What kind of Instagram user would COVID-19 be?

An Influenza

So I guess there was this rancher who was growing a really weird breed of cattle.

They were a really vivid blue green color.  No one could believe it... They thought he was airbrushing them or painting them or using Instagram filters or photoshop.

Finally an fda inspector--Neal Beal was his name--wanted to go out to the ranch and see for himself whether these cows were re...

Instagram causes depression in teenage girls...

...just like everything else.

This Facebook & Instagram being down is so frustrating

I had to drive to 30 different peoples houses to find out what they had for dinner and to find out why COVID is fake.

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.

With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having

What do you call an app that delivers drugs to you, whenever you need it?

Instagram.





I just thought of this while scrolling Reddit and i just had to post it

Is 3 followers a lot?

On Instagram? No. In a dark forest? Yes.

Why do Instagram influencers enjoy shopping at Walmart so much?

They just can't get enough of the self-checkout.

Australian Grandmaster wins big chess tournament, "so would you like the prize money as cash or..?" "check, mate"

Hey so I won a college chess tournament and are about to go into an Instagram live video with a talkative person(the host,lady) and the college chess coach "Dan" (friend of mine,older) . So what are some jokes I can do?

I'm thinking of..

Host:"so you've played a lot of chess huh?"
...

Boris turns to his friend Sergei and says, “I see you have been doing the Instagram and Twitters.”

Yes, I’ve gotten quite good. I am what you call a Socialist, no?” Replies Sergei.
“Sergei no, no. That is not Socialist. Soci-“
Sergei interrupted “Yes I am going professional on social media’s. I am Socialist.”
“Yes, your on the Twitter and Instagrams.” Reassured Boris.
Yes, Sergei nodd...

How do Instagram models get paid?

Per DM

How much does an influencer weigh?

An Instagram

How do you get onlyfans for free after October?

Use Instagram

If a woman marries a man with grandkids

Does she become an Instagram?

The Gynecologist of my wife started following her on Instagram.

I wonder, what more he wants to see...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at an important job interview today..

"Are you on facebook?" I was asked.

"Sorry, no. I'm not." I replied.

"Twitter?"

"Nope."

"Instagram?"

"Nah."

"Look, just put your fucking phone away, will you!?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram!

I'm a content creator.

2 Yetis meet on a dating app

2 Yetis matched on a dating app one day. One was American, the other European. In spite of American Yeti’s peculiarities and the yawning physical gap between them, they hit it off. Having gone back and forth for a little while, American Yeti asks European Yeti for a picture. European Yeti happily ob...

How does a Millennial weight themselves?

In Instagrams







eta: yes, I saw the typo in the subject, about .01 after I hit "post", of course. Oh well! C'est la vie.

Reddit is kinda like Instagram, I hate to say

Nobody cares unless you show your cake

I never understood why Mark Zuckerberg bought Instagram for $1 billion dollars.

What an idiot. He could’ve just gotten it for free on the App Store.

Whenever I see Instagram models working out, I am inspired to do my own workout.

Unfortunately, it's only for my left arm.

I told my friends I am an Instagram Model

‘Unemployed’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it

What is Instagram called in USA?

Instaounce.

Why does Voldemort prefer Instagram over Facebook?

'Cause he has only followers and no friends.

They say that going to school is important

but becoming a instagram model is importanter!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: Dad, why is my newborn sister named instagram?

Dad: Because your mom loves instagram and I found out that she spends enormous amounts of time on it. So, it was my way to get her off her addiction.

Son: Ok Dad, Thank you.

Dad: You're welcome.
Now go to your room, Pornhub.

Ah, “Instagram influencers”...

...I remember back when they were simply called hookers

My girlfriend, an Instagram model, asked me to go to the store. She said to get groceries and nothing else.

Just food for thot.

I put my grandma on speed dial.

I call that instagram.

I head into my office to print something out, but the printer is out of paper...

I got some paper to refill it, and that's when I noticed something interesting. The paper company was advertising it's social media accounts... I wondered what the Paper Company was doing with an Instagram account so I decided to check them out. Turns out a large percentage of their posts were about...

My girlfriend's gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.

I really don't know what else he wants to see.

What happened when the flu joined instagram?

She became an influenza!

Her (On Tinder): I'm a model on Instagram! What do you do?

Him: I'm a soldier, on Call of Duty.

Comparing the number of Instagram hashtags for #apple and #orange

really is apples and oranges

How do you weigh a millennial?

In instagrams.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Roses are red, violets are blue

Pornhub's down, your Instagram will do.

