This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A cop notices a young fit man pull into a handicap parking spot and approaches him as he is getting out of the car.

β€œExcuse me sir, what exactly is your disability?”

The man replied, β€œTourette’s. Now fuck off asshole.”

To the handicap guy who stole my bag

You can hide, but you can’t run

Handicapped man was next on stage....

For his standup

I know many handicapped people with a great sense of humour.

Shame they don't do stand-up comedy.

What do you call handicapped kids doing karate?

partial-arts

Why are handicap signs blue?

Because they're all crips.
(Sorry)

To the handicapped person who stole my camouflage jacket

You can hide, but you can't run!

Then there was the handicapped honors student in our school.

Since kindergarten his dad had given him a quarter and a pat on the head for each A he got. By the time he graduated, he had $500 in the bank and a flat head.

Handicap

An American, a German, and an Arab meet in a bar and after a few drinks start bragging about their families.

The American says β€œone more kid and I have an entire Basketball team.”

Replies the German β€œ one more kid and I’ve got an entire soccer team.”

The Arab bursts out laugh...

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.



Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they p...

It's insensitive to call disabled twins "handicapped"

The correct term is "impaired".

My buddy was in a motorcycle accident and lost half his foot. So now he's handicapped. He's still the same guy, but I just can't hang out with him anymore. So I realized something important about myself.

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

A handicapped kid wants to be an astronaut.

Because he has spacial needs.

What do you call a hole that handicaps people?

Crippling depression

What does the handicapped man say to the cops when he’s mistaken for a criminal ?

"Don’t shoot, I’m unarmed."

Someone made a post offending handicapped people, but I didn’t reply.

The comments were disabled.

A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar

And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"

What do you call a handicapped Spanish demon?

El Disablo

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A man parks his car in a 'disabled parking' spot when a traffic policeman shows up.

'Well well well sir,' says the policeman while getting his coupon book 'what is your handicap that allows you to park here?'

After a brief moment of thinking the man awnsers: 'Tourette's sydrome, Cocksucker!'

Muslim Handicapped Man Devil Stoning At Hajj

A Paraplegic, one eye blind, one arm disabled and deaf muslim man goes to Hajj. During stoning of Devil;
Devil asks: What happened to your legs?
Man answers: It's work of Allah.
D: What happened to your arm?
M: It's work of Allah.
D: What happened to your ear?
M: It's w...

As a handicapped person, I’ll always defend my parking spot

The time I’ve let other people run over me is past

What did the handicapped person say about his prosthetic arms?

These come in handy.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

So this guy decides to take off work to go golfing.

So he's there on the Green, about to head his ball, when he hears, "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

He looks down and there's a little frog next to his foot. "What did you say, little frog?"

And the frog repeats. "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

So the man shrugs, figures what the hell, switches cl...

What do you call a handicap sticker in Oklahoma?

A high school diploma.

Two guys were born on the same day

...so they made a tradition to eat dinner together every year on their birthday. When they turned 21 one of them said, "Why don't we go to the Sunset Grill? It has strong drinks and a beautiful view of the ocean." The other agreed and they had dinner.

When they turned 30, one said, "let's go ...

I always park in handicapped spaces at the hospital

Just to test their patients

I went to Walmart today

I went to Walmart today, and I was there for literally 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the tick...

I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl

Momma always taught me to eat my vegetables.

I once called the cops on an asshat who parked in a handicap spot...

They came to check it out, found he had priors and warrants. They took him off to jail right after they figured out what to do with his wheelchair.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

What's the hardest thing when working with the severely mentally handicapped?

My dick.

Did you guys know that handicapped people were mentioned in the beginning of the bible?

Cain's family was dis-Abel'd.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

For women, having sex is like buying a mew car.

They ask basically the same questions:
-Is it loyal?
-Is it worth it?
-Is it good?
-Is it gonna kill me?

But for men it’s like finding a parking spot:
-It’s open, why not
-I have to pay? Nevermind I’m out
-It’s handicap? A quick one then I’m going out

Hooters

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to
play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hoo...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

The handicapped parrot

Danny walks into a pet store looking for a bird. After a half hour of fruitless searching, he hears a voice call out to him "Hey mister, I see you've been looking for a bird eh?" Danny turns around and to his surprise, he sees it was a parrot hailing him. Danny says "You can talk?" The parrot says "...

I got into a debate with a handicapped man today...

Apparently it didn't help my case when I told him he didn't have a leg to stand on...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Because the clockwork in the clock tower was being repaired, Big Ben wasn't tolling the hour...

Well, Parliament put an advertisement in the newspaper for someone to ring the bell on the hour.

The first fellow to show up for the position had no arms. In the interview, they asked "How can you hit Big Ben with the striker if you have no arms?"

Not to be stopped by his handicap, h...

I parked in three different handicap parking spots last week. No ticket, and no dirty looks.

Apparently the "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" bumper sticker is accepted nation wide now.

I used to work at a nursing home full of handicapped people

But I quit, because I could not stand them.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

The old rooster

In the farm, all the chickens gathered around the new rooster. He had arrived on the farm in the morning, and was looking at himself proudly as the old rooster of the farm (the only other male of the species in the vicinity) came to him.

The old rooster said, "See, boy, this is my farm. I cha...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

It's too bad those Nazis weren't all handicapped, overweight or ugly...

...because then Trump might have condemned them.

A frog parked his car in the handicapped spot.

It got toad.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks

. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Favorite Joke by Dad Verbatim

A joke my dad told 30 years ago:

A handicapped guy with a hair lip goes looking for a job. He comes across a toothbrush company and applies for a job. The manager looks at him and says "we sell toothbrushes here, do you think you can do that?"

"Yeth thir, I'll dooo my best." Guy goes...

