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Unbearable Jokes

Unbearable

Polar bear in water: Help! Please help! I'm dissolving!

Brown bear: But bears are insoluble...

Polar bear: That's easy for you to say... you aren't Polar.

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Unbearable

Bear walks into a bar in Bandera and says “Gimme a beer”. Bartender says “Sorry, but we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Bandera”. Well the bear doesn’t like that and again says “Gimme a beer”, and again the bartender says “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Bandera”. By now the bear is pr...

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Wife goes to the doctor complaining that her husband farts unbelievably in his sleep. It smells so bad that it has become unbearable sleeping in the same room.

She tells the doctor that her husband won't come to see a doctor because he doesn't believe he has a farting problem.

Doctor suggests some pills but the wife refuses saying that the husband won't take them. The doctor, confused as why then she is there, tells her jokingly, "why don't you the...

My dad rewards me when I earn a good report card, but any “C”s are punished with unbearable dad-jokes.

He likes to call it the carrot and schtick method of parenting.

I believe there is a point in life after which the suffering becomes unbearable and euthanasia is the only humane option.

That point is birth.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

A cowboy approaches this farmer and asks for a job...

... The farmer tells the cowboy that he has no vacancies - yet if the cowboy could do something special, he might consider.
The cowboy says: „Well, sir, I understand animals.“
„Ha,“ the farmer says, „how many times have I heard that before…“
In this moment, a cow moos from behind a s...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

One woman and four men had a plane accident and they landed on a deserted island

They all manage to survive and build their shelter. But slowly having four men for one woman becomes a problem. The men decide to solve the problem by not fighting but talkind and they decide that the woman should spend a week with each of them one by one. So they went to the woman and told the plan...

Scientists modified bears DNA to make them more humanlike.

Unfortunately the result was unbearable.

A man went to the dentist to schedule getting a tooth pulled.

"I don't have a lot of money." he confessed. "Is there any way we could make the procedure cheaper?"


"I suppose for a small discount," thought the dentist, "We could reuse some of our disposable tools. It may slightly increase your risk of infection, but, theoretically, you should be fi...

Sour Patch Kid Walks into a Support Group

Sour patch kid walks into a support group for separated couples.

He says, "Hello, I'm new, and my name is Barry. My wife, Godiva, and I have been together for 15 years, and have been separated for 2 of those years. She claims my mood swings are 'unbearable' "

Everyone says "Hi Barry ...

The mule

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of their home. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly

to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.



To no avail, she kept nagg...

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A man goes to a doctor for headache...

A man goes to a doctor for unbearable headache. The doctor diagnosis him. After the diagnosis the doctor turns to the man and says: "We must surgically remove one of your testicles, otherwise the headache won't go.". The man first retaliates but after learning that it is the only way he agrees so th...

A plane crashes in the pacific ocean. The only survivors are five men and a gorgeous woman

After a few days they end up on a desert island. After several failed attempts to get in contact with the outside world, they give up and come to terms with the fact that they have to spend the rest of their lives on this island.

They quickly acquire the necessary skills to build houses and l...

What did the man say when he dined at a restaurant filled with bears ?

“The service was unbearable”

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Szechuan STD

Guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I've been having a bit of trouble urinating and it's getting sore, more sore every day."

Doctor told him to undress and lie on the bench. So he did, and the doctor came back, examined him and shook his head. "You been to China recently?"

"Well, y...

Disturbance in church

A priest talks to a man who visits church religiously every sunday with his wife. The wife tends to fall asleep during his monologue and starts snoring rather loudly, and he'd like the husband to do something about it. They decide to use a knitting needle, where the husband would poke her when the p...

One teddy said to another-

"Life without you is unbearable".

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Dapple's Car Accident

Once upon a frosty Canadian winter, there lived a man named Dapple. Dapple was a proud Canuck, born and raised in the heart of the Great White North. He loved the snow, the maple syrup, and of course, ice hockey. But one fateful day, his life took an unexpected turn.


Dapple was driving ...

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Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to p...

