What do you call handicapped kids doing karate?

partial-arts

Then there was the handicapped honors student in our school.

Since kindergarten his dad had given him a quarter and a pat on the head for each A he got. By the time he graduated, he had $500 in the bank and a flat head.

I know many handicapped people with a great sense of humour.

Shame they don't do stand-up comedy.

I hate when they put those handicapped logos on parking spaces

I was gonna park there anyway

What does the handicapped man say to the cops when he’s mistaken for a criminal ?

"Don’t shoot, I’m unarmed."

Why are handicap signs blue?

Because they're all crips.
(Sorry)

It's insensitive to call disabled twins "handicapped"

The correct term is "impaired".

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A cop notices a young fit man pull into a handicap parking spot and approaches him as he is getting out of the car.

“Excuse me sir, what exactly is your disability?”

The man replied, “Tourette’s. Now fuck off asshole.”

I'm going to start a family business that specializes in handicap exclusive parking lots

I'll call it Park n' Sons

a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally

“you will be toad”

When playing a game against a less skilled player, it’s considered fair to give them a handicap.

That’s why I always break my opponent’s kneecaps before a game of Monopoly

To the handicap guy who stole my bag

You can hide, but you can’t run

The stupid criminal hall of shame.

STUPID-CRIMINAL HALL OF SHAM:

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene a...

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A trio of golfers are waiting for their fourth at the course one morning, when he calls and tells them he can't come.

Turns out his pregnant wife has been put on bed rest effective immediately, and he will have to be around her 24/7 until the baby is born in two months. The other three wish him and his wife well, then discuss whether or not to play without him, when an attractive woman in her mid-30s, carrying a b...

Handicapped man was next on stage....

For his standup

As a handicapped person, I’ll always defend my parking spot

The time I’ve let other people run over me is past

I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl

Momma always taught me to eat my vegetables.

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again "W...

I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay earlier...

I couldn't help but wonder, what his handicap was.

My buddy was in a motorcycle accident and lost half his foot. So now he's handicapped. He's still the same guy, but I just can't hang out with him anymore. So I realized something important about myself.

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar

And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"

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The golfer and the wee little man

A guy stands on the first tee on a beautiful Irish morning. It's a little par three but he still manages to slice it into the bush. Then he hears it hit something followed by a moan. Rushing into the woods he finds a wee little man dressed in green sprawled on the grass. He splashes water on the ...

A handicapped kid wants to be an astronaut.

Because he has spacial needs.

What do you call a hole that handicaps people?

Crippling depression

Muslim Handicapped Man Devil Stoning At Hajj

A Paraplegic, one eye blind, one arm disabled and deaf muslim man goes to Hajj. During stoning of Devil;
Devil asks: What happened to your legs?
Man answers: It's work of Allah.
D: What happened to your arm?
M: It's work of Allah.
D: What happened to your ear?
M: It's w...

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.



Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they p...

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A man parks his car in a 'disabled parking' spot when a traffic policeman shows up.

'Well well well sir,' says the policeman while getting his coupon book 'what is your handicap that allows you to park here?'

After a brief moment of thinking the man awnsers: 'Tourette's sydrome, Cocksucker!'

Handicap

An American, a German, and an Arab meet in a bar and after a few drinks start bragging about their families.

The American says “one more kid and I have an entire Basketball team.”

Replies the German “ one more kid and I’ve got an entire soccer team.”

The Arab bursts out laugh...

What do you call a handicapped Spanish demon?

El Disablo

What did the handicapped person say about his prosthetic arms?

These come in handy.

I played golf yesterday, and saw a guy in a wheelchair on the course.

I asked him what his handicap was.

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What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?

My dick.

I always park in handicapped spaces at the hospital

Just to test their patients

I got into a debate with a handicapped man today...

Apparently it didn't help my case when I told him he didn't have a leg to stand on...

I've started dating this girl with a small handicap.

She's the greatest! She's smart, funny, beautiful in her own special way and so loving it eaves me at a lack of words.


She has a small issue, after a car crash, she suffered some brain damage and has no short-term memory. It's kind of like that movie "memento", you might have seen it. We'...

