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A cop notices a young fit man pull into a handicap parking spot and approaches him as he is getting out of the car.

β€œExcuse me sir, what exactly is your disability?”

The man replied, β€œTourette’s. Now fuck off asshole.”

What do you call handicapped kids doing karate?

partial-arts

I went to Walmart today

I went to Walmart today, and I was there for literally 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the tick...

Handicap-able doesn’t seem right

Hardlycap-able sounds better

What does the handicapped man say to the cops when he’s mistaken for a criminal ?

"Don’t shoot, I’m unarmed."

Why are handicap signs blue?

Because they're all crips.
(Sorry)

A handicapped kid wants to be an astronaut.

Because he has spacial needs.

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Favorite Joke by Dad Verbatim

A joke my dad told 30 years ago:

A handicapped guy with a hair lip goes looking for a job. He comes across a toothbrush company and applies for a job. The manager looks at him and says "we sell toothbrushes here, do you think you can do that?"

"Yeth thir, I'll dooo my best." Guy goes...

Someone made a post offending handicapped people, but I didn’t reply.

The comments were disabled.

It's insensitive to call disabled twins "handicapped"

The correct term is "impaired".

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For women, having sex is like buying a mew car.

They ask basically the same questions:
-Is it loyal?
-Is it worth it?
-Is it good?
-Is it gonna kill me?

But for men it’s like finding a parking spot:
-It’s open, why not
-I have to pay? Nevermind I’m out
-It’s handicap? A quick one then I’m going out

To the handicapped person who stole my camouflage jacket

You can hide, but you can't run!

I know many handicapped people with a great sense of humour.

Shame they don't do stand-up comedy.

My buddy was in a motorcycle accident and lost half his foot. So now he's handicapped. He's still the same guy, but I just can't hang out with him anymore. So I realized something important about myself.

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

Handicap

An American, a German, and an Arab meet in a bar and after a few drinks start bragging about their families.

The American says β€œone more kid and I have an entire Basketball team.”

Replies the German β€œ one more kid and I’ve got an entire soccer team.”

The Arab bursts out laugh...

What do you call a hole that handicaps people?

Crippling depression

What did the handicapped person say about his prosthetic arms?

These come in handy.

What do you call a handicapped Spanish demon?

El Disablo

As a handicapped person, I’ll always defend my parking spot

The time I’ve let other people run over me is past

Muslim Handicapped Man Devil Stoning At Hajj

A Paraplegic, one eye blind, one arm disabled and deaf muslim man goes to Hajj. During stoning of Devil;
Devil asks: What happened to your legs?
Man answers: It's work of Allah.
D: What happened to your arm?
M: It's work of Allah.
D: What happened to your ear?
M: It's w...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks

. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."

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Sex and parking are pretty similar

"handicapped? Hope no one sees me"

What do you call a handicap sticker in Oklahoma?

A high school diploma.

A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar

And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"

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Well....I'm at the emergency room

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I decided to go ride a horse. The horse made a sudden jerk and reared up, and I couldn't hold on. I fell off, and my foot got caught in the stirrup. The horse kept bucking and running, and was dragging me and wouldn't stop. Thank goodness the manager of the groce...

Hooters

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to
play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hoo...

Did you guys know that handicapped people were mentioned in the beginning of the bible?

Cain's family was dis-Abel'd.

I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl

Momma always taught me to eat my vegetables.

I always park in handicapped spaces at the hospital

Just to test their patients

I once called the cops on an asshat who parked in a handicap spot...

They came to check it out, found he had priors and warrants. They took him off to jail right after they figured out what to do with his wheelchair.

how time flys

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives ...

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What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?

My dick.

Men are like parking spots.

The good ones are taken and the only ones left are handicapped.

I used to work at a nursing home full of handicapped people

But I quit, because I could not stand them.

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a ...

A Chinese girl parked in a handicap space...

And continues onto the shops, unaware she accidentally parked in the handicap space. Coming back to her car, she sees a ticket inspector writing a bunch of tickets. She has a lot of groceries an is hurried in putting them away. The parking inspector takes one look at her, says 'carry on and have a n...

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The handicapped parrot

Danny walks into a pet store looking for a bird. After a half hour of fruitless searching, he hears a voice call out to him "Hey mister, I see you've been looking for a bird eh?" Danny turns around and to his surprise, he sees it was a parrot hailing him. Danny says "You can talk?" The parrot says "...

I got into a debate with a handicapped man today...

Apparently it didn't help my case when I told him he didn't have a leg to stand on...

HANDICAPPED PARKING AT HOME DEPOT

Why do we need 24 handicapped parking spaces at Home Depot? Could we just talk about this? If a guy can spackle his bathroom, lay pipe and put up gutters, don't you think you can walk the extra 30 feet to the parking lot?

Got in trouble at school for this joke

So I'm in class and were doing civil rights and the teacher says to the class "so who can't walk freely in some community's" and i say back "handicap people".......Got a week of detention.

I've started dating this girl with a small handicap.

She's the greatest! She's smart, funny, beautiful in her own special way and so loving it eaves me at a lack of words.


She has a small issue, after a car crash, she suffered some brain damage and has no short-term memory. It's kind of like that movie "memento", you might have seen it. We'...

Jokes about the handicapped aren't funny

No one knows what it's like to not walk a mile in their shoes.

What do you call it when a Greek handicap falls over?

Olympus has fallen.

