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Puked Jokes

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A man drinking in a bar pukes on his shirt

. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, ...

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Wife calls her mother in-law and asks her "If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?" Mother in-law yells "the mother!"

Wife - "Then come clean up your drunk son!"

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A drunk man pukes on himself

A man is at the bar drinking with his buddies, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," one of his buddies says, "give me a ten-dollar bill." The friend folds up the bill and puts it in the drunk guy's shirt pocke...

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A man goes to a bar and gets so drunk he pukes all over himself...

... He starts panicking because he was worried his wife was going to leave him for this.

Another person at the bar told him to say someone puked all over him, and put $20 in your shirt and tell him he gave you that to cover the cleaning. The man thinks it's a good idea and decides to give it ...

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

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A man goes to the bar alone

After a few too many drinks he proceeds to vomit down the front of his shirt.

"Oh man, my wife bought me this shirt. She's gonna kill me!" he drunkenly blurts out.

"Relax," says the bartender. "Put a $10 bill in your shirt pocket. When you get home tell your wife you were walking into ...

Last weekend my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and for punishment made me smoke until I puked.

This weekend I made sure he caught me in bed with my girlfriend.

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Its Friday after work and Joe's co-worker wants to go get some beers.

"No way" says Joe. "Last time I came home drunk, my wife was so upset she said she would leave me if I ever get wasted again."

"Cmon" says the co-worker. "Drinks are on me" And after a little more coercing, Joe finally gives in and goes out drinking with his buddy.

They stay until ...

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A man pukes on himself in the bar. And says “Oh no what am I going to do? I promised my wife I wouldn’t get drunk here.”

The bartender sees him and says. “It’s ok man take $20 out of your wallet and put it in your shirt pocket. Tell her someone got sick on you and gave you some money for the inconvenience.”
The guy says thanks and walks home. Put money in his shirt pocket and leaves his clothes in the laundr...

I nearly puked on my girlfriend, but she moved out of the way just in time

She ducked my sick

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A guy gets drunk at a bar and pukes on his shirt...

..."Oh man," he says, "this shirt was expensive, my wife is going to kill me!"

The bar tender says to him,

"Look, here's what you do. Put $10 in your shirt pocket and tell her that some other guy puked on you, and then gave you the $10 to have the shirt cleaned."

The guy replie...

A guy had an eagle. One day it was sick. It puked everywhere and wouldn’t stop. Worried, the guy called the vet. Instead of the vet, the cops came and took it away.

Cos it was Ill-eagle.

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Probably the grossest joke I've ever heard.

late one evening a guy is closing up the restaurant he works at. He's sweeping floors and wiping tables, when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door and standing there is the filthiest bum he's ever seen. The bum says, "say fella, could you give me a fork?" Well the guy figures, what the hel...

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A man is drinking with his friend at a bar, he drinks too much and ends up puking all over his shirt

He starts freaking out and tells his friend, “ I can’t go home like this, my wife’s been nagging me about my drinking and she’ll lose it”,
His friend says “don’t worry, I’m going to put a 10 dollar bill in your pocket, tell your wife you had one drink but the guy next to you overdid it and puked ...

My dad came home drunk last night and started telling me jokes. They all sucked, but as he was telling the last joke he puked up on the punchline.

It was the sickest joke I've ever heard!

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The girl in the bar didn't believe me when i bragged that my cock can really test her gag reflex..

Back in my place, She immediately puked when she smelled it...

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A man walks into a bar, gets way too drunk, and ends up puking all over his shirt.

He says "Shit. If I go home like this, my wife is gonna be pissed."
The bartender tells him "Here's what you do. Put a 10 dollar bill in your shirt pocket and tell her that some drunk guy puked on you, and he felt so bad that he gave you 10 dollars so you could get your shirt cleaned."
The man...

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Drunken adventure

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all n...

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Two buddies were getting drunk together.

One drink too many one of them rushes to the bathroom and moments later comes out with his shirt covered in vomit.

"Jesus Steve, what happened to you?" Asked his buddy.

"Ah, shit I puked all over myself, my wife is going to kill me when she finds out I messed up my nicest shirt from dr...

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A guy is out drinking with his friends on his birthday...

...and he ends up ridiculously wasted and throws up all over his shirt.

His friends are laughing, but he looks upset. "I can't go home like this, my wife already thinks I drink too much, she'll be pissed when she sees this..."

His best friend, thinking quickly, tells him to stick a $20...

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Two drunks in a bar

Two drunks are hours into their night when one of them pukes on himself.

"Oh man," he slurs, "my wife is going to kill me, I'm drunk, I'm late, and now I've puked on my shirt."

"No, no, no." His buddy replies. "Here, give me $20."

The first drunk is confused, but hands over th...

A man goes to a bar with his friend after a day of work.

After a couple of beer, the man pukes on his jacket.

Man : Damn, my wife will kill me when she knows I puked on myself for drinking too much!

Friend : Hey, I got an idea.... put a $20 bill in the pocket of your jacket. Tomorrow, when your wife sees the mess, tell her that I puked on yo...

