An old lady walks into an Apple store with a dripping wet MacBook in hand.

She finds an employee and tells him that her MacBook wouldn’t turn on after she cleaned it. The employee looks at the MacBook and sees that it’s soaking wet.

“Ma’am did you wash it with water?” He asks.

“Yes but I don’t think that’s what killed it.” Replied the old lady.

“Than w...

How do you stop a dishwasher from dripping?

Hand her a towel.

Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think...

Its a teabag

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

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Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach... NSFW

When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.

At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one fa...

An Old One That I Forget Where It Came From

Let me tell you a story about Dave. Dave was a very successful man in the field of Medicine. He had his own office. He had a cute receptionist. He had plenty of patients who loved him and everything was going his way.

But Dave had a secret that he was terrified of. You see, Dave recently ent...

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

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A bear goes into a bar in billings

And asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender replies “we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in billings.”

The bear is outraged and once again demands a beer. The bartender again says they don’t serve beer to bears in bars in billings.

The bear sees a woman drinking at the end of the...

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The Promotion (long)

“Spend $100 or more and get a free 20 pound or less frozen turkey, while supplies last.

That was the promotion our store ran every Thanksgiving for the last 17 years. Well, for as long as I’ve been here, that is.

But not this year

This year, we’re not running a promotion. I real...

So there’s this rich dying vampire who tells his three sons that he’ll give one one of them his fortune.

The three of them decide to have a blood sucking contest to decide who gets the fortune.

On the first night, the oldest brother goes out. He comes back with blood dripping down his chin. His brothers ask him how he did it and he points to a dead man. “See that guy over there? I drank all of h...

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service.

Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi...

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A man returns home from a doctors visit..

He sits down in front of his wife with tears dripping down his cheeks,

"I've got 12 hours to live.."

​

The wife begins to cry as she grabs her husbands cold hands,

"Is there anything I do for you? Any last wishes?"

​

The husband looks ...

Wanna get some blood!

One night at about 2:00am, 2 bats were hanging upside down, when one bat nudged the other bat's wing...'hey you wanna go and get some blood, a midnight snack?'
The other bat says...' now where the heck are we going to get blood at 2:00 in the morning?'
So the other bat says 'if you dont want...

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A man walks into a bar...

he goes to the counter and says: "Morning". "Morning," the barman answers. "I'd like to have three black coffees." "Three?" "Yeah. One for me, one for you, and one for that slutty wife of yours!" The barman is taken aback, as he realizes he's never seen the man before. He's a little angry, but decid...

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would reall...

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3 female friends sit down for coffee...

One of them starts talking about her recent sex-scapades with her husband:

"Well girls, last night when Andy came back from work he looked really tired, so I told him to go have a cold shower and I'd take care of him. When he goes to the bathroom, I wore my sexiest lingerie and laid down on t...

Fat Free French Fries

A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries.

“Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy.

He ordered some.

He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.
...

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Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

Not to be outdone, the seco...

A bear walks into a bar

The bear puts his hand down on the bar and the bartender sees it is wrapped in bandages and dripping blood. Then the bear says, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw....”

A synagogue is being audited by the IRS

The auditor was really eager to catch the Rabbi with wasting charity funds.

Auditor - what do you do with the candle drippings?

Rabbi - we collect it and send it back to the candle company. Every once in a while, they send us back new candles.

Auditor - when you're finished ea...

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe."

The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir...

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[NSFW] A homeless man walked into a piano bar

No one was playing the piano so he asked the manager if he could play.
The manager, seeing the ragged dirty old man refused, but he was persistent and begged
“Oh please just one song, I’m REALLY good I promise”
So he allowed him, “Okay one song, but then you must leave”
The homeless ma...

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[Long] 3 Vampire had a challenge...

They were so competitive that one of them decided that they should do a challenge. The challenge was they had to kill as many people they could in the shortest time. The first vampire flew and came back 5 minutes later. "Do you see that small village?" it asked, "Yes" the other 2 replied. "I killed ...

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A Man Dies and Goes to Hell

Upon his arrival, he is furious. He is roaring at the little imps that keep trying to drag him in, and demands to see his record.
Fed up, Satan goes up the man and says "Look, relax, man, it's Hell. We have all the sins down here! Look, you like to gamble, right?"

Flustered, the man resp...

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I was at a party the other night.

