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Martial Art Jokes

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Martial arts

The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible.

The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent.

The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics.

The F...

I'm a dyslexic Mixed Martial Arts fighter

AMA.

What kind of martial arts do monkeys do?

Flungpoo

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I was at the bar in the International Airport when a small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts, like Kung-Fu, or Karate?" He says "No, why in the hell would you ask? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

I’m sick of martial arts.

I have kung flu.

(Brought to you by my 8 year old)

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Which is the most kosher martial art?

Jew jitsu

I am shooting a scene about a Korean martial art. The second shot wasn’t perfect by any means.

Take one though…

What martial art is done using only your feet?

**Tofu**

What martial art does Homer Simpson practice?

Jeet Kune D’oh!

One day, I was speaking with a martial arts master.

I asked, "Is it true that you once defeated one hundred men in only a few seconds using the Way of the Fist?"

He replied, "Nay, Palm."

What kind of martial art does a Rabbi use?

Jew-Jitsu

Ben and Jerrys have opened a school of Martial Arts

It's called Cookie-Do

I've developed my own style of martial arts that involves defenestration.

I call it Yeet Kune Do.

A martial arts expert is arrested for murder.

When the case is taken to court, he is asked by the judge why he doesn't have a lawyer with him.

'I don't need a lawyer', the martial arts expert replies.

'Why not? It could really help your case if you have a defense lawyer' the judge says.

'No, thank you', the martial arts exp...

What do martial arts and matzah have in common?

Judo

What is the worst martial art?

Tae Kwan don't

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What was Hitler's Least Favorite Martial Arts?

Jew Jitsu

There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.

Kind of.. Kung Fusing

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What's the martial arts All jews are afraid of?

Jew Git sue.

A martial arts competition is taking place

There is a line to practice kicks, grapples and throws. But something’s missing....

Which martial art is the bakers favorite?

Tae Kwon Dough

What martial art does Earth know?

Geo-Jitsu

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a joke that isn't racist

a guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:

"hey do you know, tai quon do, ju jutsu, kung fu or any of that shit?"

offended the Asian man replies:
"what you think that just because i'm asian i know martial arts?"

the man replies: "nah its becaus...

What martial art do monkeys do?

Flung Poo.

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Bonzo The Martial Arts Dog

I once had a dog named "Bonzo" and he was really talented. One day, Bonzo and I went to find him a job, so we went to a martial arts studio. The owner looked at us and told us to get out. Bonzo looked unhappy, so I convinced the owner to allow us to give a demonstration. So the owner points at a...

I was sitting at a bar last night

And this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?

I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

Which martial art is used to make bagels?

Judo

So the Israeli Military has invented a new kind of martial art.

It's called Jew-Jitsu.

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.


So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding do...

What martial art Aquaman learnt in Atlantis?

Crab Magá

What do you call a bear with martial arts skills?

Grizz Lee.

^I'll ^see ^myself ^out.

What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?

Pork Chop

Why don’t a lot of people talk about older Chinese martial arts?

Because it’s a tai-chi subject

Steven Seagal is a 7th degree master of Kukido.

Kukido is the martial art that enables you to fight an opponent, while discreetly checking his pockets for cookie dough. KUKIDO!

When a martial arts practitioner gets hurt...

it's called a ninjury.

What kind of martial art does a chef do?

Kung food

(Don't hurt me, I know it's bad)

I’m a huge fan of foreign martial arts, so I went to Thailand for an MMA competition

Somebody must have given me the directions to a local Star Wars convention instead because all I see are Thai Fighters

What would be the best martial art to teach to a toddler?

I was thinking about a little Tyke Won Do.

What form of deadly martial arts are soybeans trained in?

Tofu

Martial Arts for weak prisoners

A new martial art similar to taekwondo is being developed for weak people that go to prison. It is named TyroneNo

Did you hear about the guy who claims to be martial arts master Bruce’s son

AllegedLee

What martial art does a vegan kick boxer specialize in?

To-fu

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

What do you call it when a gorilla takes martial arts lessons?

Kong-fu

Boxing is probably the most applicable martial art to the street...

If you run away, you probably won't get hit.

Working on a new type of martial arts that involves taking money from Hispanics..

called TakeJuan'sDough.

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A class of high school art students are broken into groups...

...and tasked with making silly and creative paintings combining culture with food.

One group decides to paint an Indy race car made out of roti. Another group decides to paint a business suit necktie being grated into cheese. Another group paints Donkey Kong serving up a creepy bowl of banan...

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A man wishes to become a monk at a temple known to teach exotic martial arts...

He visited the temple and the head monk told him: "To become a monk, you will have to resist your lust towards women."

"I will give you a test," The head monk said. "I will tie a pair of bells on your penis, if you can look at a woman for 10 seconds without the bell ringing, you can be accept...

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

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Two guys run their own business out of the same storefront, allowing them to split the rent. The first guy has a bagel shop in the morning hours. After he clears out the second guy runs a martial arts studio in the afternoon. But what do they call the shop? What name on the sign works for both?

