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Raining Jokes

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When It's Raining..

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"...

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Just read that by law you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden

How the fuck am I meant to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window...

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...

sources say it was raining when JFK embarked on his motorcade and yet he decided to go in a convertible..

Makes you wonder what was going through his head.

It started raining just as I got home from work

You could say that it just mist me

*It's raining penny's and quarters*

Me:WTF is this

Climate:Change

What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining…

… and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from, just in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" He asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse i...

It was raining hard...

...and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood by the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the puddle.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," replied the old man.

'Poor old fool,' thought...

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They say "it's raining cats and dogs"...

but I still can never seem to get myself any pussies or bitches

Julius: Is it raining in Rome, Brutus?

Brutus: Hail, Caesar.

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it's been raining heavily, puddles everywhere.

So a man is walking down the street, it's been tipping down. Puddles everywhere, just very wet.
He keeps walking and spies a duck, the duck is overly confident. The duck asks "how you going guy?"
The man is visibly confused by the talking duck and says *can't believe you can talk. *

The...

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A man walks into a church

and goes in the confessional. The priest follows him.

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery.” he says.

“Dear heavens my child. I must ask, what happened? ” the priest answers.

“You see father, last week my wife and I went to my sister-in-law’s house fo...

A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve...

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it rain...

A girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

A priest at the door greets her. "Are you all right, my dear?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine!" she exclaims. "It's just absolutely pouring rain!"

Suddenly, the sky opens up, and water begins to cascade down as if pouring from an enormous faucet.

"Oh my!" she exclaims. "It's coming down in ...

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

Man it was really raining cats and dogs today.

Sure hope I don’t step in a poodle.

It had been raining non stop for weeks

A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.

Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, "Jump in, I can save you."

The stranded fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."
...

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A man goes to confession (NSFW)

Man: Forgive me farher for what I have sinned.


Father: What did you do my child?


Man: I went to my sister in law's home. Just when I was leaving, it started raining and I had to stay there. We slept together.


Father: Pray to god my son for he is merciful.


...

Of rain, snow, and communism.

A soviet couple was walking on the red square in Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they...

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A man was having an affair with a married woman.

The man had a romantic evening at her place and were about to have sex. Suddenly there is a knock at the door.

The woman tells the man “My husband is here. Collect your clothes and get out from the window.”

The man did not have time to get dressed and he is naked outside on the road an...

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

One day, when it was raining heavily, my boss asked me to water the plants outside the office.

I looked at him, puzzled, and said, “But, sir, it’s raining!”

He replied, “Then take an umbrella and water the plants.”

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A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi.

A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls (Prostitutes) were standing by the roadside.



The Boy asked; “Mummy, what are all those women doing?



His Mother replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from ...

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So a guy wants to go hunting with his wife and it's raining...

His wife says "I'm not going hunting in the rain!"
He says "You're going hunting in the rain or I'm going to fuck you in the ass or you're sucking my cock, so make up your mind while I go get the dogs ready!"
He comes back into the house and his wife tells him "I'm not going hunting in the rai...

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Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier fo...

I was eating soup one day outside my favorite restaurant and it started raining..

Took me hours to finish my meal.

Have you heard the saying "Raining Cats & Frogs"?

Don't make fun of my lisp.

My son asks me "Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?"

and I reply, "Yes son, the sky is pretty blue."

Two fleas were walking out of a bar when they discovered it was raining.

One turned to the other and asked - Shall we walk or take a dog?

Heavy rain

A natural science professor goes to visit her friend, despite the thick downpour.

*buzzer* "Who's there?"

"Martha? It's me."

"Lucy?! *electric lock clacking* Come upstairs, quick, it's raining a lot!"

"Oh, Martha, you wouldn't belive it... It's raining outside too!"

Why are the people who flew from Spain always dry, even if it was raining there?

Because the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plane.

What do you call it when Snoop Dogg pretends it's raining?

Faux drizzle

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What do you wear when it's raining homophobia?

A straight jacket.

When it started raining my girlfriend couldn’t help starring intently through the window.

I didn’t care though i wasn’t going to let her in.

Why do owls not mate when it's raining?

Toowet Towoo

I had plans to go to the beach today, but the skies are cloudy and it is raining

It's really irrigating...

Father: "Go outside and see if it's raining".

Son: "Call the dog in and see if it's wet".

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A man picks up a woman while it's raining

He then puts his hand on her leg. She says "That will cost you $50."

He then hands her the $50 dollars and begins rubbing her leg until he asks her "How much will it cost for me to make love to you?"

She replies "It will cost you $500, but on my conditions."

Excited, the man pul...

Maybe the song "It's Raining Men" wouldn't have been as popular had they used the original demo title:

"Corpse Storm."

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxi cabs!

Got this from a joke book my niece got for Christmas. Most of them were groaners but this one actually made me laugh!

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