Immigrants speak the best English.

Three paisanos from the old country are trying to impress each other with the big words they have learned in English.

One says, “My wife can’t have more children. That means she’s inconceivable.”

The second says, “That’s too bad, but you used the wrong word, you mean she’s impregnabl...

Once upon a time an evil witch decided to curse a young prince into a bear. The cursed prince sought help from a good wizard, but he refused. Why?

The prince was unbearable.

If a bear is telling puns in the forest, but no one is around to hear them.

Is it because he’s being unbearable?

A man goes to the doctor

**He says:** "doctor, when I rub my belly, it hurts.

When I press on my chest, it hurts more.

When I squeeze my neck, it is unbearable.

Do you know what I have doctor?"

**Doctor: "**Yes sir. Your finger is broken"

Why did the bear refuse the magicians offer to make him human?

Being someone else would've been unbearable.

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

A grizzly tried to eat me once

It was unbearable

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3 Men and a Woman are stranded on an Island

Like everyone, they try to establish contact to other people at first and they build a shelter.

After about 3 Weeks the Men approach the Woman with a proposal to let one of the 3 have sex with her every other day so that everyones Sex drive could be fulfilled.

The Woman agrees and the...

A dairy farmer walks in to his feed store and asks the clerk, "Has your product recently changed?"

"Same formula for two decades now" replies the clerk. "Why do you ask? Your cattle not eating?"

"No, it's not that. It's just that their flatulence has become unbearable. It used to not bother me, but it's got to the point that I can't even be in the barn without wearing a respirator."
<...

Why does the cow say moo?

So that he can, for a brief moment, escape the unbearable scream that is silence

An old woman goes to the doctor...

... and gets into the consultation, slowly walking until she reaches the doctor's desk. She sits down and begins to explain her problem to the doctor.

\-I have a terrible problem with my gas. I fart hundreds of times at the end of the day and since I have entered the room I have fart about 30...

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It's 1939 and the Soviets are attacking Finland.

So it's 1939, winter, the soviets are attacking Finland and the Karelian isthmus is basically a burning icy hell where peoples throats are cut in nightly raids and their blood turns to ice before their bodies hit the earth.

At one section of the Finnish trenches there are only two guys left ...

What's another name for a supernova?

A POPstar. HAHAHAHA. Living is pain. Unbearable. End me.

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A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman. A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!’ and at some point I just couldn’t keep up... so we split.”

“Well,” said the therapist, “what about the sec...

Little Mikey

Little Mikey Tomlinson loved his school. He lived in a little fishing village and his mom was the school teacher. The school had a tradition. If it was your birthday you got to choose the fish for lunch and any toy you wanted from the toy chest. For months he had his eye on a replica AC cobra hot wh...

A man is sitting in a taxi in Newcastle on his way home to Sunderland. He realises he recognises the taxi driver- and with great enthusiasm mentions this. "I know you! You picked me and the missus up that time from the train station and took us to the airport! Remember?"...

The taxi driver, who sees hundreds of different people every day, smiles politely and replies "Maybe.", rather unconvincingly. A typical, though nevertheless unbearable awkwardness follows whereupon the driver says "Riddle me this...". The passenger sits up straight and prepares for thinking.
...

When a woman is in labor...

When a woman is in labor and the pain is so unbearable, it is the closest she comes to understanding what it is like to be a man with the common cold.

:}

Shipwrecked

There was a shipwreck and just three men and one woman survived. It's was remote island and no hope for rescue so they decided to make the best of it and built a small settlement on the island. For survival of humanity they decided that there would take turns having the woman as their wife one week ...

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Guy has a massive headache and its not responsive to any medication.

After doctors researching whats wrong with him for months they finally cone to conclusion. They called the guy and deliver the news. Doctor says;

-Its good news, found the problem.

-What is it doc?

-We need to remove your penis.

Guy looks sad. But after some consideration...

