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Diagnosed Jokes

An Irishman is diagnosed with incurable cancer.

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and sad...

Just been diagnosed with the dreaded ‘Peek-a-Boo virus’...



I’m being transferred to ICU.

I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness.

It came out of the green.

My doctor diagnosed me with "Autocorrect Syndrome"

I didn't even know I was I'll.

I was just diagnosed with color blindness...

... it came completely out of the purple.

I was recently diagnosed with a fear of giants.

Fee-fi-phobia.

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doc : You have been diagnosed with obesity.

Me : Yeah it runs in my family.

Doc : Nobody runs in your family, you fat fuck.

My parrot was just diagnosed with an STD.

Vet says he has Chirpees. He said there's no need for concern, because it's a Canarial disease, and it's tweetable.

After his wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer, a man goes to the local apothecary

"You have to help me," the man says. "The doctor said my wife is going to die on Wednesday."

"Say no more!" says the apothecary, and he gives the man a jar of pills. "Tell your wife to take these."

The man does as he's told and returns to the apothecary.

"Did it work?" the apoth...

I've been diagnosed as a kleptomaniac

I've been taking all kinds of stuff for it

I just got diagnosed having cellulitis in my leg.

Of course it hurts like hell. I'm just glad it wasn't higher: then it'd really be a pain in the ass!

When I was young, I was diagnosed with dyslexia and now...? ADD

I don't think I have the mental focus to be a father.

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My therapist just diagnosed me as a people’s person…

..but he insists it’s called multiple personality disorder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just been diagnosed with Gloria Gaynor disease...

At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Until the doc told me that I will survive.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

A lawyer gets diagnosed with a terminal Illness.

On his deathbed, he asks for a Bible. The hospital staff thinks he has become religious now that his end is near. The doctor notices him going through every line carefully with a grave expression, so he asks, "what are you doing?". The lawyer looks up and replies dryly, "looking for a loophole."

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My therapist just diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and extreme indecisiveness.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD.

Which means I hear voices but not for long enough to drive me insane.

I got diagnosed with tourettes today

guess it's time to tic that off my to-do list.

Just been to the doctors and she diagnosed me as paranoid…

We’ll, she didn’t say that but I know that’s what she was thinking.

Just been diagnosed with Swedish flat pack syndrome.

Sadly I have no IKEA what it means.

I just got diagnosed with color blindness.

I gotta say this diagnosis came out of the orange.

There was an old man who was diagnosed with hearing loss

Little by little, he couldn't hear certain words. Sooner or later he couldn't hear much at all. He explained to his wife the doctor told him the only phrase he'll still hear is "I love you". For the next 3 weeks, the only thing he could hear was "I love you". From early morning to late at night his ...

So I was diagnosed with Type II diabetes.

Diet, exercise, and proper meds have kept me off of insulin but since I've developed nephropathy in my feet,my podiatrist recommended that I start wearing diabetic socks.

I didn't even know socks could get diabetes!

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

I was diagnosed as colour blind today.

It came completely out the yellow.

A man, at a routine checkup, is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

Doctor: I'm sorry. At this stage, the cancer has spread too far for us to stop. Our treatments will only postpone the inevitable.

Patient: Doc, please! Isn't there anything- anything at all- that you can do?

Doctor: Well... there is one thing. I don't know if it'll help, though.
...

I got diagnosed without having a left lung.

My doctor said I was all right.

I was just diagnosed as colorblind

It seemed obvious to everyone else but I guess I never connect the dots.

Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Fl...

A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condo...

“A man being diagnosed”

The doctor said, “pick a star sign, any star sign”.
The man said, “Uh, Capricorn”,
The doctor replied,”sorry mate, you got Cancer”

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A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer...

A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor tells her she doesn't have long. The husband is devastated.

On the way home the husband asks his wife if there is anything he can do for her, a fantasy she's never had fulfilled.

So the wife says, "Well, I've never had cunnilin...

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Diagnose

Yesterday my doctor diagnosed me with a disease which will ruin my sex life forever.
Your probably thinking Gonorrhea, Chlamydia or Aids!
It's much worse than that!
I've got arthritis in my hands!

