Indic Jokes - 102 Hilarious Indic Jokes

Movie ratings are an indication of who gets the girl

* Rated G - the prince gets the girl.
* Rated PG - the hero gets the girl.
* Rated R - the villain gets the girl.
* Rated X - everyone gets the girl!

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

Me: Did you know talking to yourself indicates high intelligence?

Me: Yes, I did know that.

The dyslexic general was trying to determine if the reports he read indicated a nuclear threat or not

In the end, he said it was unclear

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Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.

"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."

"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.

"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."

"That's excellent!...

"Your wife's test results indicate she has either Alzheimer's or aids, however..."

"Your insurance only authorized the one test, so we really can't narrow it down more."
"What should I do Doc?"
"Leave her here and drive home alone. If she shows up do not sleep with her!"

My friend just quit his job at BMW.

He gave no indication he was leaving.

If big hands and big feet are an indication of size and the size of the car indicates how much someone is compensating...

... it's no wonder people are terrified of clowns.

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A gorilla walks into a bar in Manhattan

The bartender gives the gorilla a craft beer menu (without the fucking QR codes). The gorilla points at a particular summer ale, with hints of lemon. The bartender nods, and tells him what a great choice that is.

A few minutes later, the bartender serves the gorilla this tasty craft brew, an...

What do you call DJT being indicted?

Unpresidented

People like to criticize r/relationship_advice, but it can actually be a very useful indicator of how healthy your relationship is

If your relationship has gotten to the point where you’re asking random Internet strangers for advice, it’s probably not going too well.

It absolutely bothers me when some attention seeking people make posts and comments indicating that it's it their cake day just so that people wish them.

I'm just glad I'm not one of those people

News headline indicates there's been a zombie outbreak in North Korea

Headline: Kim Jong, Un-Dead

I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice.

Should I report the vehicle as stolen?

A new study indicates that listening to albums by the band Queen might be bad for your health.

They have a high Mercury content!

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot ...

Recent polling of Redditors indicates users prefer Paul Bunyan and his animal companion to the current mascot.

Seems you prefer the blue moo in lieu of the Snoo.

A trial for murder is being held and all the evidences indicate that the defendant is guilty But the body has never been found

Just before the sentence is concluded his astute lawyer stands up and says: "ladies and gentlement, the deceased will enter the room in a few minutes".

There is a sudden commotion after these things were said. A few minutes pass then some more and no one has entered the room.

After a...

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A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

What the hot bride said to her stockbroker husband the day after they were married.

Past performance is not indicative of future returns

At the dentist.

Was at the dentist this morning and there was a BMW brochure in the waiting room for some reason so I had a leaf through it and I was surprised to learn that indicators come as standard on them.

Statistically speaking, the data I have collected indicates my dad jokes are quite funny...

I guess you can call it dada science...

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A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now without a doubt the number one hand held device!

Closely followed by the penis which is usually held in the other hand

When I was a kid my dad left without any indication

All I remember of him was that he drove a BMW

A man died and went to heaven...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “what are those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock wi...

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "

Ps: This sub in a nutshell

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A study has revealed that curvy hips indicate smart women who deliver intelligent children.

So that's what my son's been looking for on PornHub, a smart woman.

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Four men walk into . . .

Four men walk into a **<social establishment>**. Inside the **<social establishment>**, they have a conversation about **<topic>**. Eventually one of them leaves the group and goes to the bathroom. After he left, the conversation shifts from **<topic>** to the well-being of t...

A new report indicates Brazilians no longer support the 2016 Olympics

They're too busy raising the team for the 2036 Special Olympics.

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found…

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing,
the head of the team declared: “This indicates these people were family oriented and held women...

A guy walks into a bar, and takes a seat, noticing that he's the only customer.

The only person around is a bartender, who is on his phone, and who waves to indicate he'll be with him as soon as he can.

The guy nods and waits patiently, but suddenly he hears a small voice say: "Nice shirt!" He looks around, but can't see anyone other than the bartender, who is still on ...

The guy driving in front of me didn't indicate, so I screamed at the top of my lungs.

He said, "Calm down, mate. Otherwise you can leave my taxi."

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I put my hand out for a taxi driver.

Cheap bastard could at least fix his indicators.

