My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD.

Which means I hear voices but not for long enough to drive me insane.

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

Just been diagnosed with the dreaded ‘Peek-a-Boo virus’...



I’m being transferred to ICU.

A wife comes home one day and tells her husband she has been diagnosed as suffering from split personality syndrome.

“I thought you were just role playing”, replied the husband.

“No, but my psychologist has given me two options, live with it or lose one of the personalities” she says. “What do you think I should do”?

The husband thinks for a moment, “remind me dear, which one likes it in the ass”?

The doctor just diagnosed me with Kleptomania By Proxy

But I didn't take it personally.

I have this rare condition where I may get consecutive numbers mixed up, and my friend just got diagnosed recently.

I thought I was the only two.

I got some bad news today. I was diagnosed with the big C.

Dyslexia.

I've been diagnosed with temporomandibular joint dysfunction

Can't wait to get back to the daily grind.

What do you call two friends who have both been diagnosed with Mesothelioma?

Asbesties

Guys, bad news... I have been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Docs call it feefiphobia.

The influencer was diagnosed with paranoia.

He believed nobody was following him.

I was diagnosed with aphantasia today.

I can't imagine how it's going to affect my life really.

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

I have been diagnosed as a kleptomaniac

I'm taking something for it three times a day.

The worst part about my wife being diagnosed with epilepsy is

when I ask her where she wants to get pizza, she can't decide between Shakey's and Little Seizures

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I've been diagnosed with a rare disease."

"Whenever I sneeze it gives me an orgasm."

"Oh wow, that must be embarrassing. Are you taking anything for it?"

"Pepper."

My doctor diagnosed me with Onomatopoeia....

It’s exactly what it sounds like.

“A man being diagnosed”

The doctor said, “pick a star sign, any star sign”.
The man said, “Uh, Capricorn”,
The doctor replied,”sorry mate, you got Cancer”

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness

That came out of nowhere

Chuck Norris diagnosed with Covid-19

Coronavirus now in quarantine for 14 days

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife says to husband.

Wife: I can't believe it, first I am diagnosed with dyslexia.

Now I have tiny tits.

Husband: Tinnitus babe Tinnitus..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was diagnosed with infertility

Even after trying several meds he couldn't find cure. One day he was suggested by a friend to visit a miraculous hermit outside the town who claimed to cure all kinds of ailments. The man visits the hermit and describes his problem.

The hermit said: "I have a solution. Here are 2 magical cond...

The Rock and his family just got diagnosed with Covid-19

No one at his home can smell what he's cooking tonight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Diagnose

Yesterday my doctor diagnosed me with a disease which will ruin my sex life forever.
Your probably thinking Gonorrhea, Chlamydia or Aids!
It's much worse than that!
I've got arthritis in my hands!

I was just diagnosed with color blindness...

... it came completely out of the purple.

My doctor diagnosed me with eczema but I think they're overreacting

It's just a little rash.

My doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer's.

It was a lot to process and the road ahead won't be easy,

but hey! At least I don't have cancer!!

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD,

I told him that it was impossible because there is no disorder in my life

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the doctor diagnosed me with dyslexia

It was music to my arse

I was diagnosed with the corona virus at a brothel and the whole place was immediately quarantined.

Jeez, now I'll be stuck here for two weeks.

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

Prince Charles diagnosed with Covid-19. Camilla has been cleared

Apparently horses can’t get the virus

Russia has identified the first Russian to be diagnosed with coronavirus.

Ivan Chestikoff.

My father was diagnosed with alzheimer's last year, so I've gotten really good at introducing myself...

To all of mom's new boyfriends.

A man, renowned for rapidly building subterranean parking access for wealthy people that always followed the same design, was taken to the hospital after completing his 500th that year.

After careful examinations, doctors diagnosed the man with car port tunnel syndrome.

I was diagnosed as colour blind today.

It came completely out the yellow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.

Im worried shitless

A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condo...

I just got diagnosed as colorblind.

I know, it certainly has come out of the purple.

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existance of certain 80s bands..

there is no cure

A resident of St. Louis was recently diagnosed with depression

He's living in Missouri.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure.

Divorce.

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness.

It came out of the green.

Guys, I am diagnosed with multi personality disorder!

Hahaha, me too

A cat goes to the doctor to get diagnosed

He goes to his office and says:

Cat:"Doc, the last few weeks have been really rough, My head is starting to hurt a lot and my tummy hurts"

Doctor:"Well, those are common symptoms for...Damn it I forgot what's its called!"

Cat:"C'mon doc, I'm dying from curiosity"

Doctor:"...

Mental illness joke. (I have this illness so I'm laughing at myself) I used to have a beautiful girlfriend who loved and cherished me before I got diagnosed with Schizophrenia

Then they put me on some pills and she disappeared

My parrot was just diagnosed with an STD.

Vet says he has Chirpees. He said there's no need for concern, because it's a Canarial disease, and it's tweetable.

My Doctor has just diagnosed me with paranoia.

He didn't actually say it.

But I know what he was thinking.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

The biggest problem I’ve been having after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s is after I wake up

I don’t know if the women in bed is my wife or if I should pay her.

A heavy metal fan was diagnosed with coronavirus

He’s down with the sickness

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

A lady’s dog is diagnosed as hard of hearing...