Someone made a post offending handicapped people, but I didn’t reply.

The comments were disabled.

What do you call a handicap sticker in Oklahoma?

A high school diploma.

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I know two guys named Lee.

One time they got into a fight and I just barely witnessed the handicapped one ram his head into the confident one.

I saw slow Lee butt sure Lee.

I once called the cops on an asshat who parked in a handicap spot...

They came to check it out, found he had priors and warrants. They took him off to jail right after they figured out what to do with his wheelchair.

There's a special place in hell for able-bodied people who park in handicapped spaces

and it's right up front

What do you call it when a Greek handicap falls over?

Olympus has fallen.

What did the deaf, blind, mute, handicapped kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.

Handicapped jokes are so cruel

I can't stand them!!

I went to Walmart today

I went to Walmart today, and I was there for literally 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the tick...

A man was giving a talk to a small group of handicapped individuals...

He instructed them it was important to take pride in their condition. So that they could feel in control of their life, and take power away from the people who would try to use their condition against them.

At the end of his talk, the group buzzed with general agreement.

Eager to start...

Did you guys know that handicapped people were mentioned in the beginning of the bible?

Cain's family was dis-Abel'd.

I used to work at a nursing home full of handicapped people

But I quit, because I could not stand them.

What do slinkies and the handicapped have in common?

They are the most fun when pushed down a flight of stairs.

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I'm starting a new charity where homosexuals help the extreme handicapped.

I'm calling it "Fruits and Vegetables"

Jokes about the handicapped aren't funny

No one knows what it's like to not walk a mile in their shoes.

A frog parked his car in the handicapped spot.

It got toad.

A Chinese girl parked in a handicap space...

And continues onto the shops, unaware she accidentally parked in the handicap space. Coming back to her car, she sees a ticket inspector writing a bunch of tickets. She has a lot of groceries an is hurried in putting them away. The parking inspector takes one look at her, says 'carry on and have a n...

[Request] a joke about a man and his wife shopping, but the girl is handicapped or something. Saw on reddit a while ago. I can't find it now.

One of my old favorite jokes. Some story about how man doesn't take her wife shopping for shoes and its not known that the woman is in a wheelchair until the punchline.

I forget it, and it bothers me, because I remember loving it.

Anyone know?

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So this guy decides to take off work to go golfing.

So he's there on the Green, about to head his ball, when he hears, "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

He looks down and there's a little frog next to his foot. "What did you say, little frog?"

And the frog repeats. "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

So the man shrugs, figures what the hell, switches cl...

This one might be a little non-PC, but...

What would an anti-mentally-handicapped people protester group would yell?


"DOWN WITH TOURETTE!"

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A lifeguard sees a physically handicapped child come up to the public pool.

So the lifeguard gets ready to jump in and make a rescue as he sees the kid clumsily put down his towel to go for a swim.


As soon as the handicapped boy touches the water, he starts swimming with athletic ease. Going one lap crawl, the other butterfly, back and forth , back and forth.
...

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For women, having sex is like buying a mew car.

They ask basically the same questions:
-Is it loyal?
-Is it worth it?
-Is it good?
-Is it gonna kill me?

But for men it’s like finding a parking spot:
-It’s open, why not
-I have to pay? Nevermind I’m out
-It’s handicap? A quick one then I’m going out

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The handicapped parrot

Danny walks into a pet store looking for a bird. After a half hour of fruitless searching, he hears a voice call out to him "Hey mister, I see you've been looking for a bird eh?" Danny turns around and to his surprise, he sees it was a parrot hailing him. Danny says "You can talk?" The parrot says "...

Two guys were born on the same day

...so they made a tradition to eat dinner together every year on their birthday. When they turned 21 one of them said, "Why don't we go to the Sunset Grill? It has strong drinks and a beautiful view of the ocean." The other agreed and they had dinner.

When they turned 30, one said, "let's go ...

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Because the clockwork in the clock tower was being repaired, Big Ben wasn't tolling the hour...

Well, Parliament put an advertisement in the newspaper for someone to ring the bell on the hour.

