Why did the narcissist cross the road?

They thought that was your boundaries

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

Hey, it's your light bulb that's burned out, not mine!

How do narcissists save money on their electricity bills?

They use gaslighting.

What’s a narcissist’s favorite food?

Shellfish

Have you heard of the new dating site for narcissists?

It's called meHarmony.

Why do narcissists take blurry photos ?

They can only focus on themselves

How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves aroudn him.

My Doctor told me I was a malignant narcissist

But what does he know?

I used to be a arrogant narcissist

Now I'm just perfect.

What does the narcissistic cow say?

"Meeeeee!"

I wrote this.
I'm now a comedy writer.
You are welcome.

A narcissist walks into a bar...

A narcissist walks into a bar and orders a drink for the handsome gent winking at him from the opposite side of the room.

The bartender looks around.
"Sir, that's a mirror."

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I was talking with a narcissist who was only thinking about himself.

He kept telling me to lose weight even though he was sitting on his ass for hours on end.




Anyways that's why I don't meditate anymore.

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I can't stand the people I work with. They're all narcissistic and have superiority complexes.

I mean, I know I'm better than all of those assholes.

What's a narcissists' favorite operating system?

Windows Me

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I went to a psychologist and he said that I'm a narcissist.

That's bullshit. A perfect guy like me can't possibly have a personality disorder.

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My therapist told me I have narcissistic personality disorder...

I think he's just jealous of me

A bipolar patient, dementia patient, and narcissist walk into a club.

And the announcer says “Welcome to the first 2020 presidential debate.”

What does a narcissistic cowboy say?

Mee-haw.

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My therapist says I'm a delusional narcissist who uses dismissive indignation as a coping mechanism

That was really hard to hear from a stupid jealous piece of shit.

What do you call a narcissistic vampire?

Transyl*VAIN.*

Why do Narcissists quit competitive High Jumping just when they get good at it?

They can never get over themselves.

Went to a new optometrist today, but he was way too narcissistic.

Don’t know what I expected from an “I” expert.

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How do you know if a lightbulb is a prostitute?

Its been screwed in and out by teams of scientists, skateboarders, narcissists, every one of the human races, Vietnam vets, Grateful Dead fans, computer scientists, Army Rangers, stoners, Yankee fans, dead babies, roaming hippies, alchoholics, cops, Comcast employees, Jedis, Dragonball-Z characters,...

Everyone says I'm narcissistic

But I'm too busy thinking about myself to care

A narcissist is asked what's something he's not good at

to which he replies, "Well, I'm very bad at making mistakes!"

I only become friends with narcissists

That way when I'm not around, I know they're not talking about me.

Why is the guy who can suck himself off such a narcissist?

Because he's full of himself

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I was once diagnosed as a Narcissistic Sociopath

but after a lot of hard work and a change in perspective, the doctor agreed I was just a sexy genius.

A narcissist walks into a bar...

The rest of the joke doesn't matter.

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A plane was going down

You have the pope, a priest, the choir boys, and a narcissist, And only 1 parachute. The narcissist grabs the parachute and say's "I'm too important to die" The pope replies "But think about the children" The narcissist replies "Fuck the children!" The priest responds "Do you think we have time?" "E...

What do you get when the people elect a narcissist as president?

A narcissistic president. What did you people expect?

I don't understand why everyone keeps calling me a narcissist

They're probably just jealous because I'm better than them.

You know what the most infuriating thing about narcissists is?

They never think about how their actions affect *me*!

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Hey Man, don't let her walk all over you. Be like a narcissist's dick

and stand up for yourself.

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My therapist claims I'm a narcissist, but what does he know?

Clearly not as much as me.

A statesman, a humanitarian and a narcissist walk into the White House.

The narcissist is still there.

My friend just sent me a narcissistic test

I’m gonna ace it.

Why was the narcissist tired?

Because he had been running through his mind the entire day

What's a narcissistic hooker's favorite state?

Idaho.

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My therapist says I'm narcissistic.

How can someone who's perfect be narcissistic?

It’s a slow night at the bar, when in walks narcissist, a millionaire, and a corrupt politician.

The bartender says “good evening Mr. President”.

What do you call a narcissistic spaceship?

The Millennial Falcon

A doctor told Donald Trump he has Acute Narcissistic Personality Disorder...

Trump said "It's not just cute, it's **the cutest** narcissistic personality disorder in the world. Believe me."

I'm a paranoid narcissist...