Jew Dough

A blind blond guy walks into a bar and yells out, "Hey! Do you all want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"

One of the patrons takes the guy aside and says, "Look, buddy. The bartender is blond. The 400-pound wrestler sitting near the window is blond. The armed police officer sitting at the bar is blond. The lawyer sitting at the back of the bar close to the washrooms is blond. The martial arts guy sittin...

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A Chinese guy showed up in my favorite bar last night

He took a sip of beer. I asked him, "Do you know Kung Fu or any other martial arts?"

He became offended and said, "Are you asking because I'm asian? I don't, in fact!"

I snatched my beer back from him and said, "Good. Then buy your own fucking drink."

The members of the newly-formed Justice League were introducing themselves to each other.

S: “I’m Superman; I can fly, move at super speed, and have super strength.”

B: “I’m Batman; I’m the world’s greatest detective, master of many martial arts, and have gadgets that can do almost anything.”

GL: “I’m Green Lantern; my emerald bling can create constructs of anything I can i...

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I’m not Rabbi-ing it

I was shocked to hear my Rabbi was going to start a martial arts studio...

He calls it Jew Jitsu

Hopefully you guys get it.

A man was looking for a person to teach him martial arts, so he goes in to see a supposed ninja to ask for lessons. When he walks in he sees the ninja slicing at a fly with his sword, but not being able to kill it. The man says, "How can you teach me martial arts if you can't even hit a fly!?" The n...

I was once in a 1 on 5 fight.

I honed my skills from years of martial arts training, and we finally managed to beat up that guy.

I was in a 1v10 fight once

It was a hard fought battle and I had to go all out and use all my martial art skills and in the end we managed to beat the guy up.

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Action movie editor

An action movie editor is in the editing room trimming a Keanu Reeves movie.

It’s filled with cool scenes on motorcycles, and hand-to-hand martial arts combat. But it’s long. The editor has to pull some scenes.

So he’s pulling scenes and removes a really cool scene involving a stuntma...

A biker walks into a bar

and tells the bartender that he has a blonde joke. The bartender says, "I'd be careful saying a blonde joke here. On your left is a blonde lady that does mixed martial arts, and on your right is a blonde female cop. Not to mention, there are 3 blonde lady bartenders including myself. Are you sure yo...

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Teacher asks the class what is the “moral of the story”.... (Long Joke.)

Teacher asked the class what is the moral of the story? A kid raises his hand and says his dad was a Vietnam jet fighter pilot and had to parachute out on the way down he drank an entire bottle of Jack Daniels.
Landed picked up a gun killed 5 enemies. Picked up a knife killed 3 more and with his ...

Breaking news!

Corona Virus claims a black belt. Chuck Norris, Dead at 80.

Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris, famous actor and fighter, died yesterday afternoon at his home in Northwood Hills, TX at the age of 80.

Chuck Starred in dozens of movies and Tv series which have, and continue to entertain millions ...

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A blind man walks into a biker bar andvorders a beer

While supping on his beverage, he asks the barmaid if she would like to hear a blonde joke.

The barmaid, in a rather gruff tone says
"Listen here sir, because of your disability, i will warn you now, im 6'2", weigh 300 LBS and lift weights in my free time. Im also blonde, the young ...

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

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An old cowboy is sitting at a bar next to a young Japanese man

An old cowboy is sitting at a bar next to a young Japanese man.

The cowboy turns to the Japanese man, scowling and grunts "Hey kid, do you know King Fu or Jiu Jitsu or somewhat?

Severely offended the Japanese man says, "Just because I'm 'Oriental' doesn't mean I know Martial Arts."...

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A man wants to join the CIA

He signs up for recruitment and a couple days later he gets accepted into the training program. The CIA begins to put him through a bunch of tests to see if he's truly qualified to be an agent. He goes to the shooting range, he swims and runs laps to show his endurance, and he trains in martial arts...

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Four cops had to take a test...

They were all asked the same question:
"What would you do if a man with a knife was coming at you?"

The Cop from the U.K answered by listing the steps in order what he was taught to do in Police Academy and in the Police Handbook

The Cop from the U.S Answered:
"BANG BANG BANG BAN...

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

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East meets West

A guy pulls up to a bar and walks in to get a drink. Almost immediately, he is accosted by another guy who has obviously had one-to-many.
The drunk demonstrates a clumsy karate chop and says, "That was karate from China." The new arrival just nods noncommittally and attempts to sit at the bar. Un...

French Jokes

What's the standard issue weapon in the French army? A white flag.

What's the only French martial art? Parkour, the art running away.

Like the entrance to Hogwarts, if you look at the French flag from exactly the right angle (like that of an invading army), it turns white.

An Am...

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3 proverbs

A boy heads off to college. When he got there he opened his email to see his dad had messaged him, telling him to have a great time but always be careful. He finished the message with 3 proverbs that always helped him get through life.

One day it was his roommates turn to clean the room. He n...

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An American Man Moves to Scotland

Fed up with his life in the states he packs up everything he owns and moves to a tiny cottage in the far north highlands of Scotland. He lives there quietly content for over a month before meeting anyone.

One day the American hears a knock on his door and opens it to find his neighbor a big, ...

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