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Kung Jokes

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Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated.

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling m...

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A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master...

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:

"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"

His master gives him an anecdote.

"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs whi...

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I was at the bar in the International Airport when a small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts, like Kung-Fu, or Karate?" He says "No, why in the hell would you ask? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

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Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?

Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper,...

What's the difference between kung pao and the coronavirus?

One's Chinese take out, the other takes out Chinese.

What do you call a vegetable who knows kung fu

Broclee

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A young man meets with a Kung Fu Master...

"People say you are the greatest Kung Fu Master in the world. Please, teach me Kung Fu."



The Kung Fu Master, quite frankly, was too lazy to take on an apprentice, but he had a reputation to keep. So, he said:



"I will teach you Kung Fu, but I do not take on pupils now. C...

A Chinese man has killed himself using Kung Fu.

It's the first known case of Chop Sueycide

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Asian guy walks into a bar

He sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer. The guy next to him ask: you know kung fu or karate or any or this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because I chinese? The other guy replies no it’s because you’re drinking my fucking beer.

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The Dark side of KungFu

Master: I've been watching you for a while and have decided you aren't good enough.

Disciple: But I will try harder master.

Master: I'ts no good, you don't learn, your lazy and full of bad habits.
So instead I will break tradition and show you the forbidden Black Arts.

Discip...

Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.

But the virus was as fast as lightning.

Kung Fu Panda's Script

In the first draft for Kung Fu Panda's script the country of origin was written as TH, instead of CHN. However, it was just a Thai Po.

I know Kung-Fu, Taekwondo, Jujitsu...

...and 12 other Asian words.

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a joke that isn't racist

a guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:

"hey do you know, tai quon do, ju jutsu, kung fu or any of that shit?"

offended the Asian man replies:
"what you think that just because i'm asian i know martial arts?"

the man replies: "nah its becaus...

Did you hear about the Kung Fu Baker?

If people tried to rob his bakery, he would beat the up and throw frosting at them yelling CAKE this!

A tough guy walks into a bar, looking for trouble. Orders a boiler maker.

He downs the shot, turns to the guy on his right and punches him in the face.
“That's a right hook from American boxing.”

He drinks down the beer, turns to the guy on his left and kicks him in the belly. "That's a crane kick from Chinese Kung-fu."

He turns to see if anyone in the ba...

I know karate, kung fu, judo, juijitsu, taekwondo...

and a whole bunch of other words that describe skills I don't have.

I was sitting at a bar last night

And this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?

I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

Kung Fu Panda finally agreed to an exercise-driven weight loss program

So he took up running. But he quickly found out that his jogging shirt irritated his nipples, which sometimes happens due to abrasion. The exercise guide suggested using bandaids as a cushion, but he couldn't find any of those, but he discovered a great substitute:

Post-its.

Why did David Carradine practice KungFu instead of JiuJitsu?

He didn't want someone else choking him out.

What common enemy do the Hulk and Kung Fu Panda share?

>!stairs!<

Hey Siri, teach me Kung Fu!

Neo, you need to unlock your iPhone first.

What's the difference between Kung-Fu and Judo?

One is the ancient art of self defense. The other is what you make bagels out of.

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A man takes up Kung Fu, and ascends high to a mountain temple to train...

On his first day he tours the grounds with his master to witness the many fighting styles. Along the way he sees a warrior with no arms, and he asks his master "How can that man learn kung fu with no arms?"

"Don't you see?" Says the master. "Without arms he need learn no punches. Therefore hi...

I finally saw Kung Fu Panda.

I'm certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.

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Knock Knock

“Who’s There?”

“Kung.”

“Kung who?”

“It’s Kung Foo, you dumbass.”

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A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie...

The man decided to try it out at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you during school hours?

Son: At school.


The robot slaps the son.


Son: Ok! I was at my friend's house watching a DVD.

Dad: Which one?

Son: Kung Fu Panda


The robot slaps t...

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Today i realised that Kung Fu Panda was actually a very progressive movie

Not only is the protagonist such a minority that he is literally an endangered species, he is also portrayed by a Black man

What do you call it when a guy gets shot delivering Kung pao chicken?

Murder on the orient express

Why did the worm want to learn kung-fu?

so he could flip the bird

What's the difference between an open box of stinky cheese and a Kung Fu master?