I was diagnosed with antisocial behaviour disorder, so I joined a support group.

We never meet.

I was diagnosed with aphantasia today.

I can't imagine how it's going to affect my life really.

I have been diagnosed as a kleptomaniac

I'm taking something for it three times a day.

The influencer was diagnosed with paranoia.

He believed nobody was following him.

Chuck Norris diagnosed with Covid-19

Coronavirus now in quarantine for 14 days

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with?

Meesathelioma.

I just got diagnosed as colorblind.

I know, it certainly has come out of the purple.

My son has been diagnosed with eczema, so I've made him a playlist to cheer him up.

Hopefully he likes Simply Red.

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"I've been diagnosed with a rare disease."

"Whenever I sneeze it gives me an orgasm."

"Oh wow, that must be embarrassing. Are you taking anything for it?"

"Pepper."

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When the doctor diagnosed me with dyslexia

It was music to my arse

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD,

I told him that it was impossible because there is no disorder in my life

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

I've been diagnosed with temporomandibular joint dysfunction

Can't wait to get back to the daily grind.

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My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.

Im worried shitless

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

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A man was diagnosed with infertility

Even after trying several meds he couldn't find cure. One day he was suggested by a friend to visit a miraculous hermit outside the town who claimed to cure all kinds of ailments. The man visits the hermit and describes his problem.

The hermit said: "I have a solution. Here are 2 magical cond...

The doctor just diagnosed me with Kleptomania By Proxy

But I didn't take it personally.

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands...

There is no cure...

I think I have anxiety, but I don’t want to be diagnosed by a doctor

I’m worried if they tell me I don’t have it, I would’ve wasted their time.

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I went to see a psychic after being diagnosed with cancer

I saw a psychic to find out what my future held after being diagnosed with cancer.

She told me I was in a serious fight with my son.

I said, "I don't have a son."

She said, "Yeah, Leukemia is a bastard."

Every 3 minutes, someone is diagnosed with dementia

Poor lad keeps forgetting he has it

Prince Charles diagnosed with COVID-19

The queen will have a receding heir line

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I got diagnosed with kleptomania.

My therapist reccomends I take something for it.

A man is diagnosed with a terminal illness...

He goes to his friend who is also a doctor for a second opinion.

Doctor says, "I've reviewed the test results- You've only got about 6 months left to live." The man says, "Doc give it to me strait is there anything I can do?!" Doc says, "As a your doctor or as your friend?" - "as a friend, do...

My doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer's.

It was a lot to process and the road ahead won't be easy,

but hey! At least I don't have cancer!!

I got some bad news today. I was diagnosed with the big C.

Dyslexia.

I've recently been diagnosed as delusional.

Edit: Thanks for my first Reddit gold, people!

My doctor diagnosed me this morning.

He said I have short term... something.... I just can't remember.

I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder...

....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.

What do you call two friends who have both been diagnosed with Mesothelioma?

Asbesties

A heavy metal fan was diagnosed with coronavirus

He’s down with the sickness

A cat goes to the doctor to get diagnosed

He goes to his office and says:

Cat:"Doc, the last few weeks have been really rough, My head is starting to hurt a lot and my tummy hurts"

Doctor:"Well, those are common symptoms for...Damn it I forgot what's its called!"

Cat:"C'mon doc, I'm dying from curiosity"

Doctor:"...

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness

That came out of nowhere

Prince Charles diagnosed with Covid-19. Camilla has been cleared

Apparently horses can’t get the virus

The Rock and his family just got diagnosed with Covid-19

No one at his home can smell what he's cooking tonight.

I was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease.

I was shaken by the news!

I was recently diagnosed as schizophrenic

but I don't trust that opinion because that voice knows nothing about psychology

Who was the first man diagnosed with erectile dysfunction?

Cain.

He wasn't Abel.

A resident of St. Louis was recently diagnosed with depression

He's living in Missouri.

