UPJOKE
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God's Jokes

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

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God's Vacation

God decides he'd like to take a vacation. So he goes to St. Peter at the pearly gates and asks,

"Pete, I need a vacation, being God is fucking stressful. Where should I go?"

St. Peter says, "well Pluto has good skiing."

God shakes his head fervently and replies, "no way, I brok...

So God's getting ready to go on vaction...

And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'

What's God's favorite musical chord?

G sus

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God Damn Flies

A priest was walking by little Johnnys house and saw the boy outside eating watermelon and swatting flies saying, " God damn flies, God Damn Flies, I hate these useless god damn flies" so the priest stops and says,
" Nothing is useless in God's eyes Johnny."
Little Johnny says, "if I can nam...

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God's Gifts

God is with Eve and Adam in the garden, He's about to leave, but has one last gift for each of them. "Which of you my children would like to pee standing up?" Adam jumps forward..."Me... Me!" God makes it so and Adam, looking pleased, goes to try it out. When Adam returns, God has left, and Eve is...

When Jesus died, that was God's sacrifice for the world..

But when I kill my son it's just murder?

The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" ...

If we're all God's Children...

What's so special about Jesus ?

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An engineer goes to hell

A professional engineer dies and because of some misfiled paperwork, ends up in hell. Trudging through the sweltering heat, eventually he comes across Satan and says, "You know, with a little work, we can probably cool this place off..." At first, Satan is enraged and prepares to unleash fury on thi...

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So Johnny dies and goes to heaven, where god's waiting to review his life.

God's all like "Aight, aight. I like you Johnny, I always have, always will. You helped old ladies cross the street, you donated to charities, and all in all in my professional divine opinion.... you're a stand up guy! But what the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?"

Johnny replied, " ...

What's god's favourite position?

Reverse dog style.

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