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Favorite Joke by Dad Verbatim

A joke my dad told 30 years ago:

A handicapped guy with a hair lip goes looking for a job. He comes across a toothbrush company and applies for a job. The manager looks at him and says "we sell toothbrushes here, do you think you can do that?"

"Yeth thir, I'll dooo my best." Guy goes...

The two friends and Hooters

Two men, Kyle and Irish, grew up together, but after college Kyle moved to Maryland and Irish to Texas. They agreed to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they met, finished their round of golf and headed for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"...

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Because the clockwork in the clock tower was being repaired, Big Ben wasn't tolling the hour...

Well, Parliament put an advertisement in the newspaper for someone to ring the bell on the hour.

The first fellow to show up for the position had no arms. In the interview, they asked "How can you hit Big Ben with the striker if you have no arms?"

Not to be stopped by his handicap, h...

What does the handicapped man say to the cops when he’s mistaken for a criminal ?

"Don’t shoot, I’m unarmed."

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For women, having sex is like buying a mew car.

They ask basically the same questions:
-Is it loyal?
-Is it worth it?
-Is it good?
-Is it gonna kill me?

But for men it’s like finding a parking spot:
-It’s open, why not
-I have to pay? Nevermind I’m out
-It’s handicap? A quick one then I’m going out

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Sex and parking are pretty similar

"handicapped? Hope no one sees me"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks

. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."

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Well....I'm at the emergency room

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I decided to go ride a horse. The horse made a sudden jerk and reared up, and I couldn't hold on. I fell off, and my foot got caught in the stirrup. The horse kept bucking and running, and was dragging me and wouldn't stop. Thank goodness the manager of the groce...

My buddy was in a motorcycle accident and lost half his foot. So now he's handicapped. He's still the same guy, but I just can't hang out with him anymore. So I realized something important about myself.

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

What do you call handicapped kids doing karate?

partial-arts

To the handicapped person who stole my camouflage jacket

You can hide, but you can't run!

how time flys

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives ...

Men are like parking spots.

The good ones are taken and the only ones left are handicapped.

It's insensitive to call disabled twins "handicapped"

The correct term is "impaired".

Got in trouble at school for this joke

So I'm in class and were doing civil rights and the teacher says to the class "so who can't walk freely in some community's" and i say back "handicap people".......Got a week of detention.

I went to Walmart today and I was there for literally 5 minutes....

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and sta...

Whose going to know?

There was a pastor at a local church who loved to golf, he would try to golf as much as possible whenever he could. He would always watch out for the weather to check if there were any days for golfing.

Now, it so happened that one of the days was the coming Sunday. So, the pastor called in s...

Handicap

An American, a German, and an Arab meet in a bar and after a few drinks start bragging about their families.

The American says β€œone more kid and I have an entire Basketball team.”

Replies the German β€œ one more kid and I’ve got an entire soccer team.”

The Arab bursts out laugh...

What do you call a hat with no legs?

Handicap

What did the handicapped person say about his prosthetic arms?

These come in handy.

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A mom and dad read their son’s browsing history

On it, they find that the son had been watching porn featuring mentally handicapped people.

The mom says β€œThis is disgusting, I don’t even know what you would call this.”

The dad says β€œYeah, it’s just fucking stupid.”

As a handicapped person, I’ll always defend my parking spot

The time I’ve let other people run over me is past

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a ...

A handicapped kid wants to be an astronaut.

Because he has spacial needs.

Muslim Handicapped Man Devil Stoning At Hajj

A Paraplegic, one eye blind, one arm disabled and deaf muslim man goes to Hajj. During stoning of Devil;
Devil asks: What happened to your legs?
Man answers: It's work of Allah.
D: What happened to your arm?
M: It's work of Allah.
D: What happened to your ear?
M: It's w...

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A cop notices a young fit man pull into a handicap parking spot and approaches him as he is getting out of the car.

β€œExcuse me sir, what exactly is your disability?”

The man replied, β€œTourette’s. Now fuck off asshole.”

I know many handicapped people with a great sense of humour.

Shame they don't do stand-up comedy.

What's the advantage of having a blonde with you in a car?

You can park in a handicap spot.

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A very fit, attractive man is jogging along the beach one morning...

...and he comes across a old, handicapped woman in a wheelchair, sobbing.


The man stops, and with concern in his voice, politely asks the woman what’s the matter.


She waves him off, but he insists. He wants to help.


β€œWell, it’s just that I’m an old woman in a whee...

