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Toulouse Jokes

The art of joke writing

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime...

Why does the French army surrender so quickly?

They have nothing Toulouse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex has some problem with her vagina and has to go to a city in France to get treatment

Its Toulouse.

An unidentified aircraft gets intercepted by the French Air Force

The French Air Force calls the aircraft- "AIRCRAFT 20 MILES AWAY FROM TOULOUSE AIRPORT - YOU ARE BEING INTERCEPTED - RESPOND IMMEDIATELY"

No response.

They call again-
"AIRCRAFT 22 MILES AWAY FROM TOULOUSE AIRPORT - YOU ARE BEING INTERCEPTED - RESPOND NOW OR WE WILL BE FORCED TO SH...

Why did Napoleon conquer so much land?

Because he didn't have much Toulouse.

Why did Henri Lautrec contemplate suicide?

Thought he had nothing else Toulouse.

I’m going to move to France.

I have nothing Toulouse.

The upbeat priest…

A young priest shows up to his new parish with a huge smile on his face. The bishop asks him why he was in such a good mood.

"On my travels I stayed the night at the Convent in Toulouse."

"Oh yes, the Sisters of Mercy. How was the food?"

"Terrible."

"How was the bed?”...

What did the English general say after a successful bombing raid on a city in southern France?

Be careful. At this point, they don't have much Toulouse.

They always say pants from France are too tight....

....I'm not sure why. I always find French pants Toulouse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the middle ages a French town was under siege by an army from Marseille.

The general of the invading army sent a message to the besieged defenders, "Surrender, you have nothing to lose, Marseille".

They replied, "We shall not surrender, we have too much, Toulouse".

Why did the man leave the south of France?

He had too much Toulouse

I didn't want Belgium to win

I wanted France Toulouse

A Frenchman can't always win...

They have Toulouse.

There's so much corruption in French soccer.

One week I watched Paris play Nice and the next week they were obviously playing Toulouse.

I told this random guy at a bar that I can speak fluent French with the correct pronunciation.

I asked him if he thought I was Lyon and if so why would I? He's just a guy at a bar... I have nothing Toulouse. I do hope he had a Nice day.

On April 16, 2017, a small French city will detach from the surface of the Earth and fly into space, killing everyone.

It's just Toulouse.

Why do French people hate remote controls?

They are too easy Toulouse.

A man runs up to the conductor of a train that is about to depart from a station in Paris...

A man runs up to the conductor of a train that is about to depart from a station in Paris. Panting, he asks the conductor:
"Excuse me, does this train go to Toulouse?"
"Non monsieur," replies the conductor.
"Zis train goes 'WOOOOT WOOOOOOT!'"

Where was France's military strategy developed?

Toulouse

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