I've started dating this girl with a small handicap.

She's the greatest! She's smart, funny, beautiful in her own special way and so loving it eaves me at a lack of words.


She has a small issue, after a car crash, she suffered some brain damage and has no short-term memory. It's kind of like that movie "memento", you might have seen it. We'...

A Chinese girl parked in a handicap space...

And continues onto the shops, unaware she accidentally parked in the handicap space. Coming back to her car, she sees a ticket inspector writing a bunch of tickets. She has a lot of groceries an is hurried in putting them away. The parking inspector takes one look at her, says 'carry on and have a n...

Jokes about the handicapped aren't funny

No one knows what it's like to not walk a mile in their shoes.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Saw a truck with a 12" lift and handicap plates

Didn't realize having a small dick was a vehicular handicap

What do you call it when a Greek handicap falls over?

Olympus has fallen.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off.

Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The...

Quasimodo needed a sub bell ringer...

Put an ad in the paper. No one showed up for weeks.
Finally a knock on the door.
Guy standing there with no arms.
Quasi is incredulous, doesn’t think he can do it.
Guy begs..”c’mon Quasi, give me a chance...as a handicapped person yourself, you know how hard it is to find work”
Quasim...

[Request] a joke about a man and his wife shopping, but the girl is handicapped or something. Saw on reddit a while ago. I can't find it now.

One of my old favorite jokes. Some story about how man doesn't take her wife shopping for shoes and its not known that the woman is in a wheelchair until the punchline.

I forget it, and it bothers me, because I remember loving it.

Anyone know?

What did the deaf, blind, mute, handicapped kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.

Handicapped jokes are so cruel

I can't stand them!!

Women are a bit like parking spaces

Normally all the good ones are taken but sometimes, when no one’s looking, you just gotta stick it into a handicapped one.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A lifeguard sees a physically handicapped child come up to the public pool.

So the lifeguard gets ready to jump in and make a rescue as he sees the kid clumsily put down his towel to go for a swim.


As soon as the handicapped boy touches the water, he starts swimming with athletic ease. Going one lap crawl, the other butterfly, back and forth , back and forth.
...

What did the mentally handicapped kid get on his math test?

Drool

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Sex and parking are pretty similar

"handicapped? Hope no one sees me"

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I'm starting a new charity where homosexuals help the extreme handicapped.

I'm calling it "Fruits and Vegetables"

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Well....I'm at the emergency room

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I decided to go ride a horse. The horse made a sudden jerk and reared up, and I couldn't hold on. I fell off, and my foot got caught in the stirrup. The horse kept bucking and running, and was dragging me and wouldn't stop. Thank goodness the manager of the groce...

how time flys

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives ...

Whose going to know?

There was a pastor at a local church who loved to golf, he would try to golf as much as possible whenever he could. He would always watch out for the weather to check if there were any days for golfing.

Now, it so happened that one of the days was the coming Sunday. So, the pastor called in s...

What do slinkies and the handicapped have in common?

They are the most fun when pushed down a flight of stairs.

My friend always has a spare cap in his backpack, just in case you need it...

He has a handicap

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A very fit, attractive man is jogging along the beach one morning...

...and he comes across a old, handicapped woman in a wheelchair, sobbing.


The man stops, and with concern in his voice, politely asks the woman what’s the matter.


She waves him off, but he insists. He wants to help.


β€œWell, it’s just that I’m an old woman in a whee...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A mom and dad read their son’s browsing history

On it, they find that the son had been watching porn featuring mentally handicapped people.

The mom says β€œThis is disgusting, I don’t even know what you would call this.”

The dad says β€œYeah, it’s just fucking stupid.”

What's the advantage of having a blonde with you in a car?

You can park in a handicap spot.

German Baby Joke I saw on QI

A British couple decided to adopt a German baby. They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless.
Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Str...

Got in trouble at school for this joke

So I'm in class and were doing civil rights and the teacher says to the class "so who can't walk freely in some community's" and i say back "handicap people".......Got a week of detention.

Tiger and Stevie Wonder are in a bar

Tiger turns to Stevie and asks, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie: Not bad. How's the golf?

Tiger: Not bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now.

Stevie: I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a wh...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

15 Best Two-Line Jokes

1. Parallel lines have so much in common
It's a shame they'll never meet

2. My wife accused me of being immature
I told her to get out of my fort

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor

4. How many Germans do...

A man is driving home with his wife and the dog.

After some time he sees a frog in the middle of the road. He stops the car, gets the frog and puts him in the grass near by the road.

Suddenly the frog starts to speak: "Today is your lucky day, im a magic frog and you were so kind to me that i grant you one wish."
The man says:...

Do you know why my Dad hangs a hat from his rear view mirror?

To prove he has a handicap.

This is a joke I heard back in 2000

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wan...

Why isn't there golf in the Paralympics?

Because it would be really awkward asking what their handicap was.

Stairway to Heaven

A very sad song for the handicapped.

I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay today...

**I thought to myself, 'I wonder what his handicap is?'**

B'dum tsss

A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.

**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.

1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you c...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Interview for a government job on a seat for disabled people

Interviewer: Your resume is very impressive, though what is your handicap?

Guy: I lost my balls in a bomb blast.

Interviewer: Ok. You've been selected. Working hours will be from 9am to 5pm. Make sure you're here at 11am sharp everyday.

Puzzled, the guy asks: Why 11, when the w...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Handicap jokes are getting old

And quite honestly, they're lame as fuck.

Four musicians and a drummer walk into a bar. (Drummer jokes!)

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
*The knocking speeds up and he doesn't know where to come in.*

How do you get the drummer away from your door?
*Pay for the pizza.*

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
*Gifted.*

Why did the bassist keep drumstick...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.