What's green and fuzzy

What's green, fuzzy and would kill you if it fell out of a tree.



A Pool Table

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear

Fuzzy Wuzz had no hair.

If Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear without hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t very fuzzy was he?

(This still cracks me up 20+ years outside the 2nd grade classroom where me and my boys gut-laughed to tears over this)

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Boss of the Body

The different parts of the body were arguing about who should be the Boss of the body.

The brain said "I do all of the thinking and Strategies , I should be the boss"

The Eyes said "I provide vision and allow us to see what is going on"

The legs said "I provide mobility and Tran...

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Dusty Hill Blinked his eye open.

His head felt fuzzy. His eyes sticky. Dusty Hill Blinked his eyes open. "Wake up Dusty" said a familiar voice. His eyes focused, his brain whirled. It couldn't be who it seemed to be. Jimi mother fucking hendrix?

.

"Wake up Dusty. It's showtime!" Said the coolest voice ev...

Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear, fuzzy wuzzy had no hair.

Fuzzy wuzzy had alopecia.

Red meat is not bad for you.

Fuzzy red meat is.

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

"A" hairy fruit. "AN" especially juicy stone fruit. "THE" fuzzy fruit...

= articles of imPEACHment.

Fuzzy Green Booger

A woman walks into a pet store one day looking for a pet to buy.

The pet store owner walks up:
"Can I help you find anything?"

The woman replies:
"I'm looking for a companion."

Owner: "How about a dog?"

Woman: "I'm allergic to dogs."

Owner: "How about a cat?...

The Inventor of the Cassette Tape Died This Week...

But his memory will never be erased.

It will get a bit fuzzy over time though.

What do you call a fuzzy philosopher?

BEARistotle





I'm so sorry

A composer, a chef, and a creative writer are interviewed how they find beauty in classical music.

The composer says, "I love how the notes harmonize on the octaves when they're played, no matter the scale; anytime I hear someone singing the fifth note, I get these fuzzy feelings inside."

The creative writer answers, "What I find fascinating about music in general is the story behind the ...

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A man walks into a bar...

He orders a fuzzy navel.

Bartender: "We don't have those right now, but I can give you the next best thing: a hairy bellybutton"

The man orders it, drinks it, and says "not bad. How about sex on the beach?"

Bartender: "We don't have those right now, but I can give you the next ...

What do you have if you have one fuzzy, green ball in one hand and another fuzzy, green ball in the other hand?

Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.

A moth walks into a bar, the bartender says cheerfully“Hey moth, how about a whiskey?”

The moth says no.
How about a beer? The bartender asks happily.
No, the moth says.
Ok, the bartender says, testily, how about wine?
No.
Shots?
No.
Fuzzy navel?
... no
Well what the hell do you want to drink? The bartender says angrily.
Nothing, says the moth.
Well if...

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Whats fuzzy on the outside and juicy on the inside and is eaten split in half?

Kiwi ya fuckin perverts

A nun stood outside a tavern, scolding patrons as they entered about the evils of alcohol...

One gent stops to discuss the matter:

“See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?”

“Most certainly not!” the nun says, blushing.

“We...

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An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."  Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That evening at suns...

I think I look better without my glasses on.

A bit fuzzy, sure, but an improvement overall.

What's Fuzzy, Smokes, and Comes in Cubes?

Fidel Castro.

Small girl walks in a pet store

"I would like to buy a rabbit, please." She tells the owner. "Oh, do you now? he smiles "A big white one, with fuzzy wuzzy hair, big, floppy ears and big eyes?" To which girl replies "I don't think my pet python cares what rabbit looks like"

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything:

Stamps = Lickie Stickie

Defibrillators = Hearty Starty

Bumble Bees = Fuzzy Buzzy

Pregnancy Test = Maybe Baby

Bra = Breastie Nestie

Fork = Stabby Grabby

Socks = Feetie Heatie

Hippo = Floatie Bloatie

Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

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Spotted Snakes

I read this a long time ago.

A Captain takes over a command during WW2 in the middle of the Pacific.

As he is looking through the reports, he finds morale in the basement, a few desertions, and the base is rampant with STD's.

He calls his top Sergeant in for an explanation. The...

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A little girl goes into a pet shop and says 'One wabbit pwease'

"Aww" says the shopkeeper "would you like the little brown bunny, the fuzzy white bunny, or this cute spotted fella here?"

"I don't fink my pwython gives a fuck" the girl replies.

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Goldilocks and the three cars.

Goldilocks had grown into a fine young lady now, and so she decided to revisit the three bears, just to see how they were all doing.

As she wandered down the path, she ended up at their house, signed "The Three Bears".
She didn't see any sign of them around.

Typical.

Yet, so...

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Typed this up, hoping it’s new blood.

Terry is going door to door selling peaches. He’s doing okay for himself, and he rounds the corner and comes upon an apartment complex. Lots of potential sales in one spot! He walks up to the first door and knocks.

The lady of the house opens the door wearing a robe which doesn’t leave much ...

