Selfie Jokes - 51 Hilarious Selfie Jokes

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What's 12 inches long and snaps a cunt?

A selfie stick

Let's call selfies what they really are

Alonies

What a selfie called taken by an orphan?

A family photo.

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My friend Richard sent me a selfie

It was a dickpic

My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.

She has selfie steam issues.

A scientist took a selfie while he was drinking liquid nitrogen

He was quoted as saying "It was the coolest shot I ever took"

People who use Selfie Sticks.....

Really need to take a good long look at themselves!

For those people who still carry their selfie stick with them on their travels, I have one thing to say.

I hope you take a long hard look at yourself.

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Damn autocorrect!

My Wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked "Does this make my butt look big?"

I texted back "Noo!"

My phone autocorrected my response to "Moo!"

Please send help!

Selfies taken by orphans are

Family photos

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How is a selfie stick like a dildo?

There's usually a cunt at one end.

My Siberian cousin was kidnapped while taking a selfie.

In Soviet Russia, pictures take you.

I dream of becoming a selfie photographer..

I can just picture myself doing it.

Yo mama's so fat...

...she has to upgrade her data plan every time she sends a selfie.

Where Do Vegetables Post Their Selfies?

Instayam.

I asked my photographer friend which pose was the best for selfies...

...he said, "It doesn't really matter. Just take your pic."

Why thanos don't like selfies ?

Because everytime he makes a snap, half of his friend list disappear.

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Every selfie that my mate Richard posts online...

...is a dick pic.

My friend told me that he stored his newest selfie on OneDrive.

I told him to get his head out of the Cloud.

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Why are most selfies taken in the bathroom?

Cause that's where the shit belongs

I took a selfie with my uncle. Everyone behind us shook their heads.

I never know how to behave at wakes.

Did you hear about the geometry teacher who tried to take a selfie?

It was a protracted process but eventually he found the right angle.

I once asked my phone assistant for a joke.

All it did was turn on the selfie camera. What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing like selling an old man your selfies in skin tight outfits, covering strangers with your sticky white goo, and taking compromising photos when they’re vulnerable.

I sure loved the old Spiderman movies.

stolen from comments of r/showerthoughts

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I'm not against selfies

Sometimes I ask my roommate if he'll take a picture of me, not because I'm against snapping a selfie;

He's just way more skilled,

...at getting a good dick pic on the first shot.

I finally got my turn on Dall-E and wanted to give it a real challenge so I asked it to render a bilious pile of rancid garbage with no hope, joy or radiance whatsoever.

Bloody waste of my turn, I could’ve taken a selfie anytime.

If you find it hard to take pictures of yourself in the sauna...

You have selfie-steam issues.

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I just walked in on my boss jerking off to my selfies.

That's the last picture of Spider-Man I ever sell to the Daily Bugle.

The Arizona Wildlife World Zoo refused to euthanize the panther that killed a woman who jumped into its enclosure to take a selfie...

...making it the first black entity to ever successfully invoke the Castle Doctrine/Stand Your Ground against a white entity.

For the New Year, I vow to take a selfie at 720p.m.

It's a decent resolution.

Some girl has stolen my phone and clicked naked selfies.My cloud is full of them now. Somebody help me find her

I need to give her a charger too.

Was going to post an original joke my parents made 27 years ago

But r/jokes won't let me post my selfies

What’s a panda’s biggest life regret?

Never had a selfie in color.

I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.

My doctor says I have selfie steam issues.

People think Big Ben is a cool tourist attraction

In America we have thousands of Big Ben’s, most of the time we can’t get around them in a store aisle but it’s still not exactly something you take a selfie in front of.

My friend has a habit of taking blurry pictures of himself in the bathroom mirror after taking hot showers...

I thunk he has a high selfie steam problem.

Hot Shower Pics

I was trying to take a picture of myself in the shower but I couldn't get a good one. The pictures kept coming out blurry.

I guess I have selfie steam issues.

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I don’t ask my girlfriend for nudes.

If I wanted to look at a cunt, I’ll just take a selfie.

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I went to visit my Chinese friend in hospital

Whilst taking a selfie video with him he suddenly yelled something in Chinese then died. With no way of understanding what he meant I wondered if it was a will. I decided that I had to pass the video on to his family.
When I arrived at Beijing airport customs asked me why I was visiting. I showe...

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What's a narcicist's favourite porn category?

A selfie.

Before camera phones…

…a selfie was another term for an hj.

An Instagram influencer walks into a bar

They were too busy taking selfies.

Yo mama so fat..

...she took one selfie and her brand new phone said "Insufficient storage".

Did you hear about the ISIS graphic designer?

He was handed some selfies and asked to blow them up.

Hello, Im here to subscribe to the gym

+Hello, I'm here to subscribe to the gym
-Are you here because of a New Year Resolution?
+Yes
-We have a one day plan, it includes 4 selfies in the weight lifting area
+Perfect

What does the Queen of England call post stamps ?

Selfies.

I have a new word for vibrator ...

selfie stick

I'm working on a script about a mobster who attempts to reinvent himself as a professional photographer. I'm gonna call it...

*The Selfie Made Man.*

What's the difference between Peter Parker and Basic White Girls?

Parker gets paid for his selfies.

Two blondes on an ariplane...

Two blondes are on a flight from New York to Los Angeles to get to a modeling job. About 30 minutes into the flight, the captain makes an announcement.

"We seemed to have had an engine failure so were are flying on only three out of our four engines. We will be about 1 hour late for arriva...

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A Panda Bear wins a free trip to NYC....

This Giant Panda boards his flight from China and after a long flight he arrives in New York. He decides to do some tourist stuff and go sightseeing. As he is walking down the crowded and busy streets of NYC, so many people are taking photos and selfies with him. The panda is feeling like a rocksta...

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