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Cremated Jokes

I told my wife I've decided to be cremated.

She made an appointment for tomorrow.

Why does the pope not want to be cremated?

Because he is still alive.

If I die I want to be cremated....

So I can have a smoking hot body!!!

I have two conditions in my will...

1) I want my remains spread around Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the worst thing you can say during sex?

Awww, and to think, in just six hours you'll have been cremated.

I told my wife I wanted to be creamated.

She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Edit : Dangit. I meant cremated... Where were ya on that one autocorrect..? 🤦🏻‍♂️

We couldn't decide on whether we wanted to have grandma buried or cremated.

So in the end, we let her live.

If you die and get cremated, . . .

you can be put into an hourglass and still be included in family game night.

When I die, I insist on being cremated ...

I've urned it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The body of the recently deceased Sausage Tycoon will be cremated next week..

5 minutes on each side, it's what he would have wanted

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

When the Kardashians die, they won't be buried or cremated.

They'll be recycled.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."


The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.

When he gets home, he decides to ...

When I die, I want my remains scattered over Disney World.

Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

A mortician was working late one night...

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry M...

If Burt Reynolds gets cremated

He will be Burnt Reynolds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man suddenly dies and is cremated...

The mortician not knowing what to do with the ashes contacts the man's last 3 lovers. All 3 were also men.

Upon arrival, the mortician take the 3 men into his office and asked, "please tell me what you would do with this man's ashes if I hand them over to you?"

The first man's says, "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

I’ve decided I’ll be cremated.

My appointment is 10am on Thursday.

Grandma fought hard to be cremated.

She urned it.

You can't just take anyone's cremated remains.

You have to urn them.

When I die, I want to be cremated in a restaurant.

That way, y'all can take eggs, cream, and a pie crust and quiche my ash.

When my Great Grandfather died they cremated his body but kept his toupee.

It is considered a family hairloom.

I've heard that more people are getting cremated than buried these days.

I guess coffins are a dying business.

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

Morgue employee cremated while taking a nap....

I guess two people got fired that day.

So Anthony Bourdain was cremated...

Surely as a chef he would have preferred they stopped when he was medium rare.

Someone’s lived a good life and wants to be cremated.

Why not fulfill their wishes, they urned it

Celebrity Chef Anthony Bourdain is to be cremated.

Gas mark 7 for about 40 minutes should do it.

My wife and I agreed to have each other cremated upon our deaths.

That’s when I knew we were a ‘match’ for one another.

In a snowstorm, Hagrid takes the cremated remains of Harry Potter and throws it out.

You're a blizzard Harry!

When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex’s front lawn.

2) Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

In your will, be sure to write you want to be cremated.

The night before you die, eat as many popcorn kernels as humanly possible.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman's husband dies unexpectedly, and as per his wishes, she has him cremated.

Once she gets home, she sets his urn on their patio table. "Honey, there are so many things I wish I could have told you before you had passed." she says. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I'll do my best to say them all now."



She sits down in a chair, chin propped on her hands. "...

What did the necropheliac say after his lover was cremated?

Can I still get a piece of ash?

Justice Scalia stated that he wants to be cremated after his death

Millions of women are meeting now to discuss if that's what is best for his body.

Instead of being buried or cremated, I’ve arranged to be liquidized.

I’m not going to any funeral I can't get drunk at.

A man tells his bartender, "I gave my wife instructions that I wanted to be cremated."

"She got me an appointment for next Tuesday."

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread on a beach.

Because even when I'm dead, I still want to get into lady's pants.

My wife and I were chatting the other day and she said to me, “Honey, I’ve thought a lot about it, and I’ve decided I’d like to be cremated.”

So I said to her, “Alright, go get your coat.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived her...

Grandpa Mike died this weekend.

He led a simple life, loved by family and friends while enjoying a long career as a crop duster. In accordance with his final wishes, his cremated remains will be mixed with water and sprayed over the seashore where he spent his final days. He will be mist.

I know she wanted to be cremated, and I know she didn't want a formal funeral...

...But was a "Family Barbecue" really the best idea?

My uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he kept fighting them off and drowned. We had him cremated...

he burned for three days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

Happened IRL We were at the cemetery. Talking about a dead person who got cremated. My dad said: I don't want to hear about you doing this to me!

I answered: You won't...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was driving with my wife recently and we were talking about what we wanted to happen to our bodies when we died. I want to be cremated and put in a pot of chili. She asked why.

So I can tear that ass up one last time.

A man on his deathbed is telling his friend his final wishes

Man: I have two final wishes

Friend: what are they?

Man: firstly I'd like my remains scattered over Disney Land

Friend: and?

Man: secondly, I don't want to be cremated.

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order.

She wrote her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomind...

A man and his wife take a trip to Jerusalem

Unfortunately, while they're there, the wife has a heart attack and passes away. So the Rabbi, who the man hired to handle the procedures, told the man:
"Sir, i have two options for you.
You can have her cremated here in Jerusalem for $500.
Or, we can ship your wife back to the United Stat...

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