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Horoscope Jokes

My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up!

Where do donkeys get their horoscopes?

From asstrologers!

My girlfriend said she's a big fan of horoscopes. You know what that makes me?

Single.

Why is the USA like a horoscope?

Because it's always telling everyone else what to do, and it's nearly always wrong.

Protip for women : if a guy you met doesn't seem to leave you despite dropping hints,do the following

1. Talk about your horoscope

2. Talk about your cat

3. Talk about your cat's horoscope if he is still around ..

My cousin's horoscope was Cancer. Funny how she died...

She got eaten by a giant crab

Met a girl that's into horoscopes

Her : I'm a Sagittarius, bet that already tells you a lot about me.

Me : So according to this website, would you say you're a curious, energetic person that wants to be a part of things rather than be a spectator?

Her : Mmmhm that's me to a T

Me : Congratulations you're an Arie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Horoscope

Sagittarius: Today you will have a quarrel with Leo.

Leo: Sagittarius is bitching about you behind your back.

I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting:

Which girls are single.

Imagine believing at zodiac signs and horoscopes

That's such a Cancer thing to do.

Man: Why should I stop eating deep fried cheese because you heard something in your horoscope?

Doctor: Once again, it’s stethoscope.

Reading the horoscope.

Reading the horoscope that her favorite female magazine publishes, a lady said in a sorry tone to her husband:

- Oh! This is stupid! This is stupid!

- What is it?

- If you were born only a day earlier, you would be intelligent, brave and passionate.

You guys ever heard of a horoscope?

It's like a telescope but it can only see your mom.

I think horoscopes are absolute tosh.

But you know me, typical Virgo.

My Proctologist does horoscopes which, I guess,

makes him an Asstrologist.

An anti-vaxxer got a call from the Doctor.

The doctor said "Your test results are in and I'm afraid it's not good news."

"Nonsense," replied the anti-vaxxer. "I don't trust your pharmaceutical industry. My entire life I relied on homeopathic remedies instead of medication, and the only diagnosis I accept is based on my horoscope."
...

How is looking up your symptoms on WebMD like your July Horoscope?

It's probably cancer.

So I beat cancer today...

That’ll teach them to believe in horoscopes

Will the ex pop up again?

A gal walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What have you been up to today?" the bartender asks. "Funny you should ask. My horoscope said that my ex would pop up today," the gal says. "I've been down at the river all day, and luckily, no sign of him so far."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve Rogers: Bruce, aren't you worried about getting cancer from the Hulk's radiation?

Bruce Banner: That's my secret, Cap. *pulls out a horoscope* I'm already a Cancer.

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PS: I know, Bruce Banner is actually a Sagittarius. Don't @ me, bro.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Doctor comes to a patient with some bad news

Doctor: Your test results have returned and I'm afraid I have some bad news to tell-

Patient: I'm sick of you know-it-all doctors with your tests and treatments and drugs and diseases. I'm a proud practitioner of homeopathy, an astrologist, and an expert in horoscopes. Speak to me properly!...

I'm a man of science

at least that's what my horoscope says

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