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An Irishman comes home piss drunk

He climbs into bed next to his wife who is deep asleep, and closes his eyes. When he wakes up, he finds himself in a barn filled with animals and that he had become a chicken.
He starts freaking out and the hen next to him tells him to relax, that he's died in his sleep, and that he has been r...

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction.

When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Sin...

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I'll never forget how happy i was when i saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me...

..., My heart was beating so fast and the expectation was unbearable. It seemed to take so long but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said, 'get that fucking trolley over here they're doing three crates of Stella for the price of two!!!!

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5 men and 1 woman on a deserted island

Five men and one woman strand on a deserted island after their cruise ship sank. They are the only survivors. They find shelter and enough food and water to sustain them. So now they discuss the matter of sex. They all agree that each man gets his different day of the week to have sex with the woman...

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This man has a horrible pain on his neck

... so he goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him: "Well, I'm afraid the problem are your testicles, they dropped down, but for some reason they have crawled back inside your abdomen, and a side effect of this is that your spine contracts and you get the pain on your neck." The man then asks wha...

A high school senior was preparing for his prom...

He knew that the first thing he needed was a tuxedo. So he went to get a rental.

But his town was very small, and there was only one tux rental place nearby. Therefore, when he arrived he had to wait for three of his classmates to pick out their rentals before he could get his. He waited in ...

A missionary is treading the dangerous jungle...

He's been walking for weeks and has suffered mosquitoes, mud slides, leeches, dysentery and of course the unbearable heat and humidity. He's exhausted but in a few days he'll reach his destination.

Suddenly, a huge tiger leaps up from the bushes right in front of him. She's clearly hungry and...

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A man walks into a brothel looking for something cheap...

...and the owner tells him, "One of our best prostitutes died a week ago. She's still in her room and I can let you have your way with her for only $2." The man is hesitant at first but ultimately decides to do it because of his lack of funds for anything else. He hands the owner his money and walks...

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So a guy is sunbathing nude......

as he has a very hot date later in the evening. He over sleeps and gets a terrible sunburn on his front side. He applies all of the lotion he can and heads off to the date. The couple has a great dinner and they head back to his place. The two are making out pretty heavy and she is grinding on his b...

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A young couple wanted to join a church.

The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously ver...

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A small plane crashes on a tropical island. Only the two pilots and the flight assistant survive.

Soon they started to organize their lives, prepare a shelter, water etc.

Few days’ passes and then one night around the campfire they start chatting. Pilot1: let’s say it loud, we are two men and a woman on a desert island, we have our needs: let’s find an agreement about sex. The three star...

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3 men and a woman survive a plane crash...

... and get stranded on a lonley island. They find plenty to eat, but the question who can have sex with the woman has to be clarified. One proposes that everyone gets her on another day. The woman agrees and everything is going good for months. But then the woman gets sick and dies.
The first we...

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are sitting together and talking in a park when Jesus walks by.

The priest asks Him, "Are you really Jesus Christ?" He replies, "Yes, I am. How can I help you?" The priest says, "Well, Lord, I was involved in a very bad car accident a few years ago. Ever since then, I've been in severe pain. I can't stand up straight, and I'm unable to walk without this cane. Ca...

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She's gonna shit on you !

A guy takes his girlfriend to his parents' house for dinner for the first time. The girl was nervous and during dinner she wanted to fart. She farted silently, but the stinch was pretty unbearable. The father shouted at the dog: "Spooooot !" Happy that the father had blamed the dog, she continued to...

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Four guys and a girl get stranded on an island

Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they crash. Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. Each ...

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Arthritis

I've got an old friend, late 80s, who lost his wife about a year ago and can't take care of himself anymore. Anyway, we made the call to put him in a nursing home.

He was actually pretty excited about it. Thought maybe he'd meet a new girl since he hadn't had sex in over a year now. Anyway, w...

The Good Date Potato Pancake Joke

Was recently told this joke by my professor.

A boy is going on a date. Nervous, he asks the father for tips. The father runs the basics down and stresses one thing. "Now son, there are only three things you can talk about : Food, Family and Philosophy".

The boy has no reason to doubt h...