Did you know that the number of legs in the air of a horse statue indicate how its rider died?

If there are no legs in the air, the rider survived the war.
If there is one leg in the air, the rider was mortally wounded and died after a battle.
If there are two legs in the air, the rider was killed in battle.
If there are three legs in the air, the rider died in a tragic circus ...

The latest report from Mars indicates the presence of large ring structures of precious stones and a dusting of glitter almost everywhere

Apparently, efforts are underway to tiara-form the planet.

(I do apologize for this. I happen to hear someone pronounce this word rather frequently and this is what I keep imagining they are meaning, along with some deposits of sass, pageantry and frills.)

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A young couple is outside doing yard work..

They’ve been working hard all morning and the wife says “boy I’m cooked, I’m gonna go inside and clean up.” The husband tells her he’s going to stay outside and keep working for a while.

She goes inside the house, up the stairs into the bathroom, gets the water running, and gets completely un...

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

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Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed....

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen...

Police patrol in the Outback

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
...

Two friends are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says: "YES...NO...YES....NO...YES...NO..."

It is a big company where the boss is an English man.The deputy manager an Iyengar requested for leave for performing "purattasi sanikkizhamai puja".The boss called him and asked him to bring the concerned leave file,Going through the file the boss told him he has not took leave last year for this p...

BMW Recall

In an unprecedent move and after many complaints from non BMW owners, BMW has recalled their entire fleet of vehicles to assess the electrical fault that prevents indicators from flashing...

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Penis jokes! A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz...

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, ...

If you ever think your job is pointless, just remember...

You could be the guy who installs indicators on BMWs.

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Research reveals stronger people have healthier brains - A study of nearly half a million people has revealed that muscular strength, measured by handgrip, is an indication of how healthy our brains are.

My fucking night time activities have finally made me a genius!

Little Johnny’s art projects

Little Johnny’s parents are concerned about the art work he is bringing home from school. All the coloring is brown or black. Could this indicate a mental health problem?

They take him to a psychologist. The psychologist wants to see Johnny at work on art and gives him a sheet of paper a...

A joke for all the old geezers.....

A doctor is sent to a nursing home to test the minds and memories of the residents. To save time, she interviews them in groups of three. The first group she meets with consists of three men.
Turning to the first one, she asks, “What’s nine times thirteen?”
“That would be four hundred and si...

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His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but...

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

A 50 year old Lawyer dies, and is confronted by St. Peter at the pearly gates

The lawyer says - "There must be some kind of a mix-up! I'm in great health, I didn't have an accident, and I'm much too young to die!"

St. Peter says - "Well, I have the last 25 years of your client billing records here - and they indicate you must be at least 84 years old"

Why did the tomato turn red?

Well, you see, the tomato belongs to a family of plants called Solanaceae, which contains a pigment called lycopene. When the tomato begins to ripen, the chlorophyll in the fruit starts to break down, allowing the lycopene to become more visible. As a result, the tomato appears to turn from a greeni...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

The stock market is getting crushed

My calculations indicate I can retire 10 years after I die

I was worried that the mechanic would rip me off because I was a blonde woman.

Imagine my relief when I found out that I only needed indicator fluid.

I shared a shuttle ride today with a linguist heading to Turkey to study Tuva throat singers. (No joke!) I was reminded of this joke: Two linguists were walking down the street. Which one was the expert in contextually-indicated deixis and anaphoric reference resolution strategies?

The other one.

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An Englishman ,a Scotsman and an Irishman are all going to give speeches to the Deaf Society and are keen to make an impression on their audience…

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well…" he explained, "By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing m...

In some languages, a double negative carries the negation through to its target. So in "I don't have no pencil," the "no" in "no pencil" indicates what I don't have. In others, while incorrect, a double negative is a positive. But, there is no known language where a double positive is a negative.

Yeah, right.

Did you hear the phrase one man's trash is another man's treasure?

Was my favorite saying, until my parents said it to indicate I was adopted

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Paleontologist discovers rare Coprolite

In archeological news, an paleontologist discovered a rare collection of Coprolite during a dig in Arizona. Coprolite is the fossilized digestive waste of a dinosaur, and its discovery indicates that they are likely to find dinosaur bones in the area, and at that depth.

Incidentally, the pal...

