UPJOKE
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What type of pasta do crooked musical writers like?

Rigatoni

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A monkey was smoking weed in a crooked tree...

A lizard, climbing up the tree, see the monkey rolling up a blunt and asks, "hey monkey! can I have a hit?"

The monkey promptly offers him some, and for some time they're smoking together. The lizard, feeling thristy, looks at the monkey, who's almost falling asleep, and says, "I'mma go drink...

Crooked street in SF is the second most crooked street in the USA...

Wall street being the first...

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on crooked.

She looked confused.

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What do you call a rabbit with a crooked penis?

Fucks funny!

What do bent lines and wartorn countries have in common?

Crooked Rulers.

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cold lips

There once was a young apprentice shepard learning the ropes of his job at an old remote farm in the mountains. The old shepard took the young apprentice under his wing. "Looky here rook, you're going to be staying alone for the night at the farm. We've had problems with the wolves before, but if th...

A rather crooked friend of mine said that he was gonna trick some nuclear researchers.

I was a little worried. I asked if it was a conCERN.

Someone said I couldn’t tell a pun about crooked teeth

Well brace yourselves!!!!

I've got a lot of puns about people with crooked teeth

You'd better brace yourself

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It’s difficult to have sex with my crooked penis.

But my girlfriend bends over backwards to accommodate me.

Politician

I knew a politician who was so crooked, when he died he had to be screwed into the ground

A bus full of ugly people drives off a cliff.

They all make it to Heaven. When they get there God makes them all form a single-file line before the pearly gates and explains to them that as you enter paradise, you can make one wish, so long as it's not to come back to life or anything that interferes with the world of the living.

The...

What did the lazy dentist say to his patient with crooked teeth?

Brace yourself.

A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar.

He sits down and drinks coffee.

Did you know that Chewbacca's brother Pannubacca died when Princess Leia's home planet was destroyed?

Pannub, as his friends called him, had never had much luck with the ladies and was horribly shy due to his terribly crooked teeth. After years of loneliness Pannub decided to do something about his problem and flew to Leia's planet, which everyone knows was well known for their excellent orthodontis...

Hillary's so crooked...

she needs a Kaine for support.

What do you call a beach with crooked waves? [OC]

A Scoli-ocean!

(Came up with that recently, hope it tickles your funny bone)

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Family ties, or is we kin?

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local factory.


After a few beers, the first guy says to the second,

"If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your ...

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A woman was running late for Sunday mass.

As she ran up the church steps, she tripped and fell...her dress came up and her hat flew off. She stood up, put on her hat and started straightening out her dress when she saw a priest standing at the door,

"Excuse Father Ryan, is mass out?" she asked

The priest looked at her and sa...

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My terrible cake day joke

I had a crooked dick then i got a blowjob from a chick with braces. Now it’s so straight i can prove the earth is round.

What did the Officer say after arresting the crooked cook?

"I just booked a cook for cooking the books."

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?

Chelsea Clinton

A young blind man is staring vacantly at the dairy aisle at the grocers.

A staff member comes up and asks if she can help him.

“Yes, ma’am. Can you tell me what milk is?” She seems perplexed but answers “well, milk is a white drink.”

“Ahh, now I know what a drink is… but what is white?” The woman is further unsure of the whole situation but thinks and says ...

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An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

A redneck goes up to a Catholic church in the South

He stands there for a little while and soon an old lady walks up to him

She asks, "Excuse me sir, is mass out"


He tips his hat and says, "No ma'm but your hats on crooked"

Politicians in the US remind me of British teeth.

Some are sharp, most are white, and all are crooked.

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A princess wanted to get married...

Deep in the German forests, there was a huge castle. It housed the king, his beautiful daughter and some servants. One day, the princess decided that she wanted to get married to a man. When she confronted her father and told him about her decision, he got very displeased and denied her request. Aft...

An old man is traveling to a far off land, but is arrested in a city named Runnia along the way.

The townspeople of Runnia are convinced that he was the murderer of Barth F. Bradley, the local butcher. Though there is not much evidence of the claim, a witness claims he saw the old man leave Bradley's shop on the night of the murder. The townspeople, who were always suspicious of strangers, cons...

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

Life is not fair

My mom said i couldn’t get a lightsaber but she bought herself a purple lightsaber, to make matters worse, it vibrates and it’s in some crooked shape, but on the bright side, it’s short.

A rather drunk lieutenant formed up the platoon:

"Soldiers, why is the formation so crooked?"
"Because the Earth is round!" - someone called out.
"Who said that?"
"Galileo."
"Galileo, step forward!"
"But he has died long ago!"
"So then?! People here are dying, and no one is reporting this to me?"
...

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There is a young man who lives a terrible life.

He had to go to school AND go to work, but his teacher hated him and would fail him for every test he took, and his boss was so cheap and crooked, he was barely making any money at all even after working for him for years. On top of that, he was hated so much by his co-worker and that there was an a...

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A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink...

Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.

After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air.

His whiskers were b...

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven.

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven. As they are approaching the gates of heaven they notice there are ducks that cover almost every inch of heaven. They ask St. Peter about the ducks.

“They are very sacred creatures and if you step on 1 you will be handcuffed to an ugly per...

I’ve been trying to hang a picture of Donald Trump in my house

But no matter what I do it’s always crooked.

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A farmer's three virgin daughters are all going on their first date...