Do you know why my Dad hangs a hat from his rear view mirror?

To prove he has a handicap.

What do you call a handicapped Spanish demon?

El Disablo

A man is driving home with his wife and the dog.

After some time he sees a frog in the middle of the road. He stops the car, gets the frog and puts him in the grass near by the road.

Suddenly the frog starts to speak: "Today is your lucky day, im a magic frog and you were so kind to me that i grant you one wish."
The man says:...

Tiger and Stevie Wonder are in a bar

Tiger turns to Stevie and asks, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie: Not bad. How's the golf?

Tiger: Not bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now.

Stevie: I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a wh...

Someone made a post offending handicapped people, but I didn’t reply.

The comments were disabled.

Why are handicap signs blue?

Because they're all crips.
(Sorry)

What do you call a hole that handicaps people?

Crippling depression

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Interview for a government job on a seat for disabled people

Interviewer: Your resume is very impressive, though what is your handicap?

Guy: I lost my balls in a bomb blast.

Interviewer: Ok. You've been selected. Working hours will be from 9am to 5pm. Make sure you're here at 11am sharp everyday.

Puzzled, the guy asks: Why 11, when the w...

I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl

Momma always taught me to eat my vegetables.

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

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Old Rooster

In the farm, all the chickens gathered around the new rooster. He had arrived on the farm in the morning, and was looking at himself proudly as the old rooster of the farm - the only other male of the species in the vicinity - came to him.

The old rooster said, "See, boy, this is my farm. I c...

Stairway to Heaven

A very sad song for the handicapped.

What do you call a handicap sticker in Oklahoma?

A high school diploma.

I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay today...

**I thought to myself, 'I wonder what his handicap is?'**

Did you guys know that handicapped people were mentioned in the beginning of the bible?

Cain's family was dis-Abel'd.

A man was giving a talk to a small group of handicapped individuals...

He instructed them it was important to take pride in their condition. So that they could feel in control of their life, and take power away from the people who would try to use their condition against them.

At the end of his talk, the group buzzed with general agreement.

Eager to start...

I always park in handicapped spaces at the hospital

Just to test their patients

What is better than winning 1st place in the special olympics?

Not being handicapped

Why do University of Alabama graduates place their diplomas on their rear-view mirrors?

So they can park in handicap spots.

I once called the cops on an asshat who parked in a handicap spot...

They came to check it out, found he had priors and warrants. They took him off to jail right after they figured out what to do with his wheelchair.

If you're ever in a hurry...

Put your fidget spinner on your dash, then just use the handicapped parking.

I've been struggling trying to date women lately...

I've been struggling to find women to date recently so I decided i'd try my luck at handicapped women, she was in a wheel chair.

I stood her up, which lead to her falling for me, and now it has become quite the drag, but things are rollin' now.

Hans Grapje was raised

in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.


Β 
Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplai...

Barack Obama was out jogging one day...

When he tripped, and fell over a bridge railing and landed in the river below. Before secret service could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted in return for saving his life. The first kid said, "I want to go to ...

What has two eyes but can't see?

A visually handicapped person.

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You can't say America isn't inclusive and progressive

The Current president is a black man and latest election was between a female and a mentally handicapped person.

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Parrot with no legs

A man suspected that his wife was cheating on him, but he could not find time to prove it since they worked opposite shifts. He soon came up with the idea to get a talking Parrot and hide it in the closet of the bedroom while he was gone.

He went to the local pet store and the clerk said "we ...

One day bush went jogging...

One day Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, β€œBoys, you saved the...

I took my grandfather to the mall the other day

While circling the lot trying to find a place to park, he said out of nowhere "These spots are like the women my age"
I looked at him blankly.
"They're all taken or handicapped!"

I played golf with a guy in a wheelchair today

He must not play much judging by the silence I was met with when I asked him what his handicap is.

Parking spot

Today I had to go to Lowe's. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a female driver looking for a parking space. I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available.

The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped!" Well...

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Golf Truisims

* Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

* Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during
your swing.

* When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either use
one more club or two more balls.

* If you're afraid a ful...

My daughter came home from school with an assignment that asked to to finish the phrase, "I have a dream..." this is what she came up with.

I have a dream...

That one day handicap people will be able to park wherever they want to.

A guy in a wheelchair sped over my foot.

"You better watch where you're going next time." I told him.

He said, "I'm handicapped, you can't do anything."

I said, "No, you're handicapped, you can't do anything."

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