Her vet says it’s because of the hair growing in its ears. So, she goes to the pharmacist with a prescription for a hair removal ointment.

The pharmacist tells her: “ If it’s for under your arms, use a quarter cup, if it’s for your legs, use a full cup.”

She says, “actually, it’s fo...

Every 3 minutes, someone is diagnosed with dementia

Poor lad keeps forgetting he has it

Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Fl...

My friend told me he was diagnosed with HIV

I told him to stay positive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doc : You have been diagnosed with obesity.

Me : Yeah it runs in my family.

Doc : Nobody runs in your family, you fat fuck.

Ever since I was diagnosed with dyscalculia, I don’t trust anyone anymore.

I can’t count on anybody.

I just got diagnosed with color blindness.

I gotta say this diagnosis came out of the orange.

When I Got Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry .

A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving

A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving to make the most of his time left. He goes up in a plane, jumps out, pulls the rip cord, and nothing happens. He pulls the rip cord on the backup parachute, and nothing happens. He says, "Good thing the doctor told me I had six month...

My doctor diagnosed me this morning.

He said I have short term... something.... I just can't remember.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was diagnosed as bipolar, without any sort of medical examination

He was caught fucking a female polar bear and a male penguin.

My friend is really struggling in trying to make clothes for people diagnosed as anorexic.

It's not really a growing market.

My 91 year old grandfather went to the heart doctor and was diagnosed with TMDB.

Too Many Damn Birthday's.


^^true ^^story

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A person, diagnosed with HIV for years, decides to visit a wise old sage.

The person visits the wise man and asks him, "I am very depressed with my life. What should I do? Please gives me guidance, O wise man!"

The old man says, "When life gives you lemons, made lemonade."

The person then walks out.

Days pass by but the person is still as sad with hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was diagnosed with constipation 4 times this week.......

Guess I don't give a shit anymore.

My doctor just diagnosed me as suffering from xenophobia.

I bet I caught it from one of those bloody foreigners.

Why is autism less frequently diagnosed in non vaccinated kids?

You gotta be alive to have autism.

I laughed when I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

Well I was crying a second earlier, but well yeah.

My doctor recently diagnosed me with Alzheimer's

Luckily I was able to go home and forget about it.

My nan has been diagnosed with a hereditary brain disorder.

The main symptoms are forgetting what you were talking about, repeating yourself, repeating yourself, and a quarter pounder with cheese.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer...

A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor tells her she doesn't have long. The husband is devastated.

On the way home the husband asks his wife if there is anything he can do for her, a fantasy she's never had fulfilled.

So the wife says, "Well, I've never had cunnilin...

Who was the first man diagnosed with erectile dysfunction?

Cain.

He wasn't Abel.

My best friend just got diagnosed with aphantasia

I can’t imagine what he’s going through.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was recently diagnosed with testicular cancer, and learned they will have to amputate one of my testicles.

Now that's TWO things I share in common with Lance Armstrong.

My daughter was diagnosed with a pneumonia

I’m not sure where else to post this. This sub feels most fitting, but it’s been a long night. Please advise where it may be better suited if you’d like.

So our night sucked but had a silver lining in my two year old daughter’s comedic timing. We had to rush her to the ER at 3:00am (vomiting ...

I was recently diagnosed with a fear of all things Italian...

My psychiatrist named it "atsalottaphobia."

I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder...

....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.

Why shouldn’t you ask big favors of certain diagnosed patients?

They usually come with conditions

I told my GF that I had ,been diagnosed with sticky sperm syndrome.

She said that'd be hard to swallow.

A man diagnosed with cancer was given six months to live, but he worked hard and proved them wrong.

He killed himself three hours later.

I was diagnosed with an advanced case of mono...

The doctor told me it's now classified as stereo.

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was once diagnosed as a Narcissistic Sociopath

but after a lot of hard work and a change in perspective, the doctor agreed I was just a sexy genius.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife got diagnosed with breast cancer

I told her it couldn't be that bad and she lost her tits.

I just got diagnosed as colour blind!

I didn't expect that - it came straight out of the purple!

What did the religious patient say when he was diagnosed with a skin abnormality?

Jesus, take the wheal

I've been diagnosed with paranoia today.

If you ask me, this is only supposed to give me a false sense of security.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with?

Meesathelioma.

I have been diagnosed with DID or Multiple Personality Disorder.

Apparently there are multiple personalities inside of me fighting their way out.

I would take them all over my ex-wife's one!

Edit: Don't believe this guy! He sucks at telling jokes.

Edit: Shut up Jeff!

Edit: No, you shut up Karen!

Edit: you guys are impossible to ...

"Hey bro, so I just got diagnosed with a dairy allergy."

"No whey, man."

I've just been diagnosed with a rare form of amnesia where I can't remember a small amount of 80's music bands.

Unfortunately there is no cure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got diagnosed with kleptomania.

My therapist reccomends I take something for it.

A guy gets diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and is feeling down, his doctor tells him that type 2 is less serious than type 1 and that he should stay optimistic, the patient replies "doctor, please don't sugar-coat it for me"...

Doctor says: "sir, I'm being candyd"

The doctor diagnosed me with hypochondria today.

I'm not surprised, I've had everything else.

My sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease affecting the lungs...

The doctor said she only had 5 more years to live. Her last wish before she died was to go to Berkeley University. I thought it over for a while and said “To Berk You Go Sis!”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.