UPJOKE
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What do you call handicapped kids doing karate?

partial-arts

I know many handicapped people with a great sense of humour.

Shame they don't do stand-up comedy.

Why are handicap signs blue?

Because they're all crips.
(Sorry)

What does the handicapped man say to the cops when he’s mistaken for a criminal ?

"Don’t shoot, I’m unarmed."

What did the blind, deaf, mentally handicapped orphan get for Christmas?

Cancer.

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A cop notices a young fit man pull into a handicap parking spot and approaches him as he is getting out of the car.

“Excuse me sir, what exactly is your disability?”

The man replied, “Tourette’s. Now fuck off asshole.”

Jokes about the handicapped aren't funny

No one knows what it's like to not walk a mile in their shoes.

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face...

Someone made a post offending handicapped people, but I didn’t reply.

The comments were disabled.

I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl

Momma always taught me to eat my vegetables.

As a handicapped person, I’ll always defend my parking spot

The time I’ve let other people run over me is past

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What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?

My dick.

I always park in handicapped spaces at the hospital

Just to test their patients

Handicapped jokes are so cruel

I can't stand them!!

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I'm starting a new charity where homosexuals help the extreme handicapped.

I'm calling it "Fruits and Vegetables"

What do you call a mentally handicapped bakery?

We tart it.

What do you call a handicapped Spanish demon?

El Disablo

To the handicap guy who stole my bag

You can hide, but you can’t run

Then there was the handicapped honors student in our school.

Since kindergarten his dad had given him a quarter and a pat on the head for each A he got. By the time he graduated, he had $500 in the bank and a flat head.

My buddy was in a motorcycle accident and lost half his foot. So now he's handicapped. He's still the same guy, but I just can't hang out with him anymore. So I realized something important about myself.

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

What do you call a hole that handicaps people?

Crippling depression

I fined a man £250 after he parked in a handicapped zone.

He was never going to catch me in his wheelchair.

I'm going to start a family business that specializes in handicap exclusive parking lots

I'll call it Park n' Sons

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Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

To the handicapped person who stole my camouflage jacket

You can hide, but you can't run!

Muslim Handicapped Man Devil Stoning At Hajj

A Paraplegic, one eye blind, one arm disabled and deaf muslim man goes to Hajj. During stoning of Devil;
Devil asks: What happened to your legs?
Man answers: It's work of Allah.
D: What happened to your arm?
M: It's work of Allah.
D: What happened to your ear?
M: It's w...

A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar

And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"

a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally

“you will be toad”

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A man parks his car in a 'disabled parking' spot when a traffic policeman shows up.

'Well well well sir,' says the policeman while getting his coupon book 'what is your handicap that allows you to park here?'

After a brief moment of thinking the man awnsers: 'Tourette's sydrome, Cocksucker!'

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tel...

Watched a video about handicaps

Strangely the comments weren't disabled

When playing a game against a less skilled player, it’s considered fair to give them a handicap.

That’s why I always break my opponent’s kneecaps before a game of Monopoly

A handicapped kid wants to be an astronaut.

Because he has spacial needs.

What did the handicapped person say about his prosthetic arms?

These come in handy.

What did the mentally handicapped kid get on his math test?

Drool

What do you call a group of handicapped potheads?

The Rolling Stoners

A woman got a job at a horseback riding academy

One day, she was appointed to give a tour to one of the schools' wealthiest donors.

The donor in question was an old man; his eyes were failing but despite that handicap he was impressed with the academy developments.

When they reached the stable to examine the horses, she took him fi...

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I played golf with Steven Hawking

He was shit. He lied about his handicap.

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Most women I know look at sex like driving a car.

“Is it safe? Is it reliable? Could it kill me?”

But most men I know look at sex like *parking* a car.

“There’s a spot…there’s another spot. Oh, I have to pay? Never mind. Handicapped? I hope no one sees *this*!”

What do you call a handicap sticker in Oklahoma?

A high school diploma.

Handicapped man was next on stage....

For his standup

I once called the cops on an asshat who parked in a handicap spot...

They came to check it out, found he had priors and warrants. They took him off to jail right after they figured out what to do with his wheelchair.

Did you guys know that handicapped people were mentioned in the beginning of the bible?

Cain's family was dis-Abel'd.

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So I was at the golf course the other day for a quick 18 but i got stuck behind this guy who was slicing his tee shot or just missing the ball entirely, but he wouldn't wave me past. I tells ya by the fourth hole I was getting pissed off and joked "geez mate what's your handicap?"

"I'm blind" he says

I got into a debate with a handicapped man today...

Apparently it didn't help my case when I told him he didn't have a leg to stand on...

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A lifeguard sees a physically handicapped child come up to the public pool.

So the lifeguard gets ready to jump in and make a rescue as he sees the kid clumsily put down his towel to go for a swim.


As soon as the handicapped boy touches the water, he starts swimming with athletic ease. Going one lap crawl, the other butterfly, back and forth , back and forth.
...

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A daughter takes her old father to a retirement home

A daughter takes her old father in a wheelchair to a retirement home for the first time. The nurse, expecting their arrival, greets them with, "Welcome to the Johnson family retirement home! We think you'll feel quite at home here! Please follow me and I'll show you around." The nurse pushes the...

Last week I was invited to play in a golf tournament

At first I said, 'Naaahhh....' Then they said to me, 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.' Then I thought......... Damn -- I could win this thing!!!

Got in trouble at school for this joke

So I'm in class and were doing civil rights and the teacher says to the class "so who can't walk freely in some community's" and i say back "handicap people".......Got a week of detention.

Two single people met up on handicap singles night after having no luck in years...

The man had a wooden peg leg, and the woman has a wooden eye. After finally getting up the courage, the woman asks the man if he would like to dance.

