TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

Just been diagnosed with the dreaded ‘Peek-a-Boo virus’...



I’m being transferred to ICU.

I was just diagnosed as colorblind

It seemed obvious to everyone else but I guess I never connect the dots.

My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD.

Which means I hear voices but not for long enough to drive me insane.

A wife comes home one day and tells her husband she has been diagnosed as suffering from split personality syndrome.

“I thought you were just role playing”, replied the husband.

“No, but my psychologist has given me two options, live with it or lose one of the personalities” she says. “What do you think I should do”?

The husband thinks for a moment, “remind me dear, which one likes it in the ass”?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to see a psychic after being diagnosed with cancer

I saw a psychic to find out what my future held after being diagnosed with cancer.

She told me I was in a serious fight with my son.

I said, "I don't have a son."

She said, "Yeah, Leukemia is a bastard."

The doctor just diagnosed me with Kleptomania By Proxy

But I didn't take it personally.

I got some bad news today. I was diagnosed with the big C.

Dyslexia.

I have this rare condition where I may get consecutive numbers mixed up, and my friend just got diagnosed recently.

I thought I was the only two.

What do you call two friends who have both been diagnosed with Mesothelioma?

Asbesties

I've been diagnosed with temporomandibular joint dysfunction

Can't wait to get back to the daily grind.

Guys, bad news... I have been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Docs call it feefiphobia.

The influencer was diagnosed with paranoia.

He believed nobody was following him.

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

I was diagnosed with aphantasia today.

I can't imagine how it's going to affect my life really.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

I have been diagnosed as a kleptomaniac

I'm taking something for it three times a day.

The worst part about my wife being diagnosed with epilepsy is

when I ask her where she wants to get pizza, she can't decide between Shakey's and Little Seizures

So a horse is in a farm...

A horse is in a farm when one day he finds a website that claims it can teach any farm animal music.

"That's amazing," thinks the horse "I've always wanted to learn to sing."

He signs up for the website, and within a few weeks he is an incredible singer.

Impressed, he tells his ...

After I'm gone...

A woman walked outside a doctor’s office after recently being diagnosed with cancer. She was grieving but tried to compose herself in front of her daughter, who was waiting for her outside.

She broke the news to her daughter by saying, “We women celebrate every news, whether good or bad. I ha...

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"I've been diagnosed with a rare disease."

"Whenever I sneeze it gives me an orgasm."

"Oh wow, that must be embarrassing. Are you taking anything for it?"

"Pepper."

My doctor diagnosed me with Onomatopoeia....

It’s exactly what it sounds like.

“A man being diagnosed”

The doctor said, “pick a star sign, any star sign”.
The man said, “Uh, Capricorn”,
The doctor replied,”sorry mate, you got Cancer”

Chuck Norris diagnosed with Covid-19

Coronavirus now in quarantine for 14 days

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness

That came out of nowhere

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was diagnosed with infertility

Even after trying several meds he couldn't find cure. One day he was suggested by a friend to visit a miraculous hermit outside the town who claimed to cure all kinds of ailments. The man visits the hermit and describes his problem.

The hermit said: "I have a solution. Here are 2 magical cond...

I was just diagnosed with color blindness...

... it came completely out of the purple.

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

My Grandfather really liked Fall Out Boy

I never understood why, considering the age gap between him and the band. Every week, I’d go sit with him on his porch and we’d listen to the band, jamming out to some sick tunes and laughing our hearts out at each other’s awful singing. Unfortunately as time passed, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’...

The Rock and his family just got diagnosed with Covid-19

No one at his home can smell what he's cooking tonight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Diagnose

Yesterday my doctor diagnosed me with a disease which will ruin my sex life forever.
Your probably thinking Gonorrhea, Chlamydia or Aids!
It's much worse than that!
I've got arthritis in my hands!

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD,

I told him that it was impossible because there is no disorder in my life

They didn’t remove the right one.

Request: Little brother was just diagnosed with testicular cancer. Lefty is a goner, but as the older brother, I feel the obligation to have some good jokes ready to help him feel better. Unfortunately the title is as good as funny as I get, so please help a brother out. Thanks.
Edit he’s in his ...

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness.

It came out of the green.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the doctor diagnosed me with dyslexia

It was music to my arse

My doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer's.

It was a lot to process and the road ahead won't be easy,

but hey! At least I don't have cancer!!

My doctor diagnosed me with eczema but I think they're overreacting

It's just a little rash.

I was diagnosed as colour blind today.

It came completely out the yellow.

A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condo...

*One never knows,,, A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"

One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew he...

I was diagnosed with the corona virus at a brothel and the whole place was immediately quarantined.

Jeez, now I'll be stuck here for two weeks.

I just got diagnosed as colorblind.

I know, it certainly has come out of the purple.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.

Im worried shitless

My father was diagnosed with alzheimer's last year, so I've gotten really good at introducing myself...

To all of mom's new boyfriends.

Prince Charles diagnosed with Covid-19. Camilla has been cleared

Apparently horses can’t get the virus

Russia has identified the first Russian to be diagnosed with coronavirus.

Ivan Chestikoff.

My parrot was just diagnosed with an STD.

Vet says he has Chirpees. He said there's no need for concern, because it's a Canarial disease, and it's tweetable.

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

My boyfriend got diagnosed with diabetes.

Now he wants me to call him my sugar daddy.

A resident of St. Louis was recently diagnosed with depression

He's living in Missouri.

Guys, I am diagnosed with multi personality disorder!

