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Astrologer Jokes

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It's a well-known fact that Hitler...

It's a well-known fact that Hitler often consulted astrologists and people involved in the occult to get direction while Germany fought in World War II.

One day he decided to thank his chief astrologer and called him into his office to say, "we've done really well in the war and I'm grateful...

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

When she really died the next day, the King wanted to get the astrologer killed as he thought that he had purposefully conspired to kill the Queen to fulfill his prophecy.

The guards brought the astrologer to the c...

Never get into a relationship with an astrologer.

They want to sign and date everything.

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What did the doctor say to the astrologer when the rectal thermometer broke?

"I'm sorry to inform you that Mercury is rising in Uranus."

An astrologer went to the doctor for her lab results.

*Before the doctor could say anything, the astrologer asks* What's your zodiac sign?

Doctor: Gemini

Astrologer: I knew it, Gemini are the most studious of all the zodiac sign.

Doctor: What's your zodiac sign?

Astrologer: Cancer.

Doctor: **What a coincidence.**

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kil...

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What's the difference between being a prostitute or an Astrologer?

If you are a prostitute only a portion of your clients are interested in the position of Uranus.

A boy meets an astrologer

The Astrologers predicts that the boy will die soon.

Disheartened he walks into his professor and turns off all the lights; but why?

Because he knew, with no light; the professor's pupils will dilate.

What is the difference between an astronomer and an astrologer?

About 50 IQ points.

A girl went to an astrologer...

Girl: I have two boyfriends, John and David. Please tell me who will I get married to...Who's going to be the lucky one?
A: You'll get married to John and David will be the lucky one.

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How do you know it’s an astrologer with a fetish on Pornhub?

She’s the one searching for “Sun in Uranus”

Just before getting married man went to the astrologer

Man: I am getting married can you please predict my future

Astrologer: First 2 years of your marriage will be like hell

Man: Ok, but what will happen after 2 years

Astrologer: After 2 years you will get used to it

Astrologer and the man

Astrologer - You and your wife will have a long life together.

Man - Is there any solution to this problem?

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A man goes to an astrologer and then to a doctor for advice because he has trouble in performing bowel movements. Both of them said the same thing.....

"Uranus is not in the right position".

A woman visits an astrologer

Astrologer: Would you like me to tell you your husband's future?

Woman: No you tell me his past, I'll decide his future.

Why do Reddit astrologers not try to divine humor from the movement of planets?

Because the real joke is in the comets!

How did the astrologer cross the road?

In his Taurus!

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There was once a couple who were very, very dumb.

They used to listen to everything said to them without thinking any deeper.

After about a year after their marriage, a beautiful baby boy was born to them. They decided to baptize him and name him according to a very popular astrologer's idea. So they took him to the astrologer's sanctum
<...

Here's a spooktober joke for you guys.

Why did the ghost go to the astrologer?


Because he wanted to see his horrorscope.

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Sherlock Holmes Looks at the Night Sky

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky. Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, "Watson, what do you see?"


"Stars and the moon, dear Holmes," he says.


"What does it mean?" Sherlock asks.


"Well," says Watson. "It ...

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