I'm afraid no one's out to get me!

The narcissistic cannibal started to eat his own body but stopped

because he was already full of himself

Why do narcissists like air?

Because it's all about them.

You can call me a narcissist...

Just make sure you say my name.

I'm not a narcissist

I don't give myself enough credit

Credit: drunk friend at a party

My psychiatrist said I have a narcissistic personality

I don't know what that means, but must be pretty good if I've got it.

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My therapist recommended an anonymous community to me, a narcissist. Said that they gather and discuss their day to day accomplishments, annoyances, etc.

I told him I've been using Reddit for a couple months now and see no changes.

I then saw myself out.

Anyone else here able to spell "condescending narcissist" correctly on the first try?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

My Friends all say i'm narcissistic

I don't know what that means, but i think it's a compliment.

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Do you know Steve and his narcissistic husband Richard?

They both love Dick.

A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar

A political assassin, a cabinet secretary, and a narcissist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "The usual, Mrs. Clinton?"

People tell me I’m a narcissist

Unlike everyone else

My friends always say that I have narcissistic tendencies. I should get mad...

...but I love when they talk about me.

My ex was just diagnosed as a narcissist

Good to see I'm not the only one with low standards.

My narcissistic friend just became an organ donor...

because "who wouldn't want a piece of this body?"

A Joke For The Psychiatry World

Q: What do you call someone who hears voices calling their name all the time?

A: A schizophrenic narcissist.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now!

There's nothing going on, I'm just a narcissist.

Did you hear about the narcissist who called himself Jesus Christ?

He used the Lord's name in vain.

A Frenchman, an Argentine, and a Brazilian were publicly drinking in Russia during the 2018 World Cup.

But that is prohibited there, so they were captured by the police and taken to court.



The judge said that as the country was celebrating, they would take only 20 lashes, with the right to have a wish That wasn't be escape the punishment.



The Frenchman was the first, the...

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A rock band was booed by the crowd.

The drum player and the bass player drink in a bar, depressed as fuck, trying to figure out what went wrong.
'It's probably the stage sound', the bass player suggests. 'That engineer can't mix shit in a bowl, let alone sound.'
'Come on, we've had worse. At least the monitors were working.'...

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So I started therapy today...

Apparently I exaggerate my interactions with the opposite sex and the problem stems from narcissistic thoughts that all women want me.

Or at least that’s what my new girlfriend thinks.

First (last?) date at a carnival

A man met a girl online, and eventually arranged to meet up at the local carnival, which was in town for the weekend. Upon meeting, the guy asked her what she wanted to do first, to which she said "I want to get weighed". Naturally, this wasn't what he expected, but figured what the heck and they ...

long. Two cops lead an unfortunate man into a padded cell

Instantly the men in white coats grab him, wrench his arms behind his back and, when he screams in pain, the psychiatrist tears down his trousers and jags him with a needle.

As they're carrying the unconcious body out the younger of the cops, shocked, says:

"Was that really necessary? ...

I was having a row with my new girlfriend.

"You are same kind of a narcissist like all those other guys I dated, aren't you?" she yelled at me.

It's not true.

I am a much better narcissist!

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Trump pulls out of Paris.

Probably for the best... can you imagine how narcissistic that kid would be?

You know who's full of themselves

Narcissistic cannibals

Obama was scheduled to visit a Catholic church...

An aide to President Barack Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington. He told the Cardinal that President Barack Obama would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Obama to the congregation and say a few words that would include cal...

So a Jew, a blonde, and a Narcissistic billionaire walks into a bar...

Then the bartender says: These presidental elections are starting to seem like a joke.

Unlike most people, I’m happy that Trump pulled out of Paris.

Can you imagine how narcissistic their kids would have been?

The other day I came across a picture of myself when I used to look good without my top on...

...now my girlfriend thinks I'm a narcissist.

A doctor diagnosed me with...

... Paranoid Schizophrenia.
But he's just out to get me. So are you.

... Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Which means I am AWESOME!

... Multiple Personality Disorder.
But we don't believe him.

... Expressive Aphasia.
Cheddar concrete levitates archetypal moonbeams...

A man and a woman are finishing dessert on their third date...

...and the guy just won't stop talking about himself. She has been trying to give the guy a chance, but he just keeps going on and on.

"Listen, I'm sorry, but I just don't think this is going to work out," she says when she's finally able to get a word in.

"Why's that?" he asks.
...

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