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NSFW the grossest joke I’ve ever heard

College girl is home for the weekend and asks her Dad “hey, can I use the car tonight?”

He says no, and reminds her that the last time she borrowed it she didn’t put any gas in and she scuffed the bumper. Despite her pleas and promises, the Dad steadfastly refuses to lend her the car. Since s...

I fell in love with an amazing man

When he proposed I decided to make a huge sacrifice: I gave up on my favourite food, beans.

A few months later, on my birthday, my car broke down. Called him to let him know I was coming later. Suddenly I smelled baked beans from a nearby restaurant and couldn't help myself. I figured I'd hav...

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A peasant was arguing with his wife...

... when, in a fit of rage, he threw her down the well.

A week later, he goes back to the well, hoping she got calmed, and he thew down a ladder in the well.

The only thing, it's the devil who got out, and thanked the peasant.

-- Gosh, thanks! It was getting unbearable with her ...

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Magic vibrator

A businessman needs go out of town for work. His wife is a sex addict and cannot go more than a day without sex. Fearing that she will cheat on him, he decides to buy a toy for her to keep her occupied while he is away. He goes to the nearest sex shop. He tells the sex shop owner about his wife. The...

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The lone nomad and his camel

A lone nomad was trying to pass through the desert on his camel. He had enough water and rations to complete his journey, but the loneliness was tornmenting him.

He rode his camel for three days and three nights without running into another soul. Eventually, the heat of the desert started p...

A young man grew fed up with modern life

A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep. So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked th...

A cheerful young noble knocks on a witch's door

A cheerful young noble knocks on a witch's door and tells her that he's always wanted to become a bear, and that he will reward her handsomely if she transforms him. She accepts, and starts gathering components for her spell. The man follows her around the whole time, explaining how he had read abou...

A man dies and finds himself at the foot of a mountain.

There is a sign by the mountain that reads ‘Welcome to Mount Olympus. To learn your fate in the afterlife, climb to the top and see the twelve deities.’

The man looks up the towering mountain, wondering how he will reach the high summit. As he starts his ascent he sees another man making his ...

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[Long] Once there was a guy who was suffering from a severe headache.

It went on for a month before he finally decided to visit a doctor. After completing the diagnosis, the doctor said, "You will have to lose a testicle". He was aghast when he heard the news. He pondered for few days —asked a few friends— and finally decided to operate it out. His headache receded fo...

Boonta

Three men are marooned on island in the middle of the sea. They soon realize that the island is the home of the Wanooka tribe, known for being ruthless and murderous. They are captured and brought to the main village. The Wanooka chief goes of to the first man and asks him a question. "Death or Boon...

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One sultry Sunday afternoon in Rome

On one sultry Sunday afternoon in Rome, there was a beautiful young nun walking back home after the service in the church. The priest who was driving back home in his wagon spots the poor nun walking home in the sweltering heat. Being the gentleman that he was and a servant of the Lord, he stops by ...

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

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A man visits a brothel

A man—a salesman to be exact—is driving along an old two lane highway. It’s the worst part of his territory, as it takes him far from home for days on end.

He misses his wife, his tv, his wife, his la-z-boy, and most of all...his wife.

His mind starts to wander as he thinks of his wi...

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Tom, John and Peter went for a long-awaited hike together.

After hours spent on hiking up the mountain, they finally reached the summit. Exhausted, they immediately collapsed on the ground, where Tom said,"I've got a surprise for you guys! He immediately took out the most delicious looking food that they ever saw. He then sat a picnic mat down. "This is to ...

Only in America

A European Count who had a fascination with the American West, arranged for a trip to a Texas town named Outlaw. Outlaw was small but didn't know it and the town fathers were determined to impress the Count with their worldliness. They arranged to have the local orchestra perform Beethoven's Ninth...

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Blind man

During summer there was a day that was so hot it was almost unbearable.

In an old church, with no fans or air conditioning there was two nuns and a priest. The nuns clothing was making them so hot since it was not very breathable material.

So they decided to go to the priest and ask,...

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