The first fellow to show up for the position had no arms. In the interview, they asked "How can you hit Big Ben with the striker if you have no arms?"

Not to be stopped by his handicap, h...

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Favorite Joke by Dad Verbatim

A joke my dad told 30 years ago:

A handicapped guy with a hair lip goes looking for a job. He comes across a toothbrush company and applies for a job. The manager looks at him and says "we sell toothbrushes here, do you think you can do that?"

"Yeth thir, I'll dooo my best." Guy goes...

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A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off.

Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The...

I parked in three different handicap parking spots last week. No ticket, and no dirty looks.

Apparently the "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" bumper sticker is accepted nation wide now.

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Saw a truck with a 12" lift and handicap plates

Didn't realize having a small dick was a vehicular handicap

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks

. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."

Quasimodo needed a sub bell ringer...

Put an ad in the paper. No one showed up for weeks.
Finally a knock on the door.
Guy standing there with no arms.
Quasi is incredulous, doesn’t think he can do it.
Guy begs..”c’mon Quasi, give me a chance...as a handicapped person yourself, you know how hard it is to find work”
Quasim...

Women are a bit like parking spaces

Normally all the good ones are taken but sometimes, when no one’s looking, you just gotta stick it into a handicapped one.

Girls night out

A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and...

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Well....I'm at the emergency room

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I decided to go ride a horse. The horse made a sudden jerk and reared up, and I couldn't hold on. I fell off, and my foot got caught in the stirrup. The horse kept bucking and running, and was dragging me and wouldn't stop. Thank goodness the manager of the groce...

Got in trouble at school for this joke

So I'm in class and were doing civil rights and the teacher says to the class "so who can't walk freely in some community's" and i say back "handicap people".......Got a week of detention.

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A mom and dad read their son’s browsing history

On it, they find that the son had been watching porn featuring mentally handicapped people.

The mom says “This is disgusting, I don’t even know what you would call this.”

The dad says “Yeah, it’s just fucking stupid.”

Whose going to know?

There was a pastor at a local church who loved to golf, he would try to golf as much as possible whenever he could. He would always watch out for the weather to check if there were any days for golfing.

Now, it so happened that one of the days was the coming Sunday. So, the pastor called in s...

What did the mentally handicapped kid get on his math test?

Drool

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A very fit, attractive man is jogging along the beach one morning...

...and he comes across a old, handicapped woman in a wheelchair, sobbing.


The man stops, and with concern in his voice, politely asks the woman what’s the matter.


She waves him off, but he insists. He wants to help.


“Well, it’s just that I’m an old woman in a whee...

German Baby Joke I saw on QI

A British couple decided to adopt a German baby. They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless.
Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Str...

My friend always has a spare cap in his backpack, just in case you need it...

He has a handicap

What's the advantage of having a blonde with you in a car?

You can park in a handicap spot.

Tiger and Stevie Wonder are in a bar

Tiger turns to Stevie and asks, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie: Not bad. How's the golf?

Tiger: Not bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now.

Stevie: I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a wh...

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The old rooster

In the farm, all the chickens gathered around the new rooster. He had arrived on the farm in the morning, and was looking at himself proudly as the old rooster of the farm (the only other male of the species in the vicinity) came to him.

The old rooster said, "See, boy, this is my farm. I cha...

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15 Best Two-Line Jokes

1. Parallel lines have so much in common
It's a shame they'll never meet

2. My wife accused me of being immature
I told her to get out of my fort

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor

4. How many Germans do...

This is a joke I heard back in 2000

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wan...

Do you know why my Dad hangs a hat from his rear view mirror?

To prove he has a handicap.

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Interview for a government job on a seat for disabled people

Interviewer: Your resume is very impressive, though what is your handicap?

Guy: I lost my balls in a bomb blast.

Interviewer: Ok. You've been selected. Working hours will be from 9am to 5pm. Make sure you're here at 11am sharp everyday.

Puzzled, the guy asks: Why 11, when the w...

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Handicap jokes are getting old

And quite honestly, they're lame as fuck.

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