I've found something a thousand times better than Instagram

Instakilogram

Why is reddit better than facebook and instagram?

Because you dont need a life to use it

What do you call an overweight bounty droid who moonlights as an Instagram influencer?

An IG unit.

If you could choose between Reddit and Instagram...

Which award would you get first?

It’s amazing how popular Instagram is in America.

Didn’t think they liked the metric system.

Why do doctors hate popular Instagram accounts that only post in the spring?

Because they're seasonal influencers!

What do you call 1,000 Instagram accounts?

Instakilograms

I'm gonna start a cocaine delivery service

I'll call it instagram

Three Instagram influencers walk into a bar...

...I know this because I just saw their story.

How do you measure Millenials?

In Instagrams...

Back in the day, Instagram just meant

**a really efficient drug dealer.**

I think Instagram made me sick

I got a bad case of influencer

For all you men dreaming of elaborate ways of hooking up with an Instagram model, all it took me was a good dinner date....

Just some food for thot.

Why was Pingu banned from Instagram?

He was posting noots.

So there's an Amazon River now? What's next? Lake Facebook? Mount Paypal?

How did Amazon manage to name a whole river in South America after them? Did they pay the governments of all the countries it flows through, for the naming rights?

What was the river's name before Amazon bought the naming rights to the river?

And how long will it be before there are ot...

Have you heard about the social media stars who are coughing and sick?

They're Instagram Influenzas

What is the equivalent of being a model at Instagram?

Being a millionaire in Monopoly.

What is the weight of an influencer's brain?

One Instagram.

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When we were kids, girls would say "boys to go Jupiter to get more stupider"

Little did they know, the girls would go to Mars to grow up to become Instagram pornstars.

When an instagram guy shows you a meme

Lol, I already reddit.

What's the difference between Reddit and Instagram?

Reddit fills your mind with thoughts.

Instagram fills your mind with thots.

Broke my finger today.

But on the other hand, I'm fine!


(credit to @dadsaysjokes on instagram)

The CIA is now on Instagram...

the least you could do is follow them back.

I tried putting my motherboard on Instagram

But it wouldn't post.

A picture of an egg on Instagram got more likes than Kylie Jenner...

...I guess you could say the egg beat her.

An Instagram influencer walks into a bar

They were too busy taking selfies.

What was Billy Graham's favorite social media platform?

Instagram!

Instagram is the best app

For posting things that went viral on reddit a week ago

What app do you get, when you download instagram a thousand times?

Instakilo

I got banned from Instagram for posting food pictures

Apparently they only want to see the food "Before" you eat it, not "After"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another three friends brag about sex.

Friend A starts "I won the lottery last month and now women keep having sex me, I've slept with at least one girl a night since!"

Friend B counters "Well I'm a model with over 2 million Instagram followers. I pick up several women a day all willing to have sex with me!"

Friend C, in a ...

My girlfriend is a social media expert.

She sent me a long message last month on why Twitter and Instagram are hands down the best Social Media apps.

But I only reddit now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was offered sex with a 24 year old Instagram model last night. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon scent or vanilla.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an aggressive reptile that likes to start shit with people on Instagram?

An instigator.

What did the r/memer say to his Instagram meme friend when he was showing him old memes?

I’ve reddit

How many Instagram models does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, they hold the light bulb up and the world revolves around them.

My cousin thinks reddit is unoriginal garbage

He runs an Instagram meme page

I saw something really interesting on Instagram recently

Said no one ever.

Things that didn't exist the last time England were in the semis

iPhone

Facebook

Google

Amazon

Android

Twitter

Instagram

iPod

Yahoo

YouTube

Snapchat

Spotify

Tesla

Skype

Uber

Airbnb

Bitcoin

Fitbit

Emojis

iPad

and
.

....

Give a man a fish, and he’ll Instagram it...

Teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it.

What does a Instagram teenager do for his history report?

Lincoln bio

What do you use to meassure the weight of a photo?

Instagrams

Social media in a nutshell

Instagram: "I'm so pretty"
LinkedIn: "I'm so good at my job"
Twitter: "I'm so funny"
Snapchat: "I'm a dog"

YouTube, Reddit and Instagram walk into a bar...

All of them make fools of the themselves vying for the attention of everyone in the bar.

A girl is taking her drivers license exam

-if you are driving and see your brother and husband on the road, which one you slam


-my husband



-for the third damn time it's the brakes the damn brakes

Not sure if repost saw it on instagram if it is im sorry

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