Wiki joke

Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia”
Man: “No wait! I can explain everything!”

The cops are questioning me about illegally downloading the entirety of Wikipedia.

I said, “I can explain everything.”

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

I was at the doctor's today and I learned I have Bartter Syndrome...

Wondering if anyone wants to trade?



(Yes that's a true syndrome, and come on, you knew the punchline before you read it).



[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bartter\_syndrome](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bartter_syndrome)

I went to a job fair recently. I walked into the room and cried out "somebody is either going to give me a job today, or you'll have to carry me out of here kicking and screaming!"

WikiLeaks told me I was overqualified.

A duck walks into a Mercedes dealership, and starts looking at cars.

A salesman approaches and says "can I help you sir"

The duck says "yes, I'm looking for a comfortable, yet fast car"

"Don't worry" says the duck "I have a well-paid job, and I can afford a Mercedes"

After some time the duck chooses a car and they retire to the salesman's office ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A giant panda walks into a restaurant...

He orders some food, which is promptly brought to him by the waiter. The panda finishes his meal, gets up from the table, and pulls out a gun. He shoots the waiter and without saying a word, exits the restaurant.
The waiter, still bleeding, runs after the panda. He catches up with the panda and ...

Reflections on the Jonestown massacre of 1978

As a society, we sometimes tell jokes about some of the most horrific events--mass murders, disasters, and so on. Often the jokes start within a day or two of the catastrophe, even before the dead can be counted. Perhaps we do it as a coping or healing mechanism, or perhaps it's our only extant type...

*mikedrop

Where do DJ's go for information?

They go to Wiki-wiki-wikipedia.

Funniest joke in the world!

Not kidding. According to a study from the University of Hertfordshire, this is the funniest joke in the world:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency servi...

A short guide to extreme BDSM

Some couples like what they have. Others want to experiment. This is a quick and simple (and dirty) tutorial for some extreme [BDSM](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM) play in a young couple's bedroom.

As far as special equipment goes... well, it'll become obvious as you read.

Step ze...

I lost a loved one recently and while I was sad at first, I'm okay with it now...

The wiki says they get brought back next season.

And the LORD said unto John...

"Come forth and receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and had to eat the biscuit[.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soggy_biscuit)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that according to Cunnilingus's Law the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer.

[Source](https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Cunningham%27s_Law)

Two kittens are sitting on a roof. Which one falls off first?

The one with the smallest [μ](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friction#Coefficient_of_friction)

Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?

A: the defendant

Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)


For the young and/or foreign:

Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defendant‎
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act ...

Got an email from an airline inviting me to"Discover America".

I've replied with a link to the Wikipedia page about Christopher Columbus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Great White Hunter

A wealthy American man has retired and is entering old age. Fearing that he hasn't lived his life to the fullest, he decides that the first thing he will do with his funds will be to fulfill a childhood dream of his: to go hunting in Africa and take down a gorilla.

He promptly arranges a flig...

The doctor said I had a bad case of kyphosis.

"Are you sure?" I said.

He replied, "Honestly, it's just a hunch."

My teacher said I needed to have an Intervention...

Who doesn't need a [sniper rifle](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CheyTac_Intervention)?

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bear walks into a bar...

Stop me if you've heard this one.

A bear walks into a bar, the bartender says "We don't serve bears at this bar, get out!"

To which the bear replies "Look, I just want a drink."

"No, we don't serve bears here, you gotta leave." says the bartender.

"If you don't serve me I...

Dear Kids, there is no Santa.

Those presents are from your parents.


Love, Julian Assange - *WikiLeaks*.

I saw a how-to page on record scratch and DJ techniques.

It was a wikki-wikki Wiki.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An original math feghoot.

There are enough people in the world now who require catheters for medical reasons for the devices to have become the targets of fetishes. At least some of these catheter fetishists are also practitioners of free love, and it's not unusual for them to get together with (relatively) large numbers of...

What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables?

Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Meta-limerick

From [Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meta-joke#Joke_template)

There once was an X from place B,
Who satisfied predicate P,
The X did thing A,
In a specified way,
Resulting in circumstance C.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another set of Jewish mom jokes

Seeing how my first post had a ~~huuuuge~~ kinda moderate success, here's another set.

Because it seems americains are not aware of the jewish mom stereotype, here is a rough translation of the French Wiki :

> The typical traits of the jewish mom include :
>
> * An exces...

Crane jokes

Hello, I'm doing a presentation on Cranes, specifically [Sarus Cranes](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarus_Crane) and I was trying to think of a joke to start off the presentation. Do you guys have any?

The only one I can think of is "What bird can lift the most weights?" "Cranes" but I'm wond...

[Punchline wanted] Charles Darwin, Jean-Baptiste Lamarck, and Jerry Lewis walk into a bar. To their surprise, the bartender is a monkey.

Lamarck notes that the monkey's arms have become long from reaching for bottles on the high shelves. Darwin disagrees, saying that the monkey got the job because it was born with long arms. Jerry Lewis looks at the both of them, and says…

Sorry, SimLife couldn't get a needed punch line.
...

Stop me if you've heard this one before.

What is the difference between the [Rockettes](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rockettes) and [Doug Henning](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doug_Henning)?

Doug Henning shows you a cunning array of stunts.

An old joke about President Calvin Coolidge

The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown (separately) around an experimental government farm. When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day." Mrs. Cool...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hunting Season

A [Sardar](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sardarji_joke) went hunting one day in Ontario, Canada and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who didn't like Sardars.

The game warden ordered the Sardar to ...

Wikipedia told me a joke today.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I...

Did you hear about the woman who discovered that her husband had dendrophilia on their wedding night?

...She had to beat him off with a stick.

[^^^Dendrophilia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dendrophilia_%28paraphilia%29)

A man walks into a synagogue with a dog...

A man walks into a synagogue with a dog. The Rabbi comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship; you can't bring your dog in here."

"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog! Look."

The Rabbi looks carefully and sees, that in the same way that a St. B...

Have you ever had Ethiopian food?

Well we're having it tonight. It's [wats](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wat_%28food%29) for dinner!

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