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Eww Jokes

Eww

People who write Eww only do that because they can't spell disgostang.

me: how about a date? her: eww, no me: fine

*eats all the dates myself*

A German man is peeing in the bushes when an American sees him.

The American says: “Eww, gross!”

The German man replies: “Danke.”

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Met a woman at a bar and asked her if I could smell her pussy. She said "Eww!! No!!" So I replied:

"Hmmm, then it must be your feet."

I saw a guy holding a huge bumblebee and I said "Eww! What are you holding that ugly creature for?"

Indignantly he said "It's not ugly!"

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

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Homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge

A homeless man is walking along a road, and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine...

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A man caught his sister masturbating with a cucumber.

Man: "Eww! That's my dinner! You're making it taste like cucumber!”

A fourth grade biology teacher is asking a series of questions to her students

Eventually she asks "What part of the body can grow ten times its normal size when stimulated?"

As soon as she asks that, a girl at the back of the class stands up and yells "EWW, THAT'S SO GROSS. HOW DARE YOU ASK THIS TO SMALL CHILDREN? I'M GOING TO TELL MY MOTHER ALL ABOUT THIS", then storm...

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A man walks into a pub holding a dog poop in his hands

He says to his friend "eww, look what I nearly stepped in"

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Two flies are sitting on a turd...

....one fly farts, and the other fly says "eww gross, I'm trying to eat."

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Four men are talking...

They are talking about how rich their sons are. The first said: "My son is so rich last time he bought his lover a luxurious Mercedes" "That's nothing"- said the second-"mine bought his lover last time a luxurious yacht" "Well thats cute"-responded the third-"Mine bought his lover a luxurious 12000 ...

Vegan lady and a butcher

A vegan lady went on a blind date with a man. She asked him what do you do for a living. He said he is a butcher. The lady said "eww that's grouse".
The butcher replied "a person who sells vegetables is grocer".

Two anglers were sitting in a boat

A windsurfer passed by them. Suddenly the windsurfer fell and disappeared in the water. The anglers hurried to the spot and threw their nets out in an attempt to save the windsurfer.
Finally they caught something and pulled the lifeless body into the boat. They started to blow air into his mouth ...

Two blondes

Two blonds find a mirror on the sidewalk. The first blonde looks into it and says: look! There's a picture of a woman.

The second blonde looks at it and says: eww, she's so freaking ugly!

Top 5 anti-vax excuses, interpreted for gamers

Excuse #5: "I like to play life with the default biological settings".

Excuse #4: "I like to take my chances and play it on extreme difficulty, just like old school style."

Excuse #3: "Pay to win? Eww."

Excuse #2: "I'll rather die than pay for DLC."

Excuse #1: "I swe...

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Two Norwegians are walking home

Two Norwegians are walking home when one of them abruptly stops the other

1: “Stop stop, don’t step in that!”
2: “What is that? Is it poop?”

The second guy bends down and inspects it

2: “It sure looks like poop”

He the smells it

2: “It smells like poop too!” ...

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Roleplaying Sex

So I was having sex with my girlfriend until she asked "Can we have a roleplay with me playing as a 14 years old girl? " I said " Eww, that's gross. You're gonna be 14 in two years anyway "

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A wife had bought some crotchless panties

A wife had bought some crotchless panties and was waiting on the bed for her husband. When her husband came home she opened her legs seductively and asked, "would you like to have a taste?"

"Eww, fuck no!", the husband answered. "Look at what it's done to your panties!"

A mother enters the bus carrying her baby.

Upon seeing the little infant, the driver exclaims: "Eww, what a disgustingly ugly baby!"

Furious, the mother storms to the back of the bus, sitting down next to a gentleman.

She complains to him: "That bus driver just called my baby ugly! What a rude ass!"

The gentleman retorts...

My dad's favorite joke.

A lady walks into a cafe and orders a burger from the cashier. She notices the cook isn't wearing a shirt and curiously watches him prepare her food. He takes a handful of ground beef and slaps it against his hairy stomach, flips it over, and does the same to the other side. Appalled, the lady looks...

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A man gets onto a bus.

He is carrying two large barrels under his arms. The bus driver says: "you can't take those barrels onto the bus. What's in there anyway?"

The passenger replies: "Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump."

The driver asks: "no, really, what's in there?"

The passenger repeats: "Hillary ...

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3 nuns die and go to heaven...

They're greeted warmly by the big pearly gates. The welcoming angel is holding a big bowl of water. He asks the first nun - have you ever touched a man's penis?

The first nun trembles and says yes, she touched a penis but only with her fingers.

Dip your fingers into the holy water an...

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There's this father with 2 fat son, and a fit one...

So, he goes to his first fat son, and asks him what he keeps eating to be so fat. The son says he likes spaghetti above all. The father tells him, "You should take smaller mouthfuls son."

He asks the same to his second fat son, and the boy tells him that he loves pizza. "You should take s...

A brunette, A redhead, and A blonde....

Enter an elevator and spot something on the floor.

The brunette immediately says "Eww, that's sperm".

The redhead, touches it with her index finger and rubs it with her thumb together and says "Yup, definitely sperm".

The blonde, touches it, rubs it between her fingers and taste...

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The Hunter

A guy wakes up one Saturday morning to go hunting. However, it's raining and his wife doesn't want to go sit in the rain and says "I don't want to go hunting!"

The husband turns and says, " Well if you're not going, either I get to fuck you in the ass or you're sucking my dick! Now I'm going ...

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Three flees who are living in a woman's body

are talking to each other. The first one, who lives in the ear, says: "Well, my life is very easy: my house gets brushed every weak. It's hygienic, and I'm satisfied".
The second one lives in the belly button. He says: "My house is also beautiful. It gets cleaned even every day, and I love it to...

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A widow, Claire, was looking to move away from the city, and looked for a small town to live her final years in.

She drove a few hours out into the countryside to find a good place to move into. Eventually she came by Barkstown, and this peculiar name piqued her curiosity.

She drove in and was amazed by the amount of dogs there were in this town, but she was getting hungry from not eating all day.
...

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Toothbrush (Long)

3 men apply for a sales job at toothbrush company. The first day the manger send them out for their first try at selling toothbrushes.
At the end of the day they come back and report in:
Manager, “how many did you sell?
First guy, “I sold 42.”
Manager, “Not bad”
Second guy, “I sold 86...

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A soldier with needs

A soldier has been deployed overseas almost a year ago. He's a single guy and, well after all this time, is starting to have certain sexual needs. They are in a place that is a bit far from civilization so it's kind of hard to meet women.

He mentions this to his superior:

''Sir, I've ...

The fishing trip

A grandfather and grandson are away on a fishing trip. They get up early in the morning and go out in the boat. They manage to catch a few nice sized bass before going in for breakfast.

While eating breakfast the boy turns to his grandfather and says, "Grandpa, these plates are kind of dirty....

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