If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

**Big hands.**

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'

What's orange and sound like parrot.

Carrot

I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I got canned

I just couldn't concentrate.

A man with a giant, round orange head walks into a bar....

He sits down at the bar and the bartender asks why the giant round orange head....

The man says 'I came across a magic lamp and rubbed it and the genie granted me three wishes.'

'With my first wish I wished for all the money I would ever need and that's why I'm ordering a round for eve...

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a big orange head sitting alone in the corner.

He walks up to the barman and asks: "What's with that guy over there with the big orange head?"

The barman replies: "Buy him a drink and he might tell you his story"

So the man buys two drinks and walks over to the man with the big orange head sitting in the corner. He sits at his tabl...

I once had a dream where I was in an ocean full of orange soda.

Actually no, it’s not a dream.

It’s more of a fantasy

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A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.

The doctor examining him, is baffled how his penis has turned orange and poses some probing questions. "What do you do for a living", he asks.

"I am a truck driver"

"Do you work long hours"

"Oh yes, most days are twelve to sixteen hour days usually in heavy traffic"

The...

I asked my bartender if he had ever tried putting sliced oranges in a beer.

He replied, “Once in a blue moon.”

Steve Jobs would’ve been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

If you have 4 apples in one hand and 3 oranges in the other...

You should probably go back and get a basket

My friend has paranoid delusions about being a chocolate orange.

I worry he might get sectioned.

I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.

Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minutes lat...

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A man buys an apple, 2 oranges and a banana.

On his way to the checkout, the cashier asks if he's single.

Man: "Yes I am, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're fucking ugly"

I found I have been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice.

My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars , but I really think it's the Vodka

I went to the grocery store today to buy some oranges and couldn’t find any that i wanted

none of them looked appealing


pls be nice, i thought of this in the shower :)

What did the orange say to the door?

Mind if I squeeze in?

Written by my 4 year old daughter and I think it is hilarious.

How often should you put an orange slice in your beer?

Once, in a Blue Moon.

Orange and apple walk into a bar

Okay, so there's this orange and an apple and they walk into a fruit bar.

Well, they don't exactly *walk*, they more or less *roll*. Anyway, the apple says to the bartender, who is actually a banana, "What does one have to do to get a …."

Ah....wait. I think I messed it up.

... ...

Why did pirates eat oranges?

For the vitamin SEA

What rhymes with Orange

No it doesn’t

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A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.

After a thorough physical examination:

Doctor: "We can't find anything physically wrong with you that would turn your penis orange. I'll be honest, I've never seen anything like this, perhaps it's a psychological issue. Have you been under a lot of stress lately, maybe at your job?"

Ma...

What is the difference between a Peach and a Orange?

You can't imorange a Peach but you can impeach an Orange.

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Little Timmy was in the classroom...

...and the principal was observing. The teacher asked pupils to give examples of food.

So all the pupils raised their hands.

"Pears" - said Mary.

"Bananas" - said John.

"Oranges" - said Sara.

and it went on like this for a while. "Very well" - said the teacher, rea...

Did you hear about the astronaut whose request to bring an orange on the space shuttle was declined?

It was a fruitless Endeavor

This just in: A Burger King employee in Kalispell, Montana was arrested today after being caught putting vodka in the orange Hi-C.

Local police say it was the first reported case of a Flathead screwdriver.

I glued a bunch of orange sodas together in the shape of a stick.. It's amazing.. It's tremendous.. It's...

Fanta-Stick

What does Michael Jordan and Melania Trump have in common?

The both made a fortune playing with orange balls

In Soviet Union a Screwdriver is not Orange Juice with Vodka...

It’s Vodka with Orange Juice

(Jokester’s Note: Russian Vodka is the best in the world regarding to taste, which inspired me to make this joke, love y’all(as far as a westerner goes))

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict'...

What is an orange pith?

It's what you get when you drink too much orange jooth.

I finally figured out why Donald Trump is orange.

He lives in a Fanta Sea.

If a watchmaker uses Dial and a piano player uses Ivory and a Orange grower uses Zest...

...Does a Bull Fighter use Olay?

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Me: "Doctor doctor, the Covid pandemic has made my dick go orange..."

Doctor: "That's strange, can you tell me about your daily routine?"

Me: "Well we've been stuck in the house so I've been pretty much just watching porn and eating Cheetos"

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Well, there was this tiger who woke up one morning, and just felt great

(yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).

Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."

A...

I wonder

Do oranges want to be juice or they pressured into it?

My friend said to me "what rimes with orange?"

And I said "No it doesn't.".

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Safe word(s)

There's a house at the edge of the forest where a woodcutter lives with his only daughter. Travellers tend to stay the night in the spare room and the family makes a decent living out of the extra money. Most of them are polite and decent, and leave the family alone during the stay.

Tonight'...

I called my dad from the shop saying I’d forgotten what orange juice he asked for.

“Concentrate” he said, but I still couldn’t remember!

Knock knock! Who's there? Orange! Orange who?

Orange you glad I lost the election?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years...

Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?

Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Orange.

Come right in, Mr. Trump.

What's fat, orange and that everyone avoids?

A traffic cone.

*what did you expect?*

Doctor, I’m worried about my son. He spends all day measuring imaginary bottles of orange soda.

Don’t worry ma’am, it’s normal for boys his age to spend their time fantasising.

What’s Orange and Lies Constantly?

A rotting clementine, but I like where your head’s at.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!
I know should not laugh at my own jokes but I still find it funny haha

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A white man, a black man and an orange man walk into the bar.

