UPJOKE
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Ment Jokes

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

What do pigs use when they get hurt?

Oink-ment

(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!)

What do you give a Budgie with a headache?

Parakeet-amol.



It's the preferred tweet-ment.

So a cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway near my house...

Police advised citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.

Did you hear the Supreme Court just struck down a law declaring ketchup to be the best condiment?

They say it doesn’t pass mustard.

What do you call a park loved by cats

A A*mews*ment park

What did the vet give the sick pig?

Oink-ment!

Where do cats go for fun?

An a-mews-ment park

Is alcoholism a disease?

I don't know, but it's certainly an ale-ment!

Why did the rocket scientist stop working a project?

He had no comet-ment.

Why can’t miss piggy hold down a relationship?

Because she’s afraid of kermit-ment

My wife bought a fruit called a fig, she told me it was in the kitchen.

I remembered I have no wife and it was just a (fig)ment of my imagination.

What's the difference between swine flu and bird flu?

For swine flu, you use oink-ment and for bird flu, you get tweet-ment.

What happens if you put two apartments together?

Togetherments, because they were "ment" to be together.

Why did the female asteroid deny her boyfriends marriage proposal?

Because she was scared of comet-ment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys with black eyes

Two men sitting next to eachother on a plane notice that they both have black eyes, and they struck up a conversation.

" How did you get your black eye?" said the first man.

"Funny story," said the second man,"I was buying my ticket at the counter and the young lady selling the tickets...

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I said the wrong word, and rolled with it

Convo with a friend

Me: I was homicidal back then alright but Im alright now, I got full
control of my emotions.

Friend: Hahaha, maybe you ment suicidal.

Me: Did I fuckin stutter? I know what I said.

Friend: .....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lose 10Kg/22 Pounds a week or get double your money back !

A guy is reading his newspaper and stops on an ad:

"***Lose 5 Kg /11 Pounds in one week or we will pay you back twice your money, guaranteed !***"

He goes to the adress and the hostess at the reception collect the payment and shows the client a room saying: enter here you will see ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when,

Through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow
and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently
slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the
left. He then hunches his shoulders forw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cleetus had a embarrassing disease

So he went to the doctor:

" Sho doc, I have this scratchy in me parts and I was thinking you may have some midicin to you know get thi old junk back on health"

The doctor examined him and diagnosed with an STD, he gave him some suppositories

" Alright Mr thoothill, this supposi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A man was arrested for hunting without a license...

The judge said, "I see this is your third offense. You never learn. I'm going to give you a punishment you'll remember. I hereby sentence you to wear a deer costume and wait on all fours for a hunter to come by. You'll have a ball gag in your mouth, so you'll understand how the deer feel, as you won...

A man was going for a holiday to Acapulco, Mexico...

But since he does not speak any Spanish, he is a bit worried if he will be alright.

He talks to an old friend about his worries and the friend tells him "Don't worry! Spanish is not so hard to speak. Many words are similar to english, so if you just speak slowly enough, I'm sure they will und...

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