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Highland Jokes

The Captain of the Highland Dragoons goes into the apothecary shop

The Captain of the Highland Dragoons goes into the apothecary shop, marches up to the counter, throws a stretched, worn out condom full of holes on the counter, and demands "How much to have it repaired?"

The apothecary replies "Two shillings."

The Captain responds "How much for a new ...

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A tourist is backpacking through the Highlands of Scotland...

A tourist is backpacking through the Highlands of Scotland and he stops on a pub to get a drink. And the only people in there is a bartender and an old men nursing a beer. And he orders a pint, and they sit in silence for a while. And suddenly the old man turns to him and goes: "You see this bar? I ...

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Highlander?

Mick Jagger sings, "Hey you, get off of my cloud . . ", while the Scottish Highlander yells, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

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An Octopus in the Highlands

One lovely evening in the Scottish Highlands, a lad walked into a local pub with his octopus in tow. There was a general start in the otherwise subdued and cozy establishment. The lad takes a seat at the bar, props his octopus in the seat next to him, and proclaims for all to hear:

“I hereby ...

What did the Mother Superior tell the Highlander when she caught him in the convent?

-There can be only nuns...

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An American moves to the Scottish Highlands...

An American moves to the Scottish Highlands. After 3 months he gets a knock on his door from one of the local residents.
"So I heard ya just moved here, an' I wanted to tell ya I was throwin' a party. Do ya want to come?"
"Sure," the American replies, "A party would be awesome!"
"But ...

A Scotsman was competing in the highland games...

Carothers had a few pints after the caber toss and wanted to take a nap before all the dancing started. So he headed out to the woods and found a nice meadow to take a wee snooze.

Two young and beautiful lasses were picking flowers in the meadow when they stumbled upon him. Being curious on...

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A backpacker is in the Scottish Highlands, when he comes upon a bar in a seaside village.

He decides to go into the bar. There is one other person there, an old, burly man.

"Yer see this bar here? I built this bar with my bare hands, chopped the finest wood in the county, with the finest nails, but do they call me McGregor the bar builder? No."

*points out the window*
...

I have a Toyota Highlander. My wife said she wanted one too.

I told her no. In the end, there can be only one.

why do highlanders wear kilts?

because zippers spook the sheep!

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin our descent soon," the Scottish pilot announced, as he took a hit and passed the joint to his copilot.

The copilot shook his head. "Look, I'm not gonna rat you out to air traffic control," he said. "But please, *please* stop asking me to call you 'The Highlander."

Why could there never be more than one Hispanic guy in a Highlander movie?

Because there can be only Juan.

How many Scottish highlanders does it take to change a light bulb?

There can be only one.

Did you hear about Disney's new Star Wars/ Highlander crossover?

The tag line is "There can be Obi-Wan."

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A hitchhiker in the mountains

A guy is driving a serpentine road in Polish mountains. He sees a local waving at him to get a hitch, so he stops. The guy — a 2 metre tall, muscular guy pulls his ciupaga (shepherd’s axe) from his belt and growls:

— Masturbate!

The guy is confused, but he obliges and quickly completes...

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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

Proper English

An Englishman is out walking in the Highlands and gets thirsty, so he stops at a river to get some water. He's about to bring the water up to his mouth with his hand when he gets interrupted by a shepherd nearby.

"Dinnae drink oot the river, it's foo o' sheep pish!"

The Englishman look...

TIL There are actually 5 movies in the Highlander movie series, the latest of which was made in 2007. But nobody talks about the 4 sequels because

There can only be one.

What car does Obi-Wan drive?

A Highlander

An old lady asks God for help.

In the highlands of Scotland lives an elderly lady in a house outside a small village. A harsh winter is coming and the lady is very worried she can’t pay the gas bill that winter. With no family left, she turns to God and she decides to write him a letter.

“Dear God,
In your endless merc...

