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Kilometres Jokes

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

The old man said "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years! Everyone applauded and asked again "But how come your wife is...

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Husband: Babe, studies show that having sex is the same as running 10 kilometres

Wife: Bullshit, who runs 10 kilometres in 30 seconds?

I wish I was the speed of kilometres

So I can km/s

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I bought a watch that tells me how many kilometres I’ve done in a day

Clearly the watch must be broken though because it said I did 23km last night but I was just in bed watching porn

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Last week, an asteroid named 2019 OK passed close to Earth at a speed of 88,500 kilometres (55,000 mi) per hour.

Scientist say that if it had passed even closer its name would have been 2019 OFUCK.

What do you call a British spider man?

Kilometres Morales

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A Jewish rope merchant from New York was trying desperately to sell some of his goods in Louisiana. But wherever he went, he kept encountering Anti-Semitism.

In one particular department store, the buyer taunted him:

“All right, Jew. I’ll buy some of your rope. As much as reaches from the top of your big Jewish nose to the tip of your little Jewish penis.”

Two weeks later, the buyer was startled to receive a shipment containing ten thousand...

A snail goes into a car dealership....

and he asks "What's the fastest car in this place?"

The car dealer takes him to a super-fast Lamborghini. "This one right here, it will do two-hundred eighty kilometres per hour."

"And do you do custom paint jobs?" The snail asked.

"Yes sir, absolutely anything for our customers...

A young man buys a brand-new bike

He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and r...

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Mad Aussie Farmer

Old Ted, Whose wife had died many years ago, happened to convince a beautiful young lady more than half his age to marry him. He promised to care for her and make sure she was left with his farm when he passed away.

After a year of marriage, however, Old Ted was unable to bring his beautiful ...

The Russian people were constantly hounding the government to tell them when they would finally reach true communism.

Because of this, the government got the leading scientists to input hundreds of statistics, such as ground fertility, rainfall, public relations, international relations and population into the best computer in Russia. They waited 4 nights for the answer: 23 kilometres. It puzzled the many politicia...

What would The Proclaimers do if they were French?

They would walk 804.7 kilometres

It's important to keep fit as you get older,

my granny started walking 5 kilometres
a day when she was 60.
Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

Feeling bad about not getting enough exercise?

Get a dog and name him “10 kilometres” so you can say you walk/run 10km every day.

(Doesn’t work in America though.)

Man visits doctor for deteriorating eyesight.

Man: My eyes are getting worse and now I can't even read books.

Doctor, pointing out the window: Can you tell me what is that?

Man: It's.. the Sun, doc.

Doctor: You can go home, your eyes are good.

Man, confused: What do you mean? You haven't conducted any test.

Do...

Why don't they listen to Miles Davis in Europe?

Because they listen to Kilometres Davis instead.

Canadians are easy to identify ...

... you can spot them 1.6 kilometres away.

A Serbian politician visits Mexico

There he meets their president and gets invited to a diner at the president's house... There he sees a magnificient villa and he asks how did you build it... Mexican president points at the bridge few kilometres away and says 'Do you see that bridge'... Serbian politician says 'Yes', and the Mexican...

What is my age ?

The new mathematics school teacher on the very first day asks a very complicated question.

Teacher: Let me see if you can answer this question :

"A train in Russia covers a distance of 600 kilometres in 4 hours . A bomber flies over a City in the Middle East and drops a huge bomb. A...

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express. On taking his seat he asked the conductor what time the train reached Gladstone.

 

"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays," replied the conductor.

"What!" Exclaim...

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[Long] A man boards his plane...

A man boards a plane and sits down in his spot. Beside him was a very well-to-do looking man in an expensive suit. The man thought that it would be nice to be that rich and sat down as the plane took off.
Around 15 minutes into the flight, the rich man turns and says to the other man: "Hello my n...

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A walk on the beach

On my first (and so far only) visit to Hawaii, I was staying at a beautiful little cottage outside Hilo. There's a neat little place called Uncle's Awa Club, where they hold a farmer's market, live music, food of all kinds... Right in the lava zone, very remote.

I'd read about one of the boot...

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