Told my husband I want to be cremated.

He made me an appointment for Tuesday.

My wife and I were chatting the other day and she said to me, “Honey, I’ve thought a lot about it, and I’ve decided I’d like to be cremated.”

So I said to her, “Alright, go get your coat.”

When the Kardashians die, they won't be buried or cremated.

They'll be recycled.

If you die and get cremated, . . .

you can be put into an hourglass and still be included in family game night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was driving with my wife recently and we were talking about what we wanted to happen to our bodies when we died. I want to be cremated and put in a pot of chili. She asked why.

So I can tear that ass up one last time.

When I die, I want to be cremated in a restaurant.

That way, y'all can take eggs, cream, and a pie crust and quiche my ash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man suddenly dies and is cremated...

The mortician not knowing what to do with the ashes contacts the man's last 3 lovers. All 3 were also men.

Upon arrival, the mortician take the 3 men into his office and asked, "please tell me what you would do with this man's ashes if I hand them over to you?"

The first man's says, "...

I want to be cremated as it is my last hope

for a smoking hot body.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

When my Great Grandfather died they cremated his body but kept his toupee.

It is considered a family hairloom.

I’ve decided I’ll be cremated.

My appointment is 10am on Thursday.

When I die, I want to be cremated...

I think I've urned it.

Anyone can be buried when they die

But if you wanna be cremated, you have to urn it!

Credit to celinaspookyboo on ig

My uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he kept fighting them off and drowned. We had him cremated...

he burned for three days.

In a snowstorm, Hagrid takes the cremated remains of Harry Potter and throws it out.

You're a blizzard Harry!

Why can’t the Pope be cremated?

Because he’s alive

My family couldn't agree on whether to get grandpa buried or cremated...

...so in the end we just let him live.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Talk to the Ashes

\[NSFW\]

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the coffee table. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes.

She said, "You know that fur coat y...

You can't just take anyone's cremated remains.

You have to urn them.

Grandma fought hard to be cremated.

She urned it.

Happened IRL We were at the cemetery. Talking about a dead person who got cremated. My dad said: I don't want to hear about you doing this to me!

I answered: You won't...

Two facts about me, 1) When I die I have arranged for my remains to be spread around the Houses of Parliament.

2) I don't want to be cremated.

My wife and I agreed to have each other cremated upon our deaths.

That’s when I knew we were a ‘match’ for one another.

My grandmother died a few weeks ago. We had her cremated.

We think that's what killed her.

Told my wife I wanted to be cremated...

She scheduled it for next Tuesday.

Someone’s lived a good life and wants to be cremated.

Why not fulfill their wishes, they urned it

If Burt Reynolds gets cremated

He will be Burnt Reynolds

I've heard that more people are getting cremated than buried these days.

I guess coffins are a dying business.

Why do people with asthma prefer to be cremated when they die?

Because they hate coffin.

Morgue employee cremated while taking a nap....

I guess two people got fired that day.

Celebrity Chef Anthony Bourdain is to be cremated.

Gas mark 7 for about 40 minutes should do it.

In your will, be sure to write you want to be cremated.

The night before you die, eat as many popcorn kernels as humanly possible.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen.

“I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive penis. It must be saved for posterity.” So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, op...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman's husband dies unexpectedly, and as per his wishes, she has him cremated.

Once she gets home, she sets his urn on their patio table. "Honey, there are so many things I wish I could have told you before you had passed." she says. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I'll do my best to say them all now."



She sits down in a chair, chin propped on her hands. "...

A dying man's final wish is to be cremated. His daughter already having dealt with the pain of burying her mother, asks "where would you like to be placed?" He responds, "my favorite place of all time...

between your mother's legs."

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread on a beach.

Because even when I'm dead, I still want to get into lady's pants.

A man and his wife take a trip to Jerusalem

Unfortunately, while they're there, the wife has a heart attack and passes away. So the Rabbi, who the man hired to handle the procedures, told the man:
"Sir, i have two options for you.
You can have her cremated here in Jerusalem for $500.
Or, we can ship your wife back to the United Stat...

What did the necropheliac say after his lover was cremated?

Can I still get a piece of ash?

Justice Scalia stated that he wants to be cremated after his death

Millions of women are meeting now to discuss if that's what is best for his body.

I know she wanted to be cremated, and I know she didn't want a formal funeral...

...But was a "Family Barbecue" really the best idea?

Instead of being buried or cremated, I’ve arranged to be liquidized.

I’m not going to any funeral I can't get drunk at.

I want my remains scattered across the world

I also don't want to be cremated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke! It was a huge hit with my friends in germany, so i'm very exited to see what you think. I translated everything from german to english, so feel free to correct any mistake in the comments.

Being very annoyed by his female boss and co-workers, a guy tells his friend he dreams of a job where women are not allowed.



His friend thinks about it then says:

“I think you have two options, either you work as train driver or you work as a pilot, if you decide to work as tra...

I recently took my grandma to a fish spa...

It was easier than burying her or getting her cremated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

OH Henry

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memoria...

Three hold their speech in heaven

They were set to live in the grand inventors' area and each weekend every district held a meeting. This week it was these guys' turn. The first one goes:


"I was the inventor of the frisbee, so when I died they cremated me and turned the ashes into a frisbee!"

Everyone applauded. Th...

An American & his wife are visiting Israel...

The long married couple have been travelling & seeing the sights for a few months.
One day, the man's wife suddenly dies.



At the morgue she is pronounced dead. The mortician says We can bury her here in Israel for $250 or cremate her for $1000.


The husband ponder...

A man on his deathbed is telling his friend his final wishes

Man: I have two final wishes

Friend: what are they?

Man: firstly I'd like my remains scattered over Disney Land

Friend: and?

Man: secondly, I don't want to be cremated.

When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex’s front lawn.

2) Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

As a parent I never want to have to bury my children

So I had them both cremated

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.