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Hurry Up Jokes

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to sal...

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A teacher tells her student to tell a story with a moral in it.

Little Johnny says, "All right. I got one. There's a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand. He says 'Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!' The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen."

"Oh my," the teacher gasps ...

Hurry up and get me some lumber!

Chop chop!

I told my wife to hurry up and get off of her period.

So she can get on my exclamation mark.

A man walks into a bar with an octopus

He says “A hundred bucks says my octopus can play any instrument you give it!”

One man hands him an acoustic guitar. The octopus fiddles with the strings a bit, then strums out a rendition of Wonderwall.

A woman from the back hands the octopus a trumpet. The octopus fiddles with the va...

3 blonde women walk out of a building.

When they reach their car they realize that they forgot the keys in the car.

The first one said:"I'll go see if anyone has a metal coat hanger to pick the lock".

The second one objected: "If you do that people will think we are stealing the car".

The third one exclaimed:"Hurry u...

I saw a man chased by a dog.

They were running around a big fountain. I told the man to hurry up because the dog is very close.

The man replied confidently: "Don't worry, I'm 2 laps ahead"

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A blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in the backyard.

A pigeon flew over them and dropped one right on his head.

He shouted, “Shit! Hurry up! Get some toilet paper!”

“What for?” she asked.

“The bird must be a mile away by now.”

Charity Work.

I was thrown out of the charity food kitchen on my first night of volunteering.

All I said was, hurry up, some of us got homes to go to...

[Long] First time buying condoms

When I was 16 years old, I bought my first pack of condoms. I was very nervous as I walked up to the pharmacists. She asked if it was my first time buying condoms. I told her it was.

"Do you know how it works or should I show you?" she asked

"I would like a demonstration", I replied....

A twofer

A priest and a lawyer are on a ferry boat along with a bunch of kids who are on a field trip. The ferry boat hits a rock and starts to sink. The priest and the lawyer lower a lifeboat. The lawyer jumps in, and yells, "Get in! Hurry up!"

The priest says, "What about the kids?"

The lawye...

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

Two blondes are locked out of their car...

The first blonde is trying to unlock the car using a coat hanger. The second says to the first "hurry up! It looks like it's going to rain and the top's down!"

Why do bees stay in their hives in winter?

Swarm.

What did they bee say to his wife when they were running late for dinner?

Hurry up honey.

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(NSFW) Ther Hunter

Jim and Carl are sitting up their post. Jim looks through his finder for a moment. Then he asks: "Carl, what would you do if your wife cheated on you?"
Carl: "I'd shoot her in the head."
Jim: "what would you do with her lover?"
Carl: "I'd shoot his balls off"
Jim looks at Carl: "If you h...

I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman...

...would hurry up and pick a suspect.

What did the inpatient woman tell the Uber driver?

Hurry up. I’m in desperate need of a Lyft.

You are what you eat

son: if you eat a lot of bananas will that make you go bananas?
Dad: hmm maybe. Your brother eats a lot of corn and he’s corny. Your sister eats a lot of cheese and she’s cheesy. Your mother eats a lot of nuts and she’s nuts and I eat.. I guess you could say I’m a scaredy cat
Son: huh?
Da...

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Voodoo dick

A man is going on a business trip and he wants to buy his very attractive wife a vibrator to pleasure herself when he's away. He goes to a sex shop and asks the woman behind the counter to give him the best vibrator she has. The woman shows him some of the vibrators on display and says, "these are ...

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A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set

“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up”

The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson.

2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in:

”all those depart...

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's fine" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything! What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar!," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

Three guys are crossing the desert.

Three guys are crossing the desert. A black guy, and white guy and a Mexican guy. They are allowed a total of 3 wishes to be granted for their journey across the perilous desert. Wanting it to be completely fair, they decide to make a single wish each.

The white guy goes first. He thinks abo...

A husband calls the hotel maintenance from his room.

Husband: Please come fast, I am having an argument with my wife & she says she will jump from the your hotel window.


Manager: I am sorry sir, this is your personal issue, we cant help.


Husband: The window is not opening, this is a maintenance issue, now hurry up!

A couple walks down the street.

They talk about many things as they walk but eventually shift the topic of conversation to the weather.

The husband says, "Honey, we should hurry up before it starts to rain."

To which the wife replies, "I know these clouds dear, it is not going to rain."

The discussion goes on ...

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NSFW: Two guys in the shower

Two guys are in the shower having sex and the phone rings.
"I have to answer that, I'll be right back" says the first guy.
"Omg, hurry up." Says the second guy.
"I will don't cum without me." The first guys says back.
He hurries down and gets the call. He finishes and heads back upstair...

