Who is the best Kung fu vegetable?

Brocc Lee

Kung Fu Panda's Script

In the first draft for Kung Fu Panda's script the country of origin was written as TH, instead of CHN. However, it was just a Thai Po.

Mr. Chu, Du, and Fu were three friends from China that wanted to come to the US.

In order to get a visa, they were told they needed a more “American” name.

So, Chu became Chuck,

Du became Duck,

And Fu,

... well, Fu remained in China.

Three Chinese friends, Chu, Bu, and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United States

In order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu decided to travel back to China.

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​ Paddy's daughte‌‌r ha‌‌dn't come hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌.

When she finally returned, Paddy curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.
"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t me and your ma through?‌‌"
‌‌T...

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

History professor trying to make a point

Professor: Can you mention any kings that have brought happiness and laughter into people's lives?

Me: Smo-king, Drin-king and fu*-king

What do you call a Christmas Tree that knows Kung Fu?

Spruce Lee

I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand.... What do I have ?

A really fu***ng huge cricket.

Racial Humor

An Irish man is sitting at a bar, then a Chinese man sits down next to him. The Chinese takes a drink, the the Irish man says to him, "do you know Kung fu?". The Chinese man says, "why because I'm Chinese? That's just racist!". The Irish man says, "No, I ask because you're drinking my beer".

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Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?

Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper,...

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Karma

Back in the mid-1960s, in an English country pub, a man is sat quietly enjoying a pint of Timothy Taylor Landlord (an excellent English ale). All of a sudden, a bunch of noisy yobs come into the pub and order lager. The mouthiest of the bunch walks across to the man and says, "Oi! You're sitting in ...

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A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master...

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:

"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"

His master gives him an anecdote.

"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs whi...

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A young man meets with a Kung Fu Master...

"People say you are the greatest Kung Fu Master in the world. Please, teach me Kung Fu."



The Kung Fu Master, quite frankly, was too lazy to take on an apprentice, but he had a reputation to keep. So, he said:



"I will teach you Kung Fu, but I do not take on pupils now. C...

Did you hear the joke about the leg?

In my opinions it wasn't very fu-knee.

What? You don't like my joke? I thought it was pretty humerus.

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A man takes up Kung Fu, and ascends high to a mountain temple to train...

On his first day he tours the grounds with his master to witness the many fighting styles. Along the way he sees a warrior with no arms, and he asks his master "How can that man learn kung fu with no arms?"

"Don't you see?" Says the master. "Without arms he need learn no punches. Therefore hi...

3 Chinese blokes apply for American visa.

They decide to use Americanized names for starting their new lives.

So, Chu became Chuck and got his Visa stamped.

Lu became Luck and also received his Visa.

Fu had to continue working in the paddy fields.

Before I got married I was in a store paying for groceries.

I had a quart of milk, a half dozen eggs and a TV dinner. The cashier looks at me with a smile and says “You MUST be single!”
I said “Why do you say that?”
And she said “Because your so fu$king ugly!”

Kung Fu Panda finally agreed to an exercise-driven weight loss program

So he took up running. But he quickly found out that his jogging shirt irritated his nipples, which sometimes happens due to abrasion. The exercise guide suggested using bandaids as a cushion, but he couldn't find any of those, but he discovered a great substitute:

Post-its.

As I watched an ongoing fued between two YouTube makeup influencers I couldnt help but wonder...

Was this because their relationship was based on a bad foundation?

A man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him...

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay".

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Goodbye Mum" as I leave the store, it would ...

Did you hear about the Kung Fu Baker?

If people tried to rob his bakery, he would beat the up and throw frosting at them yelling CAKE this!

I know karate, kung fu, judo, juijitsu, taekwondo...

and a whole bunch of other words that describe skills I don't have.