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A guy walks into a brothel and ask that the three most requested girls are brought in front of him(long)

A beautiful blond, brunette and a red head now stand before him, yet he simply can't decide who to pick. The man turns to the blond and ask. "Why are you so popular with the customers?"

She smiles an replies "You may not believe this, but when I get screwed in my ass really good, it congratul...

Carpenter's apprentice

A carpenter took on a young blonde girl as an apprentice. On their first job together, he was on the roof and she on the ground. He shouted down to her, "Tie the saw to the rope so I can haul it up."

She put her hand to her ear, indicating she couldn't hear him. Two more, louder, attempts wer...

After almost hitting 2 cars, a man gets pulled over by a police car

The officer asked,"can I see your license, please". After rummaging through his stuff, he passes his license to the officer. "Sir, your license indicates that you must wear glasses to drive".

"Oh," the man said,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"I didn't see that".

It was supposed to be the town bus drivers' annual 5k fun-run today..

But most of them pulled out without any indication.

Probably done before: What's a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Mr Redbeard,

It has come to our attention that you have been illegally duplicating and reselling copywrited movies without permission.

As such, and utilising the full jurisdiction of the Federal Communications Authority, you are subpoenaed to appear before the Federal Supreme Cour...

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Liberace arrives at the Pearly Gates

St. Peter says, "I think we might have a problem here. Our records indicate that you once bit the head off a live parakeet at one of your concerts."

Liberace responds, "No, that would have been Ozzy Osbourne. Now I might have had a cockatoo ..."

A very cold winter indeed!

A young First Nations chief in Canada has just taken over leadership of his tribe, and wants to do the very best for his people. Since it is autumn, he tells them they should gather firewood for the coming winter, so they start to do that. But the young chief still has doubts - what if they don't ...

so... about geology puns

So, right, geology puns need to hit ***hard*** , i suppose.. To make the jokes better you can add a ***layer*** into it, the delivery should be ***segmented*** and indicated to make it easier to understand the joke, you don't always need to fulfil this instruction tho, i mean we didn't need to do no...

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A construction worker

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "n...

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not lookin...

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When life hands you lemons...

Squirt ‘em on your dick before sex to indicate any lesions.

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I saw a woman driver cause an accident today.

She indicated that she was turning right and then actually fucking turned right.

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Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher

indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Johnn...

Thanks to COVID, all military leave has been cancelled this Christmas

Sources indicate that this is tough for the officers and a real blow to the Privates.

An Indian governor visits a Chinese governor on diplomatic business.

A wealthy Chinese governor was hosting an Indian governor at his governor's mansion, and he just couldn't resist boasting about how well he gamed the system to enrich himself. After a lavish lunch, he called the Indian governor over to his balcony window. Pointing at a magnificent bridge across the...

Group Therapy

A mental health specialist had a group meeting with housewives who wanted to learn about themselves.

They were sitting in a circle and the specialist said, “ Let’s talk about your latent desires. I will start with Martha. Martha, you brought your child with you. What is her name?” ...

2 friends are driving home when one said;

Can you check if my indicator light is working?

So the other friend sticks his head out the window and says;

Yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no

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A man goes to France for a golf tournament, but hires a hooker for the night before

The woman gets there and pretty soon they start doing their thing. While they're having sex, the hooker keeps saying a phrase over and over again, but the man can't understand what she's saying because he doesn't know much French. The man assumes that she's saying something that would indicate that ...

[Meta] Can we get length of joke flair similar to /r/TIFU

Is it possible to implement flair beside every joke that indicates the length of the jokes? /r/tifu has something to indicate this. Personally, I like reading longer jokes and I find myself skimming through and ignoring a lot of titles that begin with "What do you" "Who" "Why does a" etc. But even...

Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution

A man is driving down a highway on a business trip when he sees a sign that says “Sisters Of Mercy: House of Prostitution - 5 Miles”. He blinks, and imagines he read it wrong until he sees another sign saying the same thing, at 2 miles. Now he’s curious. The next sign tells him to turn left, so he...

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A guy is in an Uber.

He taps on the driver's right shoulder indicating him to turn to the right, but the driver freaks out and almost crash into a wall.

Guy: What the hell was that?

Driver: Sorry, but this is my first day driving Uber.

Guy: So what?