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A man staggers home drunk at 2am to an irate wife.

Man arrives home drunk. He's plowed, staggering, reeking of booze and his shirt is covered in vomit.

"I can't believe you let yourself get like this! Look at your shirt, you've puked all over yourself!"

"No... honey, honeshtly... it washn't me, it was thish other guy who puked on me....

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A guy goes out for some drinks at a bar with a coworker on a Friday night and they get shitfaced...

The guy goes to the bathroom and stumbles back to the bar with puke on his shirt...

"Oh man, my wife ish gonna kill me." he says, "I just puked on my shirt and she's gonna know I was out drinking all night!"

"Don't worry about it," slurs his coworker. "take $20 and put it in your shirt...

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A man goes to see his therapist after an embarrassing incident at a church.

The therapist sits him down and asks what happened. The man groans and says "Well, I was at Costco and I saw they had a massive box of communion wafers. I thought it was funny so I bought it and took it home.

"When I got home I remembered I had a huge box of wine so I grabbed it from the cell...

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As a drunk man is walking home from the bar

He gets sick, leans against a wall and pukes. Some of it gets on his shirt and now the man worries that his wife will know he was a drunk mess tonight. But then he gets a bright idea and puts $20 in his shirt pocket. When he arrives home his wife looks at him and says, "look at you! did you puke on ...

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A married guy goes to the bar…

A married guy goes to the bar, gets drunk out of his mind, and throws up on himself. He turns to a friend and says - “Holy shit, my wife’s gonna be so mad. I’d promised her a year of sobriety and here I am on day 7 all boozed up..”

The friend goes - “Don’t worry, man! I got a trick,” puts a $...

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A guy is sitting in a bar, drinking heavily...

Suddenly he throws up down the front of his shirt and starts sobbing to himself. "What's wrong?", the bartender asks. "I can't go home like this. My wife would rip my head off if she saw me staggering through the door in this state." "Aha!", said the bartender, "here's what you'll do. Put a 20 dolla...

It's closing time at the local pub. As the bartender is putting stools up, a filthy ragged homeless man walks in...

"No free booze!" says the bartender.

"No, all I want is one toothpick." says the homeless man.

The bartender gives him the toothpick and away he goes.

No sooner has the homeless man left, another one shows up.

"What do YOU want?" asks the bartender mopping the floor. ...

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A man is drunk at a bar

After finally deciding to go home to his wife, he promptly vomits all over his shirt. He becomes worried his wife will be angry at him for allowing himself to get so drunk. Thankfully, his friend at the bar comes to his aid;
“Here, take this $10 bill. Tell your wife some guy threw up on your...

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A guy goes to a bar..

A guy calles up his best friend and asks him if he wants to go out for a drink. They both later meet up at a bar and start drinking. After having one too many beers one of the guys goes and throws up on his shirt. He frantically says to his best friend, "my wife is going to kill me if she knew that'...

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A man goes out to meet an old friend.

This friend is his drinking buddy from back in the day when he would get blackout drunk. They meet at a bar, and the man immediately tells his friend that he can't drink.

Man: I can't get drunk like I used to, my wife would kill me.

Friend: Aww come on. It will be just like old times...

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Two guys are getting really drunk at a bar...

...and one of them proceeds to vomit all over his own shirt.

He says to his friend, "Aww man. My wife is going to kill me. She's going to be so pissed that I got so drunk tonight."

His friend says, "Don't worry I have a plan ."

He tucks a $20 bill in the man's shirt pocket an...

A joke my grandpa told me

I was in the army a few years ago i was walking by the medical tent when this guy said he got hi toes blown off by a mine and asked if i wanted to see them i agreed. He took off his boot and i puked everywhere he said what's wrong boy you lack toes intolerant

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Off the wagon

So this guy got sober for his wife...he was doing great...going on two years...one day he gets to work and there’s a pink slip waiting for him...on his way home he walks by his old bar and thinks fuck it...I’m gonna have one drink...he goes in and all his old buddies are there he has one drink and t...

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a toothpick.

The bartender gives him one, and the guy leaves. "Odd, but okay," the bartender thinks.

A minute later, another guy walks into the bar, and asks for a toothpick. Again, the bartender gives him one, and he leaves. "Strange..." the bartender thinks.

A minute later, yet another guy walks ...

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So this man is about to go down to the bar...

...but his wife says: "You're not going to the bar again. Last time you went there you came home with puke all over your shirt!". Husband responds: "Alright, but I really want to meet up with the guys, so I promise, I'm not going to drink anything". The wife's okay with that and lets him go.

...

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First day at medical school..

It was the first day at medical school and all the students gathered around a corpse in a lab next to the professor.

The professor says, "There are two important lessons every person wanting to be a doctor should learn. The first lesson is that you should never feel disgusted about the human ...

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The hangover

A guy wakes up with a horrible hangover after a bender. Can barely open his eyes. Head pounding. Stomach churning.

He looks around, and with some relief realizes that he’s at home, in his bed. There’s a glass of water and two aspirins on his night stand, along with a note from his wife: “Dar...