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A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off.

Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The...

A frog parked his car in the handicapped spot.

It got toad.

What did the deaf, blind, mute, handicapped kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.

I parked in three different handicap parking spots last week. No ticket, and no dirty looks.

Apparently the "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" bumper sticker is accepted nation wide now.

[Request] a joke about a man and his wife shopping, but the girl is handicapped or something. Saw on reddit a while ago. I can't find it now.

One of my old favorite jokes. Some story about how man doesn't take her wife shopping for shoes and its not known that the woman is in a wheelchair until the punchline.

I forget it, and it bothers me, because I remember loving it.

Anyone know?

Handicapped jokes are so cruel

I can't stand them!!

Whose going to know?

There was a pastor at a local church who loved to golf, he would try to golf as much as possible whenever he could. He would always watch out for the weather to check if there were any days for golfing.

Now, it so happened that one of the days was the coming Sunday. So, the pastor called in s...

My friend always has a spare cap in his backpack, just in case you need it...

He has a handicap

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A mom and dad read their son’s browsing history

On it, they find that the son had been watching porn featuring mentally handicapped people.

The mom says β€œThis is disgusting, I don’t even know what you would call this.”

The dad says β€œYeah, it’s just fucking stupid.”

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I'm starting a new charity where homosexuals help the extreme handicapped.

I'm calling it "Fruits and Vegetables"

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A very fit, attractive man is jogging along the beach one morning...

...and he comes across a old, handicapped woman in a wheelchair, sobbing.


The man stops, and with concern in his voice, politely asks the woman what’s the matter.


She waves him off, but he insists. He wants to help.


β€œWell, it’s just that I’m an old woman in a whee...

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

What's the advantage of having a blonde with you in a car?

You can park in a handicap spot.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A lifeguard sees a physically handicapped child come up to the public pool.

So the lifeguard gets ready to jump in and make a rescue as he sees the kid clumsily put down his towel to go for a swim.


As soon as the handicapped boy touches the water, he starts swimming with athletic ease. Going one lap crawl, the other butterfly, back and forth , back and forth.
...

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Saw a truck with a 12" lift and handicap plates

Didn't realize having a small dick was a vehicular handicap

What did the mentally handicapped kid get on his math test?

Drool

Do you know why my Dad hangs a hat from his rear view mirror?

To prove he has a handicap.

I was at a McDonalds

where I saw a morbidly obese girl making fun of a clearly handicapped boy. Being the guy I was, I scolded her for it.

Me: why are you making fun of him? Any one of us could've been like that. God gave him that handicap, you shouldn't make fun of him.

Girl: yeah but God gave me a mouth ...

Stairway to Heaven

A very sad song for the handicapped.

A British couple decided to adopt a German baby.

They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless. Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Strudle, and said "It is a little tepid."

His pa...

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Old Rooster

In the farm, all the chickens gathered around the new rooster. He had arrived on the farm in the morning, and was looking at himself proudly as the old rooster of the farm - the only other male of the species in the vicinity - came to him.

The old rooster said, "See, boy, this is my farm. I c...

A man is driving home with his wife and the dog.

After some time he sees a frog in the middle of the road. He stops the car, gets the frog and puts him in the grass near by the road.

Suddenly the frog starts to speak: "Today is your lucky day, im a magic frog and you were so kind to me that i grant you one wish."
The man says:...

Tiger and Stevie Wonder are in a bar

Tiger turns to Stevie and asks, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie: Not bad. How's the golf?

Tiger: Not bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now.

Stevie: I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a wh...

I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay today...

**I thought to myself, 'I wonder what his handicap is?'**

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Interview for a government job on a seat for disabled people

Interviewer: Your resume is very impressive, though what is your handicap?

Guy: I lost my balls in a bomb blast.

Interviewer: Ok. You've been selected. Working hours will be from 9am to 5pm. Make sure you're here at 11am sharp everyday.

Puzzled, the guy asks: Why 11, when the w...

This is a joke I heard back in 2000

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wan...

Why isn't there golf in the Paralympics?

Because it would be really awkward asking what their handicap was.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

15 Best Two-Line Jokes

1. Parallel lines have so much in common
It's a shame they'll never meet

2. My wife accused me of being immature
I told her to get out of my fort

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor

4. How many Germans do...

B'dum tsss

A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.

**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.

1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you c...

A boy just saved Donald Trump's life.

And Trump says he can have anything he wants.

The boy asks for a wheelchair ramp for his family's van, and unlimited access to handicapped parking.

Trump asks the boy if this is for his mom or his dad.

The boy says that it's for him.

"But kid, you're not in a wheelchair....

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Lady Golfer NSFW

Jerry asks the clubhouse barman if there is anyone available to join him for a round of golf. The barman says "Only that lady over there, Susan" Jerry is a little reluctant to play with a woman but the barman assures him that she's quite good in fact she plays off the same 9 handicap as him. They pl...

What is better than winning 1st place in the special olympics?

Not being handicapped

A man in a wheechair is playing golf...

His caddy walks up and says "Hello sir! What is your handicap?"

Four musicians and a drummer walk into a bar. (Drummer jokes!)

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
*The knocking speeds up and he doesn't know where to come in.*

How do you get the drummer away from your door?
*Pay for the pizza.*

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
*Gifted.*

Why did the bassist keep drumstick...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Handicap jokes are getting old

And quite honestly, they're lame as fuck.

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