“Would I? Would I?” he yells excitedly.

In complete disgust, she yells back, “Peg Leg! Peg Leg!”

I've started dating this girl with a small handicap.

She's the greatest! She's smart, funny, beautiful in her own special way and so loving it eaves me at a lack of words.


She has a small issue, after a car crash, she suffered some brain damage and has no short-term memory. It's kind of like that movie "memento", you might have seen it. We'...

A frog parked his car in the handicapped spot.

It got toad.

Golf

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?"

Nicklaus replies, "No...

What do you call it when a Greek handicap falls over?

Olympus has fallen.

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For women, having sex is like buying a mew car.

They ask basically the same questions:
-Is it loyal?
-Is it worth it?
-Is it good?
-Is it gonna kill me?

But for men it’s like finding a parking spot:
-It’s open, why not
-I have to pay? Nevermind I’m out
-It’s handicap? A quick one then I’m going out

A guy got very upset with me because I was looking over his shoulder reading the article he was reading on his phone.

I said "Relax... there's plenty of room in this handicapped stall for the both of us."

The worst part about Tiger Wood's driving

is that it's probably going to add to his handicap.

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A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off.

Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The...

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The handicapped parrot

Danny walks into a pet store looking for a bird. After a half hour of fruitless searching, he hears a voice call out to him "Hey mister, I see you've been looking for a bird eh?" Danny turns around and to his surprise, he sees it was a parrot hailing him. Danny says "You can talk?" The parrot says "...

What do slinkies and the handicapped have in common?

They are the most fun when pushed down a flight of stairs.

Women are like parking spots

The best ones are always taken and all that are left are either paying or handicapped

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

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So this guy decides to take off work to go golfing.

So he's there on the Green, about to head his ball, when he hears, "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

He looks down and there's a little frog next to his foot. "What did you say, little frog?"

And the frog repeats. "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

So the man shrugs, figures what the hell, switches cl...

A good metaphor for today's youth is the book Peter Pan...

Kids sneak out. Get high on dust together. Beat up handicapped man, and steal his boat.

A Chinese girl parked in a handicap space...

And continues onto the shops, unaware she accidentally parked in the handicap space. Coming back to her car, she sees a ticket inspector writing a bunch of tickets. She has a lot of groceries an is hurried in putting them away. The parking inspector takes one look at her, says 'carry on and have a n...

[Request] a joke about a man and his wife shopping, but the girl is handicapped or something. Saw on reddit a while ago. I can't find it now.

One of my old favorite jokes. Some story about how man doesn't take her wife shopping for shoes and its not known that the woman is in a wheelchair until the punchline.

I forget it, and it bothers me, because I remember loving it.

Anyone know?

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.



Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they p...

German Baby Joke I saw on QI

A British couple decided to adopt a German baby. They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless.
Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Str...

This is a joke I heard back in 2000

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wan...

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Because the clockwork in the clock tower was being repaired, Big Ben wasn't tolling the hour...

Well, Parliament put an advertisement in the newspaper for someone to ring the bell on the hour.

The first fellow to show up for the position had no arms. In the interview, they asked "How can you hit Big Ben with the striker if you have no arms?"

Not to be stopped by his handicap, h...

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The golfer and the wee little man

A guy stands on the first tee on a beautiful Irish morning. It's a little par three but he still manages to slice it into the bush. Then he hears it hit something followed by a moan. Rushing into the woods he finds a wee little man dressed in green sprawled on the grass. He splashes water on the ...

I played golf yesterday, and saw a guy in a wheelchair on the course.

I asked him what his handicap was.

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A very fit, attractive man is jogging along the beach one morning...

...and he comes across a old, handicapped woman in a wheelchair, sobbing.


The man stops, and with concern in his voice, politely asks the woman what’s the matter.


She waves him off, but he insists. He wants to help.


“Well, it’s just that I’m an old woman in a whee...

I used to work at a nursing home full of handicapped people

But I quit, because I could not stand them.

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Saw a truck with a 12" lift and handicap plates

Didn't realize having a small dick was a vehicular handicap

Two guys were born on the same day

...so they made a tradition to eat dinner together every year on their birthday. When they turned 21 one of them said, "Why don't we go to the Sunset Grill? It has strong drinks and a beautiful view of the ocean." The other agreed and they had dinner.

When they turned 30, one said, "let's go ...

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A trio of golfers are waiting for their fourth at the course one morning, when he calls and tells them he can't come.

Turns out his pregnant wife has been put on bed rest effective immediately, and he will have to be around her 24/7 until the baby is born in two months. The other three wish him and his wife well, then discuss whether or not to play without him, when an attractive woman in her mid-30s, carrying a b...

Girls night out

A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and...

I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay earlier...

I couldn't help but wonder, what his handicap was.

B'dum tsss

A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.

**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.

1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you c...

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15 Best Two-Line Jokes

1. Parallel lines have so much in common
It's a shame they'll never meet

2. My wife accused me of being immature
I told her to get out of my fort

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor

4. How many Germans do...

Four musicians and a drummer walk into a bar. (Drummer jokes!)

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
*The knocking speeds up and he doesn't know where to come in.*

How do you get the drummer away from your door?
*Pay for the pizza.*

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
*Gifted.*

Why did the bassist keep drumstick...

I parked in three different handicap parking spots last week. No ticket, and no dirty looks.

Apparently the "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" bumper sticker is accepted nation wide now.

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The old rooster

In the farm, all the chickens gathered around the new rooster. He had arrived on the farm in the morning, and was looking at himself proudly as the old rooster of the farm (the only other male of the species in the vicinity) came to him.

The old rooster said, "See, boy, this is my farm. I cha...

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Handicap jokes are getting old

And quite honestly, they're lame as fuck.

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