The Bar with the Golden Toilet

A guy is recounting his previous night's drunken adventure to his buddy.

"I'm telling ya man. This is the best bar in the whole city. Every Friday night they have all you can drink specials for $2. And the best part... a sorority house is right next door and the place is just filled with youn...

The Pope & his crossword puzzle

A man is preparing to board a train when he hears that the Pope is also going to be using that mode of transportation because he apparently wanted to try something different.

"This is exciting," the man thinks. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person...

The Computer Nerd and His Apprentice

So, I have a story about a wise old computing nerd and his new technological apprentice. He wanted to tell his young child some core life morals, as well as teach about old technology.

The wise man first showed the kid a polaroid camera. The kid quickly took it, and snapped a photo, but was v...

One day in class Little Johnny irritatedly questioned the teacher......

One day in class the teacher brought a bag. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who pro...

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15 Best Two-Line Jokes

1. Parallel lines have so much in common
It's a shame they'll never meet

2. My wife accused me of being immature
I told her to get out of my fort

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor

4. How many Germans do...

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A bad, bad day

After walking into the bar with a very disturbed look on his face,a guy orders 4 tequila shots. He then proceeds to down all four of them immediately...

Bartender: "Wow, any man who drinks like that has a problem."

Guy: "You could definitely say that. I came home from work early today...

I have the memory of a wooly mammoth

It's like an elephant's, but a little fuzzy

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A farmer was selling his

peaches door to door. He knocked on a
door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer
negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her
the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, ...

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Two Americans, Frank and Joe, are on vacation in Australia...

It's their last day there and they have a few hours to kill between checking out of the hotel and getting to the airport for their flight. Frank says, "Listen, Joe, I heard about this great new act at a strip club that's on the way to the airport. A really hot Korean girl, Augusta Kwon, she's visiti...

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Old joke slightly different. An old peach salesman drives up to a house and knocks...

- Beautiful lady answers door with not much on. Asks old man what she can for you

- old man asks if she’d like to buy some peaches

- she says, I don’t know, takes his hand and puts it on her breast. Asks “Are your peaches as firm and nice as this.”

- he says, “yes ma’am”...

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Blonde wakes up after a one night stand.

She sees some random guy sleeping next to her. Her memory is fuzzy, but she remembers some very passionate sex that took place last night.

She frantically wakes the guy up and asks him if they used any protection. The guy says no, not as far as he can remember.

"Damn" says the blon...

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A farmer selling his peaches

A farmer knocks on the door and an attractive woman answers the door in skimpy lingerie.
"Hello Ma'am, would you like to buy some peaches?"

As she leans on the door frame she asks; "are they as soft as these?" while she touches her breasts. "Or are they as round as this?" as she touches h...

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The Telling Tale of Oliver Tin

When he was young, Oliver Tin knew nothing about what he wanted to do, except that he wanted to do everything.

At the age of 5, he had already mastered reading, and had grown bored of all the literature he could find, fiction or not. Oliver Tin took this boredom as an obligation to produce wo...

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The old man and little boy...

One day an old man was sitting on his porch and sees a young boy walking by holding a spool of chicken wire. The old man calls out to the boy and asks, "What do you have there boy?" The boy says, "I got me some chicken wire, I'm going to catch me some chickens!"
"I don't think it works that way, ...

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A man goes on vacation.

A man decides to go on a vacation on a Pacific island. When he steps off the plane, it is amazing: Cool, light ocean breeze, palms gently swaying in the wind, white sandy beaches, drums off in the distance. He goes to his hotel, checks in, starts having the time of his life.

When he turns in ...

Why did the Doctor think the Panda had a concussion?

It kept calling saying its head was fuzzy.

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The origins of the ornamental angel atop the Christmas tree

It's almost New Year's Eve and Santa is getting ready to get to work and bring presents to everyone that has been good this year. So there he is at home, taking a shower and preparing for the big night. Opening his closet, he sifts through his clothes and finds his favorite red coat and trousers, bu...

On a warm summer morning, a family of ducks and a family of skunks are crossing a country road when...

without warning, a car barrels over a hill and into the path of the animals wiping out both families except for one baby duckling and one baby skunkling. The pair hightail it off the road and find refuge in a hole in a tree. They decide to stick together and support each other in order to survive. T...

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My grandpa told me this the other day, a man checks into a hotel and finds that his tv isn't working.

Most of the channels work but a few are fuzzy, including the porn channels. So he goes downstairs and asks the attendent in the lobby, "Is the porn disabled here?"

She responds with "I'm sorry but it's just regular porn."

A blind rabbit

So there is this blind rabbit hopping around the jungle when he trips on a snake. The rabbit says , 'Oh im so sorry sir, i didnt see where i was going because I am blind'. The snake says ' Hey its ok , i understand , I am blind too'. So the two strike up a rapport and get a few drinks and are talkin...

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What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?

The pussy is the cute fuzzy thing and the cunt is what it's attached to.

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