Diagnose

Doctor: Well, those results look bad...
Patient: How bad are they?
Doctor: It depends, how old are you?
Patient: I will be 24 soon.
Doctor: Pffff, no you won't.

My daughter was diagnosed with a pneumonia

I’m not sure where else to post this. This sub feels most fitting, but it’s been a long night. Please advise where it may be better suited if you’d like.

So our night sucked but had a silver lining in my two year old daughter’s comedic timing. We had to rush her to the ER at 3:00am (vomiting ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

I just got diagnosed as colour blind!

I didn't expect that - it came straight out of the purple!

I've been diagnosed with paranoia today.

If you ask me, this is only supposed to give me a false sense of security.

Russia has identified the first Russian to be diagnosed with coronavirus.

Ivan Chestikoff.

My doctor diagnosed me with eczema but I think they're overreacting

It's just a little rash.

I've been diagnosed with Alzheimer's bulimia.

I eat and eat but then forget to vomit.

My doctor just diagnosed me as suffering from xenophobia.

I bet I caught it from one of those bloody foreigners.

A wife comes home one day and tells her husband she has been diagnosed as suffering from split personality syndrome.

“I thought you were just role playing”, replied the husband.

“No, but my psychologist has given me two options, live with it or lose one of the personalities” she says. “What do you think I should do”?

The husband thinks for a moment, “remind me dear, which one likes it in the ass”?

Sinatra is diagnosed with schizophrenia...

He goes to see a psychologist and starts talking about his split personalities.

One is the charismatic singer who can perform and woo crowds with his talent and charm.

The other is Steve, who is reserved and shy and can’t even speak in front of more than a few people.

He star...

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I was diagnosed with constipation 4 times this week.......

Guess I don't give a shit anymore.

The doctor diagnosed me with hypochondria today.

I'm not surprised, I've had everything else.

A lady’s dog is diagnosed as hard of hearing...

Her vet says it’s because of the hair growing in its ears. So, she goes to the pharmacist with a prescription for a hair removal ointment.

The pharmacist tells her: “ If it’s for under your arms, use a quarter cup, if it’s for your legs, use a full cup.”

She says, “actually, it’s fo...

Why is autism less frequently diagnosed in non vaccinated kids?

You gotta be alive to have autism.

My best friend just got diagnosed with aphantasia

I can’t imagine what he’s going through.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder...

And now she's on the news, apparently she was murdered by one of her patients, wonder if I ever saw him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just been diagnosed with paranoia and constipation.

I'm scared shitless.

I was recently diagnosed with mesothelioma

it's tough sometimes, but I'm doing asbestos I can.

Herb was diagnosed with cancer.

It was a basil-cell carcinoma.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was once diagnosed as a Narcissistic Sociopath

but after a lot of hard work and a change in perspective, the doctor agreed I was just a sexy genius.

Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

Donald Trump was diagnosed with COVID-19 by one of those COVID-sniffing dogs.

As soon as he took a sniff, he started digging a hole.

My nan has been diagnosed with a hereditary brain disorder.

The main symptoms are forgetting what you were talking about, repeating yourself, repeating yourself, and a quarter pounder with cheese.

A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving

A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving to make the most of his time left. He goes up in a plane, jumps out, pulls the rip cord, and nothing happens. He pulls the rip cord on the backup parachute, and nothing happens. He says, "Good thing the doctor told me I had six month...

My doctor diagnosed me with paranoia yesterday

Well that's not what he said, but I could tell he was thinking it

Someone I know was diagnosed as a psychopath.

He doesn't know how to feel.

This is my first joke. Be nice!

A doctor says grimly to a patient, "You are a very sick man. You've been diagnosed with covid, monkey pox, swine flu, Ebola, and bubonic plague all at the same time."

"Is there anything that can be done to help me?" asks the patient.

"Amazingly, there is," says the doctor. "First, we'...

I'm bummed out because i was just diagnosed with alzheimer's

at least I don't have alzheimer's

A calendar gets diagnosed with terminal cancer...

Poignant and pensive, he says, "I suppose my days are numbered."

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