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A Roman army was making it's way through Scotland... [long]

Their march was interrupted by a frenzied shouting in the distance. The general ordered his men to stop and directed his attention towards the source of the noise. A single highland warrior was standing alone at the top of a small hill, yelling at the oncoming army.

"Come ahead ya big Jessies...

The allied prisoners

During World War II, four prisoners are captured and brought back to a German base, set to await the death penalty in their cells. The prisoners are a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman.

One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up a...

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Once upon a time, in Scotland...

A man is using his hand to scoop some water from a Scottish Highland brook. He is about to drink when he is interrupted by a local shouting a warning: “Dinnae drink thon water, mun, it’s foo o’ coo’s shite ’n’ pish.”

The man peers over at the local and calls back, “My good fellow, I’m English...

Reboot scuttled?

I heard there has been a lot of recent talk for a remake of the Highlander! I was really excited for the news but then heard that there can only be one.

The Scots are updating the perception of traditional Scottish fare.

Oatmeal porridge will now be known as a Highland Smoothie.

"Sir, we were unable to find your room. What did you say your name was again?"

"Highlander. There should be only one."

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Meeting the locals....

Tom had been in Police work for 30 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he retires from his job and buys 50 acres of land in the highlands of Scotland, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and does a food shop once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace ...

A Scotsman Moves to London

A young man from the Highlands moved to the big city to seek his fortune. After settling in for a couple of weeks, his mum calls him to check in.

"How do ye like the city so far, son?" She asked him.

"Ma, it's just the most wonderful place in the world. So much to see and do. But my ne...

I'm French and was at the bar with my Irish and Scottish friends

As we were leaving a crowd of rowdy South Africans start jibing them to fight.

The Irish man said" Boys, I've been smacking jokers since McGregor was a wee lad, get behind me and I'll sort 'em!"

The Scottish man, not to be outdone replied "Ahck, I'm stronger than ten men at the Highla...

Tour guide

A tour bus is going through the Highlands when the guide spots a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. He stops the bus and gets out, saying "watch this" and then bangs the sheep.

When he's finished, he zips up and asks "does anyone else want to have a turn?"

Another guy from the tou...

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Somebody once told me a story…

…and today I’d like to share it with you:

Once upon a time, there was a farmer in Scotland. His name was William McKellen.

William had a faithful horse, named Star. She was his best friend out there in the Highlands.

Every morning, the two would go out to the grass fields. Far...

Boudreaux the Baptist

Boudreaux was a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana who was born and raised a Baptist . Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, as a point of interest, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic and as such were for...

One night at a pub . . .

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.

The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."

The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, ...

A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender for his best scotch.

The bartender reaches up to the top shelf and gingerly picks up a bottle of single malt. He carefully pours a shot into a clean glass and put in on the bar. The guy grabs the drink and throws it down his throat in one gulp. The bartender is aghast and says " Whoa, whoa that is 17 year old nectar fro...

Bob the Sailor & Ollie the Octopus walk into a bar...

Bob the sailor walks into a bar carrying a large octopus. He announces to the bar that this octopus can not only talk, but he has a very unique talent which he will share with the crowd for $50 a turn.

Bartender says "There's no way that octopus can talk."

"Sure he can. Ollie, tell the...

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An American Man Moves to Scotland

Fed up with his life in the states he packs up everything he owns and moves to a tiny cottage in the far north highlands of Scotland. He lives there quietly content for over a month before meeting anyone.

One day the American hears a knock on his door and opens it to find his neighbor a big, ...

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MacGregor the Builder

An American was backpacking across the Scottish highlands, when he came across a small village where he decided to spend the night.

Upon entering the local pub that evening for some drinks with the locals, he found himself in a conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant individual...

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Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

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The avid fisherman. NSFW

A man checks into the the office at a fishing lodge in the Scottish highlands. After being given the key to his cabin he asks that he be given a 6 am wakeup call because he wanted to get started as early as possible.

The next morning after a quick breakfast he strides out of his cabin and pas...

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