Tarp Jokes - 20 Hilarious Tarp Jokes

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

Never trust a dyslexic persons tarp..

It could be a trap!

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"

And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"

And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

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It’s hard to have sex with a marine mammal under a tarp,

for all in tents and porpoises.

What do you call the Pentagon with a huge tarp over it?

A Tentagon

If you worked for a tarp company

your unveiling would be a cover up.

Saving people from a burning building

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were caught in a burning building and rushed to the roof to get away from the smoke. Soon, they hear sirens of the fire truck approach and peer over the edge. They see a group of 4 firefighters get out and each grab a hold of a tarp to catch them in.

The b...

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A cucumber , a pickle and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.

The cucumber said : "Man my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."

So the pickle looks at him and says: "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me and sticks me in a jar."
...

So three women escape from a prison, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

They hide under a tarp on a work truck. The security guard is checking the tarp at the gate. He pokes his rifle at the brunette and she goes "meow, meow". He pokes his rifle at the red head and she goes "woof, woof". He pokes his rifle at the blonde and she goes "potato, potato".

How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, hippies screw in sleeping bags and under tarps in the woods

Private, do you see that village?

Yes sir!

I don't want to see it!

Yes sir!

\*Proceeds to throw tarp over commander\*

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An American battleship is on a shore during WWII.

The people on the ship are discussing a plan to destroy a 1000 person Nazi battleship nearby. No one can come up with a good plan, and they're worried the Nazis will attack before them. Just then, the janitor on the ship asked if he could share his plan, and no one objected.

The janitor says,...

Once upon a time a thief scouted out a house and got in through the second floor window

Soon he was stuffing his bag with jewelry but he heard a whisper "Jesus is watching"

He didn't move from the spot he was standing for a couple minutes thinking maybe the houses owner was home but soon he decided it was his imagination

But soon after resuming he heard it again "Jesus ...

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When are all of you people going to understand that the government...

AND companies like Bridgestone, Windsor Salt and Big Shovel are BRAINWASHING you into believing that winter and snow is real thing. It is completely FALSE and made up to KEEP us pinned down in our houses during the winters. I for one am SICK AND TIRED of being told that I need to shovel my driveway ...

I was doing some yard work this weekend...

It was a hot, muggy day, and I had just finished raking the leaves in my yard. I was ready to be done. I pulled out some plastic sheeting to pile the leaves on and dragged them to the curb.

After my chores were done, I took a break and broke out a bottle of liqueur to relax and enjoy the fru...

A farmer was letting his 26 cows graze on a field near his farm with his dog

when suddenly he sees a rain cloud approach. He doesn't want his animals getting soaked or they might end up cold.

He quickly scavenges for a bunch of branches and combines it with a tarp that he brought just for this occasion to build a make shift shelter. He whistles for his dog to herd th...

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One morning eating my breakfast...

Just cereal, i was looking at the missing person part on the milk carton, and i had seen many of these before but some reason this one caught my eye, it read "Lilly, missing 2 weeks blonde hair, blue eyes, always happy". A few days later im sat in my office on the 50th floor and i look out of my win...

A wife finds a bathtub on her kitchen table.

A wife comes home and finds her husband sitting next to a new bathtub on the kitchen table. Shocked, she asks him where it came from.

“Well,” he says. “I went out today to pick up some tiles for our bathroom. So, I walked around the store, looking for the perfect color, when I saw the perfec...

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An Old Hillbilly Goes to Town

There's an old hillbilly that's lived nearly his entire life so far up in Ozarks away from most modern society.

One day he decides to go into town for a change of pace. He's driving his old pickup truck down a main street and spots an antique shop with some nice looking furniture and other t...

To his great surprise, Bob won the largest lottery in history.

Unsure what to do with his newfound fortune, he decided to build the world's biggest ship. It was 10 miles long and 3 miles wide; a floating city. Once the ship was complete, Bob had to hire thousands of people to work on it and make it run properly. He held mass interviews and hired sailors, police...

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