A dad buys a lie detector robot and it slaps anyone who lies

The dad asks his son, “where were you today”? And the son says, “at school” and the robot slaps him. Then the son says “ok, ok, ok,... I was watching Kung Fu Panda”. Then the robot slaps him again. So the sons says “fine...I was hanging out with a girl. And the dad goes “what?” “You’re too young to ...

I know Kung-Fu, Taekwondo, Jujitsu...

...and 12 other Asian words.

What common enemy do the Hulk and Kung Fu Panda share?

>!stairs!<

There was 5 Chinese immigrants. Their names were chu, lu, bu, fu, and su.

When they decided to go to America, they decided to change their names to something more western. They renamed themselves:
Chuck, luck, and buck. Fu and Su didn’t get a passport because they committed tax fraud.

While you studied Google fu,

I mastered the arts of tae Qwant do.

A guy enters a bar with a gun

A guy enters a bar with a gun and shouts "who slept with my wife?". Everybody stays silent. The guy repeats louder "who the fu*k slept with my wife?". Suddenly someone from other side of the bar answers "you don't have enough bullets"

A Chinese man has killed himself using Kung Fu.

It's the first known case of Chop Sueycide

What's the difference between an open box of stinky cheese and a Kung Fu master?

One is loose brie and the other is Bruce Lee

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Today i realised that Kung Fu Panda was actually a very progressive movie

Not only is the protagonist such a minority that he is literally an endangered species, he is also portrayed by a Black man

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How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

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We everyone, I wish a of you ovey people a happy christmas, ive ife to the fu est, and make merry with a your fami ies.

crap sorry, noel.

What does Bud light have in common with making love in a canoe?

Fu**ing close to water! :-)

What's the difference between Kung-Fu and Judo?

One is the ancient art of self defense. The other is what you make bagels out of.

I was sat at the bar in a pub in Dublin..

..when a Chinese man comes in, sits next to me and starts drinking. I asked him " do you know any of those martial arts like karate or kung fu?"
He says "NO - why the he'll you ask me that! Is it because I am Chinese!!?"
I said "No , it's because your drinking my Guiness"

Three chinese men named Hu, Fu and Chu come to the USA to live the American Dream

Chu calls himself Chuck and opens a dry cleaning business.

Hu calls himself Huck and opens a dollar store.

Just Fu goes back to China disappointedly.

I finally saw Kung Fu Panda.

I'm certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.

Hey Siri, teach me Kung Fu!

Neo, you need to unlock your iPhone first.

If Steve Harvey ever get into a fight with his wife...

>!It'd be a family fued...!<

What does Trump have in common with winter holiday decorations?

Both can fu k off in January.

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Dinner at the girlfriends house

Ted buys a harley. The seller tells him, "whenever it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust." And he hands Ted a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. So they take the bike. But just before they go in, She says: "I have to tell you When...

Why did the worm want to learn kung-fu?

so he could flip the bird

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people every time they tell a lie...

Dad: what were you watching?

Son: Kung-Fu Panda

*\*robot slaps son\**

Son: Ok! It was an erotic movie.

Dad: WHAT?! When I was your age i didn’t even know what an erotic movie was

*\*robot slaps dad\**

Mum: HAHAHA!!! He’s your son after all

*\*robot s...

A guy wanted some help from the priest...

"So I did a big mistake priest." The guy quilting ,
"So this day I were sitting with my cousin , my uncle and my aunt......The light just went off ,My uncle and my aunt went down stairs and I did it with my cousin."
"Don't worry this sin shall be forgiven but don't do that again" the priest sa...

Roses are red,

Roses are red,

violets are red,

trees are red,

grass is red,



fu\*k my garden's on fire

the big universe

two friends Jake & bill laying in the tent camping

bill: Jake what are you looking at

Jake: the stars

bill: and what you get from that

Jake: how big the universe is and how small we are

bill: no the fu\*\*ing tent is gone you moron

Dirty Limerick Competition

Every year in this small village there used to be a dirty limerick competition and the same guy used to win competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy limerick ever and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the limericks were never published, the editor could...