Driver: Until yesterday I was a hearse driv...

Wayne Gretzky said you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

If Congress is any indication, you miss a lot of the ones you do take as well.

What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate!

A husband shows his wife a study which indicates that on the average men use fifteen thousand words a day, whereas women use thirty thousand.

The wife thinks about this and then tells her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
<...

An archaeologist goes to search for some ancient ruins.

He trekked through the desert for 5 hours, but at last he found them.

Looking at the wall, he saw a stone engraving indicating there was fresh water only a short walk away.

The archaeologist then said "That's a relief!"

Legal Humor

A recent news headline indicated that lawyers were now being used as experimental test subjects in place of laboratory rats. I read further because this just didn't seem right, but the story gave several very solid reasons for the substitution of lawyers for rats.

First: There are more of t...

Why did Angela Merkel cross the road?

Because the pedestrian light indicated it was the appropriate time to do so

Two Irishmen are doing an MOT

Two Irish men were doing an MOT on a cars indicators. Paddy and mick were like it’s werkin, it’s not werkin, it’s werkin, it’s not werkin

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Quality, Not Quantity

Quality, Not Quantity

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Wil...

A husband is driving a car, while his wife is in the passenger seat

Husband puts on the indicator and asks the wife to check whether it is working.

She puts her head out and says : YES... NO... YES... NO... YES... NO...

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A man visits this Asian doctor

And pleads "Doctor, you have to help me, I am too ugly"

The Asian Doctor replies "Hmm, okay, do me a favour, take all your clothes off"

The Man does as indicated

The Asian Doctor Replies "okay, now turn around"

Again, the Man does indicated now feeling like he should get ...

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A fat man wants to lose weight...

A fat man is looking for a way to lose weight. He has already tried all kinds of slimming diets and fitness programs, but they didn't work for him. One day, he comes across an ad that says: "New revolutionary method - weight loss 100% guaranteed. Satisfied or your money back!"
He thinks: "Since ...

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Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

Why did the student look underwater for square and cube numbers?

They’re indices

A man is out driving his Lada when it brakes down on the autobahn

Soon afterwards a porsche pulls up behind the Lada, "do you want a tow?" The porsche driver offers.
"Yes please" exclaims the Lada driver "I will put on my indicators if I think you are going too fast"
The porsche driver agrees and sets off towing the Lada,
After about half an hour a Lambor...

Tragedy in Poland

The worst air disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a two-seat Cessna 120 crashed into a cemetery.

So far 374 bodies have been found.

Polish search and rescue officials indicate that the number will probably rise as they continue to dig.

Husband and Wife go to a live stock show...

...and are passing through the bull section when they go up to a bull with a sign that indicates that the bull mated 12 times last year.

The wife says, "Honey, that's at least once a month. See, you could take a lesson from him." The husband doesn't say anything and they keep going to the nex...

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A German Shepherd walks into a Western Union

He goes up to the window, noses a form toward the clerk, and seems to indicate he wants to send a message.

The clerk is amused and laughs a little as she says, "okay, boy, what do you want it to say?"

The dog barks, "Woof-woof, woof-woof-woof, woof, woof-woof."

The clerk...

A recent archeological dig has uncovered a set of 2300 year old Roman gold rings, with a small golden figure of a Tick attatched to it, missing all its legs...

Archeologists originally believed it to be simple wear and tear, until it was discovered there were no signs of soldering on the bodies of the golden ticks, indicating they were intentionally made legless. A professor on the scene theorized that these rings were a gesture of romantic interest or a p...

A blonde goes into the doctor's office

"What's wrong?," asks the doctor.

"Something serious," she answered. "I hurt all over."

"Show me"

The blond patient puts her finger against her thigh. "Ouch, it hurts here." She places her finger on the middle of her foot indicating pain."Ouch! and here." She moves her finger to...

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I call my dick “the five dollar foot long”

And just like the sandwiches, it’s a product name and is in no way indicative of the size

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Reasonable Doubt

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for ...

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An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scot all walk into a bar-

-and all order a pint. Barman pours them and serves them up, one-two-three. In that moment, three little black flies all land, one each, in their pints.

The Englishman calls the barman over. “Pardon me, but could you pour me another?” He asks, indicating the fly.

The Irishman plucks th...

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