UPJOKE
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Narcissist Jokes

How do narcissists save money on their electricity bills?

They use gaslighting.
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Why did the narcissist cross the road?

They thought that was your boundaries
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What does the narcissistic cow say?

"Meeeeee!"

I wrote this.
I'm now a comedy writer.
You are welcome.
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Why do narcissists take blurry photos ?

They can only focus on themselves
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A woman marries a narcissist

There was a woman who married a man who never thought of anyone other than himself. His favorite thing to do was to complain about his wife to anyone who would hear. One day he went out with a mule and started complaining about his wife to the mule. The mule was so annoyed by his complaining that it...
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My therapist says I'm a delusional narcissist who uses dismissive indignation as a coping mechanism

That was really hard to hear from a stupid jealous piece of shit.

Have you heard of the new dating site for narcissists?

It's called meHarmony.
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I used to be a arrogant narcissist

Now I'm just perfect.
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What’s a narcissist’s favorite food?

Shellfish
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A narcissist walks into a bar...

A narcissist walks into a bar and orders a drink for the handsome gent winking at him from the opposite side of the room.

The bartender looks around.
"Sir, that's a mirror."
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I'm a paranoid narcissist...

I'm afraid no one's out to get me!
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A narcissist walks into a bar...

The rest of the joke doesn't matter.
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Everyone says I'm narcissistic

But I'm too busy thinking about myself to care
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Thank you for calling the narcissist hotline.

How can you help me today?
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. They hold the lightbulb and the world revolves around them.
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I was once diagnosed as a Narcissistic Sociopath

but after a lot of hard work and a change in perspective, the doctor agreed I was just a sexy genius.

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A plane was going down

You have the pope, a priest, the choir boys, and a narcissist, And only 1 parachute. The narcissist grabs the parachute and say's "I'm too important to die" The pope replies "But think about the children" The narcissist replies "Fuck the children!" The priest responds "Do you think we have time?" "E...

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

Narcissists don’t use light bulbs. They use gaslighting.
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I went to a psychologist and he said that I'm a narcissist.

That's bullshit. A perfect guy like me can't possibly have a personality disorder.

A bipolar patient, dementia patient, and narcissist walk into a club.

And the announcer says “Welcome to the first 2020 presidential debate.”
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I don't understand why everyone keeps calling me a narcissist

They're probably just jealous because I'm better than them.
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What did the narcissist say after entering the hospital ER?

"You can all go home, I feel great!"
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What’s the difference between fight club and narcissist club?

You always talk about narcissist club.
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Yo mama's so narcissistic...

She makes cupcakes for your class on her birthday!
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A vain narcissist had his face disfigured in a horrible accident

A frenemy visited him in the hospital. “I’m sorry to inform you,” he said with glee, “but you’ve simply become the ugliest man I’ve ever seen. Maybe the ugliest in the entire world.”

The narcissist started crying, burying his face in his hands.

His frenemy, barely suppressing his satis...
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A narcissist is asked what's something he's not good at

to which he replies, "Well, I'm very bad at making mistakes!"
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Why was the narcissist tired?

Because he had been running through his mind the entire day
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How does a narcissist change a light bulb?

They hold it up to the light and wait for the world to revolve around them
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My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder

But that's impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.
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Why did the narcissist buy a movie theater?

They were good at projecting
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My wife asked me if I thought she was a narcissist...

I sighed and told her "It's not always about you, you know."
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My therapist claims I'm a narcissist, but what does he know?

Clearly not as much as me.

What's the funniest thing a narcissist knows?

Mememes
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Why is the guy who can suck himself off such a narcissist?

Because he's full of himself
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My ex was just diagnosed as a narcissist

Good to see I'm not the only one with low standards.
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My psychiatrist said I have a narcissistic personality

I don't know what that means, but must be pretty good if I've got it.
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A doctor told Donald Trump he has Acute Narcissistic Personality Disorder...

Trump said "It's not just cute, it's **the cutest** narcissistic personality disorder in the world. Believe me."
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I can't stand the people I work with. They're all narcissistic and have superiority complexes.

I mean, I know I'm better than all of those assholes.

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Hey Man, don't let her walk all over you. Be like a narcissist's dick

and stand up for yourself.