One is loose brie and the other is Bruce Lee

What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink?

What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink?


WAAAATAAAA!!!!

(Gotta say it is loud kung foo fighting noise). It’s a winner every time.

Why did the martial artist not pass the maths test.

Because he was kung-fused.

What is the most common illness in China?

Kung Flu.

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So Liu Kang faces Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat…

After a long, brutal battle, Liu goes to the bar to celebrate his victory with his buddy Kung Lao.

Kung Lao asks: What happened to you? Why are you covered in red?

Liu Kang replies: Ah, it is the blood of Shang Tsung! He is defeated!

A week later Shang challenges Liu to a remat...

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I caught my elder brother masturbating when I was a kid

He told me he's practicing Kung Fu.

I would never forget the day my primary school teacher asked in my class that who can perform Kung Fu.

Did you hear about the food fight at the local Chinese Restaurant?

Everybody was Kung Pao Fighting!

There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.

Kind of.. Kung Fusing

What do you do If you encounter a bear

If It's brown, lie down.

If It's black, fight back.

If It's white, say goodnight

If It's black and white, you kung fu fight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tough guy walks into a bar…

…and sits down next to a small man. He looks over at the small man and snorts condescendingly. The small man decides to just ignore him.

Several minutes go by, and *WHACK!* The small man falls to the ground from his stool. The tough guy sneers and says, “THAT was a Kung Fu chop from China!” T...

I’m sick of martial arts.

I have kung flu.

(Brought to you by my 8 year old)

Why did China cancel Chinese New Years?

Everybody was kung-flu fighting.

What idiot called it "The Corona Virus"

When they missed a oppertunity to call it "The Kung Flu"

What's another name for the Corona Virus

The kung-flu

Why can't Jackie Chan fight the Coronavirus?

He only knows kung-flu.

What do you get when you cross and owl with a bungee cord?

My ass!

(For all you Kung pow lovers out there)

What is reddits least favorite dish?

Kung Pao Chicken

A cow and a cat are chatting in a field...

...and ultimately don't quite come to agreement on the topic of discussion.

The cat walks off smarmily and says, "Well, see you later, prime rib."

And the cow replies, "Yep, see you later, Kung Pao Chicken."

Why did the Shaolin monk go to the doctor?

He had kung-flu.

A dad buys a lie detector robot and it slaps anyone who lies

The dad asks his son, “where were you today”? And the son says, “at school” and the robot slaps him. Then the son says “ok, ok, ok,... I was watching Kung Fu Panda”. Then the robot slaps him again. So the sons says “fine...I was hanging out with a girl. And the dad goes “what?” “You’re too young to ...

what do martial artists eat?

kung food

The future is a little bit frightening

Everybody is kung-flu fighting

Grocery runs, social distancing, isolations, quarantines...

Everybody is Kung-Flu Fighting

What do we call Po when he's sick?

Kung Flu Panda

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A young man desperately seeking shelter

A young man desperately seeking shelter for the night in the middle of nowhere somehow comes across an old two storeyed wooden house in the woods. Knocking on the door, he is greeted by an ancient Chinese kung fu master and his two beautiful daughters.

"May I have shelter for the night, maste...

Why couldn’t Jackie Chan catch the corona?

He was very well trained in defence of Kung Flu.

Everyone in China, make sure to wear a mask

Or else you'll catch the Kung-Flu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese guy showed up in my favorite bar last night

He took a sip of beer. I asked him, "Do you know Kung Fu or any other martial arts?"

He became offended and said, "Are you asking because I'm asian? I don't, in fact!"

I snatched my beer back from him and said, "Good. Then buy your own fucking drink."

I love you so much I'd fight a bear for you.

Well not a grizzly bear because
they have claws, and not a panda bear
because they know Kung Fu... But a
care bear, I'd definitely fight a care
bear for you.

Why do barbie dolls have purple nips?

Because GI Joes have kung fu grips ...

I became ill after taking self-defense classes...

I think I caught Kung Flu.

What kind of martial art does a chef do?

Kung food

(Don't hurt me, I know it's bad)

Did you hear about the chicken in Asia that learned how to fight?

His name was Kung POW!

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