John went to the pub for some light drinking

He found a few old buddies and ended up drinking late into the night.

When he finally returned home at 3AM, he was expecting to be scolded, beaten and taunted by his wife. He was so drunk he passed out on the sofa.

The next morning he wakes up to find his wife humming tunes happily. Sh...

Old man Harvey was a drinker

He would drink everyday, stumble home each night and vomit in the sink. Mrs. Harvey was tired of finding and cleaning puke in the sink every morning and was telling her neighbor about it.

Her neighbor told her to catch one of the stray cats from around the house and kill it, then put the gut...

New machine at the gym

There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all.

Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.

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A man wakes up in bed after a night of hard boozing...

His first thought is that he's in big trouble with his wife, but she waltzes into the room with a sunshiny grin and hands him a tray loaded with breakfast in bed. While he's eating, she slips under the covers and gives him a deliriously good blowjob.

"I don't get it, honey," the guy says. "I...

The new teacher is asking kids about their parents.

Teacher says "Suzie what does your daddy do?"

Suzie says "My daddy drives a truck."

Teacher says "Mikey what does your daddy do?"

Mikey says "My daddy is an accountant."

Teacher says "Joey what does your daddy do?"

Joey says "My daddy is a police officer."

T...

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The Cleaning Bill

There's a man in a bar and he is incredibly drunk. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He slurs to the bartender, "I'm in shtrouble noaw...when my wife finds out I got sho druhnk I puked on my shirt...she'll khill me!".

The bartender replies, "Don't even worry about it. Here's...

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Two drunk guys

Two drunk guys are sitting on the library steps after long night of drinking, the first drunk has his finger in the other one’s ass. Cop comes along and says “hey what are you guys up to? Why is your finger in your friend’s ass?” The guy says “Well officer, it’s like this, we been out drinking and m...

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Two drunks getting hammered as usual...

And as usual the fist one vomits all over himself. "Goddamnit, my wife's gonna be pissed."

Second Drunk: "Whaterya bellyaching about? You always throw up on yourself."

First Drunk: "Yeah, but this time The Wife says she won't let me in if I smell like vomit anymore." So the Second Drun...

I dinna do it ! Said the drunk man

An Irishman was drinking in a bar. He starts to get up and throws up on a shirt.

" oh no ! Now we wife is gonna know I drank to much"

Guy next to him says "nah your okay. Here's what you do. Put a fiver in your pocket and throw the shirt on the laundry pile. When your wife finds it te...

A long-neck giraffe is eating with a rabbit in the forest

... and then the giraffe brags, "Bet you are really envious of my long neck. When I'm eating, delicious food usually lingers in my throat and oh my, the taste, the scent, that feels really good!"

The rabbit swallows a mouthful real fast and then asks,

"Have you ever puked?"

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Wall Street stockbroker loses millions in one day....

So he decides to go to the bar after work to drown his sorrows. He ends up getting really drunk and pukes all over his suit. He's worried his wife will be pissed when she wakes up the next morning and finds his smelly, vomit soaked clothes. His friend at the bar explains, "Dude, don't worry that ...

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A man is about to leave for a night out

A man was about to leave for a night out with his buddy.


"If you get drunk again," warned his wife, "I'll have your hide."


"Don't worry, honey." said the man, and was on his way.

The man and his buddy had a few beers when the man said "I need to quit drinking. I've had e...

Mac‘n‘cheese

Two men are lost in a desert. They have been walking for days and are absolutely famished. All of a sudden they come across a human corpse lying there.

After some quick thinking the first guy has an idea: „Lets open his stomach, there‘s probably some food in there!“

So he does.. As h...

A man is sitting at home...

It's almost 22:00 and he's watching TV just about to go to bed. As he is heading upstairs, he hears a knock at the door and goes ahead to answer it.

It's a homeless man and the homeless man asks: "Can I please borrow a fork?" The man thinks nothing of it and gets the fork and hands it to the ...

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A man gets drunk at a bar and vomits all over the front of his shirt

He looks up, eyes bleary and bloodshot and says “my wife is gonna kill me, she told me not to drink so much”

The bartender says, “do you have a twenty dollar bill?”

The guy responds, “yeah, but how’s that gonna help me?”

Bartender says “take the twenty, fold it up, put it in you...

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A man goes to a bar

A man goes to a bar one night and gets good and liquored up. towards the end of the night he starts feeling a bit woozy and he pukes all over his shirt.

The man drunkenly turns to the guy next to him and says "Great, now what am I going to do. My wife said she would leave me if I come home d...

Drunk buddies

Two Irish buddies, Paddy and Eamon , were getting very drunk at a bar celebrating St. Patrick’s Day when suddenly Paddy throws up all over himself.

'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'

Eamon says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that some...

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A field guide to corpses

there was a professor at a school that taught morticians how to do their thing during an autopsy. The professor had a pretty slack bunch of students this time and decided to give them a test while they were around the corpse they had to practice on. he told them that to tell in the field how long a ...

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