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Joke I Heard From David Sedaris!

Saw him on tour last night, shamelessly repeating here:

Two Jews are walking down the street and pass a church with a sign in the window: CONVERT NOW FOR $500

"That's a lot of money," says Hershel. "For shame! My mother would kill me if I converted." Responds Eli. Hershel shrugs, ...

Aaron Rogers, Eli Manning and dak Prescott walk into a bar

To watch the playoffs

Eli Whitney walked into a bar

Eli Whitney walked into a bar and told the bartender, "I think I'd like another gin."

Eli's Dirty Joke

Cowboy Earl and Betty are senior citizens. Well Earl has always wanted and expensive pair of Alligator Boots

Seeing them on Sale one day he buys a pair and wears them home
"Hey Betty y'all notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? Its' the same shirt you wore yesterday ...

Matt Schaub and Eli Manning walk into a bar. What happened?

They order a beer sampler and the bartender tells them to pick 6.

A man and his wife built a boat...

They called it the *Alfred1*, after a friend of theirs. However, it was poorly constructed and sank immediately.

They continued to try to build seaworthy vessels, but the same thing happened over and over. With the *Brian2*, the *Chris3*, and the *Daniel4*.

"We're really not very good ...

Once upon a time, there were two guys called Lala and Tata.

They both were seeing a girl named Eli. (Eli was double dating). Eli truly loved Lala, but Tata was better in bed, and she loved his touch on her body.
One day, they both found out that Eli was cheating on them. The three of them met together, and got into a heated argument with Eli. After a whi...

I met a British dude who insisted that he was a famous singer.

I said that I didn't believe him, but he was Adam Ant.

Right after the Baby was born, the Midwife asked me:

"Do you have a name yet?"
I said "Yes, it's Eli"
She said "Aww... That's a lovely name!"
"Thank you!" I said "-But what do you think we should call the baby?"

ELI5: Is human cloning possible?

SCIENTIST: Eli, I have 4 people I’d like you to meet...

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Saul, the Jewish Lottery Winner

So Saul, a 90-year-old Jew, wins the $300 million lottery. He's at the news conference to accept the check, and the reporters ask him if there's anyone he'd like to thank.

"Yes," he says solemnly. "I'd like to thank my brother Eli for lending me the $5 to buy the ticket, and my brother David...

A Student in Israel

David, an American student went to Israel for a semester to study abroad at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. As part of his program he was placed with a host family for housing. An elderly gentleman named Joshua Levin welcomed him into the large home with many rooms.

As Joshua gave a tour ...

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A man is in a bar when...

A man is having a drink at a local bar and a gorgeous woman comes in and sits down next to him. They talk a little then he asks her name.
"Carmen" she says.
He, of course, he compliments her name and asks where it came from.
With a very sultry look, she says she chose that name herse...

A boy stands before a judge

His parents are divorcing, and the judge asks him to choose where to live.

“Do you want to live with your dad?” asks the judge.

“No, because he beats me” replies the boy.

“Would you like to live with your mother?”

“No, she beats me too. I want to live with Eli Manning.”...

"Git yer cotton pickin hands off a my gin."

-Eli Whitney

My mouth so dry...

Eli Whitney walk up on me while I'm yawning and invent the cotton gin.

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