Hahaha, me too

Mental illness joke. (I have this illness so I'm laughing at myself) I used to have a beautiful girlfriend who loved and cherished me before I got diagnosed with Schizophrenia

Then they put me on some pills and she disappeared

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure.

Divorce.

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existance of certain 80s bands..

there is no cure

A cat goes to the doctor to get diagnosed

He goes to his office and says:

Cat:"Doc, the last few weeks have been really rough, My head is starting to hurt a lot and my tummy hurts"

Doctor:"Well, those are common symptoms for...Damn it I forgot what's its called!"

Cat:"C'mon doc, I'm dying from curiosity"

Doctor:"...

The biggest problem I’ve been having after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s is after I wake up

I don’t know if the women in bed is my wife or if I should pay her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

My Doctor has just diagnosed me with paranoia.

He didn't actually say it.

But I know what he was thinking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doc : You have been diagnosed with obesity.

Me : Yeah it runs in my family.

Doc : Nobody runs in your family, you fat fuck.

A heavy metal fan was diagnosed with coronavirus

He’s down with the sickness

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife says to husband.

Wife: I can't believe it, first I am diagnosed with dyslexia.

Now I have tiny tits.

Husband: Tinnitus babe Tinnitus..

Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Fl...

I just got diagnosed with color blindness.

I gotta say this diagnosis came out of the orange.

Every 3 minutes, someone is diagnosed with dementia

Poor lad keeps forgetting he has it

A lady’s dog is diagnosed as hard of hearing...

Her vet says it’s because of the hair growing in its ears. So, she goes to the pharmacist with a prescription for a hair removal ointment.

The pharmacist tells her: “ If it’s for under your arms, use a quarter cup, if it’s for your legs, use a full cup.”

She says, “actually, it’s fo...

My friend told me he was diagnosed with HIV

I told him to stay positive

When I Got Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry .

Ever since I was diagnosed with dyscalculia, I don’t trust anyone anymore.

I can’t count on anybody.

A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving

A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving to make the most of his time left. He goes up in a plane, jumps out, pulls the rip cord, and nothing happens. He pulls the rip cord on the backup parachute, and nothing happens. He says, "Good thing the doctor told me I had six month...

My doctor diagnosed me this morning.

He said I have short term... something.... I just can't remember.

My friend is really struggling in trying to make clothes for people diagnosed as anorexic.

It's not really a growing market.

Why is autism less frequently diagnosed in non vaccinated kids?

You gotta be alive to have autism.

My doctor just diagnosed me as suffering from xenophobia.

I bet I caught it from one of those bloody foreigners.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was diagnosed as bipolar, without any sort of medical examination

He was caught fucking a female polar bear and a male penguin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer...

A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor tells her she doesn't have long. The husband is devastated.

On the way home the husband asks his wife if there is anything he can do for her, a fantasy she's never had fulfilled.

So the wife says, "Well, I've never had cunnilin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was diagnosed with constipation 4 times this week.......

Guess I don't give a shit anymore.

My 91 year old grandfather went to the heart doctor and was diagnosed with TMDB.

Too Many Damn Birthday's.


^^true ^^story

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A person, diagnosed with HIV for years, decides to visit a wise old sage.

The person visits the wise man and asks him, "I am very depressed with my life. What should I do? Please gives me guidance, O wise man!"

The old man says, "When life gives you lemons, made lemonade."

The person then walks out.

Days pass by but the person is still as sad with hi...

My doctor recently diagnosed me with Alzheimer's

Luckily I was able to go home and forget about it.

I was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease.

I was shaken by the news!

Who was the first man diagnosed with erectile dysfunction?

Cain.

He wasn't Abel.

My nan has been diagnosed with a hereditary brain disorder.

The main symptoms are forgetting what you were talking about, repeating yourself, repeating yourself, and a quarter pounder with cheese.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this 17 year old boy gets diagnosed with a terminal disease.....

The doctor tells the parents that he only have 3 days left to live, so the parents planned on making it the best 3 days of his life. Being their only child the wanted the best for him. they went to his favorite restaurant, went to the movies and went to an amusement park.
They rent a very expens...

I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder...

....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.

A man diagnosed with cancer was given six months to live, but he worked hard and proved them wrong.

He killed himself three hours later.

My best friend just got diagnosed with aphantasia

I can’t imagine what he’s going through.

My daughter was diagnosed with a pneumonia

I’m not sure where else to post this. This sub feels most fitting, but it’s been a long night. Please advise where it may be better suited if you’d like.

So our night sucked but had a silver lining in my two year old daughter’s comedic timing. We had to rush her to the ER at 3:00am (vomiting ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was recently diagnosed with testicular cancer, and learned they will have to amputate one of my testicles.

Now that's TWO things I share in common with Lance Armstrong.

I was recently diagnosed with a fear of all things Italian...

My psychiatrist named it "atsalottaphobia."

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with?

Meesathelioma.

Why shouldn’t you ask big favors of certain diagnosed patients?

They usually come with conditions

I was recently diagnosed as schizophrenic

but I don't trust that opinion because that voice knows nothing about psychology

I just got diagnosed as colour blind!

I didn't expect that - it came straight out of the purple!

I was diagnosed with an advanced case of mono...

The doctor told me it's now classified as stereo.

I told my GF that I had ,been diagnosed with sticky sperm syndrome.

She said that'd be hard to swallow.

What did the religious patient say when he was diagnosed with a skin abnormality?

Jesus, take the wheal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was once diagnosed as a Narcissistic Sociopath

but after a lot of hard work and a change in perspective, the doctor agreed I was just a sexy genius.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

I've been diagnosed with paranoia today.

If you ask me, this is only supposed to give me a false sense of security.

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