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I caught my elder brother masturbating when I was a kid

He told me he's practicing Kung Fu.

I would never forget the day my primary school teacher asked in my class that who can perform Kung Fu.

I was sitting at a bar last night and this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?

I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

I felt sorry for the hypnotist

I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FU*K ME" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

What movies teach us:

AMERICAN MOVIES TEACH US:

1. Chinese have nothing better to do than teaching or practice Kung Fu.

2. More than 50% of U.S. population are FBI/CIA agents, working undercover.

3. The purpose of school system of U.S. is to promote basketball / baseball.

4. Aliens have specia...

Chinese Martial Arts!

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday when a little Chinese guy came in,stood next to me & started drinking a beer.

I asked him, "*Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, karate or Ju-Jitsu?"*

He replied, "*No! Why the heck you ask me that? Is it because I...

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First day on the job.

Fresh out of journalism school, the rookie journalist bounds up to the editor hungry for a story to go after.

The editor says I'll give you an easy one for your first day. Go out into the community and bring me back a feel good human interest story. We need a bit of cheering up!

The r...

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A Chinese prostitute told me this after I went down on her.

*"Many man eat, but Fu Manchu!"*

I’m not saying that they are lying...

I’m just having a really hard time believing that Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting.

A cop pulls over a car...

Officer: Good evening, our squad decided to reward the best driver we saw all day, so congratulations you just earned 200 dollars. What will you do with the money?

Driver: Get my drivers license.

Officer: Wait, what?

Wife: He's only driving well because he's drunk.

Office...

What do you call a cup that silences you when you drink it?

A shut the fu-cup.

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a joke that isn't racist

a guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:

"hey do you know, tai quon do, ju jutsu, kung fu or any of that shit?"

offended the Asian man replies: "what you think that just because i'm asian i know martial arts?"

the man replies: "nah its because y...

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They say curiosity killed the cat... But in reality it just grabbed your attention

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange ...

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3 guys die

They go to heavean and the angle there tells them they will go to heavean depending on the relationship they had with their wife. The first man comes up and says I was horrible I cheated on her 5 times. The angel says ok here is this old tractor he goes up in the old tractor. The next guy comes up ...

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I got rejected from my job interview for coming 30 minutes early

The porn industry can go fu*k themselves for all i care

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

**ME:** That’s beautiful.

**CARL DOUGLAS:** Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

**ME:** No, you’re right, that’s better. Carl’s is better.

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A Chinese guy showed up in my favorite bar last night

He took a sip of beer. I asked him, "Do you know Kung Fu or any other martial arts?"

He became offended and said, "Are you asking because I'm asian? I don't, in fact!"

I snatched my beer back from him and said, "Good. Then buy your own fucking drink."

The Koala and the Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says:

"Hey Koala!
What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint."
"Come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up, sits next to the koala
and they enjoy a large...

What do you call Martial Arts involving feet?

Toe-Fu

A group of three men were sitting together...

When one asked " What would you do if you had 5 minutes to live?"
The second man responds by saying "If I had 5 minutes I would fu*k anything that moved"
When the third man was asked what he would do he replied " I would stand very still for 5 minutes"

I love you so much I'd fight a bear for you.

Well not a grizzly bear because
they have claws, and not a panda bear
because they know Kung Fu... But a
care bear, I'd definitely fight a care
bear for you.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Gordan Ramsay: Because you didn't fu*king cook it

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What do you call an angry Asian man?

Fu ming.

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The best salesman in the world

The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.

On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one...

A baby chick tells it's mom, "Mom I think I'm a penguin.."

"There's no way you're a penguin, you're without a doubt a baby chicken" she responds.

He insisted, "No mom, I really think I'm a penguin and I don't want to live in this farm anymore, I wanna live with my fellow penguins!"

She said "alright fine, you have an aunt that lives in Antarct...

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