The white man goes up to the bar to order a whiskey. The barman goes, "Hey, aren't you George Bush?"
"Yes, I am" he replies. "Well Mr. President it's an honor."
Then the black man goes up to the bar to get his drink. "Hey, aren't you Barack Obama?" asks the barman. "Yes I am", Obama responds....

Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?

They have appeal

What type of orange juice do people with ADHD have trouble drinking?

Concentrate!

What does orange juice and my dad have in common?

They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.

I’ve been single for so long…

My last Crush was an orange soda.

Today, someone knocked on my door.

Today, someone knocked on my door. I opened the door and a visibly upset person was standing at my door. They said "Do you have a cat, I was driving down the street and a cat ran out in front of me. I tried to avoid hitting it but was unable."

I replied that yes, I did have a cat and asked...

Why did the orange stop halfway up the hill?

Cause it ran out of juice.

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Rabinovich, a Soviet trade official, is called to the Party meeting to be fired.

"Please, I have a family to feed," he begs the Party official.

"Okay," the partorg says, "You will go to Paris to sell Soviet perfume. If you get the contract, we will give you a bonus and let you stay."

So Rabinovich flies off to Paris. A week later, Moscow receives a telegram.
...

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Mr. Johnson walks into a doctor's office and says to the doctor, "My penis has turned orange."

The doctor asks to see his penis, and sure enough, Mr. Johnson's penis is as orange as a carrot.

"What's wrong with my penis?" asks Mr. Johnson.

"When someone's penis turns a strange colour," says the doctor, "it's usually because of stress. Have you lost your job recently?"

"Y...

Can you all please stop hating on Pepsi, Coke, and Orange Crush?

Seriously, it's soda pressing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange.

A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange. The man looks healthy enough, dressed well, clean shaven, etc., but when the doctor asks him to pull down his pants, sure enough, his penis is bright orange! The doctor has never seen a case like this before, so he begins to...

What do you get when you cross an orange with an apple?

Fruit. You get fruit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve always dreamt of having a penis as long and wide as a 2 litre bottle of orange soda,

Fanta sized really

Two tradesman set up for road work: one a veteran and the other a literalist rookie.

“You just stand there by the ‘end road work’ work sign and direct folks through the orange cones”, says the veteran.

“But I’m not sure I can do that, that’s a big responsibility to carry for a lot of people”.

“Sure you can, it’s a simple job, they’ll get the message”.

After the ...

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I put a mood ring on my penis and it turned purple.

The ring, however, turned orange.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

Why are prison inmates dressed in orange? They should be dressed in violet

Because they're violetors.

I have more oranges than I have apples

And you thought that I can't compare apples and oranges...

My buddy said, "What rhymes with orange?"

I pondered for a while and thought..."No, it doesn't."

My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support LGBTQ

That's a bit of a red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet flag.

I told a bedtime story to an orange once.

I call that pulp fiction.

The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice

a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch..

A man walked into a bar, and saw a guy at the end of the bar with a giant orange head...

He asked the bar tender “what’s the deal with the guy with the giant orange head?” The bar tender said “you should probably just ask him about his giant orange head.”

So the guy bought two beers, brought one over and slammed it in front of the other guy. He said “I bought you a beer, but firs...

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What's the difference between a dick and an orange?

Go and eat an orange and find out yourself

What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot! :)

My baby girl came up with this and most of the laughter just comes from her ecstatic joy of saying it.

What do Barack Obama and Donald Trump have in common?

Both are former presidents of the USA and both are harassed for the color of their skin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc my pecker has turned orange".

The doctor takes a look and says, "I've never seen anything like this before. We'll have to run some tests to see if you have been poisoned or something. Where do you work, a chemical plant?"

The guy answers, "No. As a matter of fact I've been out of work for a couple of months now, and I've ...

My grandfather survived agent orange during the Vietnam war. My great grandfather survived mustard gas in WWII.

I come from a line of seasoned veterans.

I just got a new cat. I named him Nothing.

Because he's orange and Nothing rhymes with orange.

Johnny walks into a barber shop and asks if they have oranges for sale

Barber: The hell is wrong with you? This is a barber shop. We don’t have oranges.

Johnny: Ok, thanks.

The next day he goes back again and asks the same thing

Barber: Dude I told you yesterday. This is a barber shop, we don’t have oranges here for sale.

Johnny: Alright,...

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A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of live savers and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor.

So the teacher gives them a hint and say it's what your parents call each other. A little girl shouts and says “ OMG their assholes.

Plant scientists have used genetic engineering to create a new variety of orange.

The novel navel.

An orange, a pea, and a lemon are barhopping

They visit bar after bar, getting as many drinks as they can before they're cut off, and getting further away from home.

Orange notices a large hill, and suggests rolling down it to get back home. The pea and the lemon think this is a great idea, and they all climb up the hill.

Now a...

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Donkey Woman

A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.

The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies", I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass".

The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say'...

The girl I like really loves orange soda. Sadly, she's way out of my league.

Is this a Crush, or just a Fanta-sy?

Three nuns are sitting on a bench talking about their vacations...

The first nun says, 'I just got back from Brazil, and they had the biggest bananas I've ever seen. They were this thick, and this long!', holding up her fingers to show the width and her hands to show the length.

The second nun says, 'Well I just got back from Florida, and they had the bigg...

What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US?

Agent orange, duh.

The orange asked the melon: "Hey, want to get married?"

The melon said: "Sorry, I canteloupe"

Why was red in awe of orange?

Because orange blue green.

If you say "gullible" slowly enough, it actually sounds like"oranges"

Give it a try

What do you get when rubbing two oranges together

Pulp friction

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female…

If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

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