Farmer brown loves his daughters dearly, and is fiercely protective of them. So when they all ended up going on their first dates all on the same night, you might say he was a bit angry.

The farmer agreed, but only if he could meet each potential suitor at the door with his shotgun at his sid...

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[Original joke] [Long] A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic with ice. The bartender nods and prepares the drink. A few moments later, he hands the man a glass of gin and tonic, with no ice. The man notices and points out the mistake to the bartender.

The bartender smiles. "Sorry, I had to remove the ic...

Lindsay Lohan at a Church joke

Lindsay Lohan goes to Church but is not sure what the schedule is due to the virus. She spots little Johnny and asks him.

Lindsay Lohan: "Is mass out today"


Little Johnny: "No, but your hat is a bit crooked"


I am going to Hell.

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A young boy walks in on his parents arguing...

It's the evening of Thanksgiving and a young boy happens upon his parents who are arguing loudly in the kitchen. "You're a bitch!" Yells the father. "You're a bastard!" Yells the mother. "Well you've got floppy tits!" Says the father. "Yeah? Well you've got a crooked dick" Cries the mother. The fath...

What is green and broken ?

A crooked-ile.

A nun wakes up late for church....

She runs out after quickly getting dressed, and asks a small boy, "Is mass out?"

He replies, "No but your hat's on crooked."

Cletus takes out a loan for a new truck.

He keeps up with the payments, and everything seems to be going well, when suddenly the bank repossesses it without warning.

He decides to go to the police, and it turns out he's not the only person who's been ripped off by this particular bank.

After talking to the police chief, it'...

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A middle aged man is turning 40 and he's feeling severely depressed,

so he decides he'll treat himself to a prostitute. He and his companion for the evening retire to a motel room and he sits down on the side of the bed. The john starts untying his shoes and eventually slips off his socks.

In utter shock, the lady of the night gasps and says "What the fuck is ...

A group of scientists run an experiment on a frog

They teach it to jump on command by using flies as treats. Now when they say "Jump" the frog jumps.

Then they chop off one leg. They say "Jump" and the frog jumps in a crooked path. So far so good.

Finally, they chop off the other leg. They say "Jump" and the frog does not jump.
...

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My Chinese Wife: Lost in Translate

This isn't a joke, but a true story and a lesson for those who dare tackle racial boundaries. I spent a couple years living in China (I have no Chinese heritage whatsoever), where I met my wife, who speaks Mandarin & some English as a 2nd language. Her English is good, but she struggles with s...

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My dad is like a boomerang

As a kid no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get that crooked piece of shit to come back

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Man at a motel in the middle of nowhere

This joke is actually best heard in Hindi, let's see how well it does translated.

A man is staying in a room at a motel at night in the middle of nowhere, on his way to a different city. Being the only establishment as far as the eye can see, let's just say the management is lax about basic u...

Country Politics

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, s...

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The day before Thanksgiving this little boy heard his mom and dad fighting....

The husband said to his wife, "You stupid bitch, you have floppy tits." She wasn't about to be outdone and said, "Well you have a crooked dick, you bastard." Well, the little boy heard every word
they said. After they got done fighting, he went up to the mom and asked her what bitches and bastard...

If President Trump passes away while in office, he will never admit it because...

...he'll continue tweeting denials about it from the grave:

===

---

>>###Yes, it is true - Tupac Shakur, the great Afro-American musician, called me about getting together for a meeting. We met, HE IS A GREAT GUY!

>>— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) Decembe...

Another parrot joke.

A boy decides he'd like to have a parrot. But searching around he finds that they are all very expensive. He finally finds one at a discount a a local pet shop but it has a crooked beak.

He decides to buy it anyway because he's read on the internet that it can be carefully filed straight. ...

Two construction workers are eating lunch together

"Say, friend," says the one, "do you like fat women with long greasy hair?"

"Not on your life!"

"Do you like them with cross-eyes, big noses, and flat faces?"

"Never!"

"Maybe you like girls with crooked teeth and bad breath?"

"Of course not!"

Silence fell fo...

Happy Retirement

My friends that still work ask me frequently what I do every day, now that I'm retired. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and entered a shop; I wasn't there for even five minutes.

When I exited, a cop was filling out a ticket for double-parking. I quickly approached him and sai...

Nicaragua just signed the Paris Climate Agreement, leaving the US and Syria as the only nations not in the agreement.

It's interesting. One of these countries is a corrupt, remote wasteland headed straight into chaos, pitting religious fundamentalists headed by a crooked tyrant against the majority of the people, and the other one is Syria.

Ode to Hillary

Ode to Hillary

There was a crooked woman, and she wore a crooked smile
She found a crooked dollar and she dodged a crooked trial
She bought a crooked server, and wed a crooked spouse
And they all lived together in a little crooked house

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A lifeguard sees a physically handicapped child come up to the public pool.

So the lifeguard gets ready to jump in and make a rescue as he sees the kid clumsily put down his towel to go for a swim.


As soon as the handicapped boy touches the water, he starts swimming with athletic ease. Going one lap crawl, the other butterfly, back and forth , back and forth.
...

Hooker and the awkward John

A guy walks into a brothel and whispers to the madam "I'd like a girl for the night but she has to be understanding about physical disabilities." She gives him the keys to a room and he heads up. A beautiful woman walks in and tells him everything will be okay, he should relax and take off his cloth...

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