I walked into the rager eager for a drink to quell my thirst, it was 9pm and things were just starting to heat up. A few steps through the door and I was greeted by a petit partygoer with flashing lights in her hair, she said something but I couldn't hear her over the DJ, but I wasn't really interes...

Two vampires walk into a bar

Two vampires sit down at a bar. The first vampire orders a glass of blood but the second one just asks for a cup of hot water.

The first vampire is surprised by this and remarks "Just water? Are you feeling alright?"

The second vampire waves him off and pulls a dripping tampon from hi...

A king hired a professional thief

The king wants to steal the national treasure of the neighboring kingdom, something that, if he owns, he'll have the right to rule BOTH countries. He sent out a call across the land for the best, sneakiest, and most ruthless assassins, thieves, brigands, and highwaymen and stated their crimes would ...

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him. (Halloween super scary story)

**this super scary story as told me to be last night by an Irish dude**

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that ...

A young student asks his teacher....

“Teacher, may I go to the bathroom?”
The teacher replies, “Sure, but first you must recite your ABC’s.”
The kid then stands up and recites, “ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ”
The teacher then says, “where is the P?”
And the kid replies, “It’s dripping down my leg.”

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Two window cleaners are working at the airport building

One of them says, «I want to pee, let's come down»

«Dude, just piss from here».

«But there are people down there».

«See that fountain? Lean down and aim right there, no one will notice»

«No way, I'll fall down»

«Don't worry man, I'll hold you by the galluses»
...

A man with no arms is in need of a job...

He lacks experience in the service industry but his missing arms severely limit his ability to perform manual labour. Everyday he goes out looking for work and everyday he comes back dejected.

One morning—while flipping through the classifieds with his toes—he comes across the following ad,...

A kid gets out of his seat to leave class

"I'll be right back."

He's known for being a bit of a troublemaker, but the teacher can't deny him if he needs the restroom. The teacher says, "Alright, you can go. But first, spell today's vocabulary word, 'pterodactyl'."

He spells out, "T-E-R-O-D-A-C-T-Y-L."

She says to him, "...

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A bar needs a new pianist, so the owner puts up a sign in the window. “Pianist wanted, apply within”.

A couple of hours later, a young man walks in, and says he is there to apply. The owner sits him down at the piano, and the man breaks out into the most beautiful song ever heard.

The owner immediately wants to hire him, and out of curiosity, asks him the name of the song.

“Well... i...

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road...

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road, with a pickup truck parked nearby.

He parked his car, opened the door, and looked at the animal, a grizzly bear, with some of its limbs ...

Three hungry bats...

Three hungry vampire bats are hanging upside down in a tall tower at night, having not eaten anything for several days.
Extremely hungry they look around for something they can drink the blood off.

The first bat, sees something, flies away and returns several minutes later with blood dropp...

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the dutchess invited the whole royalty for tea at the palace.

When everyone got there, the duchess suggested to play "Solve the riddle", a game at which, she claimed, she was very good at.

Before starting, the duchess looked outside the window and saw her daughter riding her favourite mare

"I've got one", she said. "It's big and shaky, and girls ...

Penguin driving through the desert

It's 100* day and he's cruising along until his car starts smoking. He takes it easy until he makes it to a small town and finds a mechanic. The mechanic says to come back in an hour, so the penguin decides to explore the small town.

There's not much to see but he does find an ice cream shop...

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Steve and Jason have their car break down on a deserted country road. [NSFW]

It’s late at night, there is no cell reception and they see only one house for miles surrounded by corn fields so they walk over and ring the doorbell. A disgusting old, wrinkly lady answers the door and asks them what they want.

“Our car broke down and we need to call a tow truck but we don’...

Three guys go fishing...

Three guys go fishing. In the front of the boat is a cooler full of beer.

The first guy stands up and says, "I'm a Muslim and we believe that God does not want us to drink alcohol. We also believe that God is watching us all the time. Since God is watching me right now, I will not drink ...

One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.


"Where to?" he stammered.


"Vale Road," answered the wo...

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I bet I can piss into that glass

A guy walks into the bar, orders a pint of larger, downs the pint in one and slides the glass across the bar. He turns to the bartender and says "I bet you £500 I can piss into that glass, from here without missing a single drop."
The bartender says "You're on!".
Like lightening the guy jumps...

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The dirtiest joke I've ever heard, as told by my father.

So there were these two gay guys taking a shower. Just as things were starting to get sexy again, the phone rings in the living room. One of them hops out of the shower, and says

"Alright, I don't want you to mess around and cum before I get back! ;)", to which the other replies "I won't."...