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A woman walks into Walmart

She's dragging her two children behind her and turns to yell at them, "hurry up! Get your ass moving". The Walmart greeter can tell she's not having s good day, so he politely says "Good morning, what a lovely day!" She rudely responds by telling the greeter to fuck off. The greeter is surprised,...

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NSFW Dylan, a Welsh farmer who'd had a few too many headed to the pub's men's room when nature called.....

While standing at the urinal trough he suddenly had a puzzled look on his face. He quickly finished his business and ran out to speak to the bartender. Leaning in close he whispered to the bartender:

"I know I'm pretty drunk, but I swear I saw a black guy with a white dick in the bathroom! Hu...

A frantic woman on the phone:

Hello, My 4 year old son just accidently swallowed my pen, he looks very blue now...

911 operator: ok, I will send an ambulance to you right the way, what’s your address ?

Woman: 123 Centre street, please hurry up, and what should I do in the meantime?

Operator: ... could you us...

How do you land a plane?

Hurry up, I can see the runway.

My trip to the doctor's office...

So I scheduled my appointment online with a doctor. I showed up, paid my copay and everything went well. The Nurse started to take my vitals, then said to me, we need to hurry up and get you seen by the doctor. I asked why were we in such a hurry.

She said, you are a fully grown man, and...

Two blondes are out shopping

When they're done they head back to their convertible, but suddenly realize they locked the keys inside the car.

While they stand there, not knowing what to do, one of the blondes finally has the bright idea to try and pick the lock with her bobby pin.

The other blonde looks up worri...

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Joe was having a beer in his town bar when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic and started shouting

"Hurry up! Your wife is cheating on your with your best friend in the woods out back!"

Joe slammed his beer glass down on the counter and stormed off to the woods, angry and furious to see it for himself

He returns after a short while, Sit on his chair and continues drinking.

...

A king was settling a dispute with three of his nobles...

...over the appropriate response for a neighboring country expanding it's borders into the kingdom's territory. Unfortunately, none of the nobles were able to focus on the same subject.
One noble was discussing interrupting trade while another was shouting to the king to send military traini...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I'm sitting on the toilet and it's taking a while, I always tell myself

Hurry up, I got other shit to get done

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old, washed up actor was excited to get a bit part in a play.

It was a period piece, and he was playing a guard on duty, cannons would fire and he would say, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar!". On opening night he was late to get to the theater and was in a rush. As he got back stage the doorman stopped him and he said, "I'm hark, I hear the cannons roar!". "Hur...

Being punctual

Alex, David and Steve want to visit a zoo the next day, so they decided to meet at David home first, who is quite forgetful.

Alex arrives first at Davids home and together they wait for Steve. They decided to call Steve: "Hey, where are you?", Steve replies that he soons get up from bed and ...

So the Pope arrives at the airport...

And a driver picks him up.

At one point the Pope turns to the driver and says:
\-Can you hurry up please, I have to get to this really important meeting.
To which the driver respondes:
\-Yes, but only a little bit your holyness, I can't break the speed limit.


Five...

Jokes for 6 year olds?

I am looking for some jokes for kids (6-8) year olds.

For example:

* Two tomatoes are walking across the road when a car drives over one of them. The other turns around and says "Hurry up ketchup!"

* Two raindrops were falling from the sky, busy talking together whe...

Two tomatoes cross a road

One gets squished by a car and the other says 'hurry up, ketchup'.

A guy's boss who is traveling calls him and asks, "Is everything okay at the office?"

"Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?"

"Of course, what is it?"

"Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are trekking through the Russian Arctic with their two Donkeys.

They both stop for a moment to take in the scenery.
Guy #1: I have to piss so badly.
Guy #2: Again???????????? We just did this five minutes ago.
Guy #1: But I really have to go.
Guy #2: Alright, but hurry up! I'm freezing my ass off!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bishop and The Steak

A grumpy bishop in a hurry on his way to a ceremony stops by a small Irish town as he's weak with the hunger.

He see's a restaurant, the only place he's seen in miles that serves food. So parks up and rushes in.

A smiling waiter kindly greets him, but the bishop rushes passed to a tabl...

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A man walks into a bar

and orders a beer. The bartender goes to serve him his beer, but says: "Here's your beer, but you better drink that fast, because the black knight is coming soon.". The man doesn't take note and slowly drinks his beer. When finished, he orders a new beer. The bartender again: "Alright, but this time...

A long wait was forming for a bald barber.

The barber seemed to be taking an unnecassary amount of time with each client. It didn't help that even more customers were coming in.

One person got fed up with the wait and demanded to know why things were taking so long.

The barber replied with, "why would i hurry up, this is the b...

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