What do you call a narcissist bird of prey?

Eagle-centric
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My wife told me I'm a narcissist,

Which is odd, because I've never thought of myself that way.
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I’m a narcissist

with a capital “I.”
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I was talking with a narcissist who was only thinking about himself.

He kept telling me to lose weight even though he was sitting on his ass for hours on end.




Anyways that's why I don't meditate anymore.

A narcissist, a psychiatrist and an alcoholic walk into a bar

The waitress turns to the bar tender and asks, "Does he always come in alone?"
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My therapist says I'm narcissistic.

How can someone who's perfect be narcissistic?

Went to a new optometrist today, but he was way too narcissistic.

Don’t know what I expected from an “I” expert.
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What do you get when the people elect a narcissist as president?

A narcissistic president. What did you people expect?
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My narcissistic friend just became an organ donor...

because "who wouldn't want a piece of this body?"
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It’s a slow night at the bar, when in walks narcissist, a millionaire, and a corrupt politician.

The bartender says “good evening Mr. President”.
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I tried to start an NA for narcissists...

But no one wanted to remain anonymous.
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People tell me I’m a narcissist

Unlike everyone else
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I tried to start a therapy group for people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

They’ve assured me it’s me who needs the group and I’m getting enrolled next week. I’m so grateful for their help
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What do you call a narcissistic vampire?

Transyl*VAIN.*
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What does a narcissistic owl say?

A: Me. Me. Me.
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Do you know Steve and his narcissistic husband Richard?

They both love Dick.

My friends always say that I have narcissistic tendencies. I should get mad...

...but I love when they talk about me.
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A Joke For The Psychiatry World

Q: What do you call someone who hears voices calling their name all the time?

A: A schizophrenic narcissist.
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"Let he who is without sin throw the first stone," Jesus said.

As the stones began to fly, Jesus realized he might have made a mistake by including the local narcissists.
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Who did the narcissist marry?

His twin brother
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My therapist recommended an anonymous community to me, a narcissist. Said that they gather and discuss their day to day accomplishments, annoyances, etc.

I told him I've been using Reddit for a couple months now and see no changes.

I then saw myself out.

What's a narcissists' favorite operating system?

Windows Me
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What‘s the best way to describe a narcissistic fisherman?

Selfish.
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What's a narcissistic hooker's favorite state?

Idaho.
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What can you say about a narcissistic man with 2 personalities who's trying to ask himself out but keeps getting rejected?

He's in a love-hate relationship.



(Side note: you ever just...be at work...and turn around...and start working backwards? :) )
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Why do narcissists like air?

Because it's all about them.
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I was having a row with my new girlfriend.

"You are same kind of a narcissist like all those other guys I dated, aren't you?" she yelled at me.

It's not true.

I am a much better narcissist!
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A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar

A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "The usual, Mrs. Clinton?"
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Did you hear about the narcissistic, self-destructive, cannibal?

He was full of himself.
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What do you call a narcissistic spaceship?

The Millennial Falcon
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My Friends all say i'm narcissistic

I don't know what that means, but i think it's a compliment.
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Why do Narcissists quit competitive High Jumping just when they get good at it?

They can never get over themselves.
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You know what the most infuriating thing about narcissists is?

They never think about how their actions affect *me*!
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Narcissistic Personality Disorder is good...

But only because I have it.
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Went to the shrink today..

My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
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What do you call a selfish female sibling?

A narcissister
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How do you know if a lightbulb is a prostitute?

Its been screwed in and out by teams of scientists, skateboarders, narcissists, every one of the human races, Vietnam vets, Grateful Dead fans, computer scientists, Army Rangers, stoners, Yankee fans, dead babies, roaming hippies, alchoholics, cops, Comcast employees, Jedis, Dragonball-Z characters,...

So a Jew, a blonde, and a Narcissistic billionaire walks into a bar...

Then the bartender says: These presidental elections are starting to seem like a joke.
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Trump pulls out of Paris.

Probably for the best... can you imagine how narcissistic that kid would be?

The other day I came across a picture of myself when I used to look good without my top on...

...now my girlfriend thinks I'm a narcissist.
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