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The local synagogue is having their taxes audited...

The IRS agent goes through the audit normally, and finds nothing wrong with the synagogue's taxes. Eager to find something amiss, he looks around and sees the candles burning. "Rabbi Rabinowitz," he begins, "what do you do with the drippings from the candles you burn?"
The Rabbi quickly repli...

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An unassuming man takes a seat at a stool in a bar...

...The bartender walks up to him and asks what he'd like to drink. The man says he'd like a $25 martini. Before the bartender leaves the man stops him

"I bet you $50 that I remove my left eye and hold it in my hand."

The bartender agrees, and the man takes out his glass left eye and h...

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George and Betty get frisky!!

Two old people sitting in the retirement home.
(George and Betty).

They are sitting staring out of the large bay window, looking out on to the beautiful garden.

Betty: Penny for your thoughts George?

George: ach sorry Betty, I was just thinking about my youth and all the thi...

A penguin is driving his car

When suddenly the car starts making rattling noises, smoke starts pouring from under the hood, and it continues to move forward by jumps and lurches. The Penguin sees an auto-shop up ahead and slowly pulls his car into the lot. The mechanic comes out and informs the penguin that's going to take ab...

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A Guy and His Turtle Walk Into a Bar...

And he sees another guy sitting at the bar with his pet greyhound. So he walks over to the guy and says "I bet you fifty bucks my turtle can beat your greyhound in a race to the other side of the bar". The guy looks at his pure-bred, muscular champion of a dog - then he looks at buddy's turtle - wit...

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A cowboy enters the bar and orders a small whiskey.

"One dollar," says the barman and pours the drink out.

Cowboy drinks it and orders a double whiskey.

"One dollar," says the barman and pours the drink out.

The cowboy is speechless, if one dollar, then be it so.

In some time, he orders again: "Let's stop the dripping, giv...

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Piss in a glass

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait, let me get this ...

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An oldie, but a........ Well, at least it's old

An American soldier on leave in Bangkok has spent all of his time frequenting the local brothels and enjoying many of their girls. After a couple of days he notices a rash beginning to form on his penis. In another day or so, his member is inflamed, swollen and red. Soon it's burning horribly and dr...

Three apprentice vampire bats

Three apprentice vampire bats are taken out to a farm and told to get as much blood as they can find by their teacher. 15 minutes go by and the first vampire bay returns with a little bit of blood on his teeth.
'Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? That'...

A student asks his teacher if he can go to the bathroom

"You can go to the bathroom after you recite the alphabet," replies the teacher.

The student recites the alphabet: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z"

"Where's the 'P'"? asks the teacher.

"Dripping down my leg."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three vampires just casually sitting on a bench at 02.00 am.

They all get hungry and the first one leaves them to find some fresh blood.
He returns after 30 minutes with some blood dripping from his chin.

“Where have you been?” The other two vampires ask.

“Do you see that light over there?” he asks them. “Yes” the others reply.

“There...

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general knowledge quiz

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ...

A woman is taking a shower when she hears a knock at the door...

She throws on a towel and goes to answer it. Outside is her next door neighbor, taken aback by her near-nudity. He says, "wow, I never realized how beautiful you were under all of that clothing! I'll pay you $800 right now to drop that towel!" Dripping wet, the woman scans the hallway. With no one i...

The Bat Bet

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood.

The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people."

The second bat returns with bloo...

Big Chief... No fart...

An old western doctor is sitting at his desk waiting for his next patient when a squaw walks in.

"What seems to be the matter" asks the doctor.
"Big Chief.... No fart..." comes the answer.

Well... the doctor thinks and grabs some small pills.

"Tell him to take these once a da...

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The bull trick (a bit long)

An old cattle farmer is being helped by the local vet with his herd of cows and bulls. It is breading season and some of his older bulls are having a bit of a hard time performing. These are top of the line studs, but age is finally catching up with the bulls. The farmer laments to the vet "Well, I ...

gross and not PC, but funny...

A guy walks into a brothel, and the madam greets him at the counter. He explains that he would like to have a go, but he is a little short on cash. The madam points to a very plain looking woman sitting in the parlor, and says "Well, that's Brenda. She will cost you $20." The guy explains that he re...

A flea walks into the office one morning... (slightly NSFW)

So a flea walks into the office one morning, freezing cold, dripping wet, and sits down at his desk, miserable. A concerned coworker, who is also a flea, walks up to his desk and says, "Hey man, what happened to you? You look like hell."

