Richard posts online...

...is a dick pic.

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What's 12 inches long and snaps a cunt?

A selfie stick

I took a selfie with my uncle. Everyone behind us shook their heads.

I never know how to behave at wakes.

I took ten photos of myself in the shower, but hated them all.

Turns out I have selfie-steam issues

For the New Year, I vow to take a selfie at 720p.m.

It's a decent resolution.

I once had a selfie with Dwayne Johnson at the Alcatraz Island (during an SF City Tour)...

Now I know what it feels to be stucked between The Rock and A Hard Place...

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Why are most selfies taken in the bathroom?

Cause that's where the shit belongs

Hot Shower Pics

I was trying to take a picture of myself in the shower but I couldn't get a good one. The pictures kept coming out blurry.

I guess I have selfie steam issues.

I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.

My doctor says I have selfie steam issues.

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The Russian President:

At a KHL game: Vladimir Rutin

At a gun range: Vladimir Shutin

Imitating an owl: Vladimir Hutin

With a wheat harvest: Vladimir Gultin

Looking Amphibious: Vladimir Newtin

Rioting and stealing shit: Vladimir Lutin

Bungling a ground ball: Vladimir Butin
...

Yo mama's so fat...

...she has to upgrade her data plan every time she sends a selfie.

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I asked my wife to send me a pic of her asshole.

She sent me a selfie of myself.

My friend has a habit of taking blurry pictures of himself in the bathroom mirror after taking hot showers...

I thunk he has a high selfie steam problem.

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I don’t ask my girlfriend for nudes.

If I wanted to look at a cunt, I’ll just take a selfie.

NSFL People should go easy on Logan Paul

After all, he wasn't the only one there taking a *selfie*

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Me: I'm too sexy for myself!

Mirror: Yeah... that's hot!

Windows: sup dude!

Girls: He's so sexy, look at him... *(Giggles)*

Selfie camera: Wassup you fugly piece of shit!

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I went to visit my Chinese friend in hospital

Whilst taking a selfie video with him he suddenly yelled something in Chinese then died. With no way of understanding what he meant I wondered if it was a will. I decided that I had to pass the video on to his family.
When I arrived at Beijing airport customs asked me why I was visiting. I showe...

Did you hear about the ISIS graphic designer?

He was handed some selfies and asked to blow them up.

If you find it hard to take pictures of yourself in the sauna...

You have selfie-steam issues.

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A Panda Bear wins a free trip to NYC....

This Giant Panda boards his flight from China and after a long flight he arrives in New York. He decides to do some tourist stuff and go sightseeing. As he is walking down the crowded and busy streets of NYC, so many people are taking photos and selfies with him. The panda is feeling like a rocksta...

Before camera phones…

…a selfie was another term for an hj.

An Instagram influencer walks into a bar

They were too busy taking selfies.

Hello, Im here to subscribe to the gym

+Hello, I'm here to subscribe to the gym
-Are you here because of a New Year Resolution?
+Yes
-We have a one day plan, it includes 4 selfies in the weight lifting area
+Perfect

I just can’t take pictures of myself anymore...

I’ve run out of selfie-steam.

Yo mamma's so fat...

that she takes selfies in panorama mode

Yo mama so fat..

...she took one selfie and her brand new phone said "Insufficient storage".

On the bright side

selfie sticks are also lightning rods.

I have a new word for vibrator ...

selfie stick

I'm working on a script about a mobster who attempts to reinvent himself as a professional photographer. I'm gonna call it...

*The Selfie Made Man.*

What's the difference between Peter Parker and Basic White Girls?

Parker gets paid for his selfies.

Two blondes on an ariplane...

Two blondes are on a flight from New York to Los Angeles to get to a modeling job. About 30 minutes into the flight, the captain makes an announcement.

"We seemed to have had an engine failure so were are flying on only three out of our four engines. We will be about 1 hour late for arriva...

Oh Jessica...

A fatal stabbing left a man bleeding to death just outside of an apartment complex, alone. As he started to lose consciousness, the man began writing the name of his killer, Jeffrey, his next door neighbor. The name was left incomplete, as he'd succumbed just after almost finishing the first "F"....

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Johnny wants to be a policeman.

Teacher asks students what they want to be when they grow up:
Tyler wants to be an astronaut and explore the unexplored.
Timmy wants to be a fireman so he can be a hero and help people.
Little Johnny wants to be a policeman.
.... The teacher asks why, "so you can also help people?" ...

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