To which the flea replies, "Man, I had the worst nigh...

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Unemployed musician walks into a bar...

...and asks if they need a house musician to entertain the patrons. The manager told him to go ahead and show what he's got at the piano onstage.
So the man proceeds to play one of the most wonderful original songs the folks there had ever heard. It took everyone by surprise and he got a hear...

My favorite joke my mom told me from my childhood. - A kindergarten teachers birthday.

A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday and three of her students decided to bring her a gift.

The first students was little Timmy and his dad owned a Candy Store. Timmy walked up to his teacher and handed her a nice little gift wrapped box. The teacher thanked the student and told him...

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A Jewish Girl And A Greek Boy Fall In Love

When the Jewish girl tells her father that she has fallen in love with a Greek boy and wants to marry him, he hits the ceiling. He forbids it, on pain of disownment. The girl goes ahead and marries the boy, anyway. The old man does not even go to the wedding and stops talking to her altogether....

The Bats' Competition

Three Bats were talking about who was the best at sucking blood. The first bat though he was the best, while the other two though they were the best, so they decided to have a competition to see who really was the best.

The bats had 30 minutes each to see who could get the most blood.
...

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A bar walks into a man.

A bar walks into a man.

The man begins screaming uncontrollably as the corner of the building is inserted into his anus. Brick by brick, the bar forces its way inside the man's ass, as blood begins dripping down his legs. The man knows damn well it is impossible for such a large building to b...

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A man goes to a brothel

... and picks out a beautiful woman to be with. She leads him upstairs, perfume trailing behind her, long dark hair swishing against her perfect body. They get to a room decorated with velvet and candles and paintings of 18th century ships and she closes the door behind them. She stands in front of ...

Bob's Nails.

Bob made metal nails for all need and uses. For woodworking or construction, his nails where the best and he wanted to make a TV commercial to promote them.

So he went to a studio to get his commercial made. There he gave an idea of how he wanted his commercial "I want it to be epic and persu...

The new bull

Three bulls are standing around overlooking a field full of cows when they overhear the farmer tell one of the cowhands to get the trailer ready to pick up a new bull.
The old bull snorts and says, "I'm a tellin' ya what, there ain't but fifty cows here that are mine and if'n that new bull thinks...

Not ANOTHER brothel joke!

A Redditor walks into a brothel and says "I need to lose my virginity, tonight, but i only have five dollars. What can you do for me?"
The man at the desk looks at him and thinks and says "We have a dead one upstairs."
The Redditor thinks momentarily and decides that he'll do anything. He pays...

Penguin in Texas

A penguin decided he wanted to take a road trip. He had never really been out of Antarctica and really wanted to check out the States, so he flew to Miami and rented a car with the intent of driving to San Diego before flying home. Well, everything is going swimmingly until, somewhere in the middle ...

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Delivery

Disclaimer: Racist, but a black man told it to me, so I'm allowed to share.

There's a really kind-hearted delivery truck driver whose name is Steve. Steve has some good friends that he knows through work. One of his best friends is named Wally. Wally's wife had come down with pneumonia, so Wa...

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Mercedes driver

A rich banker just picks up his new set of wheels from the dealership, a 2015 top of the line Mercedes Benz S500 so he decides he'll go for a spin through the city to show it off a bit. He's driving around getting looks from everyone he passes and he feels great when all of a sudden he gets stopped ...

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Three men walking through a desert: a very dirty joke !

So there were three men walking through a desert, no food or water, when they come across an old, decrepit house. They knock on the door in hopes to find someone kind enough to spare some food and water. The person that answered was a vile, disgusting, and unsanitary old woman. It smells and looks a...

Rich Man and the Ranch

A rich man owns a multi-million dollar ranch in Puerto Rico. One day, his ranch supervisor, Paco, calls him on the phone.
"Yes, Paco, what is it?" says the Rich Man.
"Well, Señor, I have some bad news. Your prize thoroughbred, he has died."
"My thoroughbred? I was going to make millions...

The (Mostly) True Story of Two Musicians and a Summer in Boston

Last summer, I went to Boston for a music program and met up with a bunch of awesome musicians, people from all over the world with all sorts of talents. My two roommates, for instance, were super chill guys. Sam was a saxophone player from Santa Barbara and George was a guitarist from Chicago. Supe...